Today I found that I could not feel the Spirit as much as I wanted to. There was unfinished business in my home. Laundry undone, dishes piled in the sink, and clutter taking over. I spent much of my time running kids to and fro, and then realized that I would not get where I was seeking to go if my house is not in order. The Spirit cannot dwell in an unclean 'temple.' So this evening I got to work, cleaning, getting the kids to help. At first it was a frenzy, and I did a lot of scolding and snapping, and then I realized I was still "missing the mark."
I changed my tone, and explained to the kids why we were doing this. They became engaged, because they wanted to feel the Spirit too. They have missed it too. Then the cleaning took on a smoother gate, and swifter progress was made, because it was done in the spirit of seeking, and serving God.
There was a heavenly moment today that gave me just a tiny taste of what I'm hoping for. A moment when I got really honest with myself, and in turn, my kids. As I drove in the car, a feeling of anguish overcame me, and I felt inspired to share this journey with my children. I told them why they had seen me crying half the morning. I told them I feel such sadness, because I miss my Savior, I miss feeling His love all the time, and having it in our home all the time. They in turn shared that they have felt that way too. Remember, my kids are ages 6,5, and 2. They told me that they remember when I did not know Christ, and I was so angry and pushed them away from my heart, but now, especially after we moved to this house, "you are different," they said. "You want to love Jesus, and you keep trying to know Him. You still get angry, and then you get happy, and you just keep going back and forth." I shared with them that I want with all my heart to be a better, more loving Mommy, that they can trust to be close to Christ all the time.
I spent a lot of time crying today, yearning for what I used to be, the relationship I used to have with God. I spent some time on my knees, some time in reflection, reading, listening to, and watching inspirational media. Yet I did not read scriptures themselves. I feel like the Spirit has still not pierced my heart. It may be that only the actual words of God can break through these hardened walls. Look for an update tomorrow.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
One Week of Silence
This week I am taking one week of silence from the world's clatter. All music, books, and media I watch, read, or listen to from today to Sunday will be spiritual in nature, uplifting, and unoffensive. I'm so tired of filtering, tired of saying, "close your eyes kids!" I'm tired of trying to push scenes from my mind, the constant assault against goodness and purity I endure daily as I partake of the entertainment industry that has pushed its way into into my home.
Sweet silence. Sweet rest.
This desire came to me the other day when I got home from a movie I will not mention, that I felt I was tricked into seeing, and I was offended and insulted by its content. I then had a dream where I was screaming and ranting at someone for a choice I had made, blaming him, resenting him, working myself into a frenzy and frightening my children, losing my own self-respect. I awoke in the middle of the night, and wept bitter tears. I and no one else am responsible for my ALL my choices.
I remembered, like a distant dream, a time when I entered a place in my spiritual development where I felt the purity and peace Christ offers with such perfect intensity that I could not feel anger, resentment, or blame. In that place, I had only the desire to do good, to see good, and had no hint of desire to partake in anything unworthy of a saint. I felt an enormous sense of FREEDOM I could never have imagined. I cannot stress that enough! I felt as though I could fly! Really! I felt the deepest anguish for suffering and sins, and equally intense and thorough JOY for God and Love! I felt released from all burdens. Any troubles that came my way were easily handled, gently and simply, with all the effort of turning a head, or a releasing a warm smile. Perfect clarity of vision and thought. The clarity is physiological, so much that it appears to you that colors hold more vibrancy, shapes have more defined lines, your physical vision seems to improve, and your thoughts are orderly, without confusion or forgetfulness. Things that once were old and stale become new, exciting, and fascinating. This kind of experience can only be found when the Spirit of God is in you, driving you, and surrounding you. It is Heaven on Earth. Heaven in you. That is my goal this week. If I do not reach it, I will try again, and again, and again. I testify that it IS possible to reach your personal heaven now, it is not necessary to wait until after we die. In fact, it is crucial that we do not.
It requires a pure heart, it requires a deep, yearning desire, and willingness to surrender to God every moment of every day. It requires studying scripture intently, and avoiding any possible temptations to darken or confuse one's spirit. Love instead of anger, humility instead of indignation, kindness and mercy instead of impatience and irritation. To think of Christ, to focus on myself instead of judging others, reaching out to others in service and love.
The progress forward is easily lost, just one unkind word, one surrender to impatience or irritation, any degree of entertainment of non-virtuous or impure thoughts will hamper it. But if we are seeking constantly, to only do GOOD, we will have no desire for these things.
I recently heard a talk given, wherein the ability of Jesus Christ to remain unspotted by sin and darkness was looked at closely. The speaker reminded us of the scriptures all throughout the New and Old Testament, that speak of His temptations, which means he was absolutely free to choose sin (spiritual separation from God.) Yet he did not, as we so often do. How? The answer is revealed in the scriptures as well. "He went about doing good continually." He had the intense desire to always do good. That must be our desire as well, if we wish to follow His path.
THIS WEEK--Today
I will seek, pray, and study during all my free time. When I am not free to read or study or pray, I will work internally. I will not waste any time this week. He promises that "If ye seek me, ye shall find me."
This journey is impossible without deep humility. I cannot say, "I am so glad I don't have THOSE problems, and I don't make THOSE mistakes! I'm really doing pretty good compared to...(what I used to be, him or her, etc.)" Instead I must look without blinking at my own flaws, not even thinking of others' flaws. "I am nothing. I am pained by my sins, and all sin in general. I am flawed and weak. I have no strength of my own. I could not exist without His grace and mercy. I am SO unworthy of His love, and yet he gives it freely! My will does not matter, only His will. My wants are meaningless, only His matter. I do not want my wants. I want His wants. I am powerless against my addictions (can be TV, Internet, Food, Caffeine, you name it!) I give up! I, of my own free will and choice, give all I am--to HIM."
One of the most heartfelt pleas I have heard is A Call to Anguish by David Wilkerson. I ask you to ask yourself the questions posed there. Godly anguish is a clear first step, if we are ever to experience true joy. I hope this will have the effect on you it did on me, to shake you out of apathy and contentment, and give you a desire to mourn for your own sins and the sins of the world. "You allow HIM to melt and break you..." and if you have done this before, do it again! Do it again and again, and your heart will change within you. You will become an instrument in His hands. You will find a place of peace, rest, and rejoicing in Christ, which joy is always deepened by your anguish for sin.
I do not know if any of you have been to the place I'm speaking of. But I do know, and promise you that it is worth ANY effort you make to get there, even if you can't maintain it forever, just a small taste will be unforgettable, and you will strive your whole life to get back there. The memory will be an anchor, a constant fixed point you can use to gauge your decisions, and take your spiritual temperature. You will never forget, and there will be times you may say, how did I get there? You will feel homesick for it. You will mourn for it. You will feel lost without it, and beg Christ to help you back there. And when you find it again, it will be sweeter than you remembered, it will be as though you awoke from a very deep sleep, and you are now finally living! You will rejoice with all your heart, and you will bless others beyond your imagining.
The Children Will Know, and Thank You
Perhaps the sweetest reward of arriving in the place I speak is that you will be a catalyst to your children through this journey. Young children are so homesick for heaven, they will feel that touch of HOME immediately, and rejoice! Their mouths will be loosed, their faces will beam with an almost visible light, joy will pour from them, as they speak things so profound you will be astonished, afraid to speak, lest you spoil the moment with your unworthy words.
This was our experience, and it is beyond description. You will see them as wise, privy to knowledge and understanding you do not have, and it will humble you further. It will effect them in ways they will remember for a lifetime.
click here for Heavenly Music
OH, I wish I had the words to adequately describe it--the purity, the freedom, the overpowering joy! The sweet, sweet feeling of ultimate rest, the calm assurance, the LOVE, the cleanliness, the PEACE. It is available to us ALL!! We can begin TODAY. I choose THIS day, to strive for Heaven.
"Remember that the only REAL control in life is Self-Control."
-Jeffery R. Holland
Sweet silence. Sweet rest.
