A Peaceful Way

Goodbye Floyd

2011-06-20T11:50:00.000-04:00

I have recently said goodbye to my home in Floyd, moved to an apartment in Roanoke, and will soon be moving to a home near Troutville, VA. Do not mistake 'home' for ''house.' The house was only a shell, a means to reach my TRUE home. The loving people I met in Floyd - the feeling of warm, family-love and goodness - the kindness of strangers - the common-mind mentality and most of all, the soul-shaking humility and everyday honesty.

I resisted, I struggled, I cried for hours, days on end. I came to Roanoke, lost, and without direction, feeling as though I were waiting for my life to begin, holding on to the life I had left. I felt empty and unholy. I felt alone, and nearly crossed the line to regret.

Yesterday, for Father's Day, we went home to visit Kevin's folks. I felt, as we drove, a part of my heart re-opening. The closer we got, the more shackles fell away, and tears came again and again, as I received a cleansing feeling of relaxation and relief, so happy to be home again, and also the twinge of pain and guilt, feeling like I haven't made them proud. After only a few weeks away, my empty cup filled to overflowing as I sat through church and enjoyed the love, spirit, honesty, and openness I didn't know I was starving for.

I felt that old feeling telling me to stop and reach deep down to the source. I felt a window inched open in my soul, and the Holy Ghost Himself calling to me plainly a truth I knew, but forgot: That my happiness is in my own hands, and no one and nothing can take it away from me, but ME. I felt the call to FORGIVE. I knew that the PEACE I long for is only a moment away, when I can release my resentment and anger, and I cried again, knowing that with my Floyd Family in my heart, I can do it.

I am an emissary, a missionary, a soldier called away. I squeeze their memory close to me for warm consoling hugs as I step into the unknown. My distance from them only strengthens my love, it only solidifies my resolve to make them proud. To be the kind of person who could say, "I'm from Floyd," and have my fellow 'Floydians' be glad I said so.

Their faces, their lives and their examples flash before me constantly, and today I rise to make them proud, to live as a monument to them. To be ever-changed, to become more like them--more like my true self, reflected by honest eyes and unassuming natures. My spirit reaches out to them, constantly enlarged by them, and the feeling is indescribable. I swell with gratitude. I weep with joy at God's mercy, and such great, great love for me, to allow me to rest in their bosom, and love them so fully, and then to leave them, so that they will be with me, inside of me forever.

Personal Revelation

2011-06-06T21:06:00.000-04:00

Relief Society: Episode 12 - Personal Revelation

Please, please, moms listen to this broadcast! I was in church Sunday, and a mom got up to speak, and I began to cry as she spoke, because it was as if I were speaking to myself, her words were so familiar.

"I am a mom of several young children, and I have struggled with something I think many moms struggle with. I had a lot of anxiety, depression, and unhappiness, and there was one day I was sitting in front of a mountain of laundry to fold, and I had this thought. 'This is the plan of happiness...So why am I not happy??" She said, "I was raised by good parents, who were members of the church, and taught me all about the plan of happiness. I understood it intellectually, but I was missing something. Some part of the gospel, I was not quite getting." She said that from that time, she began to seek, and over the next few years, she learned, not just intellectually, but experientially, that we can use the Atonement of Jesus Christ in our every day lives, and every need can be filled by Him, and the happiness comes into us."

Since the miscarriage, I've felt a darkness set in, and depression begin to overtake me, and I haven't known how to write anything uplifting, hence the long silence. Many times the Lord has comforted me, and especially at first, He carried me. But I understand that He has to let me learn and grow, and so He has to let me experience pain, and learn to walk with Him. And so in order to walk, I had to be let down. I have felt like I'm sitting on the ground, with no desire to try to get up.

Then I heard that mom speak Sunday, and remembered that I once took that journey, prompted by the same exact question, and wouldn't rest until I found the answer. I cannot express how much I appreciated that journey. How it changed my life, and my family. I realized Sunday that it's crucial for my happiness and my family's to start asking questions, and seeking for answers. It's time to re-establish trust in God, and a two-way communication that I can count on. I'm such a weak and sorry excuse for a disciple. I wonder sometimes how many times He is willing to teach me the same lesson. I have learned that His mercy is never-ending, and with hope in that, I'm not going to sit down and give up. I'm going to get up, force myself to ask for and seek for the meaning and the purpose and drive in life, and mostly to seek for the companionship of the Holy Ghost.

Above is a link to an interview of Sister Julie Beck, the leader of all the women of our church at present. She answers honest questions from women, like "How do I feel the spirit when I'm physically and mentally exhausted?" "What does it feel like to receive revelation from God?" "I have tried and tried to hear from the Lord. It has never worked for me, and I have given up." Sister Beck gives such inspired advice, it solidified my resolve into action, and I have begun my journey anew.

What are your questions? Are you asking any? What are your emotional needs? Are they being met by the Lord, or some other source? What are you focusing on? Where do you spend the majority of your time? Do you long, as I do, for a secure attachment to your God?

Miscarriage at the hospital, WARNING contains details

2011-05-06T22:48:00.004-04:00

Roanoke Memorial Hospital, inspired by a nurse a few years back, does something special for parents who are grieving for a lost baby. They allow you to bond with the baby, treat the baby as important and precious, because it is to you.

After many calls, my uncle Dr. Mike Jones and family friend, Dr. Ross Hanchett, OBGYN, paved the way for me to enter the hospital emergency room expected, and the doctors who would attend me were notified ahead of time of what was going on, so the way was prepared for me to go gently in. My uncle performed an ultrasound, and then left me in the hands of a doctor who was a great listener, and very respectful of patients' rights, Dr. Heileck. I was induced to allowed to labor naturally. I was allowed to be unhooked from the IV, because I was claustrophobic and it really bothered me. I was treated with kindness, not pity, with respect, not impatience.

Here are the details, for those who want them:

I labored for 10 hours, with my loving mom for support, feeling as though I were going through a form of pains of childbirth. I was told I could have an epidural, but if you know me, you know I would be very unlikely to take that option. The pain was hard enough. It wasn't as hard as having a full term baby, but it was no "cake walk." We rocked, we sang, we cried, we prayed, we slept, we mourned, we talked and talked and talked. Mom rubbed my back for what must have seemed like hours. I went through a kind of transition, and just lay there, too exhausted to move or protest as I was stuck with needles, and bruised because of my weak veins. The nurses were wonderful, my veins we just tiny and weak. After 6 attempts and three nurses, a vein catheter was finally secured in one of my hands. I tried to sleep between cramping pains.

After six hours, I was told I could try to push, because they could not see the cervix as the bag of waters was descending. I pushed on my hands and knees, and was able to push most of the bag of waters out, but I was unable to finish pushing the part with the baby out, though I tried my hardest. The doc and nurses encouraged me in squatting with my mom holding me up on one side and a nurse on the other. I asked for a mirror, and it did help me focus my efforts. I pushed till I was blue in the face. But once the bag was out enough, the doc was able to move it out of the way and check my cervix. It turned out my cervix had only dilated ONE cm. I was completely disheartened, and felt suddenly so sorry for all those mothers out there who are routinely induced, and don't know that true labor pains are SO much easier to bear than drug induced pains. I felt like I should be at a 6 or 7 at least, when comparing to the pains of my natural labors.

Only 2 hours later, I lay exhausted and feeling pains ranging from 9-10, but tried focusing on the empty space above me that was not hurting. As I lay back, unable to fight anymore, I completely surrendered to all of it. The miscarriage, the pain, the fact that this baby was not going to live... all of it. The baby finished descending without my knowledge, born inside the bag of waters which remained intact, my total dilation unknown. I continued to have pain, however, because the placenta was still holding on.

Dr. Heileck was wonderful, patient, and not at all pushy. He began the work of getting the placenta, which was full of white calcium deposits, gnarled and in pieces, out as quickly as possible, because I would not stop bleeding. Finally, in agony, I pleaded for him to stop, and asked for pain meds, which had been available all along, but I had wanted to tough it out as long as I could, and he respected that. But extracting the placenta piece by piece felt like digging into a deep cut with a knife. He said it may be necessary to sedate me and take me to surgery, but when the pain meds kicked in, he said, "let's just try this for a little while, and see how it goes." The meds killed the worst of the pain, and I squeezed my mom's hand and a nurse's hand, (who was telling me everything going on every step of the way,) and breathed deeply to manage the rest. Finally, the ordeal was finished. I was able to lie back, and rest-- saved from the operating room, and thankful. I thanked the doctor over and over as I closed my eyes and enjoyed being free of pain. the Doctor seemed amused that I was thanking him after he'd been digging inside me with pinchers. I felt emotional completeness, having completed labor, but I did miss my husband who was unable to take off work, due to a death of an employee's father.

The doc and nurses carefully examined the baby, wrapped his 4.5 inch body in a receiving blanket, handed him to me, and promised he would not be out of my sight unless I gave permission. I say "he," because between the tiny legs was the first thing I looked at, and was overjoyed that I could see it! It was a boy, and they encouraged me to name him. I named him" Luke," the name Kevin and I had agreed on long before, if it were a boy, and they made a "Certificate of Memory" for me.

They left me alone for over an hour to bond, and I drunk him in. I tried to memorize every teeny tiny finger, every teeny tiny toe, his little perfect ears that were still pinned back to his head, his almond shaped blue eyes, that had not yet finished forming, his little mouth that was also unfinished, opened, and sported teensie little lips. His round little tummy, and the tiny, gnarled cord, the tiny collar bones and ribs, so perfectly formed, the legs so adorably tucked up in the fetal position, the primitive muscles so easily outlined. His hands pressed together, with his head resting on them, like he was just a little baby going to sleep.

I fell in love with this little miracle of life, yet as I looked on, I could see him slipping away. Each minute he was exposed to air, his body darkened, and lost fluids. He began to decompose almost immediately, because his skin was not thick enough to prevent it. Mom and I tried to hold on to each passing moment with him, as he quickly slipped away from us. The nurse came and asked if we'd like her to take pictures, and I eventually agreed, though I knew the pictures would not capture his true form at the first moments I met him. They brought me a couple of tiny gowns and asked which I would like to have for him, and I got to choose a crocheted blanket, as a keepsake. They asked me what I wanted to do with the body, and I said I wanted to take him home. They gave me a tiny casket, and they gave me literature both religious and non, to help aid the grieving process. The nurses and aids all called him "Luke" and said he was beautiful, even when his form had changed, and he was not anymore. Our last nurse gave us a sympathy card, just from her, and they gathered a beautiful white cloth envelope of keepsakes for us, and encouraged us to honor this baby's memory. Kevin arrived before checkout time, and was only able to see the bare remains of what used to be our baby, but it meant so much to me to have him with me, even for just a little while.

That night I slept soundly, and cradled all my kids in the bed with me. The next day, I got up, showered, and set about the plans of what to do with the baby's body. Through tears and disagreements, saying things we didn't mean, then having to compromise and reconcile, we finally decided on a plan.

My parents-in-law and we took the tiny casket, a blanket, and some literature and keepsakes, and met my mother at the family cemetery. My husband and his father dug a little hole directly over my brother Seth's grave, just big enough for the tiny casket. We sat on a blanket provided by my mother-in-law, and put the casket in the middle, decorated by tiny flowers the children had picked, and the crocheted blanket and some pretty things the hospital had given us provided a lovely centerpiece. We prayed and sang a song, and thanks to smart phones, we even had the music to go with it. We sang, "I Know That My Savior Loves Me." Or at least we listened, and the children sang, and we teared up between the words. We read the following poem provided by the hospital: (Passed around because we could hardly read it without breaking down.)

IN THE GARDEN

In the most beautiful of gardens

Most carefully tended,

There is an occasional rosebud that never opens.

In all respects that rose is like all the others,

But some unseen cause keeps it from blooming.

It wilts and fades away without coming to its radiant unfolding.

What happens in nature's garden occasionally also happens in God's family.

A baby is born,

Beautiful and precious,

But with some unseen, mysterious band sealing

That life so it never comes to its rightful unfolding.

This child, too,

Gradually fades and is gathered back into the God's heavenly garden of souls--

Where all imperfections are made perfect,

Where all injustices are made right,

Where all mysteries will finally be explained,

And where all sorrow will finally be turned to joy.

Haylee Christine Shepherd

May 9, 1997

The feeling was one of comfort and warmth, not hurt or grief. We all smiled and felt love for one another, and felt the loss, but also the sweetest peace. Then all of the children took the casket, and together walked it to the grave. Kaylee and Peter laid it in the ground, and they all threw flowers on it, then each child got to shovel a mound of dirt into the hole, then Kevin and Grandpa finished the rest. One little perk, was that the baby's casket rested directly on my brother's vault.

I felt good about it, and did not wail or cry, only shed a few quiet tears every now and then.

Next we went to the location we're building our house, and planted two apple trees, one to pollinate the other, and will eventually be dedicated to our little Luke, a tiny rosebud in God's garden of souls. The children got to play with their cousin, and I got to talk to my sister in law, and try to find some kind of normal.

I felt a much needed closure, and ready to begin a healthy grieving process, and that is what is now going on. Little by little, I can start to feel the full impact of my loss. I waffle between apathy and unimaginable hurt. Of course Kevin is going through his own grief. He reminded me yesterday that this baby was a part of him too. I saw him tear up many times, I saw him push through emotions, and I know he is grieving, only quietly, the way a man often does.

It is not the same as if I had lost a living child, the pain is not constant and shocking, but it is acute, and sometimes shoots through me with such effort that I break down secretly every night, and every morning. I have not had the courage to go to the basement where all the baby stuff is still sitting.

Literature I got from the hospital reads, "Don't take my grief away from me." In order to let others know that grieving is healthy and necessary, and not to always try to comfort or avoid emotional subjects that could make the grieving person upset. There are times I want to FEEL something! Anything! I want so much to get these feelings OUT! So many people don't want to listen, because they don't want to see me cry, or cause me pain, or don't want to risk something coming up that they won't know how to handle. I know, because I've been that person. But being on this end makes me feel differently. Now I understand that it's okay to face the issue head on. It's actually a relief.

Today I got to talk to another mom who's been through this. It was reassuring that she could get through it and be okay. Still, we both teared up as she remembered her experience, and I was honest about mine. It felt good to tell someone what I'm really going through. I am finding so much love all around me, I'm so blessed, I hope I can BE that love for others in return.

Miscarriage

2011-05-03T04:29:00.000-04:00

Today, at 19 weeks gestation, my unborn child was found to be without a heartbeat. I am praying for understanding, praying for answers, praying to know God's plan for my family. I keep thinking of the large pack of newborn diapers we had been given, and the newborn clothes. All the boxes and bags of supplies we'd saved for this little one...I suppose I will pass them on.

I feel such a variety of feelings, numbness, pain, regret, guilt, and I know more is yet to come. I will fret about whether or not I will ever have another child. I will mourn, and I will question why... I will pray, and I will hold my other children tighter, appreciating even more, that the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Today I opened a book that came in the mail, and chapter one read, "Remember who your children are." ...And who they really belong to.

The children didn't cry, but they were sad in their own way. I could see more hurt on Peter's face than I expected, sometimes he'd crawl up and rock himself in the rocking chair, looking so quietly sad. Other times he smiled and reminded me of funny things just to see me laugh, his face glowing so brightly. He told me, "I have good news Mommy! You don't have to worry, we'll have a new baby, but It's going to take a long time." Then he drew a couple pictures of me with a baby in my tummy, with a smile on my face. One of the pictures showed a smiling unborn baby, and one showed just a ball. He gave them to me, hoping I would take heart, and have hope.

Kaylee wanted to be held a lot, and wanted to be happy and reassured that everything, especially me, would be okay. But sometimes she hid her face in my arms, and when I told her it was okay to be sad, she wanted to know why everyone wasn't crying. I felt the strength of prayers. I told her I did cry, and will cry some more, but I feel Jesus giving me comfort, and I feel God's love so strongly, it's like I'm in His arms. He is blessing me right now.

Kendon knows nothing, and wouldn't understand if he were told. But I am comforted each time I nurse him, and I don't think that's terrible to admit.

Right now the dormant baby is in my belly, waiting to be removed. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat, just waiting for what will inevitably come. I want to meet my baby with all my heart, to hold him or her in my hands. I want to have some closure. I want to know all the details of what the baby went through. I want to know if it was a boy or a girl. I want to know what God was thinking by, giving us such an unexpected and joyous gift, then taking it away before we could enjoy it. I know, I know, we can't understand the mind of God. We don't know His plan. But somehow, I still want to. Some of these questions and desires may be answered and fulfilled, some may not. I am going to have to be okay with that.

Kevin is taking it like a man, feeling the way men do. He is doing this his own way, worrying for me, and not allowing any sympathy for himself. Yet he too has lost his baby. And of that I am keenly aware.

It may seem brash and uncooth to speak of miscarriage in such detail. In our society it is not discussed much--it is awkward for our friends and family to deal with. So many women go through it, and yet we still don't know how to handle it. We want to make sense of it, and we want to help one another feel better about it, but in the end, we just have to get through it and let time do its work of healing the pain.

I don't feel so different, I don't feel anything much, but the reality still hasn't hit me. I know it will soon, and I'm bracing myself.

Moved

2011-04-14T05:11:00.000-04:00

We have moved to a new address, and do not have internet for another week. I'm having withdrawals. I hope to be able to post soon, but for now, just know that you have a friend who wants you to be successful in finding your own, Peaceful Way.

Something Parents All Over the World Are Struggling to Learn Right Now: Including Me

2011-03-31T15:23:00.000-04:00

Attachment Parenting: Developing and utilizing a close parent-to-child bond in order to discipline and teach our children.

One of my favorite phrases on the Attachment parenting website is, "It's not called PERMISSIVE parenting!"
So many think that in order to "be nice" to our kids, we have to be permissive. Many see parents who are patient and non-confrontational with their children, and assume that those parents are permissive. It is difficult for our society to understand that there is a sweet-spot between Authoritative and Intimidating, and Permissive and Uninvolved. That middle ground is Attachment Parenting/Positive Discipline.

Attachment Parenting isn't a new skill to learn or a new philosophy of parenting. It's the true spirit of humanity. It is the embodiment of the second greatest commandment given by Jesus Christ. It's loving others as we love ourselves. In other words, it is loving others while we love ourselves.

One of the hardest tests of being a parent, is seeing our true selves reflected back through our children.

Do you see yourself in your children?
Do you consciously or unconsciously despise what you see?
Does the thought of them becoming like you, scare you?
Does this thought make you want to hide or lash out at [yourself in the body of] your child?

If you searched your heart and found the answer to any of the above is yes, you are not alone.

Attachment Parenting is seeing ourselves in our children, and having unconditional love, compassion, empathy and understanding for that self we see.

Isn't that how God sees us? Doesn't He tell us that He is in each of us, and He loves us as Himself? Recently I read an article on theattachedfamily.com about how one mother taught her son to do a chore. He was a teenager, perfectly capable of doing the actual chore, but she understood that he was not necessarily capable of developing the habit and remembering to do it on his own. So she met him with a smile, and they did the chore (bringing the trash cans in) together. They did this for several weeks, and then, he started doing it on his own. "Just as it took Kelly several weeks of teaching her son to bring in the garbage cans, it will most likely take kids several teaching sessions before they get the hang of a job and are able to think it through on their own. Kelly says she even expects her son to forget again, as his priorities are simply different than hers. But she is ready and willing to step in and do it together with him again...teach many, many times!" I thought about that, and cringed at how I have gotten exasperated when I had to teach my child something more than once, and I asked myself a tough question: which way is God's way?

I can picture Him knowingly and patiently taking our arm in his, and walking us through His way again and again. Then we take over and start to do it on our own, but He knows "My ways are not your ways, neither are my thoughts your thoughts." So He expects us to forget again, doesn't He? He knows we will need Him to walk us through it again, because we are immature. We are children, and that is our nature. His promise is that He will be there every time we forget, smiling and ready to teach us again. His patience is infinite. His love--unconditional. What can we learn about parenting from Him?

When you look through the eyes of your child, what do you see?

What will be the story of his childhood? What will she remember most? Are you creating a childhood she'll speak openly of 20 years from now, with an honest, genuine smile?

One of the best and most straight-forward helps I've found is at AttachmentParenting.org. Specifically, the section on Effective Discipline. I have recently forgotten, and relearned much of this, and am grateful for a patient Heavenly Father who is ready and willing to take my hand...again.

"But I Already Raised My Children! It's Too Late to Change the Past."

Even if your children have left the nest, even if they are having babies of their own, it's never too late. We all need this attachment at any age, and we all need to reconcile our pasts. An amazing change can come over you and your relationships when you have reattached to your parents, no matter how old, to your children and grandchildren, no matter the age. Even if your parents have deceased, you can attach or re-attach to a reconciliation of their memory. You can say within yourself, "this is what my parents knew, this is what they did not know that I now know." As the first Nephi in the Book of Mormon, you can say, (paraphrased) 'I am thankful for their examples, good and bad, and thank The Lord that I can see the difference.' You can find compassion in your heart for them, and for yourself. You can learn to parent yourself, through positive self-discipline. Again, it is NEVER ever, too late.

"I Don't Have Any Children of My Own"

If you have no children of your own, you can connect with a niece or nephew, a close friend's child, a student...many many kids long and need for a kind, empathetic adult to reach out to them. You can change someone's life by simply creating a few wonderful, loving memories. For more information on ways to do this without anxiety, (which destroys all our best attempts) there are several resources I recommend:

http://theattachedfamily.com
http://www.naomialdort.com
http://attachmentparenting.org/blog/
http://attachmentparenting.org
http://celebratecalm.com
Book: Attached at the Heart: 8 Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker [I have not read this book yet, but it is recommended by the attachment parenting website, and I look forward to checking it out from my local library as soon as I am finished moving.]

