Rededicating Our Home

HENRY B. EYRING
First Counselor in the First Presidency
April 2010

"The best counsel for us to give young people is that they can arrive back to Heavenly Father only as they are guided and corrected by the Spirit of God. So if we are wise, we will encourage, praise, and exemplify everything which invites the companionship of the Holy Ghost. When they share with us what they are doing and feeling, we must ourselves have qualified for the Spirit. Then they will feel in our praise and our smiles the approval of God. And should we feel the need to give corrective counsel, they will feel our love and the love of God in it, not rebuke and rejection, which can permit Satan to lead them further away."

"The example they most need from us is to do what they must do. We need to pray for the gifts of the Spirit. We need to ponder in the scriptures and in the words of living prophets. We need to make plans which are not only wishes but covenants. And then we need to keep our promises to the Lord. And we need to lift others by sharing with them the blessings of the Atonement which have come in our lives."

Thomas S. Monson
October 2000


"As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield its contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book in the library of learning of our homes."

When my child emulates me, do I like what I see? Am I annoyed and embarrassed at what I see? My daughter Kaylee is the most determined of my children to become like me, and is the most defiant when it comes to obeying verbal commands. She insists that she be allowed to follow my example, not my words. Of course there are times when this causes problems, such as when she tries disciplining her brothers, using sharp knives, or using the stove. A 6-yr-old is simply not equipped to do these things. Yet she feels entitled to learn from my example. Do I use the knife carefully? Do I use the stove responsibly? Do I discipline with love?

There are many tragic times I wish I could take back my actions and words as soon as I see them repeated. So much we do is hurtful and harsh. Harshness is never ever necessary, but it is always hurtful. Let me repeat that, because it is something I've learned later in life, and it goes against what many believe, but is crucial to understand when searching for a more "peaceful way" to parent. It is NEVER ever necessary to be harsh or hurtful to anyone, least of all, children.

The strictest discipline can be done with a spirit of love and compassion, with patience and good will. We can see the children as our equals, and teach them as one equal teaching another. It is not necessary to break them. It is not helpful to waste their early childhood puffing ourselves up to be infallible, angry gods who constantly disapprove of them.

Children have tender feelings. You can't scorn a child, any child, and it not be felt deeply. They may keep a straight face, shrug it off, even smile; but your facial expression and your words will sink far down into their psyche, and they will not be able to forget your opinion of them. It will become a part of their self-talk, and it will take years of struggling for them to overcome your hurt. It only takes once. Remember? How many times have you done this to a child? How many times a day?

What can you do if, like me, you find yourself guilty of the above and want to change? We, all of us can pray fervently for help, forgiveness, and for the children we have hurt. We can struggle and cry, and ask God for the ability to feel their pain, so that we can be in no doubt of every bit of the consequences of our actions. We can beg and plead with our Heavenly Father to open our eyes, and open our hearts, and through Christ, cleanse us of the desire to hurt. We can beg that Christ will intervene, so the child will not suffer long for our sin, and we can ask for their forgiveness, and the forgiveness of our God.

We can breathe, count to ten, say a prayer, cry, or do jumping jacks to keep from losing our temper. We can strive to be example-worthy in all our actions. We can maintain hope and confidence that our children will be able to grow into their best selves, even when they make mistakes. We can look at them as the best they can become, and see in them all the goodness of God. We can correct instead of criticizing. We can feed our Spirit, and qualify and pray for the gift of Charity.

Imagine if you will, a world of Christian love. If all people in the world had Charity for one another, there would be no suffering, no war, no unfed hunger, no untreated disease. There would be no hurtful crimes of any kind, no affairs, no unwanted children, no uncared for elderly, handicapped, or mentally ill. No one would be alone. No one would yell or hit another person in anger. This is a world worth striving for. This is MY dream, and it begins with me. It begins with you. It begins with little children.

