The most Christ-like person I know

The most Christ-like person I know is my 5 year old son.  I know that may sound very much like a mother, but it happens to be a genuine observation.  I see him in action more than anyone else in the world, and I see his heart as well as hear his words, and experience his treatment daily.

To give just one example, I will recount what happened last night.  Kaylee had a rough day.  She had many emotional struggles, and her facade of not caring was crumbling slowly, and that evening, close to bed time, she bit her cheek.  That was the last straw for her, and she began to cry, real tears, and needed her mother's arms.  She doesn't get to cuddle with mom much, because that spot seems always filled with the littlest one.  Kendon was nursing at that moment.  I was torn.  I asked Kendon to let go, and we would nurse later, but he was determined not to be unseated by his sister, who tried to climb on my lap, and was pushed off.  I don't believe in pushing a young child away, so I didn't want to push Kendon away from me, but I unlatched him, and told him firmly and kindly, "I'm sorry, but you will have to nurse later.  I have three kids, and right now, Kaylee needs a mommy too."  Well, that worked like you'd imagine it would on a 2-yr-old.  (Not at all.)  And so I sat there, with two crying kids, each wanting to get on my lap, and each pushing the other away, and me, caught in the impossible position in the middle.  

That's what my peacemaker intervened.  Peter comes over, calmly and cheerfully and says, "Don't worry Mom. I'll take care of Kendon."  He is not put off by Kendon ignoring him, continuing to fuss, and trying to get back on my lap.  He just sweetly puts his arm around his brother's shoulders and says to him with a warm smile, "It's okay Kendon, It's okay little bro, I'll take care of you.  What do you want to play together?"  Kendon stops, looks at his big brother he has learned to trust, and puts his little head on his brother's chest.  Peter slowly walks away with him. Kendon says quietly, "I want to play dinosaur."  Peter says, "Do you want to  be Tyrannosaurus Rex?  The king dinosaur?  You go like this..."  And off they went, saying "Raaaarrr," and playing happily together.  Meanwhile, my daughter climbed on my lap, and received some much needed comfort. 

Kaylee and I were able to enjoy about 10 minutes of agenda-free time, reading scriptures together, and just enjoying the feel of one another's touch.  I realized that I don't hold her anymore, and I have missed her.  It felt good to hold my big girl, even though she is almost 7, and it felt good to listen to her, and enjoy her, instead of correcting her.  All that was made possible, because my middle child had prepared himself to be okay, so he could reach out to others.  It was not an accident, he works at it every day.  He is striving harder than anyone I know, to be exactly like his idol, Jesus Christ.  One way, is by strengthening himself, so he can be a strength to others.

I am humbled deeply today, and I have been on my knees all morning, asking my Father to help me to be more like my own son, who is more like His son, than I am.  Can I, by turning to the Lord, become emotionally secure enough to be a strength to others, and not constantly be needing strength from others? 

Family News:

I don't like to be constantly giving updates on all the family news, because this blog is not supposed to be all about me.  But there are some things that will be affecting my posts in the future, and need to be said.  

First:  I am currently pregnant with our fourth child.  Due in late September.

Second:  We have recently sold our house and are moving, we have no idea where yet, except for a little while we'll be moving to my husband's parents' home during the transition time.  I have three weeks to pack our house and house-hunt, so I will not have much time to post for the next little while.

To Be Honest:

I have recently started listening again to Kirk Martin's, Celebrate Calm.  That is because since I've been pregnant, I've been less calm, and less in control of my feelings.  I find myself crying more, shouting more, and overall, giving up more on being the kind of mom I want to be.  Then a few weeks ago, I lost it with my daughter.  She is going through a transition age right now, and all sorts of problems with relationships and schooling are bubbling to the surface, issues I have feared, and all of us are on edge and faced with new issues we haven't dealt with before.  I guess I started reverting back to what I know best, fear and intimidation, distracted, anxiety-ridden parenting, and that just made everything so much worse.  Then one day, I snapped.  I said things I'm so ashamed of, I can't believe left my lips.  I hurt her so deeply, and I saw it happening, and didn't care.  I didn't care until about 5 minutes later when I had a minute to process, and I thought I would throw up.  I was so heartbroken at what I'd just done, I didn't even know how to apologize.  I didn't say anything, I just cried, and cried, and cried.  I felt intense, enormous grief and pain, I can't even describe.  That was anguish!  Truly, deep, heart-wrenching sorrow.  How could I make it better?  How could I come back from that low, low place?  How could she heal from that?  How could I?