I remembered, like a distant dream, a time when I entered a place in my spiritual development where I felt the purity and peace Christ offers with such perfect intensity that I could not feel anger, resentment, or blame. In that place, I had only the desire to do good, to see good, and had no hint of desire to partake in anything unworthy of a saint. I felt an enormous sense of FREEDOM I could never have imagined. I cannot stress that enough! I felt as though I could fly! Really! I felt the deepest anguish for suffering and sins, and equally intense and thorough JOY for God and Love! I felt released from all burdens. Any troubles that came my way were easily handled, gently and simply, with all the effort of turning a head, or a releasing a warm smile. Perfect clarity of vision and thought. The clarity is physiological, so much that it appears to you that colors hold more vibrancy, shapes have more defined lines, your physical vision seems to improve, and your thoughts are orderly, without confusion or forgetfulness. Things that once were old and stale become new, exciting, and fascinating. This kind of experience can only be found when the Spirit of God is in you, driving you, and surrounding you. It is Heaven on Earth. Heaven in you. That is my goal this week. If I do not reach it, I will try again, and again, and again. I testify that it IS possible to reach your personal heaven now, it is not necessary to wait until after we die. In fact, it is crucial that we do not.
Who has not found the heavn' below
Will fail of it above,
For angels rent the house next ours
Wherever we remove.
-Emily Dickenson
HEAVEN is worth any effort to get to. The reward is worth any sacrifice! I promise you, He promises you, IT IS WORTH IT.It requires a pure heart, it requires a deep, yearning desire, and willingness to surrender to God every moment of every day. It requires studying scripture intently, and avoiding any possible temptations to darken or confuse one's spirit. Love instead of anger, humility instead of indignation, kindness and mercy instead of impatience and irritation. To think of Christ, to focus on myself instead of judging others, reaching out to others in service and love.
The progress forward is easily lost, just one unkind word, one surrender to impatience or irritation, any degree of entertainment of non-virtuous or impure thoughts will hamper it. But if we are seeking constantly, to only do GOOD, we will have no desire for these things.
I recently heard a talk given, wherein the ability of Jesus Christ to remain unspotted by sin and darkness was looked at closely. The speaker reminded us of the scriptures all throughout the New and Old Testament, that speak of His temptations, which means he was absolutely free to choose sin (spiritual separation from God.) Yet he did not, as we so often do. How? The answer is revealed in the scriptures as well. "He went about doing good continually." He had the intense desire to always do good. That must be our desire as well, if we wish to follow His path.
THIS WEEK--Today
I will seek, pray, and study during all my free time. When I am not free to read or study or pray, I will work internally. I will not waste any time this week. He promises that "If ye seek me, ye shall find me."
This journey is impossible without deep humility. I cannot say, "I am so glad I don't have THOSE problems, and I don't make THOSE mistakes! I'm really doing pretty good compared to...(what I used to be, him or her, etc.)" Instead I must look without blinking at my own flaws, not even thinking of others' flaws. "I am nothing. I am pained by my sins, and all sin in general. I am flawed and weak. I have no strength of my own. I could not exist without His grace and mercy. I am SO unworthy of His love, and yet he gives it freely! My will does not matter, only His will. My wants are meaningless, only His matter. I do not want my wants. I want His wants. I am powerless against my addictions (can be TV, Internet, Food, Caffeine, you name it!) I give up! I, of my own free will and choice, give all I am--to HIM."
One of the most heartfelt pleas I have heard is A Call to Anguish by David Wilkerson. I ask you to ask yourself the questions posed there. Godly anguish is a clear first step, if we are ever to experience true joy. I hope this will have the effect on you it did on me, to shake you out of apathy and contentment, and give you a desire to mourn for your own sins and the sins of the world. "You allow HIM to melt and break you..." and if you have done this before, do it again! Do it again and again, and your heart will change within you. You will become an instrument in His hands. You will find a place of peace, rest, and rejoicing in Christ, which joy is always deepened by your anguish for sin.
I do not know if any of you have been to the place I'm speaking of. But I do know, and promise you that it is worth ANY effort you make to get there, even if you can't maintain it forever, just a small taste will be unforgettable, and you will strive your whole life to get back there. The memory will be an anchor, a constant fixed point you can use to gauge your decisions, and take your spiritual temperature. You will never forget, and there will be times you may say, how did I get there? You will feel homesick for it. You will mourn for it. You will feel lost without it, and beg Christ to help you back there. And when you find it again, it will be sweeter than you remembered, it will be as though you awoke from a very deep sleep, and you are now finally living! You will rejoice with all your heart, and you will bless others beyond your imagining.
The Children Will Know, and Thank You
Perhaps the sweetest reward of arriving in the place I speak is that you will be a catalyst to your children through this journey. Young children are so homesick for heaven, they will feel that touch of HOME immediately, and rejoice! Their mouths will be loosed, their faces will beam with an almost visible light, joy will pour from them, as they speak things so profound you will be astonished, afraid to speak, lest you spoil the moment with your unworthy words.
This was our experience, and it is beyond description. You will see them as wise, privy to knowledge and understanding you do not have, and it will humble you further. It will effect them in ways they will remember for a lifetime.
click here for Heavenly Music
OH, I wish I had the words to adequately describe it--the purity, the freedom, the overpowering joy! The sweet, sweet feeling of ultimate rest, the calm assurance, the LOVE, the cleanliness, the PEACE. It is available to us ALL!! We can begin TODAY. I choose THIS day, to strive for Heaven.
"Remember that the only REAL control in life is Self-Control."
-Jeffery R. Holland
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Scream-Free
I recently allowed a teenage girl to help watch my kids while I got some things done. I was embarrassed and disturbed at how immature this girl was. It was like a magnifying mirror being held up so I could see how I look when I act like that at times. Whining at the kids, bossing them by raising her voice, telling them to "stop it!" constantly, getting madder and madder each time they did something she told them not to do, acting like they should obey her simply because she was bigger; all tell-tale signs of immaturity. She is a teenager. She's immature by nature. What's our excuse?
The children were uncomfortable and went about pushing the limits, trying to establish some sort of boundaries. She only saw what they were doing as a challenge to her authority, which she had never established in the first place. She was too lazy to come up with a suitable distraction or even a consequence for doing things that were off limit, so she just raised her voice and maintained, a constant, "I'm about to lose my temper if you do that again," kind of attitude. It's easy to see the flaw in someone else, harder to see in ourselves. One of my favorite posts, Response-Ability, draws a line between being Responsible, and Response-able. Both attributes go hand in hand. How do I respond when children want to exercise their own will? How do I go about motivating them to be responsible? Do I just boss them around? When I'm lazy, do I act like that immature teenage girl?
I told the girl at one point, "anything that gets an emotional rise out of you, they will do over and over again." Yet she still used her emotions to scold and try to control them negatively. Then I asked myself, 'do I do that?' 'Do I listen to my own advice?' I am so annoyed with this girl, but is it because I see myself in her? Is it really myself I'm irritated with?
I noticed that she would whip them up into a frenzy, being wild and encouraging them to run and scream , for about 5 minutes, and then she was done, and would then go about pushing them away, and yelling at them for taking it too far, as children always do. She couldn't seem to keep on an even keel at all, and so neither could they. By the end of the evening, my children were emotionally exhausted and frustrated. My daughter acted out the whole time, with a smile on her face, and then when we got in the car, she burst into tears. She needed the calm, controlled, security of someone she could trust.
Needless to say, teenagers are not going to be babysitting my kids anymore, even if I'm in the room. I am more determined than ever to be the emotional rock in my home, so that the children can not move me. I am in control of myself, and they can count on me. If I feel strongly about something, I will control that feeling so that I express it in a constructive way, not just explode when my "buttons are pushed" or other nonsense.
"Button Pushing" is my current pet peeve. It really 'pushes my buttons' when someone tells me someone is 'pushing their buttons!' Stop letting people control you! You are powerful enough to choose your own reactions! I can CHOOSE to bless someone who is cursing me. I can CHOOSE to show kindness when someone else is showing contempt. I can lower my voice when someone else is raising their voice. I can feel love for someone who is seething with hate. I CAN CHOOSE to smile warmly when someone is scowling or glaring at me. It is possible with all relationships, but it is especially crucial when dealing with children. When they are out of control they desperately need an example of disciplined self-control to fall into.
I renew this goal right now. I promise myself and my children, I will be the opposite of the immature teenager. I will be the rock they need, and I will never allow them to be at the mercy of such insecurity again. Cross my heart.