I am so happy to report that my relationship to my children is better than it was several weeks ago, and the more I study this way of being, the easier it becomes to lead and guide them. They are better behaved, they are happier, and they are healthier. Everything from their grooming and eating habits to their public conduct has improved. Not to perfection, but progress, definitely.

My challenge for you all is to find a child to connect (or reconnect) with in a healthy way, whether it is your own child or someone else's, and then write me and tell me about it at: ginnyleeferguson @yahoo.com, or simply leave a comment. I want to hear from you!! You may find your story posted, unless you specify not to. (I will be deleting my email address after a few weeks to avoid spammers, so if you want to take down my email, now is the time.)

Correction

2011-03-25T11:09:00.000-04:00

In my last post I said something I need to clarify. When talking about my daughter, I said, "She is not responsible for her actions..." Taken out of context, I do not believe that. Even a 2-yr-old is responsible for choosing their own actions and re-actions. But a young child is not ACCOUNTABLE for his actions. Accountable is defined as: Required or expected to justify actions or decisions. Before age 8 is a learning and absorbing time of life. A young child cannot repent, therefore, it would be a great injustice to believe that they can sin. However, the lessons they learn early in life can stay with them forever, so teaching them is a great responsibility.

What I meant by saying [she is not responsible] was, she doesn't have to carry the burden of change and growth. She was not the more responsible party. The responsibility to be a good example and teacher lies solely with ME. To put the pressure on her to be an example of love and goodness while being treated with frustration and irritation, is erroneous, and unfair. By saying that, I really actually mean that I am responsible TO her and TO God for MY actions and re-actions, and that she IS responsible ONLY to herself at this point. I am not responsible for HER actions, I am responsible for MINE. I am responsible for the family environment, because I have the power to create it by controlling, or not controlling MYSELF.

She, according to her age, will generally act the way she perceives she is treated in general. Either by me, or someone else. She is learning little by little to have control over her feelings and choices, but she is still too young to master these skills. This is a time when it is crucial that I am a rock of stability in her life, not what I have been, a wavering example of inconsistency.

Let me demonstrate by an example: Just a few minutes ago, my kids were playing a game of piling up pillows and jumping on them. Peter was jumping on them over and over, without order, and Kaylee wanted them to take turns. She, in trying to control his actions, became very upset that she could not control him, and eventually, started shouting, and then pushed him. He remained calm, because he has spent a long time practicing this skill. But he looked to me to intervene. She whined about him not taking turns. I remained calm, and said, as any parent would, "Apologize. You pushed him. You cannot force him to take turns. But DO you have control over your body. What did you do with that choice?" That was kind of a controlling reply, but at least I stayed calm, right? (Evidently my daughter gets her control issues honestly.) Naturally, she was upset and defensive, and began to cry, and said, "I will never, NEVER apologize!" She lashed out at her littlest brother, and I told her it was inappropriate, and Peter did as well. She was defensive again, as anyone would be. But then I calmed my inner anxiety and said to her, "When you're ready to talk without shouting, I am happy to listen." That was all. She buried her head in her pillow, and when her brothers remained calm and ran to play in another room, she lifted her head with a smile. "Mom, I have something to say to my brothers. I think you know what it is." And then she ran to play with them, happily and apologetically.

When I was controlling, she was controlling. When I controlled only myself, she reacted by seeking that self-control as well. Our kids must have self discipline and self-control in order to be happy and successful in life. Yet how many of us are modeling these attributes? How many of us never learned these things as children because our parents thought they had to bear the entire responsibility for controlling US (instead of themselves)-through fear and intimidation, never allowing us to trust them with our mistakes and challenges, never learning the power of self-control? Do we want that for our kids?--Our Grandkids? Here's some questions for all of us, including myself, to ponder.

Am I ready to be my child's Hero?
Am I ready to be the rock of stability in his/her life? Unmoving--uncompromising--in control?
Am I ready to BE the model of Christ's love and forgiveness, patience and persistence?
Am I ready to take back control of my emotions from the hands of my child, and BE the Grown-up?
Am I ready to break the patterns of the past, and perhaps the patterns of my friends and associates?
Am I ready to be accountable for my own choices, regardless of the choices of others?

In my family, I have an example of this. It is my father. He broke the patterns of his past and found a new way to relate to his kids. But he also had an example to turn to when he was ready. That example was the memory of his grandfather. Sometimes extended family members wield more power over a child's rearing than they realize. This grandfather was instrumental in my father's upbringing, and though his grandfather didn't raise him, he gave him an example that he could look back on and mimic when he needed to. Now I have my own memories to look back on--I use a variety of sources. I'm thankful for each one of them.

See, we are adults. We can choose our Heroes. We can choose what memories we dwell on. We can choose whose example to mimic. We can choose to wallow, or choose to learn. We always have a choice.

I guess the thing I want to stress most right now is this: Self-mastery and positive discipline does not happen accidentally or automatically. It does not happen while we're avoiding conflict or pushing problems under the rug. It does not happen while we're ranting, lecturing, raging, fretting and worrying. It is a muscle. It is developed by constant effort and hard, hard work. It quickly atrophies when we do not use it. It is developed most easily and quickly through faith and following principles of Christianity, though many non-Christians have mastered it as well. [I believe that Christ is the source of all goodness and truth, so even those who do not believe in Him, who ascribe to His teachings, still receive the blessings that many who profess to believe, yet do not live His teachings, are held back from.] I look at the faces of those who live with integrity, and faith in Christ, and they glow with radiance. I want that. I need that. I want that for my children. It's time to get there! We're getting closer, we really are! I can feel it! Each time we read the scriptures and think and talk together about our faith, each time we forgive and show love, each time we hold back from re-acting, and instead pro-act, we get a little closer.

2011-03-24T08:02:00.000-04:00

The most Christ-like person I know is my 5 year old son. I know that may sound very much like a mother, but it happens to be a genuine observation. I see him in action more than anyone else in the world, and I see his heart as well as hear his words, and experience his treatment daily.

To give just one example, I will recount what happened last night. Kaylee had a rough day. She had many emotional struggles, and her facade of not caring was crumbling slowly, and that evening, close to bed time, she bit her cheek. That was the last straw for her, and she began to cry, real tears, and needed her mother's arms. She doesn't get to cuddle with mom much, because that spot seems always filled with the littlest one. Kendon was nursing at that moment. I was torn. I asked Kendon to let go, and we would nurse later, but he was determined not to be unseated by his sister, who tried to climb on my lap, and was pushed off. I don't believe in pushing a young child away, so I didn't want to push Kendon away from me, but I unlatched him, and told him firmly and kindly, "I'm sorry, but you will have to nurse later. I have three kids, and right now, Kaylee needs a mommy too." Well, that worked like you'd imagine it would on a 2-yr-old. (Not at all.) And so I sat there, with two crying kids, each wanting to get on my lap, and each pushing the other away, and me, caught in the impossible position in the middle.

That's what my peacemaker intervened. Peter comes over, calmly and cheerfully and says, "Don't worry Mom. I'll take care of Kendon." He is not put off by Kendon ignoring him, continuing to fuss, and trying to get back on my lap. He just sweetly puts his arm around his brother's shoulders and says to him with a warm smile, "It's okay Kendon, It's okay little bro, I'll take care of you. What do you want to play together?" Kendon stops, looks at his big brother he has learned to trust, and puts his little head on his brother's chest. Peter slowly walks away with him. Kendon says quietly, "I want to play dinosaur." Peter says, "Do you want to be Tyrannosaurus Rex? The king dinosaur? You go like this..." And off they went, saying "Raaaarrr," and playing happily together. Meanwhile, my daughter climbed on my lap, and received some much needed comfort.

Kaylee and I were able to enjoy about 10 minutes of agenda-free time, reading scriptures together, and just enjoying the feel of one another's touch. I realized that I don't hold her anymore, and I have missed her. It felt good to hold my big girl, even though she is almost 7, and it felt good to listen to her, and enjoy her, instead of correcting her. All that was made possible, because my middle child had prepared himself to be okay, so he could reach out to others. It was not an accident, he works at it every day. He is striving harder than anyone I know, to be exactly like his idol, Jesus Christ. One way, is by strengthening himself, so he can be a strength to others.

I am humbled deeply today, and I have been on my knees all morning, asking my Father to help me to be more like my own son, who is more like His son, than I am. Can I, by turning to the Lord, become emotionally secure enough to be a strength to others, and not constantly be needing strength from others?

Family News:

I don't like to be constantly giving updates on all the family news, because this blog is not supposed to be all about me. But there are some things that will be affecting my posts in the future, and need to be said.

First: I am currently pregnant with our fourth child. Due in late September.

Second: We have recently sold our house and are moving, we have no idea where yet, except for a little while we'll be moving to my husband's parents' home during the transition time. I have three weeks to pack our house and house-hunt, so I will not have much time to post for the next little while.

To Be Honest:

I have recently started listening again to Kirk Martin's, Celebrate Calm. That is because since I've been pregnant, I've been less calm, and less in control of my feelings. I find myself crying more, shouting more, and overall, giving up more on being the kind of mom I want to be. Then a few weeks ago, I lost it with my daughter. She is going through a transition age right now, and all sorts of problems with relationships and schooling are bubbling to the surface, issues I have feared, and all of us are on edge and faced with new issues we haven't dealt with before. I guess I started reverting back to what I know best, fear and intimidation, distracted, anxiety-ridden parenting, and that just made everything so much worse. Then one day, I snapped. I said things I'm so ashamed of, I can't believe left my lips. I hurt her so deeply, and I saw it happening, and didn't care. I didn't care until about 5 minutes later when I had a minute to process, and I thought I would throw up. I was so heartbroken at what I'd just done, I didn't even know how to apologize. I didn't say anything, I just cried, and cried, and cried. I felt intense, enormous grief and pain, I can't even describe. That was anguish! Truly, deep, heart-wrenching sorrow. How could I make it better? How could I come back from that low, low place? How could she heal from that? How could I?

We went to my mother's house who unwittingly said some things that helped both of us. My daughter looked at me, and I looked at her, and the words were unspoken, but she smiled and nodded, and I smiled back and nodded. We both resolved to try harder to be peacemakers. Later, she asked me why I hadn't apologized, and I said that I was so ashamed, I didn't know how to say it. But then I apologized, and I asked her if we could start over. I told her how precious she was to me, and how lucky I was to be given such a special girl to be my daughter. It was a new beginning, not a new arrival, meaning it was still a painful time, still we needed help.

The next few weeks I spent more time on my knees, crying, seeking, and asking for Christ's help, healing, and instruction. Wisely, He let me struggle awhile, and let me feel the full brunt of my shame, and see clearly the pain I have the power to cause before offering me solace. Eventually, when the time was right, that comfort came. It wasn't all at once, it was a little bit each day. As I showed willingness to change and grow myself, He offered a boost up each time. It is only through consistent effort and obedience that peace can be availed to us. If I were to repeat the offenses, I would negate the blessings. I would be unable to receive any comfort, only added anguish. So through obedience to God, I opened myself to receiving the blessings of my Father, and the love and healing of Christ.

Now I feel that healing love, and walk in it daily. I give thanks and do not take it for granted. Now that I am on firmer ground, it's time for me to reach out to my little girl, and show her once again where true growth, peace and healing can be found. In the arms of her loving Savior. She has the right and privilege to enjoy those blessings right now.

Our relationship is beginning to heal, and I can feel her longing for love and healing. I can see her reaching for any help, any hope she can find. She did nothing wrong--nothing she has to answer for, but she did get hurt. She is not responsible for her actions, she is still too young to be expected to be able to control herself completely. Before age 8, kids are still expected to be the result of their environment. While they begin to learn the principles of choice and accountability, it's not right to demand it of them until they are completely mentally and emotionally ready to be independent of their surroundings. (Which is yet another reason it's incredible to witness emotional and spiritual integrity in my 5-yr-old.) Before age 8, the responsibility for repentance (i.e. struggling to change and grow, praying for forgiveness and help to improve,) lies solely with the adult. This is a doctrine of my church, but also a universal truth I believe. Universal truths can be forgotten, or put on the back burner of our minds. It's time I remember this one, and realize that the fault is mine when there is a conflict with her. I have seen my own power to affect our relationship for the good in the past. Her actions do not hold merit against mine. That is the bad news, and that is the good news. As long as we have faith, there is still hope for us.

AMAZING! One Man Plays Two Grand Pianos At Once - La Campanella - Josh W...

2011-03-16T17:21:00.000-04:00

Readers, I have many things to tell you. Much of it I'm still trying to get my thoughts together. But this much I will tell you. My daughter and I were having one of THOSE weeks, and riding in the car seemed to be a trigger for all sorts of bickering every time. One day I turned on some mellow music, and she calmed down immediately and said, "Mommy, whenever you play this kind of music, it makes me want to be nice and not fight. I want to love my brothers instead of be mean to them." I'm not saying it's some kind of magic trick to play music, but it's a tool to keep in your bag. Then the other day my kids were in need of some mental stimulation, (wild, bouncing off the walls.) I put on some classical music, and they started playing as if they were in a performing orchestra, and had a great time "playing" the violin, flute, piano, clarinet, etc. and even conducting. They played this game no less than 3 hours. No joke. I had to drag them away from it to go to bed, and even then my daughter insisted she be allowed to listen to classical violin as she went to sleep. Those of us with intense kids who require intense stimulation find quickly that sometimes music can unlock a hidden door to their brains.

I hope you know readers, that I would not waste your precious time with fluff. Above is a video of a remarkable pianist who will no doubt be making headlines when his album comes out on April 5th. Stay tuned for a possible give-away! I've previewed much of his music, and I am very impressed with Josh's talent, feeling, and artistry. Enjoy this video, and go to the website by clicking on the title if you'd like to see more!

Why do I co-sleep?--Following Motherly Instincts, Ignoring Voices of Judgement

2011-03-11T16:37:00.001-05:00

Simply put, it just feels right. A mother's intuition truly can save her baby's life. Click here for an incredible story of a mom who follows her instincts, does everything the doctors told her she MUST NOT to do, and saved her baby's life!

When my daughter was first born, she was so tiny I couldn't imagine having her in the bed with me. I was scared we would crush her! So she slept in a bassinet by the bed. I would wake up suddenly and jump to check on her, and rub her till she took a deep breath. I was sleep-deprived in a big way. My ear was constantly in tune to her breathing. Friends and family, even doctors told me to just move her out of the room so I couldn't hear her, and I'd finally get some sleep. I tried it briefly, but it was worse.

I would jump out of a deep sleep and run to her room, and rub her, I'd sit on the floor and listen to her breathing for hours. I am very aware that people saw me as a nervous mother. And I was. I had this nagging feeling that her breathing wasn't right. It was too fast, too fitful. I brought her back in the room, and started letting her sleep next to me after breastfeeding. After that, both of us started sleeping peacefully, finally. My husband would sometimes let her sleep skin to skin on his chest. I noticed that when they did this, her breathing and his were perfectly in-sync. He would take a deep breath, she would take a deep breath. Her breathing was rhythmic and peaceful, as long as she was close to us. I was sure that my daughter slept better on her stomach than her back, and had been laying her in the bassinet that way after she had cried so much on her back. But when she slept in the bed with me, she almost always pushed up to her side. Sometimes she faced her daddy, sometimes she faced me, but always she slept more soundly and breathed evenly.

My night-fears subsided. This was the answer for us. I would wake along with her, and easily slip back into sleep after her needs were met. I wore her in a sling during the day, didn't let her cry, and carefully nurtured her every need. She thrived, gained weight, and was a happy, strikingly beautiful little spirit.

From the time she was 3 months old, whenever we had a problem, concern, any struggle we went through, everyone I went to for advice told me the same thing. "Get her out of your bed room." I thumbed my nose at them and said, I don't believe that's the answer. They said, "you and your husband will not be able to connect." We connected more, in our mutual bond with her. They said, "you won't get any sleep." We got more sleep. They said, "She will think she's not okay if she can't see you." "Your relationship will not be sound." "She will be unable to self-soothe." "She will not mature emotionally." "You are holding her back out of YOUR need to be close to her." "She will be insecure." "She will be spoiled." Oh yes, I heard it all. Still, I did not budge. I am glad I didn't. If you want to know more about co-sleeping, and the scientific research surrounding it, click here.

10 months

I am proud of my courageous behavior until she was 15 months old and started having trouble sleeping. Maybe it was a growth-spurt, maybe she was just going through a developmental phase, maybe she wasn't getting enough activity during the day, maybe it was that she wasn't full enough. She would squirm, play, get up and down, kick us in the face, jabber until 2am, etc. I answered the new sleep deprivation by assuming that everyone was right. I thought co-sleeping wasn't working anymore. The Ferberizers must have been right. It didn't even occur to me that there could be a physiological reason for her sleep issues. We moved her out of the bed to a crib in our room, and then when we couldn't handle the constant crying all night, we moved her out of the room. She was old enough for us not to worry about SIDS, so we knew she would be "fine."

She was not fine, and neither were we. I was shutting down my motherly instincts and closing myself off to inspiration. Had I been willing to cultivate and follow my personal inspiration and intuition, ignoring the voices around me, we might have figured out what was causing her sleep-problems, and we would have saved ourselves and her a great deal of pain.

I still feel the sting of those early days. I see their negative effects on my daughter. I see insecurity, social anxiety, and other issues stemming from her babyhood that she struggles with. These are issues that I saw developing and turned a blind eye, not willing to admit I had made a very huge mistake. I put away the slings and I quit breastfeeding her during this time, against my mother's advice. My reasoning was she's already crying, she might as well get it all over with at once. I thought that like a band-aid, I should just rip it off all at once. I was 7 months pregnant, so for the most part I was applauded for keeping it up as long as I had. But she felt completely rejected and cried for days and days, hours upon hours, begging me to take her back. Oh yeah, and I started potty-training her around that time as well, because of social pressure. I just threw it all at her at once. I sent her the message--it's time to grow up. NOW. I don't care if you're still a baby. I think I might have even said that to her!

16 months

The secure bond that I had worked so long and hard to form with her was severed, causing her emotional scarring beyond my comprehension. For her psyche, it was as if her mother had suddenly died, and been replaced by an uncaring, unloving caregiver. To make matters worse, I began punishing her for 'misbehavior.' When she responded negatively. Time-out, spanking, scolding, all things so foreign to her angelic experience, I still held her and cuddled her sometimes, sure. I thought I was a really good mother, because I was "tough" on her she was obstinate, and super-duper sweet when she was compliant. But I was nervous about her clinging to me when the new baby was born, so she was pushed to give up all things that gave her comfort and security, even her own diaper. She had no soft place to land, no one to lean on, no one to cling to, and she gradually began to give up. She was never the same afterward. She never will be. I just hope that out there a mother is reading this and thinking, 'I would never do that to my child.' That is my deepest desire. I didn't know which part of what I did was wrong. I knew something was wrong, and it took me until less than a year ago, 5 years later, to finally see what had actually happened--what I had actually done, with clear vision.

My life now is dedicated to becoming the kind of mother who would never dream of acting without inspiration, and never against my nurturing instincts. I am devoted to helping my daughter heal as much as she can, and overcome the difficulties she continues to have. My life's goal is to teach her (and my other children) where her greatest comfort and solace lies, and teach her how to access it. My mission is to be a bridge between here and there for her.

I can't say if all her problems stemmed from when she was a baby, maybe she was born with an obstinate personality, I don't know. I will never know. But a part of me did see what was happening to her, how tortured she was, how she hurt inside, yet I kept on looking for the rewards everyone promised.

I waited for the 'security' and it never came. I waited for the 'independence' and it never came. I waited for the 'compliance' and it never came, I waited for the 'trust' and it never came. It didn't come for a very, very long time, and it wasn't because of anything that Dr. Ferber, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Parenting Magazines, Mommy Message boards, family members or anyone else suggested. It is still a work in progress, and it comes only by and through principles of Christianity. Principles that I am just now beginning to understand apply to all parts of life and family rearing.

Moms, why are we giving other moms advice? Why do we judge each other? Why do we push young moms to do things OUR way? Are we arrogant enough to think that we have all the answers to someone else's problems? Do we really think our advice should trump personal inspiration? Do we think that Dr. Spock knows more about our children than their creator? Do we honestly think that our natural instincts to nurture and protect our children should be squashed into non-existence? On this page I have several links to sites that explain the ideas I am speaking about. Even the self-help books I recommend, I do not suggest you read or study them if you are not inspired to do so. If God wants to speak to you out of them, He'll let you know. But make sure you know where your inspiration comes from.

My sister and I have an agreement. She does things differently than I do, I do things differently than she does. But we both encourage and support each other. We champion each other's efforts to receive inspiration on behalf of our children, and although we may not agree all the time, we respect the effort each of us goes through to find the answers we are seeking. This is the most important work we will ever do with our lives. Our children are counting on us to shape their characters and establish an environment they can truly THRIVE in. Their success as parents, a.k.a. future generations hang on our efforts. Will our great-grandchildren look back and thank us for how we lived? Or will they look back and shake their heads, and have to strive to break the patterns we established? Who do you want to be in the course of history?

MOMS! Young, old, empty-nesters, and newly weds, YOU are the expert! YOU are the specialist! YOU are wiser than all the collective knowledge in the world, when it comes to YOUR child! BE your child's CHAMPION! Be courageous enough to BE what your child needs you to be...YOUR BEST.

