Rededicating Our Home

HENRY B. EYRING
First Counselor in the First Presidency
April 2010

"The best counsel for us to give young people is that they can arrive back to Heavenly Father only as they are guided and corrected by the Spirit of God. So if we are wise, we will encourage, praise, and exemplify everything which invites the companionship of the Holy Ghost. When they share with us what they are doing and feeling, we must ourselves have qualified for the Spirit. Then they will feel in our praise and our smiles the approval of God. And should we feel the need to give corrective counsel, they will feel our love and the love of God in it, not rebuke and rejection, which can permit Satan to lead them further away."

"The example they most need from us is to do what they must do. We need to pray for the gifts of the Spirit. We need to ponder in the scriptures and in the words of living prophets. We need to make plans which are not only wishes but covenants. And then we need to keep our promises to the Lord. And we need to lift others by sharing with them the blessings of the Atonement which have come in our lives."

Thomas S. Monson
October 2000


"As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield its contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book in the library of learning of our homes."

When my child emulates me, do I like what I see? Am I annoyed and embarrassed at what I see? My daughter Kaylee is the most determined of my children to become like me, and is the most defiant when it comes to obeying verbal commands. She insists that she be allowed to follow my example, not my words. Of course there are times when this causes problems, such as when she tries disciplining her brothers, using sharp knives, or using the stove. A 6-yr-old is simply not equipped to do these things. Yet she feels entitled to learn from my example. Do I use the knife carefully? Do I use the stove responsibly? Do I discipline with love?

There are many tragic times I wish I could take back my actions and words as soon as I see them repeated. So much we do is hurtful and harsh. Harshness is never ever necessary, but it is always hurtful. Let me repeat that, because it is something I've learned later in life, and it goes against what many believe, but is crucial to understand when searching for a more "peaceful way" to parent. It is NEVER ever necessary to be harsh or hurtful to anyone, least of all, children.

The strictest discipline can be done with a spirit of love and compassion, with patience and good will. We can see the children as our equals, and teach them as one equal teaching another. It is not necessary to break them. It is not helpful to waste their early childhood puffing ourselves up to be infallible, angry gods who constantly disapprove of them.

Children have tender feelings. You can't scorn a child, any child, and it not be felt deeply. They may keep a straight face, shrug it off, even smile; but your facial expression and your words will sink far down into their psyche, and they will not be able to forget your opinion of them. It will become a part of their self-talk, and it will take years of struggling for them to overcome your hurt. It only takes once. Remember? How many times have you done this to a child? How many times a day?

What can you do if, like me, you find yourself guilty of the above and want to change? We, all of us can pray fervently for help, forgiveness, and for the children we have hurt. We can struggle and cry, and ask God for the ability to feel their pain, so that we can be in no doubt of every bit of the consequences of our actions. We can beg and plead with our Heavenly Father to open our eyes, and open our hearts, and through Christ, cleanse us of the desire to hurt. We can beg that Christ will intervene, so the child will not suffer long for our sin, and we can ask for their forgiveness, and the forgiveness of our God.

We can breathe, count to ten, say a prayer, cry, or do jumping jacks to keep from losing our temper. We can strive to be example-worthy in all our actions. We can maintain hope and confidence that our children will be able to grow into their best selves, even when they make mistakes. We can look at them as the best they can become, and see in them all the goodness of God. We can correct instead of criticizing. We can feed our Spirit, and qualify and pray for the gift of Charity.

Imagine if you will, a world of Christian love. If all people in the world had Charity for one another, there would be no suffering, no war, no unfed hunger, no untreated disease. There would be no hurtful crimes of any kind, no affairs, no unwanted children, no uncared for elderly, handicapped, or mentally ill. No one would be alone. No one would yell or hit another person in anger. This is a world worth striving for. This is MY dream, and it begins with me. It begins with you. It begins with little children.

"Happiness in family lifeis most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." ~ The Family: A Proclamation to the World ~

In the Spirit

Living in the Spirit, and living without the Spirit are like living in constant day or night. It is so easy for us parents to let time pass on autopilot. Perhaps we are deeply afraid of failure? So we immerse ourselves, or maybe our kids, in constant distractions and we don't have to focus on the things that we're anxious about. TV, computer, video games,even worthy things like school work, good books, church responsibilities and activities, hobbies and social events can be distractions. These things are fine to do occasionally, some even regularly. Just be aware that if you're not paying attention, you may become distracted from the things that matter most. You may find yourself unknowingly spiraling downward spiritually, emotionally, and eventually, physically and mentally, if you do not stop and give attention to the present things that are of most importance. Your spiritual strength, your children's spiritual strength, your relationship with your spouse and children, relationships with all friends and family. But when you're living, breathing, and walking in the Spirit, you will your family's worthy activities will change from a distraction to an enrichment, and your success will be magnified, while the unworthy distractions will lose their strength of attraction.