The children were uncomfortable and went about pushing the limits, trying to establish some sort of boundaries. She only saw what they were doing as a challenge to her authority, which she had never established in the first place. She was too lazy to come up with a suitable distraction or even a consequence for doing things that were off limit, so she just raised her voice and maintained, a constant, "I'm about to lose my temper if you do that again," kind of attitude. It's easy to see the flaw in someone else, harder to see in ourselves. One of my favorite posts, Response-Ability, draws a line between being Responsible, and Response-able. Both attributes go hand in hand. How do I respond when children want to exercise their own will? How do I go about motivating them to be responsible? Do I just boss them around? When I'm lazy, do I act like that immature teenage girl?
I told the girl at one point, "anything that gets an emotional rise out of you, they will do over and over again." Yet she still used her emotions to scold and try to control them negatively. Then I asked myself, 'do I do that?' 'Do I listen to my own advice?' I am so annoyed with this girl, but is it because I see myself in her? Is it really myself I'm irritated with?
I noticed that she would whip them up into a frenzy, being wild and encouraging them to run and scream , for about 5 minutes, and then she was done, and would then go about pushing them away, and yelling at them for taking it too far, as children always do. She couldn't seem to keep on an even keel at all, and so neither could they. By the end of the evening, my children were emotionally exhausted and frustrated. My daughter acted out the whole time, with a smile on her face, and then when we got in the car, she burst into tears. She needed the calm, controlled, security of someone she could trust.
Needless to say, teenagers are not going to be babysitting my kids anymore, even if I'm in the room. I am more determined than ever to be the emotional rock in my home, so that the children can not move me. I am in control of myself, and they can count on me. If I feel strongly about something, I will control that feeling so that I express it in a constructive way, not just explode when my "buttons are pushed" or other nonsense.
"Button Pushing" is my current pet peeve. It really 'pushes my buttons' when someone tells me someone is 'pushing their buttons!' Stop letting people control you! You are powerful enough to choose your own reactions! I can CHOOSE to bless someone who is cursing me. I can CHOOSE to show kindness when someone else is showing contempt. I can lower my voice when someone else is raising their voice. I can feel love for someone who is seething with hate. I CAN CHOOSE to smile warmly when someone is scowling or glaring at me. It is possible with all relationships, but it is especially crucial when dealing with children. When they are out of control they desperately need an example of disciplined self-control to fall into.
I renew this goal right now. I promise myself and my children, I will be the opposite of the immature teenager. I will be the rock they need, and I will never allow them to be at the mercy of such insecurity again. Cross my heart.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Rededicating Our Home
HENRY B. EYRING
First Counselor in the First Presidency
April 2010
"The best counsel for us to give young people is that they can arrive back to Heavenly Father only as they are guided and corrected by the Spirit of God. So if we are wise, we will encourage, praise, and exemplify everything which invites the companionship of the Holy Ghost. When they share with us what they are doing and feeling, we must ourselves have qualified for the Spirit. Then they will feel in our praise and our smiles the approval of God. And should we feel the need to give corrective counsel, they will feel our love and the love of God in it, not rebuke and rejection, which can permit Satan to lead them further away."
"The example they most need from us is to do what they must do. We need to pray for the gifts of the Spirit. We need to ponder in the scriptures and in the words of living prophets. We need to make plans which are not only wishes but covenants. And then we need to keep our promises to the Lord. And we need to lift others by sharing with them the blessings of the Atonement which have come in our lives."
Thomas S. Monson
October 2000
"As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield its contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book in the library of learning of our homes."
When my child emulates me, do I like what I see? Am I annoyed and embarrassed at what I see? My daughter Kaylee is the most determined of my children to become like me, and is the most defiant when it comes to obeying verbal commands. She insists that she be allowed to follow my example, not my words. Of course there are times when this causes problems, such as when she tries disciplining her brothers, using sharp knives, or using the stove. A 6-yr-old is simply not equipped to do these things. Yet she feels entitled to learn from my example. Do I use the knife carefully? Do I use the stove responsibly? Do I discipline with love? 
There are many tragic times I wish I could take back my actions and words as soon as I see them repeated. So much we do is hurtful and harsh. Harshness is never ever necessary, but it is always hurtful. Let me repeat that, because it is something I've learned later in life, and it goes against what many believe, but is crucial to understand when searching for a more "peaceful way" to parent. It is NEVER ever necessary to be harsh or hurtful to anyone, least of all, children. The strictest discipline can be done with a spirit of love and compassion, with patience and good will. We can see the children as our equals, and teach them as one equal teaching another. It is not necessary to break them. It is not helpful to waste their early childhood puffing ourselves up to be infallible, angry gods who constantly disapprove of them.
What can you do if, like me, you find yourself guilty of the above and want to change? We, all of us can pray fervently for help, forgiveness, and for the children we have hurt. We can struggle and cry, and ask God for the ability to feel their pain, so that we can be in no doubt of every bit of the consequences of our actions. We can beg and plead with our Heavenly Father to open our eyes, and open our hearts, and through Christ, cleanse us of the desire to hurt. We can beg that Christ will intervene, so the child will not suffer long for our sin, and we can ask for their forgiveness, and the forgiveness of our God.
We can breathe, count to ten, say a prayer, cry, or do jumping jacks to keep from losing our temper. We can strive to be example-worthy in all our actions. We can maintain hope and confidence that our children will be able to grow into their best selves, even when they make mistakes. We can look at them as the best they can become, and see in them all the goodness of God. We can correct instead of criticizing. We can feed our Spirit, and qualify and pray for the gift of Charity.
Imagine if you will, a world of Christian love. If all people in the world had Charity for one another, there would be no suffering, no war, no unfed hunger, no untreated disease. There would be no hurtful crimes of any kind, no affairs, no unwanted children, no uncared for elderly, handicapped, or mentally ill. No one would be alone. No one would yell or hit another person in anger. This is a world worth striving for. This is MY dream, and it begins with me. It begins with you. It begins with little children.
"Happiness in family lifeis most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." ~ The Family: A Proclamation to the World ~
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
In the Spirit
Living in the Spirit, and living without the Spirit are like living in constant day or night. It is so easy for us parents to let time pass on autopilot. Perhaps we are deeply afraid of failure? So we immerse ourselves, or maybe our kids, in constant distractions and we don't have to focus on the things that we're anxious about. TV, computer, video games,even worthy things like school work, good books, church responsibilities and activities, hobbies and social events can be distractions. These things are fine to do occasionally, some even regularly. Just be aware that if you're not paying attention, you may become distracted from the things that matter most. You may find yourself unknowingly spiraling downward spiritually, emotionally, and eventually, physically and mentally, if you do not stop and give attention to the present things that are of most importance. Your spiritual strength, your children's spiritual strength, your relationship with your spouse and children, relationships with all friends and family. But when you're living, breathing, and walking in the Spirit, you will your family's worthy activities will change from a distraction to an enrichment, and your success will be magnified, while the unworthy distractions will lose their strength of attraction.
Yesterday I spent all day going from one distraction to the next, when I decided to stop and feed my spirit. It was just about an hour before bedtime. My kids hadn't listened all day, I was discouraged, and I didn't feel like doing the laundry or other things I knew I should do. I guess I just had an off-day. But then, as my spirit was being nourished, I started to feel it. It was gradual; a slow warming, an opening of the eyes; a drink of cool water; a coming-home feeling. This occurred as I listened to a talk about finding happiness, and felt the spirit in the talk. I didn't hear all of it, but the spirit still entered the home.
I know because not only could I feel it, but my son came in and asked what I was listening to. He is only four, but he decided to listen too. He asked some questions, and suddenly, my efforts to communicate were not frustrating as they had been all day, it was easy! The words just rolled off my tongue effortlessly, because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying, I was letting the Spirit speak. My son could hear and understand, unlike earlier in the day, when he just tuned me out. Then my daughter came in. Same story. Several things I'd been trying to get through to her suddenly broke through without effort. The walls between us fell, and we were able to bask in the love and understanding we felt. My littlest one came in and it was the same experience for a third time. I'm sure many of you out there have had moments like this, when the Spirit bridges the gaps and you're amazed at how easy that was!
The truth is, it doesn't have to be a moment here or there that we have help from the Spirit. Living in the Spirit can be the norm. We can live so the off-moments are the rare ones, not the other way around. I have lived this way before, and I know I can live it again.