"Happiness in family lifeis most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." ~ The Family: A Proclamation to the World ~

Little Children

In the Spirit

Living in the Spirit, and living without the Spirit are like living in constant day or night. It is so easy for us parents to let time pass on autopilot. Perhaps we are deeply afraid of failure? So we immerse ourselves, or maybe our kids, in constant distractions and we don't have to focus on the things that we're anxious about. TV, computer, video games,even worthy things like school work, good books, church responsibilities and activities, hobbies and social events can be distractions. These things are fine to do occasionally, some even regularly. Just be aware that if you're not paying attention, you may become distracted from the things that matter most. You may find yourself unknowingly spiraling downward spiritually, emotionally, and eventually, physically and mentally, if you do not stop and give attention to the present things that are of most importance. Your spiritual strength, your children's spiritual strength, your relationship with your spouse and children, relationships with all friends and family. But when you're living, breathing, and walking in the Spirit, you will your family's worthy activities will change from a distraction to an enrichment, and your success will be magnified, while the unworthy distractions will lose their strength of attraction.

Yesterday I spent all day going from one distraction to the next, when I decided to stop and feed my spirit. It was just about an hour before bedtime. My kids hadn't listened all day, I was discouraged, and I didn't feel like doing the laundry or other things I knew I should do. I guess I just had an off-day. But then, as my spirit was being nourished, I started to feel it. It was gradual; a slow warming, an opening of the eyes; a drink of cool water; a coming-home feeling. This occurred as I listened to a talk about finding happiness, and felt the spirit in the talk. I didn't hear all of it, but the spirit still entered the home.

I know because not only could I feel it, but my son came in and asked what I was listening to. He is only four, but he decided to listen too. He asked some questions, and suddenly, my efforts to communicate were not frustrating as they had been all day, it was easy! The words just rolled off my tongue effortlessly, because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying, I was letting the Spirit speak. My son could hear and understand, unlike earlier in the day, when he just tuned me out. Then my daughter came in. Same story. Several things I'd been trying to get through to her suddenly broke through without effort. The walls between us fell, and we were able to bask in the love and understanding we felt. My littlest one came in and it was the same experience for a third time. I'm sure many of you out there have had moments like this, when the Spirit bridges the gaps and you're amazed at how easy that was!

The truth is, it doesn't have to be a moment here or there that we have help from the Spirit. Living in the Spirit can be the norm. We can live so the off-moments are the rare ones, not the other way around. I have lived this way before, and I know I can live it again.

Today Kaylee locked herself in the bathroom, and then called me to come wipe her. She refuses to learn to wipe yet. It's gross, and she won't do it, she says. In the past, I've been willing to find a nail, unlock the door, and do her dirty work, telling her each time that it's about time she learn to do this herself. This time, I didn't want to. I told her she would have to do it herself, and I refused to go in. She sat in the bathroom for about 30 minutes, begging, crying, waiting, and wailing.

“Mommy! Please! Won't you please come take care of me? You have to take care of me, you're my Mommy!  Will nobody take care of me? Daddy? Daddy!! Can't you come wipe me?  Daddy!!”

“Mommy! If you don't come wipe me, I will be stuck here forever! Whaaa...”

“Mommy, if I am stuck here forever, I will die! Do you want me to die? Whaaa”

Through tears: “I think that nobody cares about me!”

“Help me somebody! Please!”

Then pleading, “JESUS!! HELP ME!”

That's when I finally caved. Wouldn't you? I guess she'll learn eventually, right? How could I let her pleas to heaven go unanswered? Some day she'll learn all about how God helps us in his own time and way, and how sometimes he lets us struggle on our own for our own good, but that's a hard lesson to learn, and it tries the faith of many an adult. I just want her to know that Mom is her personal angel, the hands of Christ in her life. So phewy! The child still hasn't learned to wipe herself!

We never know, do we, if we're doing things right?  We don't really know if we're being too soft, or too harsh, too unyielding, or too flexible?  So much depends on our success, and so much depends on their success.  All I can hope is that He will come help her when she's trying to overcome the mistakes I make daily.  I guess we all have that right to call on Him for that.  Aren't we blessed to have that safety net?

If you've never been thrown up on, you're probably not a mom

"I Frowed up Mommy."  

The human body is full of many wonders and miracles.  One of those is its ability to fight off pathogens that seek to destroy it.  If a pathogen is found, and its design signals the body to purge the stomach in defense, we are presented with the contents of the stomach.  Again, and again, and again.  We can learn about it, hear about it, but until you have had the contents of someone else's stomach ejected onto you (and furniture and carpet,) the true depth of the experience will not be understood.  

There is a series of reactions we go through when it happens the first time. 

Disbelief:  "That did not just happen!!"

The internal "Ick" Factor:  "Nasty! Gross! Ugh! Get it off! Ew! Ew! Ew!"