We went to my mother's house who unwittingly said some things that helped both of us.  My daughter looked at me, and I looked at her, and the words were unspoken, but she smiled and nodded, and I smiled back and nodded.  We both resolved to try harder to be peacemakers.  Later, she asked me why I hadn't apologized, and I said that I was so ashamed, I didn't know how to say it.  But then I apologized, and I asked her if we could start over. I told her how precious she was to me, and how lucky I was to be given such a special girl to be my daughter.  It was a new beginning, not a new arrival, meaning it was still a painful time, still we needed help.

The next few weeks I spent more time on my knees, crying, seeking, and asking for Christ's help, healing, and instruction.  Wisely, He let me struggle awhile, and let me feel the full brunt of my shame, and see clearly the pain I have the power to cause before offering me solace.  Eventually, when the time was right, that comfort came.  It wasn't all at once, it was a little bit each day.  As I showed willingness to change and grow myself, He offered a boost up each time.  It is only through consistent effort and obedience that peace can be availed to us.  If I were to repeat the offenses, I would negate the blessings.  I would be unable to receive any comfort, only added anguish.  So through obedience to God, I opened myself to receiving the blessings of my Father, and the love and healing of Christ.

Now I feel that healing love, and walk in it daily.  I give thanks and do not take it for granted.  Now that I am on firmer ground, it's time for me to reach out to my little girl, and show her once again where true growth,  peace and healing can be found.  In the arms of her loving Savior.  She has the right and privilege to enjoy those blessings right now. 

Our relationship is beginning to heal, and I can feel her longing for love and healing.  I can see her reaching for any help, any hope she can find.  She did nothing wrong--nothing she has to answer for, but she did get hurt.  She is not responsible for her actions, she is still too young to be expected to be able to control herself completely.  Before age 8, kids are still expected to be the result of their environment.  While they begin to learn the principles of choice and accountability, it's not right to demand it of them until they are completely mentally and emotionally ready to be independent of their surroundings.  (Which is yet another reason it's incredible to witness emotional and spiritual integrity in my 5-yr-old.)  Before age 8, the responsibility for repentance (i.e. struggling to change and grow, praying for forgiveness and help to improve,) lies solely with the adult.  This is a doctrine of my church, but also a universal truth I believe.  Universal truths can be forgotten, or put on the back burner of our minds.  It's time I remember this one, and realize that the fault is mine when there is a conflict with her.  I have seen my own power to affect our relationship for the good in the past.  Her actions do not hold merit against mine.  That is the bad news, and that is the good news.  As long as we have faith, there is still hope for us.

AMAZING! One Man Plays Two Grand Pianos At Once - La Campanella - Josh W...

Readers, I have many things to tell you. Much of it I'm still trying to get my thoughts together. But this much I will tell you. My daughter and I were having one of THOSE weeks, and riding in the car seemed to be a trigger for all sorts of bickering every time. One day I turned on some mellow music, and she calmed down immediately and said, "Mommy, whenever you play this kind of music, it makes me want to be nice and not fight. I want to love my brothers instead of be mean to them." I'm not saying it's some kind of magic trick to play music, but it's a tool to keep in your bag. Then the other day my kids were in need of some mental stimulation, (wild, bouncing off the walls.) I put on some classical music, and they started playing as if they were in a performing orchestra, and had a great time "playing" the violin, flute, piano, clarinet, etc. and even conducting. They played this game no less than 3 hours. No joke. I had to drag them away from it to go to bed, and even then my daughter insisted she be allowed to listen to classical violin as she went to sleep. Those of us with intense kids who require intense stimulation find quickly that sometimes music can unlock a hidden door to their brains.