Monday, December 20, 2010
A Mortal Experience
Today a teacher asked a question that I've heard before, but needed to hear again. She asked, "Do you FEEL as though you are a Human being, who occasionally has spiritual experiences, or do you FEEL as though you were a spiritual being, having a mortal experience?"
I have always heard that question as a sort of trivia question. I always knew the right answer, so I just answered correctly, and went on. But today I realized the question is about how we FEEL. There is no right answer! So today this thought was heavy on my mind: Perhaps I know better, but am I feeling like the cares and concerns of this life are all that matter? Am I thinking about the larger picture at all? Do I feel my own eternal spirit inside me, ancient and yearning for growth? Do I see it in my children?
Last night I put my kids to bed. I read them stories, I told them a scripture story, I prayed with them, and then I got ready to leave. Kaylee was feeling insecure and asked me to stay a little longer. I was tired, but I agreed, having a feeling she was only asking for what she needed. She asked if we could sing a song together. ''I Know That My Savior Loves Me." As we sang together, our voices blending, and our hearts open, we looked into each other's eyes. We felt the spirit of that beautiful song. I saw her singing with all her heart, as a testimony of her true belief and hope. I admired her simple yet undying faith. Her spirit seemed to rise and take comfort in those meaningful words.
She began to change shape before me. First, she was a baby again, so little, so innocent, so hopeful, and then she was an angel, trusting in her God with all her heart. I saw such purity that I was ashamed to meet her eyes. I saw such power that I felt weak to my knees. I forced myself to look into her eyes again. I needed to see what was in there. I saw such love and goodness that I wanted to hide. I smiled lovingly into her eyes, but deep down I wanted to curl up and cry and beg her forgiveness that I ever lost patience with her. I was ashamed that I ever didn't see her for who she really was. I was embarrassed and sorry that I ever yelled or got irritated with such a beautiful daughter of God. I told her what I saw. I prayed with her right then, that she and I would help each other grow, and that as she did, that she would look to her Savior for her perfect example, and I would too. I do not want to be the authority figure in my home anymore. I want it to be Him.
Deepak Chopra, in his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents:
"I was the daddy, and they were the kids. But there have been other, rarer moments when the whole facade fell away. I've seen my son give me a glance that said, 'Here we are again. What an interesting game we're playing this time.' I've seen my daughter smile in such a way that I just knew she was on the verge of laughing out loud at the masks we have put on to keep our roles alive.
"In those precious glances and smiles I felt the bond of innocence, which is more powerful than love because it transcends love. Instead of just being here as a unit with its own private triumphs and failures, every family is a communion of souls. What we have in common isn't where we live...We are sailing the seas of immortality together--that is the real bond. When you can see past the role playing and still act your role with love and dedication, then I believe you are truly spiritual in your approach to parenting."
He also explains, "I don't look upon spiritual law as optional--this is how the universe works as it unfolds from pure, unmanifest Being to the infinite variety of the created world." How true that is! This is not some gimmick to try, or some parenting tricks to use on your kids to get them to obey. When we understand ourselves and our families in context of our spiritual roles, our lives and the part that we play comes into the correct perspective. We, and all our associations begin to change at the core.
If you feel mortal and occasionally seek some spiritual uplift, you are not alone. I have been the same way. But to live in the Spirit is to feel immortal and understand that for the moment we must care for mortal things. The two perspectives are actually opposite.
Chopra, pg. 154 " Parents are used to being the authority figures. As such, we are above and beyond our children--smarter, more powerful, more experienced, in command of money and property. From this position of authority, parents have been able to pass judgement, to inflict punishment, to lay down rules of right and wrong, and to do so with a clear sense of duty and purpose.
"This book has outlined a different duty and purpose. In this...vision, a parent isn't an authority. You and your child are both souls; you are both embarked on the journey of soul-making. The only difference is the roles you have chosen. All souls are immortal; they cannot be created or destroyed. But we choose temporary roles to play.
"The most good you can do for yourself spiritually is to play your role as parent with total love, conviction, and purpose...This role will uplift and inspire you more than any other. The same is true for your child...your child has decided to be a weak, vulnerable infant...And yet both of you, if you strip away the role playing, are pure souls, equal as one. Innocence enables you to see this, to play the role yet go beyond it."
As I write this, I know there are going to be many who read this and fight against this notion. I know there will be some who will be offended at their authority being challenged. I get that. I feel it too a little. When I abdicate authority to God, I become I child too. We, my children and me, become siblings of our Father in Heaven, striving together to become what He wants us to be. Then my efforts to teach them become acts of Charity, not assertion of my authority. I of myself have no authority, I am only acting in His name.
These are the thoughts that are coming to me, I feel, as answer to many prayers, in order to help me along this process of a change of heart and soul.
Step ONE: Become my child's equal, and lead out from compassion, not pride, fear, anxiety, or selfish desire.
"All men [women and children] are created equal."
"God is no respecter of persons."
Pride is the trap easiest to fall into.
When I think of my children as immortal and eternal souls, equal to myself, the fight goes out of me. The anger, the frustration and the need to control dissipates, while love, acceptance, wonder and innocence slip reverently in.
Thomas S. Monson quoted in October 2001: "Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of Great Britain, expressed the profound philosophy: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of the society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”
Monson continues: "There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals."
1Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the atemple of God, and that thebSpirit of God dwelleth cin you?
I add,...and in your children? The powerful spirit I saw in my daughter can never be forgotten. It is as though I saw God himself coming to the surface of my daughter's face. I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magnificent. I have never realized my own deep horror at the thought of meeting God face to face in my sinful state. I remember with tears that moment, such beauty that I could not fully look upon it. It is truly beyond words.
All young children possess the capacity to reflect God himself because they are without sin. Find it in a young child, and you too will never be the same.
I have always heard that question as a sort of trivia question. I always knew the right answer, so I just answered correctly, and went on. But today I realized the question is about how we FEEL. There is no right answer! So today this thought was heavy on my mind: Perhaps I know better, but am I feeling like the cares and concerns of this life are all that matter? Am I thinking about the larger picture at all? Do I feel my own eternal spirit inside me, ancient and yearning for growth? Do I see it in my children?
Last night I put my kids to bed. I read them stories, I told them a scripture story, I prayed with them, and then I got ready to leave. Kaylee was feeling insecure and asked me to stay a little longer. I was tired, but I agreed, having a feeling she was only asking for what she needed. She asked if we could sing a song together. ''I Know That My Savior Loves Me." As we sang together, our voices blending, and our hearts open, we looked into each other's eyes. We felt the spirit of that beautiful song. I saw her singing with all her heart, as a testimony of her true belief and hope. I admired her simple yet undying faith. Her spirit seemed to rise and take comfort in those meaningful words.
Deepak Chopra, in his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents:
"I was the daddy, and they were the kids. But there have been other, rarer moments when the whole facade fell away. I've seen my son give me a glance that said, 'Here we are again. What an interesting game we're playing this time.' I've seen my daughter smile in such a way that I just knew she was on the verge of laughing out loud at the masks we have put on to keep our roles alive.
"In those precious glances and smiles I felt the bond of innocence, which is more powerful than love because it transcends love. Instead of just being here as a unit with its own private triumphs and failures, every family is a communion of souls. What we have in common isn't where we live...We are sailing the seas of immortality together--that is the real bond. When you can see past the role playing and still act your role with love and dedication, then I believe you are truly spiritual in your approach to parenting."
He also explains, "I don't look upon spiritual law as optional--this is how the universe works as it unfolds from pure, unmanifest Being to the infinite variety of the created world." How true that is! This is not some gimmick to try, or some parenting tricks to use on your kids to get them to obey. When we understand ourselves and our families in context of our spiritual roles, our lives and the part that we play comes into the correct perspective. We, and all our associations begin to change at the core.
If you feel mortal and occasionally seek some spiritual uplift, you are not alone. I have been the same way. But to live in the Spirit is to feel immortal and understand that for the moment we must care for mortal things. The two perspectives are actually opposite.
Chopra, pg. 154 " Parents are used to being the authority figures. As such, we are above and beyond our children--smarter, more powerful, more experienced, in command of money and property. From this position of authority, parents have been able to pass judgement, to inflict punishment, to lay down rules of right and wrong, and to do so with a clear sense of duty and purpose.