The Truth Is, Your Kid is a Terrible Babysitter

2011-03-11T06:39:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had to tell someone, "Thanks for offering, but I don't want your daughter watching my kids. Ever." I am in a position where I may have to do that. I am a confrontation avoider habitually, and the parent in question is someone I will have to work with on a regular basis, so I am racking my brain to figure out a way to slide out of this one. But this situation will invariably arise again, and there will not always be an excuse. I might as well face the music, right? But how do you tell someone their kid is a terrible babysitter without making an enemy of them? I can't have this mom as my enemy, or can I? What if it were you? What would you do if you were on either end? How would you take it if someone said, "Thanks for offering for Saturday, but your daughter is emotionally reactive and it frightens my kids. They've asked me not to have her babysit them anymore. Instead of thinking through things in a logical way, she just reacts emotionally. It frightens me a little too. It's like having a 130lb 2yr-old supervise your kids." I know there are some of you who would say it in a heartbeat, and never look back. I have never had to do a thing like that. If I'm honest with her, I need to be honest about myself too. "The truth is, I'm a people-pleaser, and I have a hard time being completely honest. I have let your daughter watch my kids when I was desperate, hoping she would mature with time, but I wasn't grown-up enough to tell her or you my concerns. I have been in a unique position to inspire, and I have chosen the coward's way. I'm really sorry I haven't said anything before. My constant need to be liked has been holding me back from offering her some honest feedback that could inspire some self-reflection, growth and maturity in her." If I'm completely honest with myself, I feel like I would rather die than be that honest with someone, and yet if I'm to grow as a mature adult, those kinds of things MUST be done! Right Hal Runkel??

If I said that to you, would you feel defensive? Would you feel betrayed? Would you get angry? Would be overcome with anxiety and take it out on your daughter, making matters worse? Would you be glad I said it? Would you say, "so THAT's why no one calls her to come babysit...thanks for letting me know!" Is it something I should even worry about?

Can you give me some honest feedback? Moms with experience, on either end, please offer me some of your strength!

One Week?

2011-03-06T18:23:00.000-05:00

Why did I think one week would be enough? I barely got to face my demons and see the problems I've been distracted from head on, much less improve or become a better person. This week was more of a humbling experience than a lifting experience. I have gotten what I needed, not what I wanted. But I am hoping and praying that when God is finished bringing me to my knees, He'll lift me up again, and higher. I'm going for week 2 of striving to face problems, not hide from them--to be the kind of wife and mother who inspires confidence and gratitude--to separate myself from media, and focus on God's plan for me and my family.

Tired, but had to write

2011-03-02T21:44:00.000-05:00

Today I'm very tired. My arms and legs ache, my eyes are sagging, and my head is throbbing. Yet my heart is full, my soul is resting, and my face bears a warm smile. I feel peace inside, and I am falling asleep with a sense of comfort.

I could have lost it a little while ago. I couldn't get my children to pray with me. I was tired. I just wanted to get to bed, write, read, and be done for the day. But my children were busy using their imaginations and playing happily together. They ignored my every weak and tired plea. I started to get uptight, and felt hot anger knocking. On top of that, the house keeps getting messy, and sometimes it feels like fighting a losing battle when it comes to laundry and clutter. But as I prayed, I felt that familiar warmth come over me, and my daughter who was in the other room, sensed something, and came and knelt down with me. I prayed aloud when she came, so she could participate, and she started to hug me as I was praying.

When I finished, we sat still and basked in the warm light that surrounded us. I said, "I feel the Holy Spirit in my heart right now." Kaylee said, "I feel it too." I said, "It feels so warm and loving." Kaylee hugged me and said, "I know." She said, "Mommy, can we read the scriptures now?" So we did.

How it went today

2011-03-01T04:40:00.000-05:00

Today I found that I could not feel the Spirit as much as I wanted to. There was unfinished business in my home. Laundry undone, dishes piled in the sink, and clutter taking over. I spent much of my time running kids to and fro, and then realized that I would not get where I was seeking to go if my house is not in order. The Spirit cannot dwell in an unclean 'temple.' So this evening I got to work, cleaning, getting the kids to help. At first it was a frenzy, and I did a lot of scolding and snapping, and then I realized I was still "missing the mark."

I changed my tone, and explained to the kids why we were doing this. They became engaged, because they wanted to feel the Spirit too. They have missed it too. Then the cleaning took on a smoother gate, and swifter progress was made, because it was done in the spirit of seeking, and serving God.

There was a heavenly moment today that gave me just a tiny taste of what I'm hoping for. A moment when I got really honest with myself, and in turn, my kids. As I drove in the car, a feeling of anguish overcame me, and I felt inspired to share this journey with my children. I told them why they had seen me crying half the morning. I told them I feel such sadness, because I miss my Savior, I miss feeling His love all the time, and having it in our home all the time. They in turn shared that they have felt that way too. Remember, my kids are ages 6,5, and 2. They told me that they remember when I did not know Christ, and I was so angry and pushed them away from my heart, but now, especially after we moved to this house, "you are different," they said. "You want to love Jesus, and you keep trying to know Him. You still get angry, and then you get happy, and you just keep going back and forth." I shared with them that I want with all my heart to be a better, more loving Mommy, that they can trust to be close to Christ all the time.

I spent a lot of time crying today, yearning for what I used to be, the relationship I used to have with God. I spent some time on my knees, some time in reflection, reading, listening to, and watching inspirational media. Yet I did not read scriptures themselves. I feel like the Spirit has still not pierced my heart. It may be that only the actual words of God can break through these hardened walls. Look for an update tomorrow.

by David Wilkerson - Part 5

2011-02-28T16:13:00.000-05:00

One Week of Silence

2011-02-28T14:59:00.005-05:00

This week I am taking one week of silence from the world's clatter. All music, books, and media I watch, read, or listen to from today to Sunday will be spiritual in nature, uplifting, and unoffensive. I'm so tired of filtering, tired of saying, "close your eyes kids!" I'm tired of trying to push scenes from my mind, the constant assault against goodness and purity I endure daily as I partake of the entertainment industry that has pushed its way into into my home.

Sweet silence. Sweet rest.

This desire came to me the other day when I got home from a movie I will not mention, that I felt I was tricked into seeing, and I was offended and insulted by its content. I then had a dream where I was screaming and ranting at someone for a choice I had made, blaming him, resenting him, working myself into a frenzy and frightening my children, losing my own self-respect. I awoke in the middle of the night, and wept bitter tears. I and no one else am responsible for my ALL my choices.

I remembered, like a distant dream, a time when I entered a place in my spiritual development where I felt the purity and peace Christ offers with such perfect intensity that I could not feel anger, resentment, or blame. In that place, I had only the desire to do good, to see good, and had no hint of desire to partake in anything unworthy of a saint. I felt an enormous sense of FREEDOM I could never have imagined. I cannot stress that enough! I felt as though I could fly! Really! I felt the deepest anguish for suffering and sins, and equally intense and thorough JOY for God and Love! I felt released from all burdens. Any troubles that came my way were easily handled, gently and simply, with all the effort of turning a head, or a releasing a warm smile. Perfect clarity of vision and thought. The clarity is physiological, so much that it appears to you that colors hold more vibrancy, shapes have more defined lines, your physical vision seems to improve, and your thoughts are orderly, without confusion or forgetfulness. Things that once were old and stale become new, exciting, and fascinating. This kind of experience can only be found when the Spirit of God is in you, driving you, and surrounding you. It is Heaven on Earth. Heaven in you. That is my goal this week. If I do not reach it, I will try again, and again, and again. I testify that it IS possible to reach your personal heaven now, it is not necessary to wait until after we die. In fact, it is crucial that we do not.

Who has not found the heavn' below

Will fail of it above,

For angels rent the house next ours

Wherever we remove.

-Emily Dickenson

HEAVEN is worth any effort to get to. The reward is worth any sacrifice! I promise you, He promises you, IT IS WORTH IT.

It requires a pure heart, it requires a deep, yearning desire, and willingness to surrender to God every moment of every day. It requires studying scripture intently, and avoiding any possible temptations to darken or confuse one's spirit. Love instead of anger, humility instead of indignation, kindness and mercy instead of impatience and irritation. To think of Christ, to focus on myself instead of judging others, reaching out to others in service and love.

The progress forward is easily lost, just one unkind word, one surrender to impatience or irritation, any degree of entertainment of non-virtuous or impure thoughts will hamper it. But if we are seeking constantly, to only do GOOD, we will have no desire for these things.

I recently heard a talk given, wherein the ability of Jesus Christ to remain unspotted by sin and darkness was looked at closely. The speaker reminded us of the scriptures all throughout the New and Old Testament, that speak of His temptations, which means he was absolutely free to choose sin (spiritual separation from God.) Yet he did not, as we so often do. How? The answer is revealed in the scriptures as well. "He went about doing good continually." He had the intense desire to always do good. That must be our desire as well, if we wish to follow His path.

THIS WEEK--Today

I will seek, pray, and study during all my free time. When I am not free to read or study or pray, I will work internally. I will not waste any time this week. He promises that "If ye seek me, ye shall find me."

This journey is impossible without deep humility. I cannot say, "I am so glad I don't have THOSE problems, and I don't make THOSE mistakes! I'm really doing pretty good compared to...(what I used to be, him or her, etc.)" Instead I must look without blinking at my own flaws, not even thinking of others' flaws. "I am nothing. I am pained by my sins, and all sin in general. I am flawed and weak. I have no strength of my own. I could not exist without His grace and mercy. I am SO unworthy of His love, and yet he gives it freely! My will does not matter, only His will. My wants are meaningless, only His matter. I do not want my wants. I want His wants. I am powerless against my addictions (can be TV, Internet, Food, Caffeine, you name it!) I give up! I, of my own free will and choice, give all I am--to HIM."

One of the most heartfelt pleas I have heard is A Call to Anguish by David Wilkerson. I ask you to ask yourself the questions posed there. Godly anguish is a clear first step, if we are ever to experience true joy. I hope this will have the effect on you it did on me, to shake you out of apathy and contentment, and give you a desire to mourn for your own sins and the sins of the world. "You allow HIM to melt and break you..." and if you have done this before, do it again! Do it again and again, and your heart will change within you. You will become an instrument in His hands. You will find a place of peace, rest, and rejoicing in Christ, which joy is always deepened by your anguish for sin.

I do not know if any of you have been to the place I'm speaking of. But I do know, and promise you that it is worth ANY effort you make to get there, even if you can't maintain it forever, just a small taste will be unforgettable, and you will strive your whole life to get back there. The memory will be an anchor, a constant fixed point you can use to gauge your decisions, and take your spiritual temperature. You will never forget, and there will be times you may say, how did I get there? You will feel homesick for it. You will mourn for it. You will feel lost without it, and beg Christ to help you back there. And when you find it again, it will be sweeter than you remembered, it will be as though you awoke from a very deep sleep, and you are now finally living! You will rejoice with all your heart, and you will bless others beyond your imagining.

The Children Will Know, and Thank You

Perhaps the sweetest reward of arriving in the place I speak is that you will be a catalyst to your children through this journey. Young children are so homesick for heaven, they will feel that touch of HOME immediately, and rejoice! Their mouths will be loosed, their faces will beam with an almost visible light, joy will pour from them, as they speak things so profound you will be astonished, afraid to speak, lest you spoil the moment with your unworthy words.
This was our experience, and it is beyond description. You will see them as wise, privy to knowledge and understanding you do not have, and it will humble you further. It will effect them in ways they will remember for a lifetime.

click here for Heavenly Music

OH, I wish I had the words to adequately describe it--the purity, the freedom, the overpowering joy! The sweet, sweet feeling of ultimate rest, the calm assurance, the LOVE, the cleanliness, the PEACE. It is available to us ALL!! We can begin TODAY. I choose THIS day, to strive for Heaven.

"Remember that the only REAL control in life is Self-Control."

-Jeffery R. Holland

ScreamFree Marriage, Part 2

2011-02-15T00:22:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much to those who participated in yesterday's GIVEAWAY! The winner has been notified. I so badly wanted to give a copy away to everyone who wrote me! I do hope that you who did write to me, and were serious about wanting to use the book to improve your relationships will purchase a copy of it yourself, or at least request it at your local library.

As promised, here are some highlights from the book:

One of my favorite parts of the book is the Preface. It is an eye-opening, appetizing spoonful of the hearty meal he is about to serve.

Preface pg. xvi "I believe all people function best when given clarity about their situation--the truths about their situation--and then given clarity about their specific choices within that situation. Which choice you make is up to you and can never be determined by another, even a so-called expert like me."

pg. xv The Only Commucication Skill You Need to Learn Is Authentic Self-Representation (ASR)

pg. xvii "I am writing this book directly to your integrity, because your integrity knows that life and marriage are difficult, and that no growth in life or marriage can happen without clarity, challenge, and truth. Your integrity also knows what you want most, and the very fact that you're reading this book testifies to your deepest dream:"

"Again, hold on, because if you dare to keep turning these pages, you're in for a bumpy ride--a ride that may turn all that you've been taught about marriage upside down."

The real meat of the book begins immediately:

pg. 4 "If you want a warm, lasting marriage, you have to learn to keep your cool. "Keeping your cool" does not refer to simple anger-management techniques or artificial rules of engagement (fighting fair)....

pg. 5 "Here, keeping your cool means discovering and holding on to your truest self...It means willingly and calmly facing the natural fires of marital commitment, and actually growing up--and getting closer--through them...It means keeping your cool as you face conflicts with your spouse that may have previously set you off in some form of "screaming."

"Being ScreamFree means holding on to your deepest desires for connection and boldly making yourself vulnerable...without knowing how your spouse will respond."

"It means viewing old marital patterns through new lenses, no longer seeing those patterns as indications of irreconcilable differences, but rather as opportunities to grow your personal integrity and transform your relationship. It's not a journey for timid spirits, but the rewards are certainly worth the struggle."

"Chapter 1-- If You're Not Under Control, You Cannot Be In Connection"

pg. 12 "We all scream too much. We are either screaming at our spouses on the outside, or screaming at ourselves on the inside. We scream because we react to the anxiety of the relationship and the anxiety of the moment."

"Now I hear what some of you are thinking. "But I don't ever scream at my spouse." Screaming is the term I use to describe...emotional reactivity...allowing our worst fears to drive our choices, instead of our highest principles."

(See appendix A for the five ways we scream...only one of which entails raised voices.)

That is just through Chapter 1! It gets even better from there, but since I can't go through the whole book. Here are just a few of the gems I found:

Runkel speaks honestly about his relationship with his wife:

pg. 86 "I wanted to grow up and assume more responsibility precisely because she didn't need me to."

Runkel on adults growing up beyond our parents:

pg. 123 "skiing is hard. Really hard. There is just a natural difficulty to it. And when children encounter this natural difficulty, if their parents are anywhere in sight, they will naturally go to lean on them...and never learn to lean on themselves."

Chapter 7 A ScreamFree Marriage Leads to Scream-Filled Sex

Let me just note here that as a strong Christian, I worried about what I might find in this chapter. I found it enlightening, intense, and still porn-free. Here's an example:

pg.183 "One thing I always investigate with couples who come to see me is their practices of sexual initiation. This is because learning how couples dance around this most intimate and risky of proposals is a fantastically clear window into the relationship, and the individual partners as a whole."

pg. 187 "...it's not about your spouse validating your efforts--it's about you validating yourself as a whole, mature, sexual person, capable of owning and pursuing your deepest desires."

pg. 189 "It is no use wishing to see Europe if you're too afraid to travel."

"You got married with a biological, emotional, and spiritual desire for intense connection. Now, the years and kids and mortgages and fights have a way of disconnecting you from that passion...it's not completely dead. It is within you, waiting for you to Calm Down and Grow Up enough for you to Get Closer to your partner."

Chapter 8 Intimacy Begins With An "I"

pg. 220 "...self-representation is the answer to every problem in marriage...[it] makes for a remarkable connection because it ensures that the two trying to connect are at least trying to be authentic and truthful...[it] eradicates the villain of marital boredom."

Chapter 9 Let Love Rule

"When you are calm and present, you become a calming presence."

pg. 229 "Stop focusing on what your spouse is trying to do to you, and start focusing on something much more fruitful: changing yourself."

Readers, I will leave you on that note, with a disclaimer that Runkel is a much better writer than I, and if I have taken these words out of context and made them seem rote, or uninteresting, I apologize. The fault then would be mine, because this book is riveting--downright hard to put down. It is funny, sad, exciting, emotional--all the things a good book should be. I highly recommend it if you are ready to take the plunge into a deeper, more satisfying relationship with yourself, your spouse, and everyone else around you.

I do not recommend this book if you are looking for ways to manipulate your spouse. You will not find those answers here.

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

2011-02-13T16:28:00.000-05:00

Screamfree Marriage by Hal Runkel-a book review

I waited anxiously for the arrival of my package for days and days. When it finally did arrive, the package was covered in black scuffs, torn, and re-taped. Inside, stuffing and debris mixed with the anticipated cache. This little package had been severely abused. But inside, the two books it contained, both copies of the same book, needed only to be dusted off, and were good as new. I opened the book with great anticipation, knowing I would find gold inside.

I turned the pages, underlining and taking notes, enjoying immensely the stories, the laughter, and the insights. I knew I could recommend this book with no hesitation. As I began to end the first half, however, something began to change. I found myself slowing down. My vision blurred if I tried to read too quickly. I found myself reflecting, not on whether my readers would enjoy such and such, but on my own marriage, my own relationships, and myself in general. In each example he gave, I began to see myself. With each page were deeper truths, truths that I could not skim by quickly without stopping, and taking some kind of action, even if it was just pacing around. This book, I found, is about change. It is for real. It is not for the light-minded.

You cannot read this book and be the same. You cannot read this book and feel there is not some new action you want to take to alter yourself in your relationships. This book may cause you to look at your relationships with new eyes. It may shift your perspective from onlooker, receiver, victim, or passer-by, to doer. You may begin to formulate a plan in your mind. If you are not ready to face your demons, you may feel a sick feeling of dread, realizing that if you do not do something differently, you won't be able to live with yourself, because now you see clearly, the gap between the relationships you want, and the relationships you have. This book will not allow you to gloss over problems or stuff them away for another day. It will not let you push them to the back of your mind, and hope they will fix themselves with time. This book will show you how a small problem left unaddressed, will grow to a bigger problem, and maybe even a fatal problem down the road. Gradually, you become aware of the very real truth--you have the power to change all your relationships for the better, and it will take courage.

I thought I was a courageous person. I thought that I had little to change, and nothing to hide. I thought that I was already pretty honest and open with others and myself. But the thought of facing my demons came crashing down on me after 2/3 of the book was finished, and I found myself resisting. I was so unaware of how the truth would affect me so deeply, I was embarrassed and ashamed. I began thinking, "Who am I to review this book? Who am I to write this blog? Who am I to preach hope and change, and then panic when I am called by my own conscience change again?" I found myself weeping.

And then, slowly, I began to feel the sweet assurance that Runkel offers, that this is not something to fear. I began to understand that he wasn't leaving me to do this alone. I had his words beside me. I had his wisdom and could read it again and again, before taking any action of my own. Runkel is so honest and warm in his communications, that I felt as though I were looking at him--almost as if he were my own personal counselor. He spoke so informally, with a genuine admission of his own faults, he caught me off-guard, and I found myself easily admitting my own faults, many of them I had not realized before.

I sit here, still stunned by what I found. What I found was something different than I expected. I did not find a treasure of secrets; I did not find a wealth of "tips," or ways to inspire others to change, or even a recipe for how to change my own behavior. I found instead, a mirror--a special kind of mirror that when looked into revealed all the parts of myself that I desperately tried to hide. The parts that were quietly sabotaging my relationships in little and big ways.

I found out from this book why I have trouble getting close to people; why I have never had a best friend; why I have been holding people I love at arms-length; why I sit and write this blog---really. I discovered more about myself and my habits of relating than I ever wanted to know, and now I can never be the same. Do not read this book lightly. Do not read it if you are not serious about wanting your relationships to improve. As Runkel says, "Hold on. This may not be the marriage book for you."

While I cannot casually recommend this book, I can give you a warning, and an assurance, that while you will not be the same when you close the pages, you will not want to be the same, either. I found not only a wake-up call, but also a way to improve and heal myself and my relationships, that, while not easy, is simple. And it is possible, for anyone, even me, to do.

Tomorrow I will give some quotes from the book, and other gems I found, teasers, if you will, that will give you a greater understanding of it. But today I wanted to share with you my reaction.

Just like the scuffed, torn and ripped envelope that my books arrived in, many of our relationships are being taped together on the outside after being dragged through terrible ordeals. Many of us don't even realize that there is a way to discard that ugly cover. Inside each of us is a gem that perhaps needs only to be dusted off, and we will find therein a gleaming, fresh relationship where the dust, dirt and stuffing used to cling.

Valentines Day! GIVE it AWAY!?!

I have been given a great opportunity to give away one free copy of this book on Valentines Day.

I have thought long and hard about how to go about doing this. I can choose only one friend or family member to share this with at no cost to you, and I cannot in good conscience give it away lightly. I will decide, based on your letters to me today and tomorrow, which of you wants (notice I did not say 'needs') it the most. I will include my contact information below, and if you write me, and give me your solemn word that you will use this book as a tool, and not "throw it out the window" once it gets a bit uncomfortable, (which believe me is very tempting, as Runkel himself admits,) you may find a book coming to your door!

If you read this blog, but are not yet a follower, click on the link on the top left side of the page that says, "follow." That way everyone will have a better idea of how many people actually read regularly.

Email Ginny at:

ginnyleeferguson@yahoo.com

Here is just a sample of a part of Screamfree Marriage's message. Runkel sites Shel Silverstein's creations, "The Missing Piece," and "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O" as some of his favorite books. He describes the story line, but does not include the ending, hoping we readers will look it up on our own. So here is The Missing Piece Meets the Big O for you, readers, with the ending intact.

Scream-Free

2011-02-02T15:48:00.001-05:00

I recently allowed a teenage girl to help watch my kids while I got some things done. I was embarrassed and disturbed at how immature this girl was. It was like a magnifying mirror being held up so I could see how I look when I act like that at times. Whining at the kids, bossing them by raising her voice, telling them to "stop it!" constantly, getting madder and madder each time they did something she told them not to do, acting like they should obey her simply because she was bigger; all tell-tale signs of immaturity. She is a teenager. She's immature by nature. What's our excuse?