Confusion:  "How am I supposed to clean this up?"

Whine:  "I want MY mommy!"

Action:  "I guess I'll get the paper towels...Pine Sol, spray Lysol,Windex, scrub brush, towels..."

Then back to "Ick":  "I don't want to touch that!!"  Fighting the gag reflex as you get elbow deep in the stuff despite your best efforts to remain unsoiled or to avoid further soiling.  

Resignation: "This is the situation, I will do what it takes to remedy it."

With each successive time, each reaction begins to fade or slow down, and eventually, thankfully, only Resignation is left.  Once we process our reactions, we can start to feel compassion, pity, empathy, and even sorrow for the sick person.  We begin to think clearly, plan ahead for the next time, and even take time out for some hugs and snuggling, yes, even sick people, need hugs, and if you're a mom who won't hug her sick children for fear of getting sick, shame on you!  Courage is a necessary ingredient of parenting.  Another necessary ingredient is an immune supplement, like Airborne, Emergen-C, Zicam, Echinacea, or dozens other virus-fighting products and herbs, like garlic, or zinc, or vitamin D.  So do take care of yourself, but also, be there for your kids.

To all you moms who have held a sick baby, I applaud you!  To all you moms who don't react with disgust to their throw-up anymore, because you've allowed yourself to experience it enough times, Thank You!  You are a champion to your children, and an example they will never forget!  You are not sacrificing for them, you are rising up to meet their needs, and you are rising in the process!  You are a Hero.  You are a Saint.  You are being blessed in ways you cannot imagine.  Good job!

If you are anyone who cleans the bodily excretions and fluids of anyone else, be it the elderly, the infirm, the handicapped, or children, THANK YOU.  You deserve all the praise this world can offer.  You are growing in ways you can't imagine, more and more each time.  You are a blessing; an instrument in God's hands, and you are so dearly appreciated, if not by the recipient, then by your Father in Heaven.  May God continue to bless you.

A Mortal Experience

Today a teacher asked a question that I've heard before, but needed to hear again.  She asked, "Do you FEEL as though you are a Human being, who occasionally has spiritual experiences, or do you FEEL as though you were a spiritual being, having a mortal experience?"

I have always heard that question as a sort of trivia question.  I always knew the right answer, so I just answered correctly, and went on.  But today I realized the question is about how we FEEL. There is no right answer!  So today this thought was heavy on my mind:  Perhaps I know better, but am I feeling like the cares and concerns of this life are all that matter?  Am I thinking about the larger picture at all?  Do I feel my own eternal spirit inside me, ancient and yearning for growth?  Do I see it in my children?

Last night I put my kids to bed.  I read them stories, I told them a scripture story, I prayed with them, and then I got ready to leave.  Kaylee was feeling insecure and asked me to stay a little longer.  I was tired, but I agreed, having a feeling she was only asking for what she needed.  She asked if we could sing a song together. ''I Know That My Savior Loves Me."  As we sang together, our voices blending, and our hearts open, we looked into each other's eyes.  We felt the spirit of that beautiful song.  I saw her singing with all her heart, as a testimony of her true belief and hope.  I admired her simple yet undying faith.  Her spirit seemed to rise and take comfort in those meaningful words.

She began to change shape before me.  First, she was a baby again, so little, so innocent, so hopeful, and then she was an angel, trusting in her God with all her heart.  I saw such purity that I was ashamed to meet her eyes.  I saw such power that I felt weak to my knees.  I forced myself to look into her eyes again.  I needed to see what was in there.  I saw such love and goodness that I wanted to hide.  I smiled lovingly into her eyes, but deep down I wanted to curl up and cry and beg her forgiveness that I ever lost patience with her.  I was ashamed that I ever didn't see her for who she really was.  I was embarrassed and sorry that I ever yelled or got irritated with such a beautiful daughter of God.  I told her what I saw.  I prayed with her right then, that she and I would help each other grow, and that as she did, that she would look to her Savior for her perfect example, and I would too.  I do not want to be the authority figure in my home anymore.  I want it to be Him.

Deepak Chopra, in his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents:
            "I was the daddy, and they were the kids.  But there have been other, rarer moments when the whole facade fell away.  I've seen my son give me a glance that said, 'Here we are again.  What an interesting game we're playing this time.' I've seen my daughter smile in such a way that I just knew she was on the verge of laughing out loud at the masks we have put on to keep our roles alive.