"This book has outlined a different duty and purpose. In this...vision, a parent isn't an authority. You and your child are both souls; you are both embarked on the journey of soul-making. The only difference is the roles you have chosen. All souls are immortal; they cannot be created or destroyed. But we choose temporary roles to play.
"The most good you can do for yourself spiritually is to play your role as parent with total love, conviction, and purpose...This role will uplift and inspire you more than any other. The same is true for your child...your child has decided to be a weak, vulnerable infant...And yet both of you, if you strip away the role playing, are pure souls, equal as one. Innocence enables you to see this, to play the role yet go beyond it."As I write this, I know there are going to be many who read this and fight against this notion. I know there will be some who will be offended at their authority being challenged. I get that. I feel it too a little. When I abdicate authority to God, I become I child too. We, my children and me, become siblings of our Father in Heaven, striving together to become what He wants us to be. Then my efforts to teach them become acts of Charity, not assertion of my authority. I of myself have no authority, I am only acting in His name.
These are the thoughts that are coming to me, I feel, as answer to many prayers, in order to help me along this process of a change of heart and soul.
Step ONE: Become my child's equal, and lead out from compassion, not pride, fear, anxiety, or selfish desire.
"All men [women and children] are created equal."
"God is no respecter of persons."
Pride is the trap easiest to fall into.
When I think of my children as immortal and eternal souls, equal to myself, the fight goes out of me. The anger, the frustration and the need to control dissipates, while love, acceptance, wonder and innocence slip reverently in.
Thomas S. Monson quoted in October 2001: "Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of Great Britain, expressed the profound philosophy: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of the society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”
Monson continues: "There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals."
1Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the atemple of God, and that thebSpirit of God dwelleth cin you?
I add,...and in your children? The powerful spirit I saw in my daughter can never be forgotten. It is as though I saw God himself coming to the surface of my daughter's face. I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magnificent. I have never realized my own deep horror at the thought of meeting God face to face in my sinful state. I remember with tears that moment, such beauty that I could not fully look upon it. It is truly beyond words. All young children possess the capacity to reflect God himself because they are without sin. Find it in a young child, and you too will never be the same.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Is This Your Ideal Life?
In the book "It's All Too Much" by Peter Walsh, he asks you the reader to look around your home; ask yourself, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal life look like?"; then after the vision is crystal clear in your mind, clear away everything that doesn't fit into that ideal.
I would like to take that advice, and then take it one step further. For some, a TV in the bedroom is cluttering their ideal love life. For others, a lack of self control is preventing their ideal relationships. For still others, a lack of understanding or closeness to Spirit is hampering their ability to feel compassion and love for others. Each of us is unique, and our lives are all as imperfect and different as we are. But for all of us, a lack of attention and consistent work will result in chaos.
Acknowledging Weaknesses, Compensating For Them
I was looking around my house the other day, and I snapped. Have you ever done that? I was just walking around, tidying, and as I told my kids for the umpteenth time to pick up their toys. My daughter, the high-spirited one, tells me it's not her job, and I should just do it for her, and as I began to argue with her, I realized something very important. This is not the life I want. This is not how I want to spend my time. Peter Walsh's words came back to me like a roaring wave, and I snapped.
I went through the house gathering as many toys as I could find, even things that were put away, and I put them in the car. I got rid of many, many things my children claimed to love, yet showed no respect for, and I informed them they were all going to charity. I then went through my own things, starting with my shoes, and started throwing out and donating things I don't use and don't need. It felt so good! But something else was nagging at me that I couldn't quite pin down.
I got rid of about 90% of their toys, loved or not. You may think I'm nuts and say to yourself, "those poor kids!" That thought did run through my mind briefly, but I pushed it away. Christmas is next week. At least 30 more toys are about to enter our house, so these kids will be fine.
I know a great organizer. She fits a large amount of stuff into her dust-free home which has few closets, and large empty spaces. She is neat and tidy, with a place for everything, and everything in its place. She is also not me. I have no organization skills apart from occasional bursts of energy. I do not do well with daily maintenence. So to make up for that, I need less stuff. My goal here is not to tell you that you should get rid of all your kids' toys. I am attempting to make an analogy.
I filled up the entire car, and sent it away with my husband this morning. "Good riddance!" I thought to myself. Away went all the source of the contention and stress in my home, right?
Wrong
Today I thought would be a finishing day, of finally turning the house into "My ideal life." I was sure that the kids would be grateful not to be scolded for leaving their toys about. I was sure that this would be a good day.
Wrong
I dragged, humphed, and got highly irritated with my kids who fought nearly all day. My daughter even taught the 2-yr-old some new moves, such as how to scream, "I hate you!" and kicking me during a tantrum. It was when my daughter kicked me and ran to her room that I had to stop and ask myself once again, but this time with more thought, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal family look like?" I didn't have to imagine it, I just had to think back and remember. What was different back then? What was encroaching on that vision? What needed to be cleared away?
THE SOURCE
It was then that I realized that the toys, while they were cluttering up my home, my time, and my verbal commands, were not the SOURCE of the contention that has lately been sneaking into my home. I am thankful that they were not there to be blamed. This was not my children, or my husband, or simply life's hardships. This was my doing. I had lost my drive, my spirit, my intuition, my patience, and worst of all, my charity. I had changed, and so my family followed suit. It is time to apologize, and start again.
Reading My Own Blog
For the next little while, this blog will be centered around my attempts to change, to overcome negative reactions in mind, words, and body, and become positively pro-active, again. To help with that, I am going to be reading my own blog, along with the scriptures, church literature, uplifting and helpful books, and striving to live only the good, while clearing away the bad. This is where I will discover if my blog is actually helpful in helping someone change. If it is not, changes will be made. With God's help, I know I can do this. I know without a doubt that change is truly possible, with a confession, a desire to change, true sorrow, and a broken heart before God. I also know it will require Faith that my God is there, Hope that He will help me and that His help will be sufficient; and Charity, a gift of love that I must beg and pray and plead for, while allowing my heart to be open to it.
This blog isn't about me prostrating my life in front of everyone, setting up some sort of false ideal to be admired. This blog is about real change, and wanting (and believing) that change can be permanent, in favor of kindness, patience, love, and godliness. This blog is about beating family contention, and patterns of abuse, unkindness, impatience, neglect, and other mistreatments of children that are so often passed from generation to generation. This is me telling the world: I need to change too, and I know it's hard, and I know it seems impossible, because I feel all of those things! I have hope, because I have been there before, and I know I can be there again, with time, patience, and consistent daily effort. I will let you know about the tools that help the most, and the ones that don't. I will let you know how my family reacts, and most of all, all the inspirations that come to me during this process.
I will end with a heartfelt plea. If you are like me, PLEASE don't give up. Please don't give in. You have not failed if you have not lost hope. If you feel anger, resentment, frustration, and pain, you are not alone. If you feel hopeless, afraid, defeated, you are not alone. If you feel defensive, self-righteous, even confused, you are not alone. You are not alone. All of us need help. All of us need a change sometimes, and change begins with me.
I would like to take that advice, and then take it one step further. For some, a TV in the bedroom is cluttering their ideal love life. For others, a lack of self control is preventing their ideal relationships. For still others, a lack of understanding or closeness to Spirit is hampering their ability to feel compassion and love for others. Each of us is unique, and our lives are all as imperfect and different as we are. But for all of us, a lack of attention and consistent work will result in chaos.
Acknowledging Weaknesses, Compensating For Them
I was looking around my house the other day, and I snapped. Have you ever done that? I was just walking around, tidying, and as I told my kids for the umpteenth time to pick up their toys. My daughter, the high-spirited one, tells me it's not her job, and I should just do it for her, and as I began to argue with her, I realized something very important. This is not the life I want. This is not how I want to spend my time. Peter Walsh's words came back to me like a roaring wave, and I snapped.
I went through the house gathering as many toys as I could find, even things that were put away, and I put them in the car. I got rid of many, many things my children claimed to love, yet showed no respect for, and I informed them they were all going to charity. I then went through my own things, starting with my shoes, and started throwing out and donating things I don't use and don't need. It felt so good! But something else was nagging at me that I couldn't quite pin down.