The children were uncomfortable and went about pushing the limits, trying to establish some sort of boundaries. She only saw what they were doing as a challenge to her authority, which she had never established in the first place. She was too lazy to come up with a suitable distraction or even a consequence for doing things that were off limit, so she just raised her voice and maintained, a constant, "I'm about to lose my temper if you do that again," kind of attitude. It's easy to see the flaw in someone else, harder to see in ourselves. One of my favorite posts, Response-Ability, draws a line between being Responsible, and Response-able. Both attributes go hand in hand. How do I respond when children want to exercise their own will? How do I go about motivating them to be responsible? Do I just boss them around? When I'm lazy, do I act like that immature teenage girl?

I told the girl at one point, "anything that gets an emotional rise out of you, they will do over and over again." Yet she still used her emotions to scold and try to control them negatively. Then I asked myself, 'do I do that?' 'Do I listen to my own advice?' I am so annoyed with this girl, but is it because I see myself in her? Is it really myself I'm irritated with?

I noticed that she would whip them up into a frenzy, being wild and encouraging them to run and scream , for about 5 minutes, and then she was done, and would then go about pushing them away, and yelling at them for taking it too far, as children always do. She couldn't seem to keep on an even keel at all, and so neither could they. By the end of the evening, my children were emotionally exhausted and frustrated. My daughter acted out the whole time, with a smile on her face, and then when we got in the car, she burst into tears. She needed the calm, controlled, security of someone she could trust.

Needless to say, teenagers are not going to be babysitting my kids anymore, even if I'm in the room. I am more determined than ever to be the emotional rock in my home, so that the children can not move me. I am in control of myself, and they can count on me. If I feel strongly about something, I will control that feeling so that I express it in a constructive way, not just explode when my "buttons are pushed" or other nonsense.

"Button Pushing" is my current pet peeve. It really 'pushes my buttons' when someone tells me someone is 'pushing their buttons!' Stop letting people control you! You are powerful enough to choose your own reactions! I can CHOOSE to bless someone who is cursing me. I can CHOOSE to show kindness when someone else is showing contempt. I can lower my voice when someone else is raising their voice. I can feel love for someone who is seething with hate. I CAN CHOOSE to smile warmly when someone is scowling or glaring at me. It is possible with all relationships, but it is especially crucial when dealing with children. When they are out of control they desperately need an example of disciplined self-control to fall into.

I renew this goal right now. I promise myself and my children, I will be the opposite of the immature teenager. I will be the rock they need, and I will never allow them to be at the mercy of such insecurity again. Cross my heart.

Rededicating Our Home

2011-01-24T07:40:00.005-05:00

HENRY B. EYRING
First Counselor in the First Presidency
April 2010

"The best counsel for us to give young people is that they can arrive back to Heavenly Father only as they are guided and corrected by the Spirit of God. So if we are wise, we will encourage, praise, and exemplify everything which invites the companionship of the Holy Ghost. When they share with us what they are doing and feeling, we must ourselves have qualified for the Spirit. Then they will feel in our praise and our smiles the approval of God. And should we feel the need to give corrective counsel, they will feel our love and the love of God in it, not rebuke and rejection, which can permit Satan to lead them further away."

"The example they most need from us is to do what they must do. We need to pray for the gifts of the Spirit. We need to ponder in the scriptures and in the words of living prophets. We need to make plans which are not only wishes but covenants. And then we need to keep our promises to the Lord. And we need to lift others by sharing with them the blessings of the Atonement which have come in our lives."

Thomas S. Monson
October 2000

"As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield its contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book in the library of learning of our homes."

When my child emulates me, do I like what I see? Am I annoyed and embarrassed at what I see? My daughter Kaylee is the most determined of my children to become like me, and is the most defiant when it comes to obeying verbal commands. She insists that she be allowed to follow my example, not my words. Of course there are times when this causes problems, such as when she tries disciplining her brothers, using sharp knives, or using the stove. A 6-yr-old is simply not equipped to do these things. Yet she feels entitled to learn from my example. Do I use the knife carefully? Do I use the stove responsibly? Do I discipline with love?

There are many tragic times I wish I could take back my actions and words as soon as I see them repeated. So much we do is hurtful and harsh. Harshness is never ever necessary, but it is always hurtful. Let me repeat that, because it is something I've learned later in life, and it goes against what many believe, but is crucial to understand when searching for a more "peaceful way" to parent. It is NEVER ever necessary to be harsh or hurtful to anyone, least of all, children.

The strictest discipline can be done with a spirit of love and compassion, with patience and good will. We can see the children as our equals, and teach them as one equal teaching another. It is not necessary to break them. It is not helpful to waste their early childhood puffing ourselves up to be infallible, angry gods who constantly disapprove of them.

Children have tender feelings. You can't scorn a child, any child, and it not be felt deeply. They may keep a straight face, shrug it off, even smile; but your facial expression and your words will sink far down into their psyche, and they will not be able to forget your opinion of them. It will become a part of their self-talk, and it will take years of struggling for them to overcome your hurt. It only takes once. Remember? How many times have you done this to a child? How many times a day?

What can you do if, like me, you find yourself guilty of the above and want to change? We, all of us can pray fervently for help, forgiveness, and for the children we have hurt. We can struggle and cry, and ask God for the ability to feel their pain, so that we can be in no doubt of every bit of the consequences of our actions. We can beg and plead with our Heavenly Father to open our eyes, and open our hearts, and through Christ, cleanse us of the desire to hurt. We can beg that Christ will intervene, so the child will not suffer long for our sin, and we can ask for their forgiveness, and the forgiveness of our God.

We can breathe, count to ten, say a prayer, cry, or do jumping jacks to keep from losing our temper. We can strive to be example-worthy in all our actions. We can maintain hope and confidence that our children will be able to grow into their best selves, even when they make mistakes. We can look at them as the best they can become, and see in them all the goodness of God. We can correct instead of criticizing. We can feed our Spirit, and qualify and pray for the gift of Charity.

Imagine if you will, a world of Christian love. If all people in the world had Charity for one another, there would be no suffering, no war, no unfed hunger, no untreated disease. There would be no hurtful crimes of any kind, no affairs, no unwanted children, no uncared for elderly, handicapped, or mentally ill. No one would be alone. No one would yell or hit another person in anger. This is a world worth striving for. This is MY dream, and it begins with me. It begins with you. It begins with little children.

"Happiness in family lifeis most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." ~ The Family: A Proclamation to the World ~

Little Children

2011-01-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

In the Spirit

2011-01-19T10:41:00.001-05:00

Living in the Spirit, and living without the Spirit are like living in constant day or night. It is so easy for us parents to let time pass on autopilot. Perhaps we are deeply afraid of failure? So we immerse ourselves, or maybe our kids, in constant distractions and we don't have to focus on the things that we're anxious about. TV, computer, video games,even worthy things like school work, good books, church responsibilities and activities, hobbies and social events can be distractions. These things are fine to do occasionally, some even regularly. Just be aware that if you're not paying attention, you may become distracted from the things that matter most. You may find yourself unknowingly spiraling downward spiritually, emotionally, and eventually, physically and mentally, if you do not stop and give attention to the present things that are of most importance. Your spiritual strength, your children's spiritual strength, your relationship with your spouse and children, relationships with all friends and family. But when you're living, breathing, and walking in the Spirit, you will your family's worthy activities will change from a distraction to an enrichment, and your success will be magnified, while the unworthy distractions will lose their strength of attraction.

Yesterday I spent all day going from one distraction to the next, when I decided to stop and feed my spirit. It was just about an hour before bedtime. My kids hadn't listened all day, I was discouraged, and I didn't feel like doing the laundry or other things I knew I should do. I guess I just had an off-day. But then, as my spirit was being nourished, I started to feel it. It was gradual; a slow warming, an opening of the eyes; a drink of cool water; a coming-home feeling. This occurred as I listened to a talk about finding happiness, and felt the spirit in the talk. I didn't hear all of it, but the spirit still entered the home.

I know because not only could I feel it, but my son came in and asked what I was listening to. He is only four, but he decided to listen too. He asked some questions, and suddenly, my efforts to communicate were not frustrating as they had been all day, it was easy! The words just rolled off my tongue effortlessly, because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying, I was letting the Spirit speak. My son could hear and understand, unlike earlier in the day, when he just tuned me out. Then my daughter came in. Same story. Several things I'd been trying to get through to her suddenly broke through without effort. The walls between us fell, and we were able to bask in the love and understanding we felt. My littlest one came in and it was the same experience for a third time. I'm sure many of you out there have had moments like this, when the Spirit bridges the gaps and you're amazed at how easy that was!

The truth is, it doesn't have to be a moment here or there that we have help from the Spirit. Living in the Spirit can be the norm. We can live so the off-moments are the rare ones, not the other way around. I have lived this way before, and I know I can live it again.

2011-01-11T01:12:00.000-05:00

Today Kaylee locked herself in the bathroom, and then called me to come wipe her. She refuses to learn to wipe yet. It's gross, and she won't do it, she says. In the past, I've been willing to find a nail, unlock the door, and do her dirty work, telling her each time that it's about time she learn to do this herself. This time, I didn't want to. I told her she would have to do it herself, and I refused to go in. She sat in the bathroom for about 30 minutes, begging, crying, waiting, and wailing.

“Mommy! Please! Won't you please come take care of me? You have to take care of me, you're my Mommy! Will nobody take care of me? Daddy? Daddy!! Can't you come wipe me? Daddy!!”

“Mommy! If you don't come wipe me, I will be stuck here forever! Whaaa...”

“Mommy, if I am stuck here forever, I will die! Do you want me to die? Whaaa”

Through tears: “I think that nobody cares about me!”

“Help me somebody! Please!”

Then pleading, “JESUS!! HELP ME!”

That's when I finally caved. Wouldn't you? I guess she'll learn eventually, right? How could I let her pleas to heaven go unanswered? Some day she'll learn all about how God helps us in his own time and way, and how sometimes he lets us struggle on our own for our own good, but that's a hard lesson to learn, and it tries the faith of many an adult. I just want her to know that Mom is her personal angel, the hands of Christ in her life. So phewy! The child still hasn't learned to wipe herself!

We never know, do we, if we're doing things right? We don't really know if we're being too soft, or too harsh, too unyielding, or too flexible? So much depends on our success, and so much depends on their success. All I can hope is that He will come help her when she's trying to overcome the mistakes I make daily. I guess we all have that right to call on Him for that. Aren't we blessed to have that safety net?

If you've never been thrown up on, you're probably not a mom

2010-12-21T08:40:00.000-05:00

"I Frowed up Mommy."

The human body is full of many wonders and miracles. One of those is its ability to fight off pathogens that seek to destroy it. If a pathogen is found, and its design signals the body to purge the stomach in defense, we are presented with the contents of the stomach. Again, and again, and again. We can learn about it, hear about it, but until you have had the contents of someone else's stomach ejected onto you (and furniture and carpet,) the true depth of the experience will not be understood.

There is a series of reactions we go through when it happens the first time.

Disbelief: "That did not just happen!!"

The internal "Ick" Factor: "Nasty! Gross! Ugh! Get it off! Ew! Ew! Ew!"

Confusion: "How am I supposed to clean this up?"

Whine: "I want MY mommy!"

Action: "I guess I'll get the paper towels...Pine Sol, spray Lysol,Windex, scrub brush, towels..."

Then back to "Ick": "I don't want to touch that!!" Fighting the gag reflex as you get elbow deep in the stuff despite your best efforts to remain unsoiled or to avoid further soiling.

Resignation: "This is the situation, I will do what it takes to remedy it."

With each successive time, each reaction begins to fade or slow down, and eventually, thankfully, only Resignation is left. Once we process our reactions, we can start to feel compassion, pity, empathy, and even sorrow for the sick person. We begin to think clearly, plan ahead for the next time, and even take time out for some hugs and snuggling, yes, even sick people, need hugs, and if you're a mom who won't hug her sick children for fear of getting sick, shame on you! Courage is a necessary ingredient of parenting. Another necessary ingredient is an immune supplement, like Airborne, Emergen-C, Zicam, Echinacea, or dozens other virus-fighting products and herbs, like garlic, or zinc, or vitamin D. So do take care of yourself, but also, be there for your kids.

To all you moms who have held a sick baby, I applaud you! To all you moms who don't react with disgust to their throw-up anymore, because you've allowed yourself to experience it enough times, Thank You! You are a champion to your children, and an example they will never forget! You are not sacrificing for them, you are rising up to meet their needs, and you are rising in the process! You are a Hero. You are a Saint. You are being blessed in ways you cannot imagine. Good job!

If you are anyone who cleans the bodily excretions and fluids of anyone else, be it the elderly, the infirm, the handicapped, or children, THANK YOU. You deserve all the praise this world can offer. You are growing in ways you can't imagine, more and more each time. You are a blessing; an instrument in God's hands, and you are so dearly appreciated, if not by the recipient, then by your Father in Heaven. May God continue to bless you.

A Mortal Experience

2010-12-20T07:55:00.041-05:00

Today a teacher asked a question that I've heard before, but needed to hear again. She asked, "Do you FEEL as though you are a Human being, who occasionally has spiritual experiences, or do you FEEL as though you were a spiritual being, having a mortal experience?"

I have always heard that question as a sort of trivia question. I always knew the right answer, so I just answered correctly, and went on. But today I realized the question is about how we FEEL. There is no right answer! So today this thought was heavy on my mind: Perhaps I know better, but am I feeling like the cares and concerns of this life are all that matter? Am I thinking about the larger picture at all? Do I feel my own eternal spirit inside me, ancient and yearning for growth? Do I see it in my children?

Last night I put my kids to bed. I read them stories, I told them a scripture story, I prayed with them, and then I got ready to leave. Kaylee was feeling insecure and asked me to stay a little longer. I was tired, but I agreed, having a feeling she was only asking for what she needed. She asked if we could sing a song together. ''I Know That My Savior Loves Me." As we sang together, our voices blending, and our hearts open, we looked into each other's eyes. We felt the spirit of that beautiful song. I saw her singing with all her heart, as a testimony of her true belief and hope. I admired her simple yet undying faith. Her spirit seemed to rise and take comfort in those meaningful words.

She began to change shape before me. First, she was a baby again, so little, so innocent, so hopeful, and then she was an angel, trusting in her God with all her heart. I saw such purity that I was ashamed to meet her eyes. I saw such power that I felt weak to my knees. I forced myself to look into her eyes again. I needed to see what was in there. I saw such love and goodness that I wanted to hide. I smiled lovingly into her eyes, but deep down I wanted to curl up and cry and beg her forgiveness that I ever lost patience with her. I was ashamed that I ever didn't see her for who she really was. I was embarrassed and sorry that I ever yelled or got irritated with such a beautiful daughter of God. I told her what I saw. I prayed with her right then, that she and I would help each other grow, and that as she did, that she would look to her Savior for her perfect example, and I would too. I do not want to be the authority figure in my home anymore. I want it to be Him.

Deepak Chopra, in his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents:
   "I was the daddy, and they were the kids. But there have been other, rarer moments when the whole facade fell away. I've seen my son give me a glance that said, 'Here we are again. What an interesting game we're playing this time.' I've seen my daughter smile in such a way that I just knew she was on the verge of laughing out loud at the masks we have put on to keep our roles alive.

"In those precious glances and smiles I felt the bond of innocence, which is more powerful than love because it transcends love. Instead of just being here as a unit with its own private triumphs and failures, every family is a communion of souls. What we have in common isn't where we live...We are sailing the seas of immortality together--that is the real bond. When you can see past the role playing and still act your role with love and dedication, then I believe you are truly spiritual in your approach to parenting."

He also explains, "I don't look upon spiritual law as optional--this is how the universe works as it unfolds from pure, unmanifest Being to the infinite variety of the created world." How true that is! This is not some gimmick to try, or some parenting tricks to use on your kids to get them to obey. When we understand ourselves and our families in context of our spiritual roles, our lives and the part that we play comes into the correct perspective. We, and all our associations begin to change at the core.

If you feel mortal and occasionally seek some spiritual uplift, you are not alone. I have been the same way. But to live in the Spirit is to feel immortal and understand that for the moment we must care for mortal things. The two perspectives are actually opposite.

Chopra, pg. 154 " Parents are used to being the authority figures. As such, we are above and beyond our children--smarter, more powerful, more experienced, in command of money and property. From this position of authority, parents have been able to pass judgement, to inflict punishment, to lay down rules of right and wrong, and to do so with a clear sense of duty and purpose.
   "This book has outlined a different duty and purpose. In this...vision, a parent isn't an authority. You and your child are both souls; you are both embarked on the journey of soul-making. The only difference is the roles you have chosen. All souls are immortal; they cannot be created or destroyed. But we choose temporary roles to play.
   "The most good you can do for yourself spiritually is to play your role as parent with total love, conviction, and purpose...This role will uplift and inspire you more than any other. The same is true for your child...your child has decided to be a weak, vulnerable infant...And yet both of you, if you strip away the role playing, are pure souls, equal as one. Innocence enables you to see this, to play the role yet go beyond it."

As I write this, I know there are going to be many who read this and fight against this notion. I know there will be some who will be offended at their authority being challenged. I get that. I feel it too a little. When I abdicate authority to God, I become I child too. We, my children and me, become siblings of our Father in Heaven, striving together to become what He wants us to be. Then my efforts to teach them become acts of Charity, not assertion of my authority. I of myself have no authority, I am only acting in His name.

These are the thoughts that are coming to me, I feel, as answer to many prayers, in order to help me along this process of a change of heart and soul.

Step ONE: Become my child's equal, and lead out from compassion, not pride, fear, anxiety, or selfish desire.
"All men [women and children] are created equal."
"God is no respecter of persons."

Pride is the trap easiest to fall into.

When I think of my children as immortal and eternal souls, equal to myself, the fight goes out of me. The anger, the frustration and the need to control dissipates, while love, acceptance, wonder and innocence slip reverently in.

Thomas S. Monson quoted in October 2001: "Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of Great Britain, expressed the profound philosophy: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of the society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”

Monson continues: "There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals."

1Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the ^atemple of God, and that the^bSpirit of God dwelleth ^cin you?

I add,...and in your children? The powerful spirit I saw in my daughter can never be forgotten. It is as though I saw God himself coming to the surface of my daughter's face. I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magnificent. I have never realized my own deep horror at the thought of meeting God face to face in my sinful state. I remember with tears that moment, such beauty that I could not fully look upon it. It is truly beyond words.

All young children possess the capacity to reflect God himself because they are without sin. Find it in a young child, and you too will never be the same.

Lying Softly tell me gently, whisper lightly, ever kindly.

Listen to my story young one. You have uttered, I have wondered. Wandering I'm searching for the innocence you sweetly plunder.

Oh can you understand my hunger for the love I see you offer. Can you feel my longing for the joy I see that shines inside you?

My one--true love---my dear, small child.

'Come let me show how to dance in the winter and laugh at the clouds how they're changing the weather and see how the sun's brightly shining for you mother, and see how the grass gently blows in the summer!'

How can a one so innocent and pure ever know a thing of this cruel world?
Light surrounds you, smiles abound you, wonder crowds you, beauty found you!

Joy is here! Pick it up! And understand the love of God.
Joy is here! Place it in your heart. And understand, the Joy of Love!
Joy is here! Pick it up! And you will understand the Joy of God! God is Love!

Is This Your Ideal Life?

2010-12-18T18:30:00.000-05:00

In the book "It's All Too Much" by Peter Walsh, he asks you the reader to look around your home; ask yourself, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal life look like?"; then after the vision is crystal clear in your mind, clear away everything that doesn't fit into that ideal.

I would like to take that advice, and then take it one step further. For some, a TV in the bedroom is cluttering their ideal love life. For others, a lack of self control is preventing their ideal relationships. For still others, a lack of understanding or closeness to Spirit is hampering their ability to feel compassion and love for others. Each of us is unique, and our lives are all as imperfect and different as we are. But for all of us, a lack of attention and consistent work will result in chaos.

Acknowledging Weaknesses, Compensating For Them

I was looking around my house the other day, and I snapped. Have you ever done that? I was just walking around, tidying, and as I told my kids for the umpteenth time to pick up their toys. My daughter, the high-spirited one, tells me it's not her job, and I should just do it for her, and as I began to argue with her, I realized something very important. This is not the life I want. This is not how I want to spend my time. Peter Walsh's words came back to me like a roaring wave, and I snapped.
I went through the house gathering as many toys as I could find, even things that were put away, and I put them in the car. I got rid of many, many things my children claimed to love, yet showed no respect for, and I informed them they were all going to charity. I then went through my own things, starting with my shoes, and started throwing out and donating things I don't use and don't need. It felt so good!  But something else was nagging at me that I couldn't quite pin down.

I got rid of about 90% of their toys, loved or not. You may think I'm nuts and say to yourself, "those poor kids!"  That thought did run through my mind briefly, but I pushed it away. Christmas is next week. At least 30 more toys are about to enter our house, so these kids will be fine.

I know a great organizer. She fits a large amount of stuff into her dust-free home which has few closets, and large empty spaces. She is neat and tidy, with a place for everything, and everything in its place. She is also not me. I have no organization skills apart from occasional bursts of energy. I do not do well with daily maintenence. So to make up for that, I need less stuff. My goal here is not to tell you that you should get rid of all your kids' toys.  I am attempting to make an analogy.

I filled up the entire car, and sent it away with my husband this morning. "Good riddance!" I thought to myself. Away went all the source of the contention and stress in my home, right?

Wrong

Today I thought would be a finishing day, of finally turning the house into "My ideal life." I was sure that the kids would be grateful not to be scolded for leaving their toys about. I was sure that this would be a good day.