"In those precious glances and smiles I felt the bond of innocence, which is more powerful than love because it transcends love.  Instead of just being here as a unit with its own private triumphs and failures, every family is a communion of souls.  What we have in common isn't where we live...We are sailing the seas of immortality together--that is the real bond.  When you can see past the role playing and still act your role with love and dedication, then I believe you are truly spiritual in your approach to parenting."

He also explains, "I don't look upon spiritual law as optional--this is how the universe works as it unfolds from pure, unmanifest Being to the infinite variety of the created world."  How true that is!  This is not some gimmick to try, or some parenting tricks to use on your kids to get them to obey.  When we understand ourselves and our families in context of our spiritual roles, our lives and the part that we play comes into the correct perspective.  We, and all our associations begin to change at the core.

If you feel mortal and occasionally seek some spiritual uplift, you are not alone.  I have been the same way.  But to live in the Spirit is to feel immortal and understand that for the moment we must care for mortal things.  The two perspectives are actually opposite.

Chopra, pg. 154 " Parents are used to being the authority figures.  As such, we are above and beyond our children--smarter, more powerful, more experienced, in command of money and property.  From this position of authority, parents have been able to pass judgement, to inflict punishment, to lay down rules of right and wrong, and to do so with a clear sense of duty and purpose.
     "This book has outlined a different duty and purpose.  In this...vision, a parent isn't an authority.  You and your child are both souls; you are both embarked on the journey of soul-making.  The only difference is the roles you have chosen.  All souls are immortal; they cannot be created or destroyed.  But we choose temporary roles to play.
       "The most good you can do for yourself spiritually is to play your role as parent with total love, conviction, and purpose...This role will uplift and inspire you more than any other.  The same is true for your child...your child has decided to be a weak, vulnerable infant...And yet both of you, if you strip away the role playing, are pure souls, equal as one.  Innocence enables you to see this, to play the role yet go beyond it."

As I write this, I know there are going to be many who read this and fight against this notion.  I know there will be some who will be offended at their authority being challenged.  I get that.  I feel it too a little.  When I abdicate authority to God, I become I child too.  We, my children and me, become siblings of our Father in Heaven, striving together to become what He wants us to be.  Then my efforts to teach them become acts of Charity, not assertion of my authority.  I of myself have no authority, I am only acting in His name.

These are the thoughts that are coming to me, I feel, as answer to many prayers, in order to help me along this process of a change of heart and soul.

Step ONE:  Become my child's equal, and lead out from compassion, not pride, fear, anxiety, or selfish desire.
"All men [women and children] are created equal."
"God is no respecter of persons."

Pride is the trap easiest to fall into.

When I think of my children as immortal and eternal souls, equal to myself, the fight goes out of me.  The anger, the frustration and the need to control dissipates, while love, acceptance, wonder and innocence slip reverently in.

Thomas S. Monson quoted in October 2001: "Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of Great Britain, expressed the profound philosophy: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of the society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”


Monson continues: "There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals."


1Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the ^atemple of God, and that the^bSpirit of God dwelleth ^cin you?


I add,...and in your children? The powerful spirit I saw in my daughter can never be forgotten.  It is as though I saw God himself coming to the surface of my daughter's face.  I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magnificent.  I have never realized my own deep horror at the thought of meeting God face to face in my sinful state.  I remember with tears that moment, such beauty that I could not fully look upon it.  It is truly beyond words.  


All young children possess the capacity to reflect God himself because they are without sin.  Find it in a young child, and you too will never be the same.  

Lying Softly tell me gently, whisper lightly, ever kindly. Listen to my story young one.  You have uttered, I have wondered.  Wandering I'm searching for the innocence you sweetly plunder. Oh can you understand my hunger for the love I see you offer.  Can you feel my longing for the joy I see that shines inside you? My one--true love---my dear, small child. 'Come let me show how to dance in the winter and laugh at the clouds how they're changing the weather and see how the sun's brightly shining for you mother, and see how the grass gently blows in the summer!' How can a one so innocent and pure ever know a thing of this cruel world?   Light surrounds you, smiles abound you, wonder crowds you, beauty found you! Joy is here!  Pick it up!  And understand the love of God. Joy is here!  Place it in your heart.  And understand, the Joy of Love! Joy is here!  Pick it up!  And you will understand the Joy of God!  God is Love!