I got rid of about 90% of their toys, loved or not. You may think I'm nuts and say to yourself, "those poor kids!" That thought did run through my mind briefly, but I pushed it away. Christmas is next week. At least 30 more toys are about to enter our house, so these kids will be fine.
I know a great organizer. She fits a large amount of stuff into her dust-free home which has few closets, and large empty spaces. She is neat and tidy, with a place for everything, and everything in its place. She is also not me. I have no organization skills apart from occasional bursts of energy. I do not do well with daily maintenence. So to make up for that, I need less stuff. My goal here is not to tell you that you should get rid of all your kids' toys. I am attempting to make an analogy.
I filled up the entire car, and sent it away with my husband this morning. "Good riddance!" I thought to myself. Away went all the source of the contention and stress in my home, right?
Wrong
Today I thought would be a finishing day, of finally turning the house into "My ideal life." I was sure that the kids would be grateful not to be scolded for leaving their toys about. I was sure that this would be a good day.
Wrong
I dragged, humphed, and got highly irritated with my kids who fought nearly all day. My daughter even taught the 2-yr-old some new moves, such as how to scream, "I hate you!" and kicking me during a tantrum. It was when my daughter kicked me and ran to her room that I had to stop and ask myself once again, but this time with more thought, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal family look like?" I didn't have to imagine it, I just had to think back and remember. What was different back then? What was encroaching on that vision? What needed to be cleared away?
THE SOURCE
It was then that I realized that the toys, while they were cluttering up my home, my time, and my verbal commands, were not the SOURCE of the contention that has lately been sneaking into my home. I am thankful that they were not there to be blamed. This was not my children, or my husband, or simply life's hardships. This was my doing. I had lost my drive, my spirit, my intuition, my patience, and worst of all, my charity. I had changed, and so my family followed suit. It is time to apologize, and start again.
Reading My Own Blog
For the next little while, this blog will be centered around my attempts to change, to overcome negative reactions in mind, words, and body, and become positively pro-active, again. To help with that, I am going to be reading my own blog, along with the scriptures, church literature, uplifting and helpful books, and striving to live only the good, while clearing away the bad. This is where I will discover if my blog is actually helpful in helping someone change. If it is not, changes will be made. With God's help, I know I can do this. I know without a doubt that change is truly possible, with a confession, a desire to change, true sorrow, and a broken heart before God. I also know it will require Faith that my God is there, Hope that He will help me and that His help will be sufficient; and Charity, a gift of love that I must beg and pray and plead for, while allowing my heart to be open to it.
This blog isn't about me prostrating my life in front of everyone, setting up some sort of false ideal to be admired. This blog is about real change, and wanting (and believing) that change can be permanent, in favor of kindness, patience, love, and godliness. This blog is about beating family contention, and patterns of abuse, unkindness, impatience, neglect, and other mistreatments of children that are so often passed from generation to generation. This is me telling the world: I need to change too, and I know it's hard, and I know it seems impossible, because I feel all of those things! I have hope, because I have been there before, and I know I can be there again, with time, patience, and consistent daily effort. I will let you know about the tools that help the most, and the ones that don't. I will let you know how my family reacts, and most of all, all the inspirations that come to me during this process.
I will end with a heartfelt plea. If you are like me, PLEASE don't give up. Please don't give in. You have not failed if you have not lost hope. If you feel anger, resentment, frustration, and pain, you are not alone. If you feel hopeless, afraid, defeated, you are not alone. If you feel defensive, self-righteous, even confused, you are not alone. You are not alone. All of us need help. All of us need a change sometimes, and change begins with me.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"I Need A Hug"
Dr. Jane Nelsen of positivedescipline.com writes in this article (click on the title for the link) about a soft approach to an out of control child. This particular approach may not work every time, or even more than once. But you and your child will never forget it.
A child is in the middle of a screaming tantrum. Father gets down and shouts, "I need a hug!" Child: "What?!?" Father: "I need a hug!" Child:"Now?!?" Father "Yes!" Child shrugs, "Okay" and hugs his father. The tension melts away, and father says, "Thanks, I needed that." Child says, "So did I." They can then deal with whatever started the tantrum after that, or not. Perhaps that is all that was needed.
The father above has taught his son several things in this moment. Here are just some that I thought of that his son learned:
1. His father loves him no matter what.
2. He, the son, can contribute to helping others, and that helping others also helps himself.
3. When people are upset, try pulling them closer instead of pushing them away. He now knows how that feels.
4. True love heals the hurt caused by anger.
The father above also learned several things in that moment:
1. He learned that he loves his son no matter what.
2. His son has a good heart, even when he's angry. He respects him for it.
3. Pull others close when they are angry, instead of pushing them away.
4. Holding his little boy close and feeling true love heals the hurt caused by anger.
Reading the above article I thought of the first time something like this happened with my daughter. I like remembering these things, because it's the only way I can make sure I don't ever forget!
My daughter was screaming, thrashing, shouting obscenities, and I was at a loss. The overwhelming feeling came over me; 'She is doing this because she doesn't feel loved.' I got down on the floor and shouted over her screams, "Do you think I don't love you?!" She quieted down and stared at me. I said more softly, "Are you really angry because you don't think I love you very much?" She started to cry real tears, pain and deep-felt hurt pouring out of her. I hugged her tightly, and through my own tears I cried to her, "I love you more than anything! You are my baby girl, and you always will be. You changed my life. You are my angel!" We sat on the floor and cried, and I felt her pain. I felt my own pain. I promised myself that things would be different from then on.
I don't know if my daughter remembers that day, but I know I will never forget. It was one of the first turning points for us--when I started realizing that love conquers all, not pain and shame. I pray I will never forget. I pray that I will remember how I felt before and after that moment. I pray that I will remember her face, and the pain that came pouring out of her, so much hurt, all caused by my negative discipline. Maybe I didn't beat my kids (except for spanking,) I didn't hit them with anything, no bruises (besides on their backsides,) but I controlled them (or tried to control them) using fear, intimidation, shame, and apathy. I didn't look ahead, I just tried to get through the moment, hoping that somehow, some way, things would get better. All my discipline was centered on immediate control, not long-term goals. It hurt. It hurt them- it hurt me- it hurt my spouse. It was wrong. It felt wrong. I just didn't know what else to do. Now I do know what else to do. I have given myself permission to use Christ's teachings in my home to teach discipline to my children, and myself. Self-discipline is contagious. The children learn it by watching. They also learn the opposite by watching. Am I ready to be the grown-up and make a choice? Am I ready to learn, for the sake of my family, how to be a true Christian?
The root of the word "discipline" is "disciple". I ought to BE Christ. I am the body of Christ, as are all his disciples, so how would Christ treat my children? If he were in my place, would he spank them? Would he shame them? Would he try to break their will? I can only know the answers as I learn more about Him. Simply remembering Him and how He feels, helps me see things differently. I want to be patient, I want to be kind, I want to show mercy and love. This is the reason for this blog--to make sure I keep remembering.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Celebrate Calm Stop Defiance Live Event in Fairfax County, VA
My kids ate WAY too much sugar a few weeks ago. They ran around crazy, screaming, not listening to anything I said, and I started to lose it. I know better, and I know how to do this correctly, but that night, the truth is, I too had eaten WAY too much sugar myself, and I did not feel completely in control of myself. So my husband comes home to find me yelling at the kids to "CALM DOWN! YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!!" (The irony of which they of course picked up on.)
He did not say anything to me right then, he just went in the room, and let me go back and forth from the bedroom where I yelled at him about the kids, to the rest of the house, where I yelled at the kids. He looked at me with pain in his face, but said nothing. I raged even more, because I thought he was no help at all! Had I been thinking clearly, I would have realized that he wanted nothing to do with my anxiety, and neither did my kids.
Finally I realized that my anger was escalating, and I locked the kids in their room to bounce off the walls in there, while I washed the dishes. (Locking them in their room is not a principle of attachment parenting, but neither is yelling. I just needed a few minutes of peace to get control of myself.) So as I did the dishes, my husband comes up behind me, and gently, with a warm smile, starts stroking my back. He says with a smile, "Are we going to become a screaming family now?" We laugh a little. I feel the muscles in my back begin to unwind. Without saying anything else, offers me unspoken words of love in his gentle touch, and I can't hold back a return smile.