Wrong

I dragged, humphed, and got highly irritated with my kids who fought nearly all day. My daughter even taught the 2-yr-old some new moves, such as how to scream, "I hate you!" and kicking me during a tantrum. It was when my daughter kicked me and ran to her room that I had to stop and ask myself once again, but this time with more thought, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal family look like?" I didn't have to imagine it, I just had to think back and remember. What was different back then? What was encroaching on that vision? What needed to be cleared away?

THE SOURCE

It was then that I realized that the toys, while they were cluttering up my home, my time, and my verbal commands, were not the SOURCE of the contention that has lately been sneaking into my home. I am thankful that they were not there to be blamed. This was not my children, or my husband, or simply life's hardships. This was my doing. I had lost my drive, my spirit, my intuition, my patience, and worst of all, my charity. I had changed, and so my family followed suit. It is time to apologize, and start again.

Reading My Own Blog

For the next little while, this blog will be centered around my attempts to change, to overcome negative reactions in mind, words, and body, and become positively pro-active, again. To help with that, I am going to be reading my own blog, along with the scriptures, church literature, uplifting and helpful books, and striving to live only the good, while clearing away the bad. This is where I will discover if my blog is actually helpful in helping someone change. If it is not, changes will be made. With God's help, I know I can do this. I know without a doubt that change is truly possible, with a confession, a desire to change, true sorrow, and a broken heart before God.  I also know it will require Faith that my God is there, Hope that He will help me and that His help will be sufficient; and Charity, a gift of love that I must beg and pray and plead for, while allowing my heart to be open to it.

This blog isn't about me prostrating my life in front of everyone, setting up some sort of false ideal to be admired. This blog is about real change, and wanting (and believing) that change can be permanent, in favor of kindness, patience, love, and godliness. This blog is about beating family contention, and patterns of abuse, unkindness, impatience, neglect, and other mistreatments of children that are so often passed from generation to generation. This is me telling the world: I need to change too, and I know it's hard, and I know it seems impossible, because I feel all of those things! I have hope, because I have been there before, and I know I can be there again, with time, patience, and consistent daily effort. I will let you know about the tools that help the most, and the ones that don't. I will let you know how my family reacts, and most of all, all the inspirations that come to me during this process.

I will end with a heartfelt plea. If you are like me, PLEASE don't give up. Please don't give in. You have not failed if you have not lost hope. If you feel anger, resentment, frustration, and pain, you are not alone. If you feel hopeless, afraid, defeated, you are not alone. If you feel defensive, self-righteous, even confused, you are not alone. You are not alone. All of us need help. All of us need a change sometimes, and change begins with me.

Five Criteria for Positive Discipline With Parenting Expert Dr. Jane Nelsen

2010-11-27T22:38:00.001-05:00

"I Need A Hug"

2010-11-27T11:12:00.003-05:00

Dr. Jane Nelsen of positivedescipline.com writes in this article (click on the title for the link) about a soft approach to an out of control child. This particular approach may not work every time, or even more than once. But you and your child will never forget it.

A child is in the middle of a screaming tantrum. Father gets down and shouts, "I need a hug!" Child: "What?!?" Father: "I need a hug!" Child:"Now?!?" Father "Yes!" Child shrugs, "Okay" and hugs his father. The tension melts away, and father says, "Thanks, I needed that." Child says, "So did I." They can then deal with whatever started the tantrum after that, or not. Perhaps that is all that was needed.

The father above has taught his son several things in this moment. Here are just some that I thought of that his son learned:

1. His father loves him no matter what.

2. He, the son, can contribute to helping others, and that helping others also helps himself.

3. When people are upset, try pulling them closer instead of pushing them away. He now knows how that feels.

4. True love heals the hurt caused by anger.

The father above also learned several things in that moment:

1. He learned that he loves his son no matter what.

2. His son has a good heart, even when he's angry. He respects him for it.

3. Pull others close when they are angry, instead of pushing them away.

4. Holding his little boy close and feeling true love heals the hurt caused by anger.

Reading the above article I thought of the first time something like this happened with my daughter. I like remembering these things, because it's the only way I can make sure I don't ever forget!

My daughter was screaming, thrashing, shouting obscenities, and I was at a loss. The overwhelming feeling came over me; 'She is doing this because she doesn't feel loved.' I got down on the floor and shouted over her screams, "Do you think I don't love you?!" She quieted down and stared at me. I said more softly, "Are you really angry because you don't think I love you very much?" She started to cry real tears, pain and deep-felt hurt pouring out of her. I hugged her tightly, and through my own tears I cried to her, "I love you more than anything! You are my baby girl, and you always will be. You changed my life. You are my angel!" We sat on the floor and cried, and I felt her pain. I felt my own pain. I promised myself that things would be different from then on.

I don't know if my daughter remembers that day, but I know I will never forget. It was one of the first turning points for us--when I started realizing that love conquers all, not pain and shame. I pray I will never forget. I pray that I will remember how I felt before and after that moment. I pray that I will remember her face, and the pain that came pouring out of her, so much hurt, all caused by my negative discipline. Maybe I didn't beat my kids (except for spanking,) I didn't hit them with anything, no bruises (besides on their backsides,) but I controlled them (or tried to control them) using fear, intimidation, shame, and apathy. I didn't look ahead, I just tried to get through the moment, hoping that somehow, some way, things would get better. All my discipline was centered on immediate control, not long-term goals. It hurt. It hurt them- it hurt me- it hurt my spouse. It was wrong. It felt wrong. I just didn't know what else to do. Now I do know what else to do. I have given myself permission to use Christ's teachings in my home to teach discipline to my children, and myself. Self-discipline is contagious. The children learn it by watching. They also learn the opposite by watching. Am I ready to be the grown-up and make a choice? Am I ready to learn, for the sake of my family, how to be a true Christian?

The root of the word "discipline" is "disciple". I ought to BE Christ. I am the body of Christ, as are all his disciples, so how would Christ treat my children? If he were in my place, would he spank them? Would he shame them? Would he try to break their will? I can only know the answers as I learn more about Him. Simply remembering Him and how He feels, helps me see things differently. I want to be patient, I want to be kind, I want to show mercy and love. This is the reason for this blog--to make sure I keep remembering.

My Children

2010-11-26T22:50:00.000-05:00

Kaylee 6yrs, Kendon 2yrs, Peter 4yrs

Kirk Martin wrote in a Celebrate Calm newsletter, that when we let go of our anxiety, and calm ourselves down, we will see our children blossom, and their true nature begin to surface.

My children are beautiful. Every day, I watch them become even more so. I see, not myself, but divinity shining from their eyes. I can only watch and wonder how such simple, yet complex beauty is created.

Kaylee is a prodigy at arranging things to make them look pleasing to the eye. This was a year ago. She's even better now.

Kaylee. Powerful. Passionate. Precious. Kaylee learned early in life to hold feelings in. Now she is learning to open up, cry, let her heart be touched. She was hurt the most by the philosophies of the world. She knows deep down, by her own experience in her life, the healing power of Jesus Christ. She and I went through it together. We cried together, we clung to each other during the hard days, we smiled through tears as the healing began, and we promised we would never forget.

She is like a rare flower, that if you try to grasp, will immediately close up and hide. She will shine and sparkle, only if she is left alone. She is capable of hard work. Determination and grit rush to her face as she strengthens her arms, her legs, her stomach. She dances with heart, putting her all into every movement. If she feels she is not perfect, she is hard on herself. In her I see an angel who has taken the form of a human, determined to find her former glory. When she is disobedient, it is usually for that reason. She is trying to find her power, test her own strength, and become her own powerful person.

Her blue eyes sparkle when she laughs. They peer deeply into my soul when she is learning, and cloud over when she is hurt.

Peter

What can I say about my middle child? He is compassionate, loving, and strives to be constantly obedient. He loves the Lord, and often sings His praises. He is very smart. He isn't in a hurry, EVER. He seems to understand that rushing through life causes us to miss important details. Sometimes, he has to remind me. He is very detail oriented. He surprises us as he learns how to draw things on his own, with surprising detail for a 4 year old. We took a walk through an atrium once. He discovered each plant, learned their names, asked questions about them, found a praying mantis, and not only wanted to learn all the details about what it eats and where it lives, but wanted to tell a story about it, guessing at what it might be thinking and feeling. He talked on and on, and drew me into a detailed conversation on the matter. He asks so many questions...why? what? where? when? who? how many? With oh so many follow up questions. His questions are as never-ending as his curiosity. Is it any wonder that his favorite TV show is Go Diego Go!? He loves the learning as much as the excitement. He loves to be read to, and cannot go to sleep without a story. He has a really hard time sleeping. He wakes easily, and lies in bed thinking, drawing, or telling stories to himself for long hours. He can retell a story he's heard only a couple of times, with astonishing detail.

He loves to run, climb, and play, and is currently learning to skip. He couldn't skip at first. So he galloped. But he finally has started to figure it out on his own. He's not especially fast, or coordinated, but not clumsy either. His build is small, and he gets very upset when he can't do things as fast or as well as his sister.

He wants to understand the world. He wants to understand people and their relationships, why Mom and Dad are sometimes inconsistent, why we humans hurt each other, and thinks it's exciting that he loves his sister, even though he sometimes gets mad at her!

He love, love, loves animals of all kinds. This Thanksgiving he said he was thankful for

1. Worms-because they help the Earth.

2. Roly Poly Bugs-because they're good-guy bugs. They don't bite.

3. Butterflies because they help plants grow.

4. Giraffes because they're really tall, and have really long tongues, and eat the leaves of trees.

5. Mom and Dad because they love me.

6. Jesus--He made everything.

Kendon:

Kendon is my baby. He is my child that I followed my instincts with. He is the only one that I have little to no regrets about. I still nurse him occasionally, he's two and a half now. He has never been spanked. He is obedient and loving. He loves his Mama! He loves his Daddy too, and grandparents and nursery teachers, but most of all, his Mama! He mimics everyone but has a will of his own.

He is my right hand. He helps me do laundry, dishes, peck on the computer, (ahem,) cooking, mopping, talking on the phone, he is my shadow, constantly learning, for good or for bad. He talks and talks like an older child. He wants to be exactly like his big brother. He doesn't know he's small. He is very sharp, and is difficult to fool. He is inquisitive like Peter, but in a different way. He asks questions to determine what to expect, to establish certainty in his life.

He is happy and loves to laugh. He runs, falls, and gets up and runs again saying, "I'm okay." He loves to communicate. He sometimes gets upset, because his whole life, his older siblings have dominated all conversation. He now asserts himself, and says, "Kaylee! or Peter! I'm not finished!! Mommy, can I talk now?"

He is starting to want to potty train. He wants to be big like Peter and Kaylee. But when we talk about "No more milks" (nursing) he insists he's still a baby.

Kendon is assertive, more than the other kids were. He is willing to reach out and explore, as long as he knows I am always going to be there when he comes back to me. He is not bothered any more if I leave him with Grandma, because he's figured out that Mommy always comes back. Sometimes he is shy and won't speak to anyone but Mommy, and other times he summons his courage and speaks. Many people are amazed after getting to know us that Kendon can speak almost as well as the other kids. Still, in my heart he is my baby. I am protective of that relationship, and I will not leave him for more than a day. I have such a close connection with him that one day recently I was thinking about something, and he started to say aloud what I was thinking!

Kid Conversation

2010-11-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

Kendon:"Kaylee, do you want this?"
Kaylee (holding hand out): "Yes, thank you."
Kendon(still holding item): "Did you say yes?"
Kaylee: "Yes."
Kendon (holding item just out of reach): "Did you say Yes? or No."
Kaylee: "I said yes."
Kendon: "Did you say No?... or Yes."
Kaylee: "I said Yes."
Kendon (still holding item barely out of Kaylee's reach,) "Did you say Yes?..."
[5 minutes of repetition later...]
Kaylee: "No"
Kendon: "Okay...Did you say No?"
Kaylee (laughing): "Yes"
(Kendon walks away with item in hand.)

Celebrate Calm Stop Defiance Live Event in Fairfax County, VA

2010-11-06T15:16:00.036-04:00

My kids ate WAY too much sugar a few weeks ago. They ran around crazy, screaming, not listening to anything I said, and I started to lose it. I know better, and I know how to do this correctly, but that night, the truth is, I too had eaten WAY too much sugar myself, and I did not feel completely in control of myself. So my husband comes home to find me yelling at the kids to "CALM DOWN! YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!!" (The irony of which they of course picked up on.)

He did not say anything to me right then, he just went in the room, and let me go back and forth from the bedroom where I yelled at him about the kids, to the rest of the house, where I yelled at the kids. He looked at me with pain in his face, but said nothing. I raged even more, because I thought he was no help at all! Had I been thinking clearly, I would have realized that he wanted nothing to do with my anxiety, and neither did my kids.

Finally I realized that my anger was escalating, and I locked the kids in their room to bounce off the walls in there, while I washed the dishes. (Locking them in their room is not a principle of attachment parenting, but neither is yelling. I just needed a few minutes of peace to get control of myself.) So as I did the dishes, my husband comes up behind me, and gently, with a warm smile, starts stroking my back. He says with a smile, "Are we going to become a screaming family now?" We laugh a little. I feel the muscles in my back begin to unwind. Without saying anything else, offers me unspoken words of love in his gentle touch, and I can't hold back a return smile.

His calm was contagious. I immediately felt humility returning to my soul, and remorse begin to set in. He made me feel like the luckiest wife on Earth in that moment.

I think that's how God reprimands us. He lets us feel the difference between what we're choosing, and what He is choosing, and gives us the space to come into His calm if we choose-- to choose love instead of rage-- to chose self-control instead of controlling others. His way is the way of closeness, the way of kindness, the way of self-mastery, and most of all, choice. I chose a different evening, and apologized to my children. I chose love.

I choose love.

Every Girl Deserves a Father

2010-10-14T05:00:00.005-04:00

7 years ago this week, I stood in the hallway of a church in a long, flowing white dress. Its train was carefully jeweled with pearls and tiny roses, each sewn carefully by hand. My blonde hair had been bundled on top of my head, while my ringlets gently kissed the back of my neck as they brushed from side to side. A pearled tiara held in place a veil, which flowed gracefully down my back, tied on each side by ribbon. My hands held the most beautiful flowers I could imagine, white water lilies, nestled in ivy and baby's breath. My bride's maids stood in front of me, their yellow and green shimmering dresses I had carefully chosen.

My father stood by my side. In his shadow, I looked up at this giant's towering frame, wondering if my husband would ever become the man I saw my father become. I felt secure with my father's arm in mine. I knew I was loved, and always would be, by this man I still called, "Daddy." Then it hit me.

I was walking into the unknown, about to be bound to a man I barely knew! I forgot the two years I had spent learning to love with Kevin, and suddenly I felt as though I were at the precipice of a cliff. My heart began to race, panic set in, and I started to uncontrollably cry. This was moments before I was to enter the chapel. It was all wrong! I was supposed to marry in the Temple, not a church. I was supposed to marry a dancer who loved poetry! Kevin hated poetry! He worked with his hands, not his feet! Worst of all, I had seen Kevin get angry, and I didn't like what I saw. I had seen myself get angry, and I knew he wouldn't like what he would see. I turned to look at my father, pleading silently, what should I do?

My dad looked through my fear to my heart, and smiled warmly. He kissed my head, and said gently, "I know. It's okay. You're doing the right thing." He placed his enormous hand on the small of my back, and led me into the room of the church. We walked an eternity, the 300 or so pairs of eyes were all warm and loving to me. I hung subtly to Daddy's arm, a rock, firmly lifting my own. Each step toward the front of the church calmed a few more of my fears. I was walking into a warm embrace. I looked only briefly at my mother, I was afraid she would make me cry. But I could feel my parents smiling at me. I could feel their love and support. I knew that no matter what, they would help me in this next phase of my life. When my father let go, the thought occurred to me, "I could run now, and no one would stop me." But I stayed, because as I looked into the kind eyes of my soon-to-be husband, I could feel my father's confidence, and I knew that I could love, because first, I was loved.

Reflections of Motherhood

2010-10-13T17:01:00.001-04:00

Seeing the Children With Our Own 'I's'

2010-10-06T08:09:00.002-04:00

Some time ago, I wrote about my feelings of Attachment Parenting. "Let me be clear," I had said, "I am not a fan of Attachment Parenting." I wrote that I tried it with my oldest child, it was a disaster, and I would not wish to make the same mistake again. I truly felt like I had learned something, and I did not wish to revisit it.

To be completely honest, however, I hadn't actually looked into the program myself, only heard about it from others. I based my practice of the program on conversations I had, some for and some against the practice. I practiced only a watered down version of the program, trying to apply only the outward appearances of it without actually getting to the deeper roots of the beliefs. I don't believe it was laziness, it was more about anxiety. I had so much information coming in from so many sources, it was overwhelming! I think many new parents have been there.

With parenting magazines, books, chat rooms, blogs, and random advice from family, and hundreds of friends and strangers lolling about my head, how could I find space to utilize the most important parenting tools I owned --my 'I's?

Inspiration, Intuition and Instinct.

Where did I go wrong??

1 Kings 19: 11 And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:

12 And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.

13 And it was so, when Elijah heard it...

I laugh now (and sometimes shudder) at the things I used to say about raising kids--talking about them as though they were horses or dogs and just as trainable. Books like Back In Control, authors like Dr. Spock, and most parenting magazine articles, all approach kids as though they were a different species. We begin to separate ourselves from our children as we follow these kinds of trends. Our natural love for them begins to take a back burner, along with the God-given inspiration and intuition we desperately need, as a subtle wish for perfection, control, pleasing others, and for parenting to be EASY take over.

It doesn't happen all at once, but gradually and steadily, the need for order begins to trump the need to connect with the children. Parenting books and magazines, most of them, are constant, unchanging and predictable, unlike our children. So for the anxious new parent, they are particularly tantalizing.

As our children challenge us more, we cling to these philosophies of control and forced obedience more. We keep looking for EASY. We keep wondering when our children will be perfectly behaved like so-n-so's kids. We wet our pillows and wonder why this isn't working the way it promised to. If we are convinced enough, we will begin to blame the children for these teachings of the world not working. "If she weren't so strong-willed!" “Why won't the kids just listen??”

“To thine own self be true...”

I remember telling my husband early on that I didn't think it was right to let a child cry themselves to sleep. I said, “It seems cruel, and I can see that causing insecurity, not confidence.” But parenting books, mommy chat rooms, and well meaning family and friends told me the opposite. Eventually, because I couldn't control my toddler, and more importantly, my own anxiety, I became convinced that my first instinct was wrong.

Naturally my husband was confused when I changed tunes, and told him we now had to follow the trend of C.I.O. (Cry It Out.) “This way of 'Sleep Training,'” I told him, “will teach the children to comfort themselves. They have to learn that they are okay even if we're not with them.” I was informed that my daughter who clung to me did so because she was “insecure.” I was now conviced that confidence was just around the corner for our little one as long as we didn't 'give in.'

Just an insert: ARE your little children okay if not supervised by a loving adult?? Is a 2-yr-old ready to be left on their own? Why should they NEED to learn something that is absolutely not true??

Second: is that actually what they learn as they cry alone in the dark? How can you control what conclusions their little minds will draw? Is it not just as possible that the child will instead draw the conclusion that he or she is not loved, is not valued, is not safe from abandonment, or an infinite number of other possibilities?

(YES, I did go in and check on them, and tell them I was still here, they were safe, yadda yadda yadda. It is not about me not following the program correctly. I still walked away from them as they cried, and they still reached for me as I pulled myself away from them, and went to the hallway and wept—creating unnatural physical and emotional barriers between us.)

As my children grew, my daughter with whom I first followed a watered down version of attachment parenting, then turned around completely and followed C.I.O the most rigidly, was the most insecure. She was afraid to try things, she hid behind my legs constantly, she was afraid of strangers, she had no confidence in her abilities at all. I thought that if she didn't cry when I left her, that was confidence. That's what I was told. She stopped crying when I left her, and I swelled with temporary pride. Now we were free to go out and leave her with a sitter, plop her in her bed and walk away... AHH. Life was so EASY! We had a short period of time, about a year and a half, when we thought we were the BEST PARENTS EVER! Our child was submissive and broken. See? She'll do anything we make her do!

But it wasn't confidence that she had learned, it was hopelessness. She had done everything in her power to re-attach, and was pushed away at every turn. Eventually she just gave up. When I was really frank with myself, I could see that her resting self, as in when she wasn't being entertained, cheered, or distracted, was sad and mellow.

Kaylee was 19 months old when my second child was born. By then she had been broken. I followed my first instincts once again with my newborn baby. Once again, I felt I should keep my baby close, breastfeed, and let him sleep in our room. He was next to our bed in his crib, with it pushed all the way up to the bed and the side let down. I wanted quick access to him, and to be able to hear him breathe all night. This continued with him for over a year.

Meanwhile, I was doing the opposite with my daughter as I tried to force this toddler to grow up, and not NEED me anymore. I was completely conflicted.

Kaylee's rage started manifesting about a year later. She began fighting us in other ways she COULD control. Suddenly eating was a battle, potty-training was a nightmare, getting dressed, shopping, and any other aspect of life where I needed her cooperation. Now it was WE who were frightened! Who was this child that had once been so mellow?? Where was all this anger coming from?? I wasn't ready to look at what I had done, so I just started losing it all:

I lost my temper. I lost my composure. I lost my self respect and self control. Worst of all, I lost the confidence of my little children.

I KNEW something was wrong. But I didn't know what! What had I done wrong? The whole world couldn't be wrong about parenting, I thought. So many sources agreed! I decided it must have been that first instinct to attach that had been wrong. I began to gradually push my son away as well, so he wouldn't be as “insecure” as my daughter was. I had lost my confidence in my own instincts completely. Naturally my son began to express and harbor hurt and rage as well.