I hope you know readers, that I would not waste your precious time with fluff. Above is a video of a remarkable pianist who will no doubt be making headlines when his album comes out on April 5th. Stay tuned for a possible give-away! I've previewed much of his music, and I am very impressed with Josh's talent, feeling, and artistry. Enjoy this video, and go to the website by clicking on the title if you'd like to see more!

Following Motherly Instincts, Ignoring Voices of Judgement

Simply put, it just feels right. A mother's intuition truly can save her baby's life. Click here for an incredible story of a mom who follows her instincts, does everything the doctors told her she MUST NOT to do, and saved her baby's life!

When my daughter was first born, she was so tiny I couldn't imagine having her in the bed with me. I was scared we would crush her!  So she slept in a bassinet by the bed. I would wake up suddenly and jump to check on her, and rub her till she took a deep breath. I was sleep-deprived in a big way. My ear was constantly in tune to her breathing. Friends and family, even doctors told me to just move her out of the room so I couldn't hear her, and I'd finally get some sleep. I tried it briefly, but it was worse.

I would jump out of a deep sleep and run to her room, and rub her, I'd sit on the floor and listen to her breathing for hours. I am very aware that people saw me as a nervous mother. And I was. I had this nagging feeling that her breathing wasn't right. It was too fast, too fitful. I brought her back in the room, and started letting her sleep next to me after breastfeeding. After that, both of us started sleeping peacefully, finally. My husband would sometimes let her sleep skin to skin on his chest. I noticed that when they did this, her breathing and his were perfectly in-sync. He would take a deep breath, she would take a deep breath. Her breathing was rhythmic and peaceful, as long as she was close to us. I was sure that my daughter slept better on her stomach than her back, and had been laying her in the bassinet that way after she had cried so much on her back. But when she slept in the bed with me, she almost always pushed up to her side. Sometimes she faced her daddy, sometimes she faced me, but always she slept more soundly and breathed evenly.

My night-fears subsided. This was the answer for us. I would wake along with her, and easily slip back into sleep after her needs were met. I wore her in a sling during the day, didn't let her cry, and carefully nurtured her every need.  She thrived, gained weight, and was a happy, strikingly beautiful little spirit.

From the time she was 3 months old, whenever we had a problem, concern, any struggle we went through, everyone I went to for advice told me the same thing. "Get her out of your bed room." I thumbed my nose at them and said, I don't believe that's the answer. They said, "you and your husband will not be able to connect." We connected more, in our mutual bond with her. They said, "you won't get any sleep." We got more sleep. They said, "She will think she's not okay if she can't see you." "Your relationship will not be sound." "She will be unable to self-soothe." "She will not mature emotionally." "You are holding her back out of YOUR need to be close to her." "She will be insecure." "She will be spoiled." Oh yes, I heard it all. Still, I did not budge. I am glad I didn't. If you want to know more about co-sleeping, and the scientific research surrounding it, click here.

10 months

I am proud of my courageous behavior until she was 15 months old and started having trouble sleeping. Maybe it was a growth-spurt, maybe she was just going through a developmental phase, maybe she wasn't getting enough activity during the day, maybe it was that she wasn't full enough. She would squirm, play, get up and down, kick us in the face, jabber until 2am, etc. I answered the new sleep deprivation by assuming that everyone was right. I thought co-sleeping wasn't working anymore. The Ferberizers must have been right. It didn't even occur to me that there could be a physiological reason for her sleep issues. We moved her out of the bed to a crib in our room, and then when we couldn't handle the constant crying all night, we moved her out of the room.  She was old enough for us not to worry about SIDS, so we knew she would be "fine."

She was not fine, and neither were we. I was shutting down my motherly instincts and closing myself off to inspiration. Had I been willing to cultivate and follow my personal inspiration and intuition, ignoring the voices around me, we might have figured out what was causing her sleep-problems, and we would have saved ourselves and her a great deal of pain.