His calm was contagious. I immediately felt humility returning to my soul, and remorse begin to set in. He made me feel like the luckiest wife on Earth in that moment.
I think that's how God reprimands us. He lets us feel the difference between what we're choosing, and what He is choosing, and gives us the space to come into His calm if we choose-- to choose love instead of rage-- to chose self-control instead of controlling others. His way is the way of closeness, the way of kindness, the way of self-mastery, and most of all, choice. I chose a different evening, and apologized to my children. I chose love.
I choose love.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Every Girl Deserves a Father
7 years ago this week, I stood in the hallway of a church in a long, flowing white dress. Its train was carefully jeweled with pearls and tiny roses, each sewn carefully by hand. My blonde hair had been bundled on top of my head, while my ringlets gently kissed the back of my neck as they brushed from side to side. A pearled tiara held in place a veil, which flowed gracefully down my back, tied on each side by ribbon. My hands held the most beautiful flowers I could imagine, white water lilies, nestled in ivy and baby's breath. My bride's maids stood in front of me, their yellow and green shimmering dresses I had carefully chosen.
My father stood by my side. In his shadow, I looked up at this giant's towering frame, wondering if my husband would ever become the man I saw my father become. I felt secure with my father's arm in mine. I knew I was loved, and always would be, by this man I still called, "Daddy." Then it hit me.
I was walking into the unknown, about to be bound to a man I barely knew! I forgot the two years I had spent learning to love with Kevin, and suddenly I felt as though I were at the precipice of a cliff. My heart began to race, panic set in, and I started to uncontrollably cry. This was moments before I was to enter the chapel. It was all wrong! I was supposed to marry in the Temple, not a church. I was supposed to marry a dancer who loved poetry! Kevin hated poetry! He worked with his hands, not his feet! Worst of all, I had seen Kevin get angry, and I didn't like what I saw. I had seen myself get angry, and I knew he wouldn't like what he would see. I turned to look at my father, pleading silently, what should I do?
My dad looked through my fear to my heart, and smiled warmly. He kissed my head, and said gently, "I know. It's okay. You're doing the right thing." He placed his enormous hand on the small of my back, and led me into the room of the church. We walked an eternity, the 300 or so pairs of eyes were all warm and loving to me. I hung subtly to Daddy's arm, a rock, firmly lifting my own. Each step toward the front of the church calmed a few more of my fears. I was walking into a warm embrace. I looked only briefly at my mother, I was afraid she would make me cry. But I could feel my parents smiling at me. I could feel their love and support. I knew that no matter what, they would help me in this next phase of my life. When my father let go, the thought occurred to me, "I could run now, and no one would stop me." But I stayed, because as I looked into the kind eyes of my soon-to-be husband, I could feel my father's confidence, and I knew that I could love, because first, I was loved.
My father stood by my side. In his shadow, I looked up at this giant's towering frame, wondering if my husband would ever become the man I saw my father become. I felt secure with my father's arm in mine. I knew I was loved, and always would be, by this man I still called, "Daddy." Then it hit me.
I was walking into the unknown, about to be bound to a man I barely knew! I forgot the two years I had spent learning to love with Kevin, and suddenly I felt as though I were at the precipice of a cliff. My heart began to race, panic set in, and I started to uncontrollably cry. This was moments before I was to enter the chapel. It was all wrong! I was supposed to marry in the Temple, not a church. I was supposed to marry a dancer who loved poetry! Kevin hated poetry! He worked with his hands, not his feet! Worst of all, I had seen Kevin get angry, and I didn't like what I saw. I had seen myself get angry, and I knew he wouldn't like what he would see. I turned to look at my father, pleading silently, what should I do?
My dad looked through my fear to my heart, and smiled warmly. He kissed my head, and said gently, "I know. It's okay. You're doing the right thing." He placed his enormous hand on the small of my back, and led me into the room of the church. We walked an eternity, the 300 or so pairs of eyes were all warm and loving to me. I hung subtly to Daddy's arm, a rock, firmly lifting my own. Each step toward the front of the church calmed a few more of my fears. I was walking into a warm embrace. I looked only briefly at my mother, I was afraid she would make me cry. But I could feel my parents smiling at me. I could feel their love and support. I knew that no matter what, they would help me in this next phase of my life. When my father let go, the thought occurred to me, "I could run now, and no one would stop me." But I stayed, because as I looked into the kind eyes of my soon-to-be husband, I could feel my father's confidence, and I knew that I could love, because first, I was loved.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Real Change Is Possible!
One of my favorite Celebrate Calm newsletters is: "2 phrases that destroy our kids/students" This little bit of understanding is what really stopped me in my tracks, and turned me around to the right direction
1st Destroying Phrase:
"1. Shaking our heads in disgust, constant negativity, "You'll never...". To my shame, this is how I communicated with Casey for the first 10 years of his life. I thought it would somehow magically motivate him to change his behavior."
This goes for marriages as well!! It includes sarcasm, rolling eyes, sighs of exasperation, and little phrases like, "yeah, just like you always do," and "I should've known," or "what NOW?" These are things I used to think of as just personality traits; things that make us who we are. But now I realize they are really bad habits that hurt and destroy others, especially tender little ones. Who we are is not as important as who we want to be, and who we want to be is not as important as who God wants us to be. So the first step in improving our relationships is to eliminate the attitude.
Are you trying to improve your family? We have been there! I'm going to weave in here two steps that are great first steps that worked for us, and many others. All of the advice is not my own, but comes from knowledge gained from Celebrate Calm's Kirk and Casey Martin.
STEP 1 toward improving family relationships (We did this : Apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses for the destroying attitudes and phrases you have used; then discontinue using them.
OUCH! Right? It's time to be brave. The first part of the step, "apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses" is really scary, and sometimes people try to skip it, or sneak in some excuses. But it is crucial to apologize with no excuses, and no finger-pointing. Without this act, you are not going to achieve the respect of your kids and spouse. Without it, you are not admitting accountability, your family will not hold you to a higher standard, and will be more likely to slip back into your old habits.
You are thinking right now, "But I'm not the only one in my family doing this!" I know. That's okay. Take accountability for your part. Don't worry about their part. They will learn from your example, and you may be surprised at the apologies that start coming your way, probably not at first, but eventually, as they see you begin to change, and they want that for themselves.
Negative thoughts, words, and behavior effects us and others down to the very molecular structure. "A Soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. " Proverbs 15:1.
The second part of Step 1, "discontinue using [the destroying phrases]" is not a matter of enduring, really, but changing yourself at the core. Kirk suggests one way to start ridding your family of these habits is to introduce a new one. For example: Say 5 positive things about someone every time you point out a negative. Make it a family rule. When putting this into practice, you discover that the negative starts to pale, and you see the person in a more positive light. They are able to see that you have love and appreciation for them, and they in turn have more hope, and are more likely to improve their behavior. Pretty soon, you start to overlook negative things, as the positive things are much more important to you. This really works on the thought level as well. If you're only thinking a negative thought, but haven't said it, try thinking about positives. In the begining, many of my positives were, "he's a child of a loving God." "Jesus Christ knows him personally, and knows his potential." If there were nothing else I could think of, I could always fall back on God. I did this with my kids and my spouse.
The Second destroying phrase that Kirk speaks of leads to step 2 in improving our families:
Destroying Phrase:
"# 2 "If you would just apply yourself more..." "If she would put forth more effort..."
When I hear those words, I cringe and my heart sinks. I know it's frustrating because we see very bright kids struggle with academics, behavior, etc. But why is our first assumption that it's only a matter of "applying yourself?" If it were that easy, don't you think our kids would do that in order to avoid harsh consequences?"
STEP 2 to improving your family relationships: Let go of negative assumptions.
Kirk: "Research shows disturbing health effects of stress and negativity: anxiety, lack of confidence, difficulty with social skills, lack of focus and attention in school, hypertension, aggression, damage to the part of the limbic brain responsible for learning and memory. This negativity and yelling damages our relationships with our kids, separating Moms and Dads from the kids they love. And none of us want that."