My greatest moment as a mom was when I threw out the books and magazines. My family took a sharp turn for the better when I emptied my mind of everything I thought I knew, and EVERYTHING I had been told, and listened FIRST to the still small voice. THEN that voice directed me to the information I needed to validate and expound on what I already felt was right.

A wise source will inspire you to follow your own intuition on behalf of your children, and most of all, seek out personal inspiration. I have since found several tools to help me in my path that help my I's grow stronger, not weaker. (Celebrate Calm, Attachment Parenting -the real version-, Scream-Free Parenting by Hal Runkel, Take Your Time by Easwaran, to name just a few. Not to mention scriptures, prayer, church, The Ensign, church websites and talks, and so many other religious sources that offer peace, assurance, and guidance.)

I continue to have struggles with my kids, because of course, we're not perfect. There are many days I get discouraged, but never, ever do I feel confused. I do not say any more, “I just don't know what else to do!”

I am not yanked around by every new parenting trend I hear about. My kids are not subjected to Super Nanny, “Let's fix the kids” or other quick-fix attempts at changing their outward behavior. We know where we're going, and how we're getting there. Even the children are invested and know about our parenting goals, because they are not parenting, but family goals. We have personal boundaries that guide us—that have become the cushioned boarders of our family life--that keep us on a narrow path. We no longer wander from one experimentation to another as our kids take on the role of the lab rats.

Now, if I do experiment, I make myself the lab rat. But I do not do anything unless the still small voice tells me it is good.

I was once told by the Lord in a blessing, “Follow no advice, not even that of your parents, if the Holy Spirit does not prompt you to do so.” I ignored that admonition when my anxiety took over. When my anxiety was under control, and I was back in the driver's seat, I could finally listen to that most wise counsel.

In order for me to truly change directions--to take that first step of letting go of what I thought I had leaned about parenting, I had to turn to my God. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I needed help. I knew that I was on a path I didn't like. The Lord let me know that I was leaning on my own understanding completely, and was making a mess of my family because of it. His spirit led me to see things through HIS eyes. It was really hard at first, I must have cried for weeks on end, ashamed, embarrassed, and humbled. But gradually, it became easier to humble myself and let go of my need for power and control, and finally let HIM be my navigator!

It didn't change all at once! That's not how real change works. But now looking back, I can see how far the Lord has brought us. I praise and give thanks to Him over and over again. I write this, hoping that someone somewhere will read it, and not make the same mistakes I did. Make your own mistakes, not mine, (as my mother often says!)

Adendum: What I un-learned , learned, and re-learned by watching my third child:

Real confidence in a child is not manifested by not crying when you walk away. If they are not crying when you walk away, it does not mean they are confident. Shyness does not equal insecurity. A need to connect and remain connected to parents does not signal insecurity. A desire for comfort and consistent affection from parents is not insecurity.

Confidence is:

knowing that no matter what happens, you are loved

knowing it's okay to try and fail, and try again

knowing where to turn and receive comfort when you are afraid, lonely, hurting, or sad

knowing you are safe

knowing that some GOOD things in your life are certain and unchanging

Confidence is manifested when:

A child is willing to try, fail, and try again.

A child is able to progress by teaching themselves as well as learning from others.

A child's resting self, (when not stimulated, entertained, or distracted,) is joyful.

A child knows how to express and receive love, first with family members, then others gradually.

A child uses the above knowledge to propel themselves ahead in their development

A child can be flexible and adapt whithout being broken

A child trusts you and believes you will keep your promises

Confidence is gained by:

Creating an environment that teaches the above, with consistent patience and love

Abolishing anxiety and fear

Trusting and believing the Lord every minute of every day

Don the Gas Masks People, I'm Cleaning out the Fridge!

2010-09-10T19:36:00.000-04:00

One time my sister told me she discovered she had been inadvertently holding her breath every time she walked by the kids' bathroom. I laughed heartily, and thought, hmmmm, I'll have to watch out for that one. So imagine my chagrin when I realized that I had been inadvertently holding my breath every time I opened the fridge.

To be honest, I discovered this a couple days ago. But when the odor began to hang on, even after I'd closed the fridge and started breathing once more, I surrendered, and started cleaning the fridge. Yes, I know, the town of Floyd is thankful that the vultures are no longer circling.

While cleaning the fridge, I ponder on the number of uneaten leftovers, and wonder why I bother sealing up the uneaten food, knowing most of it will never get eaten. Then I look at the sheer volume of leftovers, and wonder why I bother cooking at all.

Leftover coleslaw. Does anybody eat this stuff? I love me some fresh slaw, but only eat it at potluck dinners. Making--a.k.a. spooning it into a dish--and eating it at home just seems, nasty, and a little depressing.

I encounter my spaghetti sauce that I had felt so smug for adding to the Prego: parsley, basil, rosemary, and meat fried with the same plus a fist-full of savory and other random Italian seasonings. What resulted was a mess of flavors we had to choke down after chewing as little as possible. I still remember my kids' poor faces when they encountered the long sprigs of rosemary. Why did I save it? Well, because my mother is apparently trapped in my mind.

This would be the same reason I saved a large pot of inedible potatoes salted far beyond perfection. The mother in my mind said, "Those were expensive potatoes! You can't throw them out!" So I froze them until I had satisfied the voice in my head, then secretly sneaked into the kitchen one night when she must have been sleeping in a far nook of my encephalon, closed my eyes, and tossed the offensive spuds. Where they went, I may never know.

Today as I continued rifling through the fridge, smelling potential suspects, I discovered that I had apparently created a crude sort of beer with a jar of barley water that had been sitting in the door of the fridge since last summer. Interesting to note, it's not hard at all to make nasty smelling, fermented beverages that no one would ever want to drink! Just ask the tomato plant that got to be the recipient of the stuff, another experiment to see if I can rid the area of some bothersome beetles and caterpillars eating my tomato leaves. It may instead rid the area of some green bulbs that wanted to grow up to be red juicy fruits that could have gotten shoved into the back of the same fridge some day. Only time will tell.

I end my project when the sink is full of empty containers. The fridge may not be finished, but a full sink is the maximum of my dish-doing ambitions, a.k.a. the most my dishwasher will hold. This tidbit of information tells you just how large my sink is, which is big enough that I was able to bathe in it one day when the water filter was stopped up, a story for another day. It also tells you about the even larger number of leftover Gladware containers cluttering up my cold storage.

In the end, I have to bag up my trash and take it out to our deck box, where we keep our bags of trash until we can drive them to the dumpsters. We of course don't have curb-side pick-up like those fancy city-folk in Bent Mountain.

The deck box is the third and hopefully final solution to our trash dilemma. I used to set our bags in the garage, and Kevin would take them out each morning on the way to work. But that attracted mice, and it was a bother to walk all the way downstairs. So then we bought a large outdoor trash can which the wind and dogs laughed at as they knocked it over and spread the contents amongst themselves. Finally, a deck box screwed down to a utility trailer parked behind the house was Kevin's final idea. This one seems to work, as long as we reflexively hold our breaths each time we walk by it. Some skills just come naturally.

Part of the reason the trash is so stinky, and cleaning out the fridge is so dreaded, is because I don't have a garbage disposal. I have felt very sorry for myself for the past year, and often gripe and complain about this fact to anyone who will listen. My husband refuses to install one, for several reasons I think are flimsy at best.

When I self-righteously whine about this to my friends here, most of them stare blankly, with a slight twitch of their mouths that seems to say, "I lived without electricity or running water for 3 years in the early 90's. I think you'll survive."

And so I do survive, but often I wonder if not having this little amenity is just giving me really good practice in holding my breath every time I open the lid to the kitchen trash.

Education

2010-08-21T00:21:00.000-04:00

I can now say honestly that I am a homeschool mom. I have a real curriculum that I use to teach my children. I stray from it daily, but I do use it as a guide. I have goals, which will also have to be flexible, as unexpected issues come up.

Kaylee, my dear little 6 year old isn't very into reading yet. She reads very little--only 7 or so words. She knows the alphabet song, but the visual letters allude her. I teach her, she learns, and then forgets. Over and over, the cycle is repeated. When I prayed about what I should do with her this year, I got the unmistakable answer that I should homeschool her. I am glad she is not in a setting where she is compared to other kids.

That said, I can see that my lofty goals for this year may have to be taken down a few notches. Yesterday I found myself fighting back tears and getting short with the kids as I fought my own feelings of inadequacy. We moms blame ourselves when we see our kids struggling. It's silly and illogical, and harmful in the long run. So I have had to take this to the Lord in prayer, and ask Him to give me peace and confidence in this calling He gave me.

I have a lot to teach, but most of all, a lot to learn. Patience seems to be the key, which I have yet to master. I have to learn to see the world through their eyes. I can't just do whatever worked for me. I have to actually KNOW my kids.

I thought I was intuitive. I thought I was attentive. I thought I knew my kids from the inside out. I spend almost every waking minute with them. How could I not know them?

Yet just today I have had to be honest with myself. Do I really SEE them? Or do I just see my own anxieties, hopes, dreams, and pride? When my husband lovingly said me this evening that my daughter may not be the English whiz that her mother was, or even want to be, it opened up a new concept to me. He pointed out that she could be more wired to excel at math, or science, or something other than my passion. (I had not even considered that my daughter would be different from me.)

He also shared with me that he developed a keen visualization talent by listening to stories as a child who couldn't read. As a result, he is an excellent map reader, direction finder, and truck driver who can drive, park and back up trucks easily, as he can visualize the dimensions of the vehicle he's in. (As opposed to me, who read easily as a child, yet couldn't find my way out of a paper bag, and can barely stay between the lines of the road.)

I learned today that all of us have our own path in life, and there is a reason for it. My way may not be the best way for someone else. So tonight I pray for patience, peace, and understanding, that I may guide without pushing, and lead without anxiety. My children's education is my responsibility, not their happiness. That is entirely up to them.

Response-Ability

2010-08-18T01:41:00.001-04:00

An ear can break a human heart

As quickly as a spear,

We wish the ear had not a heart

So dangerously near.

-Emily Dickinson

Tonight I wanted to say a family prayer, read some scriptures with the kids, and tuck them into their beds. In my naivety, I usually imagine they want that too, because they want a perfect, happy existence as I do, right? But often, like tonight, they don't want to think about the greater good or how stopping what they're doing in order to study and pray will help them learn self-control and greater joy in the long-run. Sometimes they're hyped up on sugar, or their minds are running too fast, and they want and need to work off their energy both mental and physical. Those are often the times when I find myself the most tired, and aching for some closure on the day's work.

"It's time for prayer, then we can read a story and go to bed."

"But we want to read a story now."

"No, we pray first. It's on our list. Prayer, then a story."

(Kids continue to walk around, looking for books to look at. I start to lose my composure, and I become impatient as my fatigue sets in. Kendon wants to nurse, and I just want to pray.)

So I try a little louder,

"Come ON...PRAYER TIME. Who's ready? I'm counting to 5 and then you lose your story if you aren't ready for prayer; 1...2...3...4...5... Are you ready? Okay I'll give you one more try, and then I'm out of here."

(Kids come and kneel down. I begin to offer a heartfelt prayer. In the middle of it, the kids get up again, and look for books. As the last straw has fallen, I get up and storm out of the room, saying nothing but, "I'm done.")

Privately, in my room, I begin the work of quenching the inner fire. I must not allow a prayer to become a battle of wills. I must not allow my children to determine my level of spirituality. I'm tired, I'm worn, I've nothing left but a silent prayer for myself, by myself.

I lie down, nurse the baby, and begin to sing a lullaby, soothing my own chi and his. He stares up at me with his big blue eyes, trusting me, depending on me, and I feel my strength of will begin to swell, and the frustration begin to fade. I let the kids be kids, I let them be hyper a little longer, I enjoy this moment with my baby, and promise myself I will deal with the kids when I'm ready, and not before.

Later, much later, when the babe is quietly resting in his crib by my bed, I am able to deal calmly with the kids, and get them off to bed. They will not stay put. I give warnings that aren't heeded, the finally lock them in their room for 5 minutes. This is done without drama, simply consequences stemming from choices. Then I give hugs and kisses, assuring them it's in their best interests to sleep. My daughter is crying, and I smooth her hair as I tell her that I love her, and suggest to her she take the time to pray now, but I won't force it. I leave the door open as I exit. They fall asleep within minutes. This is the picture of an imperfect family, struggling to find our way as we go.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

During a trip to the Temple one month, I browsed the used book section of the church bookstore. I found a book entitled The Soft Reply, Ideas for Christlike Communication by Barlow L. Packer. I fanned through the pages, and saw that a previous owner had marked key passages, and left notes in the margins, which I love, when those are meaningful to me also. I was giddy. Something told me that this would become a very important book to me. I could hardly wait to get home and read it. It is rare, but occasionally, a book can truly change my perspective and actually help me alter myself for the better. There are a precious few books that I can say have done this for me apart from the scriptures. This is one of them.

pg. 19 [Quote by Theodore M. Burton Ensign November 1974, p.56] "Whenever you get red in the face, whenever you raise your voice, whenever you get "hot under the collar," or angry...know that the Spirit of God is leaving you and the spirit of Satan is beginning to take over. At times we may feel justified in arguing or fighting... Do not be deceived... You can recognize the Spirit of Christ within you when you speak to another or speak of another person with warm smiles instead of with a frown or scowl."

Try dissecting the above quote. Read it slowly again and again. Pay attention to each word. I like to stress the phrase, "warm smiles." He is not speaking of just any kind of smile. Not self-righteous, or triumphant smiles, not forced, hypocritical smiles--but "warm smiles." We can feel the difference, and so can anyone who sees them.

pg. 40 "Satan constantly seeks opportunities "to fan into a flame the slightest spark of discontent.1"

I learned something I had never considered before:

pg.41 "Talking out an emotion doesn't reduce it, it rehearses it." (Quoting Carol Tavris of Psychology Today)

We are told in American society that anger must be released, or it will harm our psyches. We are told that we must vent it out, or it will fester and boil within us. We're told that if we don't tell someone, either the offender or another person, that it will stay inside us permanently. Many of us can think of angry people who hold on to old wounds, and we mistakenly think that this is because they have not discussed it enough, or expressed this discontent in some way that they are unable to let it go. But prophets and scriptures tell us a different truth. The "vent your anger" lie is one of the most destructive lies that hurts humanity so many different ways. Children, Adults, and Infirm alike, all are scarred by the fire or others' ire.

Packer quotes President Brigham Young on p.41 when asked, "Had I not better let it out than to keep it rankling within me?": Young replies, "No, I will keep bad feelings under and actually smother them to death, then they are gone...This is what I call resisting the devil, and he flees from me. I strive to not speak evil, to not feel evil, and if I do, to keep it to myself until it is gone from me, and not let it pass my lips."

President Young is quoted again as saying, "If you are tried and tempted and buffeted by Satan, keep your thoughts to yourselves--keep your mouths closed...If we have light or intelligence...we will impart it; but our bad feelings we will keep to ourselves."

Satan models the temper tantrum perfectly in the book of Moses 1:19, 21, 22. He shows us the perfect example of venting anger, something Christ never practiced. "And Satan commanded saying I am the Only Begotten, Worship Me...And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook...And...Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth..."

Hold this image up to the mirror. This is Satan's way. God's way is much different.

pg. 86 "In many situations a soft reply will require you to relinquish your need to defend, or convince others of you point of view. It is so easy to lash back, but...the Savior "answered them not," and did not call down the angels of heaven to destroy His abusers...He had the power to overcome them all, but His unwavering commitment to the Atonement and the love it would demonstrate to all mankind was superior to any fleeting gratification, such as we ourselves might have enjoyed from taking a moment to "clean house" on our accusers to preserve our ego. In the long term, it is always easier to love. It always takes more effort to clean up after a spiteful relapse."

Let me repeat that next-to-last line for emphasis. "In the long term, it is always easier to love."

Brigham Young, who overcame this very weakness with which I struggle, was quoted on p. 40 giving the advice I took this evening. "I will say, there is not a man in this house who has a more indomitable and unyielding temper than myself. But there is not a man in the world who cannot overcome his passion, if he will struggle earnestly to do so. If you find passion coming on you, go off to some place where you cannot be heard;...struggle till it leaves you; and pray for strength to overcome."

Packer explains so eloquently that it is actually taking the easiest, most effortless path to simply control ourselves rather than contend. He quotes Deepak Chopra on p.86, "When you feel frustrated or upset by a person or a situation, remember that you are not reacting to the person or situation, but to your feelings about the person or situation. These are your feelings, and your feelings are not someone else's fault. When you recognize and understand this completely, you are ready to take responsibility for how you feel and to change it...Responsibility...means the ability to have a creative response to the situation."

There are many examples of this in the scriptures, such as the Savior's response to the woman taken in adultery. Packer sites (pp. 90-92) the dramatic story of Christ sleeping in the bottom of his disciples' fishing boat when a fierce storm threatens to sink them. He is roused by his disciples, and upon his awakening, he commands the winds and the waves, "Peace, be still."

Each of us has a secret weapon against the storms that enter us when we feel our temperature rising, and our thoughts begin to turn fierce. Sleeping in the bottom of our souls, is The Son of God, and when we awaken Him, he will rise up and say to our mind and body, "Peace, be still." As we surrender our own desires and adopt the way of Christ, we will feel the power of refusing to surrender to Satan's way, and instead surrender our weakness to Christ. While Satan laughs at our weakness and relishes each scar we leave behind, Christ rewards our surrender to Him with peace, confidence, and added strength for our next trial. I testify that this is true, and is possible for me, and you.

A Family Pulling Together

2010-08-01T23:37:00.001-04:00

Sunday, a day we usually get up, rush around, leave separately for church, arrive late, and do our best to partake in the Spirit there, which eventually fulfills us and gives us a good boost to get through the coming week. But today was different.

This morning I got up at 6am. I prayed, and fell into daydreaming during my prayer. 10 minutes later, started over. I was giving a lesson to the Relief Society women today, something I'd yet to do on a Sunday. After I showered and dressed, Kevin came in, and we got to talk a little before the kids woke up. He was also giving a lesson today for the young men, something he'd never done as well. We both got ready, and then he spent 20 minutes giving his lesson to me, and listening to any suggestions or input I might have. Then I quickly got the kids dressed, he made breakfast, and we all piled in the car. In the car, Kevin called together a family prayer, and I said the prayer before we drove away. We got to church 5 minutes early. Kevin got to use his priesthood to bless the sacrament during the meeting, and I was able to bear my testimony, as it was fast and testimony Sunday. I told of how thankful I was for a husband who loved kids and me so much, and was worthy to lead our home in righteousness.

Both of our lessons went okay. Nothing to brag about or that will be remembered for years to come, but we were happy that we fulfilled our responsibilities anyway. We were blessed.

The kids were well behaved all day. We cooked all our food at home. We were happy and patient with one another. We had no fights, no complaints, no whining, and no tension. We cleaned together a little, did a little laundry, watched some good shows, laughed a little, and hugged a lot.

Kevin said our family prayer tonight. Even though the kids were climbing on his back at the time, I felt the spirit of his prayer, and felt the Lord's love in our home. He, The Lord, was helping us, and pleased with us today.

Living and loving the Gospel as a family just feels so good. I keep saying, "today" because of course, not every day is so peaceful here. But we "celebrate progress, not perfection." I give thanks to the Lord today for the Gospel that gives me a greater love for my husband and children, and Jesus Christ, who helps us improve every day.

"The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children might be happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood."
President Boyd K. Packer, May 2010 Ensign, "The Power of the Priesthood" p.7

Clean Home, Clean Hearts

2010-07-29T06:52:00.001-04:00

I am sitting in a clean house. I am aware that the tub is clean, the toilets are clean, the counters and kitchen table are all cleared and clean. I have been reading scriptures and preparing for a Relief Society lesson since 5am, and now an hour and a half later, my cup runneth over. I have so much to be thankful for, and the Lord is helping us in so many ways, to be happier, to have more energy, to be cleaner, and to love each other more deeply. I wouldn't trade my family for any family in the world right now.

Last night, Kevin had a lot of office work to do, and I dutifully left him alone. As I was sweeping for the umpteenth time that day, I heard, "RAAAAAARRR" from my husband, and "IIIEEEEE" from Peter. Then uproarious laughter from both parties. They excitedly talked, and connected for just a moment, before Kevin got back to work. It was something small, but I know meant so much to Peter.

Kaylee or Peter, (I can't remember which--give me a break, I'm a mom) said to me the other day, "I love my daddy. He's a really good daddy. I want you to always love my daddy, okay?"

The greatest gift I can give my children is to love their father with all my heart. Because of Jesus Christ--because of the Gospel which helps us grow and qualify for the happiest of blessings--the scriptures which offer personal growth and understanding--because it is not on my husband that I lean, but my Lord, as I walk uprightly beside my husband, and he does the same---I do love my children's father with all my heart, and today, hold nothing back. This is the greatest joy any mortal can experience.

Alma 27:17-18

17 Now the ^ajoy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the ^bexhausting of his strength; and he fell ^cagain to the earth.

18 Now was not this ^aexceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of ^bhappiness.

At The Nursing Home

2010-07-27T23:50:00.001-04:00

About a month ago I adopted a grandmother at a local nursing home. She was the most despised resident in her wing. I don't know why God put a love for her in my heart, but he did, and I suppose it was for a reason. We've watched her steadily improve in several ways. Each time we visit her, her stories are less gruesome and filled with self-pity. Each time, we see her, a tiny glimmer of light shines in her face, and she is more willing to cooperate, and no longer believes that all people are mean and cruel. She isn't always in her right mind, but she always loves to see me and the kids, and she always knows when Monday rolls around, that we'll be coming back again.