I still feel the sting of those early days.  I see their negative effects on my daughter.  I see insecurity, social anxiety, and other issues stemming from her babyhood that she struggles with. These are issues that I saw developing and turned a blind eye, not willing to admit I had made a very huge mistake.  I put away the slings and I quit breastfeeding her during this time, against my mother's advice.  My reasoning was she's already crying, she might as well get it all over with at once.  I thought that like a band-aid, I should just rip it off all at once.  I was 7 months pregnant, so for the most part I was applauded for keeping it up as long as I had.  But she felt completely rejected and cried for days and days, hours upon hours, begging me to take her back.  Oh yeah, and I started potty-training her around that time as well, because of social pressure.  I just threw it all at her at once.  I sent her the message--it's time to grow up.  NOW.  I don't care if you're still a baby.  I think I might have even said that to her!

16 months

The secure bond that I had worked so long and hard to form with her was severed, causing her emotional scarring beyond my comprehension.  For her psyche, it was as if her mother had suddenly died, and been replaced by an uncaring, unloving caregiver.  To make matters worse, I began punishing her for 'misbehavior.'  When she responded negatively.  Time-out, spanking, scolding, all things so foreign to her angelic experience, I still held her and cuddled her sometimes, sure.  I thought I was a really good mother, because I was "tough" on her she was obstinate, and super-duper sweet when she was compliant.  But I was nervous about her clinging to me when the new baby was born, so she was pushed to give up all things that gave her comfort and security, even her own diaper.  She had no soft place to land, no one to lean on, no one to cling to, and she gradually began to give up.  She was never the same afterward.  She never will be.  I just hope that out there a mother is reading this and thinking, 'I would never do that to my child.'  That is my deepest desire.  I didn't know which part of what I did was wrong.  I knew something was wrong, and it took me until less than a year ago, 5 years later, to finally see what had actually happened--what I had actually done, with clear vision.

My life now is dedicated to becoming the kind of mother who would never dream of acting without inspiration, and never against my nurturing instincts.  I am devoted to helping my daughter heal as much as she can, and overcome the difficulties she continues to have.  My life's goal is to teach her (and my other children) where her greatest comfort and solace lies, and teach her how to access it.  My mission is to be a bridge between here and there for her.

I can't say if all her problems stemmed from when she was a baby, maybe she was born with an obstinate personality, I don't know.  I will never know.  But a part of me did see what was happening to her, how tortured she was, how she hurt inside, yet I kept on looking for the rewards everyone promised.

I waited for the 'security' and it never came.  I waited for the 'independence' and it never came.  I waited for the 'compliance' and it never came, I waited for the 'trust' and it never came.  It didn't come for a very, very long time, and it wasn't because of anything that Dr. Ferber, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Parenting Magazines, Mommy Message boards, family members or anyone else suggested.  It is still a work in progress, and it comes only by and through principles of Christianity.  Principles that I am just now beginning to understand apply to all parts of life and family rearing.

Moms, why are we giving other moms advice?  Why do we judge each other?  Why do we push young moms to do things OUR way?  Are we arrogant enough to think that we have all the answers to someone else's problems?  Do we really think our advice should trump personal inspiration?  Do we think that Dr. Spock knows more about our children than their creator?  Do we honestly think that our natural instincts to nurture and protect our children should be squashed into non-existence?  On this page I have several links to sites that explain the ideas I am speaking about.  Even the self-help books I recommend, I do not suggest you read or study them if you are not inspired to do so.  If God wants to speak to you out of them, He'll let you know.  But make sure you know where your inspiration comes from.

My sister and I have an agreement.  She does things differently than I do, I do things differently than she does.  But we both encourage and support each other.  We champion each other's efforts to receive inspiration on behalf of our children, and although we may not agree all the time, we respect the effort each of us goes through to find the answers we are seeking.  This is the most important work we will ever do with our lives.  Our children are counting on us to shape their characters and establish an environment they can truly THRIVE in.  Their success as parents, a.k.a. future generations hang on our efforts.  Will our great-grandchildren look back and thank us for how we lived?  Or will they look back and shake their heads, and have to strive to break the patterns we established?  Who do you want to be in the course of history?