The greatest news in the world is that we have the power to change, and change the way others affect us, by choosing to think and feel proactively, not depending on others for our moods, and not letting their moods affect us. We are beings designed to act. Not to be acted upon. We can choose to praise, have compassion, have gratitude and unconditional love for others. We can choose to ask for these gifts from our Heavenly Father, and then do everything in our power to make that change.
The most important and the only longterm effective way to affect real change, is to allow your heart to break before God. Pray like your life depended on it, with all your heart and soul, with a willing heart and hands to do anything the Lord tells you to do. Then HE will change your heart, and open your eyes. The tools listed here are only surface steps that can help, and are only the outside appearance of true, honest, heartfelt repentance.
Here are the baby steps outlined by Kirk Martin. When you don't know what to do, or your child does something you disapprove of, ask yourself three questions:
"(1) What kind of tools can I provide the child to be successful? Please think tools. No child wants to fail; he usually needs tools. Does the student need more challenging work or is she overwhelmed? Does he need his brain stimulated in my class? Do I need to provide specific, concrete directions? There are dozens and dozens of very practical tools we can use to help our kids achieve consistently.
(2) How can I give this child some ownership or cultivate internal motivation by using the child's gifts and passions? We don't give kids control, but we do need to give them ownership. Otherwise, no amount of bribes or consequences will matter. How can you get your child/student involved using his talents?
(3) Is this about ME? How many times have we tried to make the issue about our kids' effort when their apparent failure is really about US? Are we embarrassed or frustrated by their actions? Are we anxious because we think they are going to fail in life? Have we set up impossible standards? Am I nervous because I am too responsible? Am I comparing this child unfairly to others? Am I projecting my own faults onto my child, afraid he's going to make the same mistakes as me?"
Kirk on looking at reality:
"Research also gives us hope: consistent discipline, modeling self-control and teaching kids to problem solve changes families. But science tells us that changing habits takes 30-45 days. Research proves that families who have ongoing help, who practice these new habits, achieve transformation every single time. Those who just say, "I'll try to do better" always fall into old habits...and nothing changes. Same reactivity, same yelling, same negativity."
Always remember that people can and do change! It is within our power to do so. In fact, it is in our very nature.
Above is a link to a talk given by Norman Doidge about "Brain Plasticity." He is a lead psycho analyst, who has achieved success in helping patients change thought patterns that would have been unimaginable years ago.
It is our thoughts that are our greatest enemy and our greatest ally. It is there that the change must begin, and that is the first benefit of prayer and meditation.
1st Destroying Phrase:
"1. Shaking our heads in disgust, constant negativity, "You'll never...". To my shame, this is how I communicated with Casey for the first 10 years of his life. I thought it would somehow magically motivate him to change his behavior."
This goes for marriages as well!! It includes sarcasm, rolling eyes, sighs of exasperation, and little phrases like, "yeah, just like you always do," and "I should've known," or "what NOW?" These are things I used to think of as just personality traits; things that make us who we are. But now I realize they are really bad habits that hurt and destroy others, especially tender little ones. Who we are is not as important as who we want to be, and who we want to be is not as important as who God wants us to be. So the first step in improving our relationships is to eliminate the attitude.
Are you trying to improve your family? We have been there! I'm going to weave in here two steps that are great first steps that worked for us, and many others. All of the advice is not my own, but comes from knowledge gained from Celebrate Calm's Kirk and Casey Martin.
STEP 1 toward improving family relationships (We did this : Apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses for the destroying attitudes and phrases you have used; then discontinue using them.
OUCH! Right? It's time to be brave. The first part of the step, "apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses" is really scary, and sometimes people try to skip it, or sneak in some excuses. But it is crucial to apologize with no excuses, and no finger-pointing. Without this act, you are not going to achieve the respect of your kids and spouse. Without it, you are not admitting accountability, your family will not hold you to a higher standard, and will be more likely to slip back into your old habits.
You are thinking right now, "But I'm not the only one in my family doing this!" I know. That's okay. Take accountability for your part. Don't worry about their part. They will learn from your example, and you may be surprised at the apologies that start coming your way, probably not at first, but eventually, as they see you begin to change, and they want that for themselves.
Negative thoughts, words, and behavior effects us and others down to the very molecular structure. "A Soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. " Proverbs 15:1.
The second part of Step 1, "discontinue using [the destroying phrases]" is not a matter of enduring, really, but changing yourself at the core. Kirk suggests one way to start ridding your family of these habits is to introduce a new one. For example: Say 5 positive things about someone every time you point out a negative. Make it a family rule. When putting this into practice, you discover that the negative starts to pale, and you see the person in a more positive light. They are able to see that you have love and appreciation for them, and they in turn have more hope, and are more likely to improve their behavior. Pretty soon, you start to overlook negative things, as the positive things are much more important to you. This really works on the thought level as well. If you're only thinking a negative thought, but haven't said it, try thinking about positives. In the begining, many of my positives were, "he's a child of a loving God." "Jesus Christ knows him personally, and knows his potential." If there were nothing else I could think of, I could always fall back on God. I did this with my kids and my spouse.
The Second destroying phrase that Kirk speaks of leads to step 2 in improving our families:
Destroying Phrase:
"# 2 "If you would just apply yourself more..." "If she would put forth more effort..."
When I hear those words, I cringe and my heart sinks. I know it's frustrating because we see very bright kids struggle with academics, behavior, etc. But why is our first assumption that it's only a matter of "applying yourself?" If it were that easy, don't you think our kids would do that in order to avoid harsh consequences?"
STEP 2 to improving your family relationships: Let go of negative assumptions.
Kirk: "Research shows disturbing health effects of stress and negativity: anxiety, lack of confidence, difficulty with social skills, lack of focus and attention in school, hypertension, aggression, damage to the part of the limbic brain responsible for learning and memory. This negativity and yelling damages our relationships with our kids, separating Moms and Dads from the kids they love. And none of us want that."
The greatest news in the world is that we have the power to change, and change the way others affect us, by choosing to think and feel proactively, not depending on others for our moods, and not letting their moods affect us. We are beings designed to act. Not to be acted upon. We can choose to praise, have compassion, have gratitude and unconditional love for others. We can choose to ask for these gifts from our Heavenly Father, and then do everything in our power to make that change.
The most important and the only longterm effective way to affect real change, is to allow your heart to break before God. Pray like your life depended on it, with all your heart and soul, with a willing heart and hands to do anything the Lord tells you to do. Then HE will change your heart, and open your eyes. The tools listed here are only surface steps that can help, and are only the outside appearance of true, honest, heartfelt repentance.
Here are the baby steps outlined by Kirk Martin. When you don't know what to do, or your child does something you disapprove of, ask yourself three questions:
"(1) What kind of tools can I provide the child to be successful? Please think tools. No child wants to fail; he usually needs tools. Does the student need more challenging work or is she overwhelmed? Does he need his brain stimulated in my class? Do I need to provide specific, concrete directions? There are dozens and dozens of very practical tools we can use to help our kids achieve consistently.
(2) How can I give this child some ownership or cultivate internal motivation by using the child's gifts and passions? We don't give kids control, but we do need to give them ownership. Otherwise, no amount of bribes or consequences will matter. How can you get your child/student involved using his talents?
(3) Is this about ME? How many times have we tried to make the issue about our kids' effort when their apparent failure is really about US? Are we embarrassed or frustrated by their actions? Are we anxious because we think they are going to fail in life? Have we set up impossible standards? Am I nervous because I am too responsible? Am I comparing this child unfairly to others? Am I projecting my own faults onto my child, afraid he's going to make the same mistakes as me?"
Kirk on looking at reality:
"Research also gives us hope: consistent discipline, modeling self-control and teaching kids to problem solve changes families. But science tells us that changing habits takes 30-45 days. Research proves that families who have ongoing help, who practice these new habits, achieve transformation every single time. Those who just say, "I'll try to do better" always fall into old habits...and nothing changes. Same reactivity, same yelling, same negativity."
Always remember that people can and do change! It is within our power to do so. In fact, it is in our very nature.
Above is a link to a talk given by Norman Doidge about "Brain Plasticity." He is a lead psycho analyst, who has achieved success in helping patients change thought patterns that would have been unimaginable years ago.
It is our thoughts that are our greatest enemy and our greatest ally. It is there that the change must begin, and that is the first benefit of prayer and meditation.
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