So far, I have dragged the kids with me. They put up with the visit, as they hid behind my legs. Kaylee refused to go a couple of times because the smell offended her. But Peter came, and started not to hide quite so much.

This last Monday, we got there around 3:00 in the afternoon, because at our regular time, 9:30am, she was always sleeping. So we went when she would be more alert. Before entering, we prayed that we would have His light to shine with us, that we may be a good influence, and help her and all the residents know that God loves them, and has not forgotten them. AG (Adopted Grandma) was so happy to see us, she cried. She was afraid we weren't coming, and had been hollering, and carrying on all day. (I had tried to call, but couldn't get through.) So I explained we'd start coming in the afternoon, when she was awake.

She begged me for some beans. She wanted to snap them, put them in a pot with a piece of meat, and so on. It sounded like a reasonable request, but of course, she was in a nursing home, and had no kitchen. I said I could bring her some green beans to eat, but later remembered they won't allow home-cooked food to be brought into the nursing home. But that's not what she wanted anyway. She said, "just let me do something, so I can say I had a hand in it." I thought about this, and I thought about just saying no, explaining she couldn't do it in a nursing home. But instead, I started to think about how I could help her make this wish come true, at least in part.

The kids and I went to the store and bought some fresh green beans. Then we stopped by the house. Peter ran to the toys, and started stuffing some in a pouch. I grabbed some old Easter baskets we didn't need anymore, and we went back to the nursing home. I asked and was granted permission to snap beans with AG. We sat at a table in the common room, with dozens of envious eyes watching us. We snapped beans with AG, whose hands are much too arthritic to do the work, and I told her that she was welcome to share these with her friends. Many of the residents could do some snapping, as not all of them were as arthritic. AG could see immediately that she wouldn't be able to fix any beans, but she just beamed that I'd made an effort for her. As we were snapping beans, talking about her family and so on, Peter opened his pouch, and presented three toys to AG, who picked them up and put them in one of the Easter baskets. She admired the toys over and over, and said what a fine boy that was.

Peter beamed, and said with a smile, "These are for you to keep!" He came to me, and said, "Mom, she can keep those toys!" AG loved it! After a little while, I explained that I'd promised to take the kids swimming, so I'd better be on my way. She was so sweet, and said, "Well, I always say, do what you say you gonna do, otherwise, don't say it!" She kept asking if these things belonged to her. I assured her, yes. As we were waiting to be let out, I was thrilled to see a crowd gather around her, as other residents admired her gifts. For once, instead of being despised, AG was admired and envied.

Peter

2010-07-23T14:38:00.000-04:00

Peter likes to be called "Peter" not "Petey" or "P" or "Pete" or any other variation of his name. He loves his name, but he allows for a few nic-names. "Mommy, it's okay if Daddy calls me 'Buddy.' It's okay if you call me 'Buddy' too."

Nic-names are interesting to him. He told me one day, "Mom, Jesus says it's okay if I call Him 'Father.' It's okay if He calls me 'son.' "

Messy

2010-07-23T14:01:00.001-04:00

Yesterday my husband told me, "I think you're a really good mother to our kids. I think they are angels, and I couldn't ask them to be better behaved. I really appreciate all you do to try to stay calm, and teach them how to be calm."

I have a confession. I messed up the other day. I had had a really long day. You other moms know how it is. There we were, driving down the interstate, and Ken was screaming, because Peter had his hands on Ken's seat, and in spite of my repeated instructions, refused to let go. I pulled over, intending to work it out, and as I repeated for the thousand and thirty first time, "Peter, put your haNDS In YOUR LAP NOWWW!!" I felt myself lose all composure, anger just shot out the top of my head as Peter, who was gripping Kendon's seat even harder, stared petrified. "NOW! NOW! NOWWWWW!!!!!" I grabbed Peter's white-knuckle hands and forced them into his lap.

Kendon started imitating me immediately with his own screams. Kaylee said, "Mommy screamed like a little kid." Peter wailed. I obviously lost some respect from all my kids in my moment of weakness.

So how does a family come back from that? I will tell you what I would have done in the past. I would have beaten myself up inside, and lost all hope of our family improving. I would have internally projected years down the road, imagining that I would never be able to overcome this yelling habit. I would be defensive outwardly, while inwardly churning in knots. I would have sought out validation by telling the story to others, often in front of the kids, making my kids out to be the bad guys. (You know you've done it.)

Instead, this is how it went. I was mad. Really mad. I told the kids
"I'm sorry. I just snapped and lost my power. I'm sorry Peter. It's my job to set a good example for you, not show you how to throw a tantrum."

Still, I was mad, and it took a little while to calm down. What was it inside that had been building up to that outburst? I had been wasting energy worrying about things I couldn't control. I was not taking care of my own emotional needs, so that I was needy. I NEEDED my kids to behave so I could be at peace. I NEEDED my kids to be happy so I could be happy. I NEEDED them to behave a certain way, because I was not okay inside. So that's where my work began.

I set about trying to humble myself. I apologized to my Heavenly Father. I told Him that I needed help, and couldn't do this without Him. I apologized for forgetting to read scriptures that morning, because things like this don't usually happen when I do. I asked the Lord to help me feel anguish for my sin, and help me to repent.

I took some deep Yoga breaths, I counted to 10, prayed, cried, and sang my heart out to country music. Meanwhile, my kids were talking in the back, trying to figure out how to be the adults, since Mom apparently couldn't handle that responsibility at the moment. My daughter was becoming very bossy, attempting to take over my role, understandably. I could have lost heart. I could have given up and said, "Calm is for perfect families, and we're just not that kind of family." But I didn't think that for even a moment.

Honesty is always the best policy, and is easy with kids after a little practice. I told them I was embarrassed that I lost my temper, and I wanted to be a better example for them. I told them I loved them and I was trying to stop feeling angry, and asked for their patience while I tried to calm myself down. The more honest and heartfelt I was, the more I could see myself rise in their estimation. I felt a warm glow begin to surround me. I felt peace begin to return.

The rest of the day I was confident, and had complete faith in my Savior, that He was helping us. There were no more incidents that day. Each time I was tempted after that, I leaned on the Lord, and He helped me pass each test.

The next morning was Sunday morning. Peter didn't want to go to church.
   "It's too long." He said.
This is when it took all my tools to honestly control my anxiety. I intentionally didn't project or predict future inactivity. Instead I smiled. I sat down next to him, and put my feet up. I said,
   "You know, sometimes I feel that way too. Did you know that? Sometimes I don't feel like going to church. Do you want to know why I go?"
   No reply.
   "Can you think about it for a minute? Why do you think I would go to church, even when I don't feel like it?" Peter answered,
   "You go to church to feel Jesus in your heart. But I don't want to go to church. It's too long."
I stopped and thought for a minute. What was he really feeling inside?
   "Remember how you felt yesterday when I screamed at you?" He looked down at the ground.
   "How did you feel inside when I did that?" He said nothing, but I could see the shadow of the memory pass over his face as he stared more intently at the floor. My heart swelled, and I trusted in my Savior.
   "Did you feel angry, hurt, and sad?" He nodded.
   "I felt that way too, Peter. Did you know, that when we go to church, we can feel the Holy Ghost, and through the Holy Ghost, Jesus can reach all the way down inside of you, and take all that hurt, all that anger, all those sad feelings and pull them out--and put in happiness, love, and peace instead? Do you want Him to do that for you today?" Peter nodded.
   "Heavenly Father loves us so much. Do you think he would ever get mad and yell at you like Mommy did yesterday?" Peter thought about it, and said,
   "No, Heavenly Father doesn't get angry and yell."
   "I really need Him today to teach me again not to yell. I need Him to help me remember how to be a happy mom. Would you like Jesus to teach me that today?"

I looked up to see Kevin smiling down at us from the door. I smiled back at him, feeling only love and warmth. Peter hugged me and said,
   "I love you, Mommy."
   "I love you too, Peter."
   "Mommy, we better get my church clothes on! Can I wear my tie today?"
Ideally, the above conversation would have been long before time to leave, and we would have had plenty of time to get to church early. But it happened to be just as we should have been walking out the door. We got to church 30 minutes late, but when we got there, we were humble, ready to learn, and relaxed, as opposed to hurried, anxious, and irritated.

After church, Peter asked me,
   "Mommy, are you a better mommy now? Did Jesus take the bad feelings out?" I answered,
   "Yes! He sure did. I feel so much love in my heart, I can't even remember the angry feelings!" And it was true.
   "How about you? Did Jesus take the bad feelings out for you too?"
   "MmHmm. I'm happy Mommy. I love you so much. You're a very good Mommy."
   "Thank you Peter, that made my whole day even better! I love you with all my heart, and I'm so sorry I was a mean to you yesterday." It reads like an after-school special, but it is true.

Sometimes it's the messy moments, when we think that someone else should probably be doing this job; when we doubt whether or not we really have it in us, and everyone is staring at our weakness; those are the true catalysts for change. It is the screw-ups and the failures that make us stop and make course corrections. It's the messy moments that sometimes can be the most important moments of our lives.

The Brain That Changes - Part 3_3

2010-06-23T16:06:00.000-04:00

Real Change Is Possible!

2010-06-23T14:36:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite Celebrate Calm newsletters is: "2 phrases that destroy our kids/students" This little bit of understanding is what really stopped me in my tracks, and turned me around to the right direction

   1st Destroying Phrase:

"1. Shaking our heads in disgust, constant negativity, "You'll never...". To my shame, this is how I communicated with Casey for the first 10 years of his life. I thought it would somehow magically motivate him to change his behavior."

This goes for marriages as well!! It includes sarcasm, rolling eyes, sighs of exasperation, and little phrases like, "yeah, just like you always do," and "I should've known," or "what NOW?" These are things I used to think of as just personality traits; things that make us who we are. But now I realize they are really bad habits that hurt and destroy others, especially tender little ones. Who we are is not as important as who we want to be, and who we want to be is not as important as who God wants us to be. So the first step in improving our relationships is to eliminate the attitude.

Are you trying to improve your family? We have been there! I'm going to weave in here two steps that are great first steps that worked for us, and many others. All of the advice is not my own, but comes from knowledge gained from Celebrate Calm's Kirk and Casey Martin.

STEP 1 toward improving family relationships (We did this : Apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses for the destroying attitudes and phrases you have used; then discontinue using them.

OUCH! Right? It's time to be brave. The first part of the step, "apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses" is really scary, and sometimes people try to skip it, or sneak in some excuses. But it is crucial to apologize with no excuses, and no finger-pointing. Without this act, you are not going to achieve the respect of your kids and spouse. Without it, you are not admitting accountability, your family will not hold you to a higher standard, and will be more likely to slip back into your old habits.

You are thinking right now, "But I'm not the only one in my family doing this!" I know. That's okay. Take accountability for your part. Don't worry about their part. They will learn from your example, and you may be surprised at the apologies that start coming your way, probably not at first, but eventually, as they see you begin to change, and they want that for themselves.

Negative thoughts, words, and behavior effects us and others down to the very molecular structure. "A Soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. " Proverbs 15:1.

The second part of Step 1, "discontinue using [the destroying phrases]" is not a matter of enduring, really, but changing yourself at the core. Kirk suggests one way to start ridding your family of these habits is to introduce a new one. For example: Say 5 positive things about someone every time you point out a negative. Make it a family rule. When putting this into practice, you discover that the negative starts to pale, and you see the person in a more positive light. They are able to see that you have love and appreciation for them, and they in turn have more hope, and are more likely to improve their behavior. Pretty soon, you start to overlook negative things, as the positive things are much more important to you. This really works on the thought level as well. If you're only thinking a negative thought, but haven't said it, try thinking about positives. In the begining, many of my positives were, "he's a child of a loving God." "Jesus Christ knows him personally, and knows his potential." If there were nothing else I could think of, I could always fall back on God. I did this with my kids and my spouse.

The Second destroying phrase that Kirk speaks of leads to step 2 in improving our families:

Destroying Phrase:

"# 2 "If you would just apply yourself more..." "If she would put forth more effort..."
When I hear those words, I cringe and my heart sinks. I know it's frustrating because we see very bright kids struggle with academics, behavior, etc. But why is our first assumption that it's only a matter of "applying yourself?" If it were that easy, don't you think our kids would do that in order to avoid harsh consequences?"

STEP 2 to improving your family relationships: Let go of negative assumptions.

Kirk: "Research shows disturbing health effects of stress and negativity: anxiety, lack of confidence, difficulty with social skills, lack of focus and attention in school, hypertension, aggression, damage to the part of the limbic brain responsible for learning and memory. This negativity and yelling damages our relationships with our kids, separating Moms and Dads from the kids they love. And none of us want that."

The greatest news in the world is that we have the power to change, and change the way others affect us, by choosing to think and feel proactively, not depending on others for our moods, and not letting their moods affect us. We are beings designed to act. Not to be acted upon. We can choose to praise, have compassion, have gratitude and unconditional love for others. We can choose to ask for these gifts from our Heavenly Father, and then do everything in our power to make that change.

The most important and the only longterm effective way to affect real change, is to allow your heart to break before God.  Pray like your life depended on it, with all your heart and soul, with a willing heart and hands to do anything the Lord tells you to do. Then HE will change your heart, and open your eyes. The tools listed here are only surface steps that can help, and are only the outside appearance of true, honest, heartfelt repentance.

Here are the baby steps outlined by Kirk Martin. When you don't know what to do, or your child does something you disapprove of, ask yourself three questions:

   "(1) What kind of tools can I provide the child to be successful? Please think tools. No child wants to fail; he usually needs tools. Does the student need more challenging work or is she overwhelmed? Does he need his brain stimulated in my class? Do I need to provide specific, concrete directions? There are dozens and dozens of very practical tools we can use to help our kids achieve consistently.
   (2) How can I give this child some ownership or cultivate internal motivation by using the child's gifts and passions? We don't give kids control, but we do need to give them ownership. Otherwise, no amount of bribes or consequences will matter. How can you get your child/student involved using his talents?
   (3) Is this about ME? How many times have we tried to make the issue about our kids' effort when their apparent failure is really about US? Are we embarrassed or frustrated by their actions? Are we anxious because we think they are going to fail in life? Have we set up impossible standards? Am I nervous because I am too responsible? Am I comparing this child unfairly to others? Am I projecting my own faults onto my child, afraid he's going to make the same mistakes as me?"

Kirk on looking at reality:

"Research also gives us hope: consistent discipline, modeling self-control and teaching kids to problem solve changes families. But science tells us that changing habits takes 30-45 days. Research proves that families who have ongoing help, who practice these new habits, achieve transformation every single time. Those who just say, "I'll try to do better" always fall into old habits...and nothing changes. Same reactivity, same yelling, same negativity."

Always remember that people can and do change!    It is within our power to do so. In fact, it is in our very nature.

Above is a link to a talk given by Norman Doidge about "Brain Plasticity." He is a lead psycho analyst, who has achieved success in helping patients change thought patterns that would have been unimaginable years ago.

It is our thoughts that are our greatest enemy and our greatest ally. It is there that the change must begin, and that is the first benefit of prayer and meditation.

Norman Doidge on the brain and neuroplasticity

2010-06-23T09:59:00.000-04:00

Spring Cleaning

2010-06-08T11:08:00.000-04:00

Today is spring cleaning day. Yes, I know it's summer. There is something refreshing and liberating about cleaning under, behind, around, and over things. I'm feeling better about my life already.

As I do this, I am inclined to think also of my life. How clean am I? Have I dusted the corners and tops of things, searched for old cobwebs, pulled out furniture and shaken out the couch of my mind lately? Have I cleaned under, over, around, and behind the parts of my life that seem to be constant and unchanging? It is those things that are the most likely to hide problem areas. Before you know it, if you don't consistently check, you have attracted unwanted pests, fungus, and disease into your life. So today I'm performing a ritual found in both animal and human kingdoms, the act of clearing out and cleaning corners, and making things seem new.

My house is not the only thing that could use refreshing. My faith, my hope, my Love for Christ, all could use renewal. It's time to rejoice in my Savior again--to feel again great joy and gratitude for his mercy and grace! Praise my God as if I had just been baptized yesterday!

Beautiful

2010-05-25T11:10:00.002-04:00

The other day I put on some music and danced with Kaylee. Then I watched her dance. At first, we were just having fun, getting exercise, and being happy. But then, I saw my daughter turn, and as she spun around, it was as though I could see her face age, her baby fat fall away, and a glimpse of her soul peeked through for just a moment. I held my breath, as for just that brief instant, I saw the grace and beauty of an angel. Her beauty was so powerful, that in that single moment, I was touched forever; a part of me will never be the same.

The More We Know of Jesus

2010-05-25T09:30:00.001-04:00

“The more we know of Jesus, the more we will love Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will trust Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will want to be like Him and to be with Him by becoming the manner of men and women that He wishes us to be, while living now ‘after the manner of happiness’.”

Neal A. Maxwell, "Plow in Hope," Liahona, July 2001, 7

Dear Mother,

Sunday morning, I woke up early prayed, read scriptures, and got myself and the kids bathed, dressed, fed and in the car. I made Kevin some toast and woke him up by giving him breakfast in bed. I told him I loved him, and missed him. He glowed and smiled in a way I hadn't seen in awhile. I was feeling spiritual, and I stayed calm and spoke to the kids with the Holy Ghost as a conduit, so they listened. Through every obstacle, like Kaylee refusing to wear shoes, we sailed through it, the Holy Spirit and I, and we kept my focus on the eternal perspective. We got to church about 5 minutes early.

Soft Answers

I didn't fret or let my light be diminished about whether or not Kevin would show up to church. I only felt love for him, not even a smidge of resentment or judging him harshly. Sacrament meeting was about---not judging others. I did have to take the baby out several times. We are not perfect, after all. At one point the kids were fighting over the only toy we brought in. I took it and them out to the car. I put it in the car, hugged them, and said we were at church to feel Jesus's love in our hearts, not fight over toys. They seemed resigned.

Kendon found that seeing other babies in the hallway was much more interesting than sacrament meeting, and kept pulling on me as I sat down again in Sacrament meeting, and saying, "Get UP!" I held him close and rocked him, and whispered that I loved him. Eventually he settled down and I was able to sit through the remainder of the meeting.

Rewards for staying Calm

Kendon went to nursery, climbed into a chair and sat with his arms folded. It was amazing. Usually he cries and hangs on me, or at least whimpers, and I have to sneak out while he's distracted. Not today. He looked straight at me, and smiled as he folded his arms reverently as I left. In fact all the nursery kids were sitting in their seats instead of playing with toys. They have some really good teachers, and I also believe the little ones can feel the Spirit.

Instead of Reacting out of Anxiety, Using the Holy Ghost

The second hour of church, Kaylee was really struggling, and wouldn't go in to primary. (It was a difficult morning for her.) She looked really tired, or sad, like she was stuffing down some feelings. I looked at her with spiritual eyes, and could see something was bothering her. I sat down on the floor with her in the hallway, and asked in a calm voice what was going on.

She finally muttered that she had a bad dream last night. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She shook her head no. Never before has she declined to tell me a dream. She usually loves to go on and on and imbelish her dreams, even the bad ones. I tried to get some details from her, and got out of her that she was hurt in her dream. She lay her head on my lap and stared into the distance, looking very sober and sad. I prayed silently. I told her that no matter what, Mommy would always love her, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus love her and are watching her. I told her she was just a little girl, and shouldn't need to worry about anything. No matter what, me, or daddy, or another grown-up like Sister Sunny would make sure everything will be okay.

She looked up and saw a picture of Samuel the Lamanite. She asked about it. I told her the story. She asked over and over how Heavenly Father protected him from getting hurt. I told her that Heavenly Father wouldn't let Samuel be killed because he still had work to do for Heavenly Father. I told her that none of us can die until our work is finished. After we've finished our jobs to do for Heavenly Father, He may let us die, and that's okay, because he will take us to be with him. I said that as long as we stay close to Jesus Christ, He will take care of our spirits, and our hearts. We won't be scared, or alone, because He will be with us, just like He was with Samuel. We don't have to worry about if our body gets hurt as long as Jesus is taking care of our spirits. We got up then, and went into my Sunday School class. Kaylee told me after we got in that she felt better and was ready to go to primary. She left her shoes with me, and went. I let go of the need to keep up appearances, put her shoes in my purse, and went to Sunday School.

Refusing to be Embarrassed

After church, I met with three women I'd asked to participate in a Relief Society activity. We had a meeting about what I've asked them to do, and all of us felt the spirit. All of them saw this a an opportunity to grow, and as we basked in the spirit, the kids ran in and were being rowdy. I quietly shooed the kids out, without losing my temper, and told the women that I had read words of prophets saying that it is possible to feel the spirit even when little children are being loud and rowdy, but if an adult loses patience with the children, the spirit departs. They all agreed, and we spoke of how precious children are. I told them that the most spiritual event in my life by far happened with kids literally running and screaming all over the house. I felt that truth fill my soul, and they felt it too.

My kids came back in and were being irreverent, and running, but the spirit still did not depart. Eventually, the kids mellowed out a little, as we stayed calm. One of the sisters spoke of how she never grounded or sent her kids to their room. She said that she instead had them sit at the kitchen table until the bad feelings went away. She said it helped both of them, because they were still around eachother, and when they are alone, they just stewed and the bad feelings get worse. Her kids all turned out well, and are now parents and have told her that they never wanted to rebel because she treated them like they were angels and they couldn't bear to disappoint her. I told her I wanted to try that, because I lock my kids in their room, and they hate it and I hate it. Another said that her parents were the same way. They treated her as though she were an angel, the light of their life, and she never wanted to disappoint them. I felt like I needed to learn from them, and use their insight in my own parenting. Kids have missions from Heavenly Father. If I keep the spirit in our home, they can feel what missions they are to perform.