MOMS!  Young, old, empty-nesters, and newly weds, YOU are the expert!  YOU are the specialist!  YOU are wiser than all the collective knowledge in the world, when it comes to YOUR child!  BE your child's CHAMPION!  Be courageous enough to BE what your child needs you to be...YOUR BEST.

One Week?

Why did I think one week would be enough?  I barely got to face my demons and see the problems I've been distracted from head on, much less improve or become a better person.  This week was more of a humbling experience than a lifting experience.  I have gotten what I needed, not what I wanted.  But I am hoping and praying that when God is finished bringing me to my knees, He'll lift me up again, and higher.  I'm going for week 2 of striving to face problems, not hide from them--to be the kind of wife and mother who inspires confidence and gratitude--to separate myself from media, and focus on God's plan for me and my family.

Tired, but had to write

Today I'm very tired.  My arms and legs ache, my eyes are sagging, and my head is throbbing.  Yet my heart is full, my soul is resting, and my face bears a warm smile.  I feel peace inside, and I am falling asleep with a sense of comfort.

I could have lost it a little while ago.  I couldn't get my children to pray with me.  I was tired.  I just wanted to get to bed, write, read, and be done for the day.  But my children were busy using their imaginations and playing happily together.  They ignored my every weak and tired plea.  I started to get uptight, and felt hot anger knocking.  On top of that, the house keeps getting messy, and sometimes it feels like fighting a losing battle when it comes to laundry and clutter.  But as I prayed, I felt that familiar warmth come over me, and my daughter who was in the other room, sensed something, and came and knelt down with me.  I prayed aloud when she came, so she could participate, and she started to hug me as I was praying.

When I finished, we sat still and basked in the warm light that surrounded us.  I said, "I feel the Holy Spirit in my heart right now."  Kaylee said, "I feel it too."  I said, "It feels so warm and loving."  Kaylee hugged me and said, "I know."  She said, "Mommy, can we read the scriptures now?"  So we did.  

How it went today

Today I found that I could not feel the Spirit as much as I wanted to.  There was unfinished business in my home.  Laundry undone, dishes piled in the sink, and clutter taking over.  I spent much of my time running kids to and fro, and then realized that I would not get where I was seeking to go if my house is not in order.  The Spirit cannot dwell in an unclean 'temple.'  So this evening I got to work, cleaning, getting the kids to help.  At first it was a frenzy, and I did a lot of scolding and snapping, and then I realized I was still "missing the mark."  


I changed my tone, and explained to the kids why we were doing this.  They became engaged, because they wanted to feel the Spirit too.  They have missed it too.  Then the cleaning took on a smoother gate, and swifter progress was made, because it was done in the spirit of seeking, and serving God.  


There was a heavenly moment today that gave me just a tiny taste of what I'm hoping for.  A moment when I got really honest with myself, and in turn, my kids.  As I drove in the car, a feeling of anguish overcame me, and I felt inspired to share this journey with my children.  I told them why they had seen me crying half the morning.  I told them I feel such sadness, because I miss my Savior, I miss feeling His love all the time, and having it in our home all the time.  They in turn shared that they have felt that way too.  Remember, my kids are ages 6,5, and 2.  They told me that they remember when I did not know Christ, and I was so angry and pushed them away from my heart, but now, especially after we moved to this house, "you are different," they said.  "You want to love Jesus, and you keep trying to know Him.  You still get angry, and then you get happy, and you just keep going back and forth."  I shared with them that I want with all my heart to be a better, more loving Mommy, that they can trust to be close to Christ all the time.


I spent a lot of time crying today, yearning for what I used to be, the relationship I used to have with God.  I spent some time on my knees, some time in reflection, reading, listening to, and watching inspirational media.  Yet I did not read scriptures themselves.  I feel like the Spirit has still not pierced my heart.  It may be that only the actual words of God can break through these hardened walls.  Look for an update tomorrow.