Tough Love Can Still be Soft Love

The kids were wild because they were hungry. We got home and I made some lunch. We cheered when we saw Kevin, and ran and hugged him. Kevin had a headache, and was not feeling well, but he felt loved, and was happy to see us, and came up and ate lunch at the table with us. (Though the reason he didn't come to church was because I was not there to tell him where his good pants were, which tells you how behind I am on the laundry. I don't take responsibility for his choice, but I do see I can be accountable for my part.)

Kaylee complained that she wanted cereal instead of homemade burritos. I didn't let her move me, and refused to give her cereal, but in a calm, cheerful way. I told her later, with love in my heart, that the reason she doesn't get to chose her food all the time, is because she's still a little kid, and she doesn't always understand about food. Grown-ups know more about food and our bodies, and what our bodies need to stay healthy. I said I need to choose her food until she's a grown-up and will know enough about things to choose her own food. I of course try to teach her about nutrition, but it's a work in progress. She tried only one more time to sneak into the cereal, and I, still with love in my heart, allowed only Peter to eat the cereal, because he had eaten his burrito. I cheerfully told her that when she ate some healthy food, she could have a little bit of the sugar food. I explained that she must eat more healthy than sugar foods. (The burrito, was ground up kidney beans with black beans and cheese mixed in, wrapped in a tortilla. It was pretty darn healthy.) She had this look of happiness on her face, even as I took the cereal away. They love it when I stay calm AND keep my promises.

Soft LOVE

Kevin had a migraine. He was miserable, and asked me to sit with him. I told the kids that daddy had a headache, and we needed to be quiet, and I sat with Kevin that afternoon, and read scriptures while he slept or moaned. I brought him water, a cold pack for his head. The kids were very good and quiet, and left him alone. At one point, I heard Kaylee tell Peter, "Daddy is very sick, Peter, you have to be quiet....He's probably dead." I assured them that Daddy would be okay.

The Root of 'Discipline' is 'Disciple'

The kids started arguing over some trains. Kaylee has been feeling extra protective of Kendon lately, and thought she was defending him, and was mad at Peter, who was hogging the trains saying, "I want to play all by myself!" I followed the prompting of the Spirit. Kaylee kept telling me, "Mom, will you please just pack up the trains, Peter isn't sharing with Kendon." But I said no, I wanted them to practice playing together. After several attempts of letting them work it out on their own, I had to go intercede.

I took Peter in my arms, and rocked him. I spoke gently of Heavenly Father's love for him, and my love for him. I told him about his brother and sister, and how much they love him. I explained that when Kendon tries to take toys from him, it's not because he's trying to steal them, it's because he wants to play with him. I said, "Peter, Kendon wants to be your best buddy. Can you be his best buddy?" We talked a little about how to play together, and Peter was still whiney and unreceptive. But then Kaylee and Kendon came over, and started handing trains to him, and I praised them, and told Peter, "you see? Kendon loves you way more than that train. Kaylee loves you more than that train too! Pretty soon, Peter was sharing back, and I praised him, and said, "see? you love them much more than trains! We all love to be a happy family, more than we love toys, don't we?" All the kids agreed, and each of the kids ran and hugged me, and told me they loved me so much. After that, they played well together, and eventually lost interest in the trains, and focused on eachother.

At the End of the Day

I tidied up and put in some of Kevin's clothes to wash for the next morning. I noticed at 11pm that he had no socks for the next day. So I stayed up late washing laundry. I set out his clothes for the morning, because he'd told me he had extra work to do in the morning, and I knew he would be pressed for time. So at 2am, I had all his clothes, including socks, set out for him. It felt like the perfect end of the perfect day.

Attitude, Kids Cleaning, and More

2010-04-14T08:46:00.001-04:00

Dear Mom,

Since I've been sick, I've given myself a free pass and slept in. That means I haven't read scriptures as dutifully as I ought. I still do read, but at odd times of the day it is more easily missed. Then the last two days I was upset at myself when I realized that both days I'd read to the kids, but not my personal studies. Shame on me!

I have also been on edge and cranky, and today it was probably the worst in a long time as far as my attitude toward my husband. He's been quite stand-offish for the last few weeks. He had come out of the cave he's been in. It was absolutely critical that I do not shut him down! Thankfully, the Lord did help soften my heart, and I did manage to keep my thoughts virtuous from then on.

Today the kids asked to get some of their confiscated toys back. When I realized that they've been keeping their room clean, and even Peter picked it up by himself today, I consented. I handed Peter two bins, and Kaylee got a bin, and we went to get some toys from Daddy's locked office. I said they could fill up all the bins they were carrying. Peter got two toys, which were actually two parts to the same toy, and put one in each bin. He had enjoyed some of the other toys for a minute, but chose not to put them in the bins. When I did it for him, he took them out and said, "No thank you." He said that was all he wanted, and left.

Kaylee came in, and I was certain that she was old enough to take full advantage of my offer. I started helping her out by sorting out some of the little dolls and such for her, and she spotted a few ponies. I put them in her bin, and added some princesses and misc. girlie toys in her bin. It was halfway full when she said, "Actually Mommy, I am happy with just the Ponies." Flabbergasted, I happily removed my other additions, and then with that and two fairies she found, she was finished. At bed time, there was not one toy on the floor of their room.

All I've done lately, is I've gathered up anything that's been on the floor that belongs to them, including clothes, and locked it in Daddy's office. This has given us a better idea of how many toys and clothes they can handle cleaning up on their own. It's also a consequence with some teeth, and incentive to pick things up. I did find pants and shirts stuffed in the toy bins today, and no organization at all in the bins, but I can't be too nit-picky, they are only 4 and 5, and they're picking up their room without being told!

Kaylee and Peter are so close, I sometimes feel left out! It's silly, but it can cause real problems with schooling, because they often just ignore me and go off together. I try to work with each separately, but sometimes it is impossible. I want K and P to be close, but Kaylee needs to be writing her name. Peter can hardly hold a pencil. Kaylee doesn't always think she should be held to a higher standard. She could also be reading a little, and she's not.

Kevin says it was a long hard struggle for him to learn to read, while math came much easier. So it's been with Kaylee. Math is easy. She just gets it. Same with Peter. They've both taught them selves to add and subtract with their fingers up to 5, and are working on numbers up to 10. Peter did 5 and 3 is 8 the other day! We don't do it on paper yet, per our new guidelines, but they are taking the reigns of learning it themselves. They're not waiting to be taught, they are actively learning on their own. I am only facilitating, and guiding loosely.

Overall, I feel good about our family. We have our bad moments, days, weeks, etc, but the good days outnumber and outweigh the bad days. We love each other, and are working on ourselves, and sometimes if all the stars line up right, we even work together at making our family run happily and smoothly.

I laughed when Kaylee felt so sorry for a girl in her class who only has sisters, "she doesn't have a...(she couldn't remember the word for brother) boy that lives with her that she could dance with like a prince or marry when she grows up. I guess she'll never get married. I feel so sad for her..." Sometimes when she gets very upset at Peter, she says, "I will NEVER marry you!" Then when she calms down, she changes her mind again. Though she did want to marry Kevin for awhile, then Pampa, now Peter. Ah the fickle nature of woman.

I loved reading your letter to your Mother. It reminded me of how important it is to the kids that the Gospel be important to me. It also showed me how I am the leader, like it or not, in my family, and I can't just go along, I've got to build the path and pave the way! I felt inspired to try and work harder. I have now set my alarm for 4:30am, and will repent promptly.

Love you!
Ginny Lee

We sleep in separate beds.

2010-03-15T06:35:00.002-04:00

Our life with three sweet, active and loving children

Kevin is the love of my life, a good man, my white knight. I love him with all of my soul. My heart beats faster when know I'll see him soon. Sometimes I forget to show it, because it has become so commonplace. But it is there, even stronger than when we first were married. Through every conflict and resolution, my commitment to him deepens. I love him with eyes open, with eyes closed, with ears open, and ears closed. I light up when I see his smile, and I savor and relish his essence that bursts forth from him. I find in him completeness of self and rest for my heart and mind. When he takes me in his strong arms and hugs me close, I feel all my loneliness and fears melt away. His strengths make up for my weaknesses. I am so blessed to have him.

The reason we sleep in separate beds is not because there is a rift in our relationship, or tension we cannot sleep with. We sleep in separate beds because Kevin desperately needs rest. The baby crib is in our room. Our big house only has two rooms on the main floor, and the kids room doesn't have space for all three kids. So baby Kennie has to sleep in our room. Then there are the children, and their occasional night-time antics.

Sleepless Nights

Peter often gets up to potty in the night. He has never wet the bed that I can remember. But until very recently, he was unable to go back to sleep after going potty. Even if it were midnight when he woke up, he'd spend the next 4-5 hours awake, trying to sleep, whispering to himself while staring at the ceiling. That could go on for a couple of hours before he'd finally give up and get up, ask to watch TV, ask for drinks or food, demand I read him a book, ask WHY an HOW questions, talk to himself or to his toys, and shout things like, "MOMMY! STOP SLEEPING!" Because he didn't want to be the only one awake. By the morning, I was often exhausted and in tears, because even when I could sleep in between his waking me up time after time, I'd inevitably be woken up by the baby wanting to nurse, or Kaylee climbing in bed with us.

Peter's noise level often woke up Kaylee, and his presence often kept the baby from wanting to go back to sleep after nursing, so then Kendon would be very loud and giggly and want to get down and run around laughing. (All usually in the hours after midnight.) The number of sleepless nights in this house have been many. Meanwhile, Kevin has a very taxing and difficult job to do, phisically as well as mentally. The smartest thing Kevin has done to deal with this, has been to sleep downstairs in the guest bedroom when he has to work the next day, or if he's just really tired. He remains undisturbed all night. I take the burden of sleepless nights gladly upon myself. I want Kevin to have all the strength of body and clarity of mind he is capable of. Really. It eases my mind considerably.

Missing Him

That said, there are some days when we ache to be near one another, and hate that we are not. Sometimes I long to wake up in the morning next to my husband instead of two or three kids who've climbed in bed with me. At times, I forget that he's sleeping away from me for health of body and mind, and I find myself feeling alone and unloved, longing to feel the warmth of my other half, or hear his apnea snoring.

Sublime Moment

Saturday night, however, we got to sleep in the same bed for once. He and I were watching a movie, while the baby slept peacefully in his crib. We were enjoying this quiet time, and then two little ones came running in and hopped into bed with us. Kaylee went straight to Kevin, Peter came to me. They snuggled down in our embraces, and Peter said, "I love you Mommy." I said, "I love you too sweetie." I had this feeling, this surge of the spirit that filled our bedroom at that moment. I gazed at my children, and squeezed my son close, knowing that these days were so precious and fleeting.

I looked over at Kevin, and saw the same look in his eyes. He squeezed Kaylee and kissed her head, and expressed his love for her. We smiled at each other. Having my babies and husband, my most precious possessions all together at that moment, I gave thanks. To know where our babies were, to have them all safely under our wings, and know that they were all just fine, to look over and see the love my husband has, the pure, Christ-like love for our children and me, and feel the Love of God fill our home was one of the most sublime moments in my life. I had a glimpse of being God, looking at my children that I created. I had the feeling of loving those creations with a depth of love that only a God is capable of. I love my children more than ever because I love God first. I stayed up for hours watching the children, trying to memorize their faces, remembering them as babies, marveling at their growth.

Why have a husband and children?
Without my husband, without my children, my growth would be limited at best. I would not have the motivation or need to sacrifice parts of my personality that are un-harmonious, and turn to the the Lord to overcome so many of my weaknesses. Without the Church I would not feel the need to strengthen myself emotionally and spiritually in many of the ways I have had to.

Because the Lord has blessed me, and has given me the very people I need in my life, and the truth that I need to set me free, I can grow.

Kaylee's spiritual Growth

Each member of our family is on his own spiritual journey. Kaylee was having a hard time the other day, screaming and throwing a fit, being shockingly rude to all of us. I had no idea what brought it on, but later found out she'd gotten her feelings badly hurt at Preschool. She ran away and locked herself in my closet. A few minutes later she came in, visibly calmed down. She said she had said a prayer, and Jesus was speaking to her in her heart. He was telling her to say sorry. It was hard for her to do, but she bravely humbled herself and apologized.

Peter's Spiritual Growth

I was reading scriptures to Peter the other morning, as he was literally bouncing up and down and standing on his head, when he suddenly burst out, "I love Jesus, Mommy! I love him so very much, and He loves me!!" I heard him tell the story I'd read to him to his toys. He then wanted to read more, and looked at the scripture reader (children's scriptures with pictures,) all on his own. I'm learning to let go of needing things to appear perfect, and simply let the Holy Spirit guide me.

Letting the Holy Spirit Guide us!
If I can feel the Holy Spirit, then what we're doing is good and acceptable. If not, then I need to change something. So THAT'S what it means to 'Let the Holy Spirit Guide.' Aha!

We were at the dinner table the other day, and I was reading the scriptures aloud. No one appeared to be listening, the kids kept getting up and crawling under the table, and Kevin was rolling his eyes at the kids, I kept reading and speaking as though someone were listening. I felt the spirit enter my heart, and I knew that even though it wasn't apparent, the practice of obedience in the face of discouragement was going to bless us. As I closed the book, I had a good feeling deep down at the bottom of my heart, in spite of feeling powerless and frustrated. Later, I overheard the kids speaking quietly to one another about what I'd said. So they were listening after all! If I had scolded or forced them to sit in their seats, as I have done in the past, the spirit would have left, and their hearts would have been closed, even if they obeyed.

So we sleep in separate beds
We sleep in separate beds, because we are secure enough to do so. Even though at times I wish he were next to me, I love him enough to let go a little, and give him the space he needs to rest. "Love must never hold, never hold tight but let go."

The more I know, the more I don't know...

2010-01-18T07:54:00.002-05:00

Daily Life

I believe every day there should be something the kids and/or I can count on and look forward to. I do enjoy our traditions, and often pray that the kids will cooperate. My kids do not obey my every word, and sometimes they won't listen at all. Especially when they're stir crazy during these winter months. Then, out of the blue, we'll have a really good day when they will surprise me with their insight and kindness, and they will prove to me that they deserve the high praise I heap upon them. I continually take their spiritual, emotional, and intellectual temperatures, and measure that to what it was a week ago, or a month ago, and try to evaluate if we've improved or slipped back somewhere.

Homeschooling

I started having 30 minutes alone with each child. Kaylee teaches Kendon while I work with Peter. Peter is supposed to teach Kendon while I work with Kaylee. Kaylee teaches Peter while I work with Kendon. Peter doesn't take to this teaching stuff very naturally, but then again, he's only 3.

Kaylee loves Jesus, and loves to think about him and talk about him. One day Peter was asking about why the water obeys Jesus. I started thinking about explaining the power of God, but Kaylee answered for me. She said, "Because the water loves Him. Right Mommy?" I was amazed at how true and simple that was, and agreed whole heartedly. I added, "We love Jesus, so we want to obey him too."

Peter is such a quick learner. I am inundated constantly, every day by questions about every movie, TV show, book, or event he's ever seen or heard. In order to teach him, all I have to do is answer every question with attention instead of just pacifying him with pat answers. He is so easy and listens so well to what I'm saying, even though he may be bouncing on the couch at the time, I tend to give him less attention, which I need to rectify.

Kendon is growing and learning to talk rapidly! I can't keep up! Every day he'll say a new sentence, and surprise me that he knows what he's saying. His favorite phrase right now, is "No way!" He is so funny, and he's full of character. He loves to say, "Hea hav dat" as he hands me things. He also loves to sit and read with me, which also helps his improving vocabulary. He is a climber, which is my only frustration with him. He won't stay off of the table, counters, or changing table, and I'm constantly worried that he's going to break an arm!

Striving Always for Better

We're a work in progress, and every day we mess up and have to refocus. Every day I ask for help and forgiveness, then help again, and every day, by the end of the day, I feel the Spirit of Christ return to our walls, and fill us up with protection from the outside influences that might tear us down otherwise. I guess that's what it's all about, and that's why the Bible tells us, "don't let the sun go down on your anger." Because we want to sleep with Christ's light filling our hearts and minds, and angels to watch over us in our vulnerable state. We can't have that if we've gone to bed angry or have not apologized for any contention and resolved it, allowing the Spirit to return.

I have HOPE that with Christ's help and example, I will some day reach my righteous goals in life. I say to myself every day, "Never give up, Ginny. Growth is happening as long as you NEVER give up."

Regression, Confession, Renewal, Rebirth

2010-01-09T15:02:00.002-05:00

Confession: During the last few weeks I slipped into some old habits, and felt myself getting angrier and angrier, and noticed that I re-started yelling like I used to. I felt awful about it, and kept apologizing, and trying to do better, but a part of me blamed them, and that allowed me to continue the negative pattern. I finally turned to the Lord about this, taking my own advice.

I felt inspired to think more deeply about it. What was I really angry about? What was underneath that rage? What usually triggered the outbursts? I listened to the Kirk Martin CDs again. Specifically CD 2, Create a Calm Home.

I realized that I got angriest when I couldn't bark a command and they follow-when they refused to be robots, and they exercised their right to choose their own actions, words, and feelings. The more I attempted to control, the angrier I got. Whether it was how they put on their PJs, how they spoke to each other, or how they used their time, I was trying to be the puppeteer. Most of all, I was so busy trying to force them to be calm and in control of themselves that I neglected to realize that it's not my job to do that for them. Only they can do that for themselves. My job is to simply control what I do, say, and feel. I was the huge hypocrite trying to pull the moat from their eyes while ignoring the beam in my own.

Once I realized that, I stopped immediately. I let go. Every time they got into a conflict, or made a choice I wouldn't have made, I let go of my anxiety. I don't need perfect children. I just need to be proactive and calm. I cry as I write this, because it's such a powerful experience to let go and say, "My child is responsible for his or her own life!" It is not to say I don't care, or won't do everything I can to help guide and teach. I am talking about letting go of making the choices for them-even telling them what choice to make. Teach consequences. Allow them to fail. These are things I was forgetting to do, and as soon as I remembered, and started letting go of my need to control again, a massive change came over me and my family once again. My children trust me again, and give thanks for my new attitude, again.

Last night the children decided to have some fun as I took an evening shower. They got into some rice, and spread it all over the kitchen, carpeted basement steps, couch, and living room carpet. Then they took some water and sprinkled it all over the rice making it stick to everything it touched, including their feet. So it was literally all over the house. Can you imagine the scene that awaited me when I walked out of my room? I was armed with the Spirit of Christ after reading scriptures and praying that day, and having a new outlook. I whispered when I might have yelled, I got to work when I might have flown off the handle, and I allowed the children to help clean up, instead of fighting and forcing them. They lost their movie privilege for the night, and they didn't argue it. They had to go directly to bed after dinner, with no story and no extra time with Mommy. But I still prayed with them, and the miracle was: I didn't feel angry.

It took me an hour to clean up all the rice. The whole time I thought about how much fun they must have had, and thought of their beautiful laughs and smiles, and I gave thanks that they were playing happily together, and making each other their best friends. They were very sorry, and helped me clean as much as they could, and accepted their punishment. Peter did protest a little at not getting to read a story, and I almost gave in, because it is education, after all, but I resolved that he would get a story tomorrow, but not during punishment time. I was firm, but not angry, unmoved, but still loving. I wasn't pushing down or stuffing down anger or frustration. It simply wasn't there, because I had surrendered. I cannot control them, and no amount of angry shouting or ranting and raving will change that. But there is something I can control, and that is me.

When I saw the rice, my mind made an instant split:

What can I do?	What can't I do?
I can sweep and vacuum.	Go back in time and change what they did.
I can praise God, and see the good.	Force them to never ever again choose this.
I can think of a consequence.	Control their attitudes.
I can let go of my anxiety.	Control my husband's reaction to the mess.
I can do a great, thorough job of cleaning.	Magically will away the mess.
I can listen to music and poetry in my mind.	Stop my kids from laughing or playing.
I can enforce a consequence without debate.	Change the situation.

Perhaps it's fitting that the same evening, I happened to read in my favorite book, Help for the Harried Homeschooler by Christine M. Field, Page 269:

"When I gave up my need to control, much of my anger and frustration dissipated."

Then on Page 271 She describes coming to God in tears, frustration and powerlessness:

"Love me. God always answers. Love your neighbors. That's all. I'll work out the rough spots. And he does."

AND HE DOES.

Survival vs. Thrival

2010-01-02T09:38:00.002-05:00

To be perfectly honest, motherhood terrified me from day one. I felt the surge of motherly love toward my baby, I had read many many parenting books ahead of time, so I thought I wouldn't be scared. I thought I had it all planned out in my mind. But when I brought my little girl home from the hospital, all I could do was sit on the couch with her in my arms and cry for the next 5 hours. I felt panic and fear. I had majored in Early Childhood Ed in College, and I had been around many many little kids in my life, but I had never known the pressure--the responsibility of motherhood. That was when I turned on the survival switch in my mind, and it took me 4 years to figure out it was hurting not helping me. At the time, to help myself calm down inside, I said over and over in my mind, "Just keep her alive. Just keep her alive." Instead, I should have told myself, "Enjoy this. Enjoy her. Laugh. Have fun!"

The Survival Switch

The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it. You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum. When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode. I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children. It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.

What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:

Expect them to act out. Scream. Fight. Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine. Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them. They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work. Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.

So, what do we do?

Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!! I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that. It must have been 3-4 pages long, and that was shortened! His answer to me was simple. "Let go of pleasing everyone around you. Sit down with her. Enjoy her." Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind. I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them. The only one worthy of that burden is God.

The Specific Answer:

Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial. But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer. Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to. If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that. Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT. Change your heart. AGAIN." This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them. If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member. Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity. The same goes with God.

Have a problem? Ask this question.

Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?

It's only a decision away.