Yesterday I spent all day going from one distraction to the next, when I decided to stop and feed my spirit. It was just about an hour before bedtime. My kids hadn't listened all day, I was discouraged, and I didn't feel like doing the laundry or other things I knew I should do. I guess I just had an off-day. But then, as my spirit was being nourished, I started to feel it. It was gradual; a slow warming, an opening of the eyes; a drink of cool water; a coming-home feeling. This occurred as I listened to a talk about finding happiness, and felt the spirit in the talk. I didn't hear all of it, but the spirit still entered the home.

I know because not only could I feel it, but my son came in and asked what I was listening to. He is only four, but he decided to listen too. He asked some questions, and suddenly, my efforts to communicate were not frustrating as they had been all day, it was easy! The words just rolled off my tongue effortlessly, because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying, I was letting the Spirit speak. My son could hear and understand, unlike earlier in the day, when he just tuned me out. Then my daughter came in. Same story. Several things I'd been trying to get through to her suddenly broke through without effort. The walls between us fell, and we were able to bask in the love and understanding we felt. My littlest one came in and it was the same experience for a third time. I'm sure many of you out there have had moments like this, when the Spirit bridges the gaps and you're amazed at how easy that was!

The truth is, it doesn't have to be a moment here or there that we have help from the Spirit. Living in the Spirit can be the norm. We can live so the off-moments are the rare ones, not the other way around. I have lived this way before, and I know I can live it again.

A Mortal Experience

Today a teacher asked a question that I've heard before, but needed to hear again.  She asked, "Do you FEEL as though you are a Human being, who occasionally has spiritual experiences, or do you FEEL as though you were a spiritual being, having a mortal experience?"

I have always heard that question as a sort of trivia question.  I always knew the right answer, so I just answered correctly, and went on.  But today I realized the question is about how we FEEL. There is no right answer!  So today this thought was heavy on my mind:  Perhaps I know better, but am I feeling like the cares and concerns of this life are all that matter?  Am I thinking about the larger picture at all?  Do I feel my own eternal spirit inside me, ancient and yearning for growth?  Do I see it in my children?

Last night I put my kids to bed.  I read them stories, I told them a scripture story, I prayed with them, and then I got ready to leave.  Kaylee was feeling insecure and asked me to stay a little longer.  I was tired, but I agreed, having a feeling she was only asking for what she needed.  She asked if we could sing a song together. ''I Know That My Savior Loves Me."  As we sang together, our voices blending, and our hearts open, we looked into each other's eyes.  We felt the spirit of that beautiful song.  I saw her singing with all her heart, as a testimony of her true belief and hope.  I admired her simple yet undying faith.  Her spirit seemed to rise and take comfort in those meaningful words.

She began to change shape before me.  First, she was a baby again, so little, so innocent, so hopeful, and then she was an angel, trusting in her God with all her heart.  I saw such purity that I was ashamed to meet her eyes.  I saw such power that I felt weak to my knees.  I forced myself to look into her eyes again.  I needed to see what was in there.  I saw such love and goodness that I wanted to hide.  I smiled lovingly into her eyes, but deep down I wanted to curl up and cry and beg her forgiveness that I ever lost patience with her.  I was ashamed that I ever didn't see her for who she really was.  I was embarrassed and sorry that I ever yelled or got irritated with such a beautiful daughter of God.  I told her what I saw.  I prayed with her right then, that she and I would help each other grow, and that as she did, that she would look to her Savior for her perfect example, and I would too.  I do not want to be the authority figure in my home anymore.  I want it to be Him.

Deepak Chopra, in his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents:
            "I was the daddy, and they were the kids.  But there have been other, rarer moments when the whole facade fell away.  I've seen my son give me a glance that said, 'Here we are again.  What an interesting game we're playing this time.' I've seen my daughter smile in such a way that I just knew she was on the verge of laughing out loud at the masks we have put on to keep our roles alive.

"In those precious glances and smiles I felt the bond of innocence, which is more powerful than love because it transcends love.  Instead of just being here as a unit with its own private triumphs and failures, every family is a communion of souls.  What we have in common isn't where we live...We are sailing the seas of immortality together--that is the real bond.  When you can see past the role playing and still act your role with love and dedication, then I believe you are truly spiritual in your approach to parenting."

He also explains, "I don't look upon spiritual law as optional--this is how the universe works as it unfolds from pure, unmanifest Being to the infinite variety of the created world."  How true that is!  This is not some gimmick to try, or some parenting tricks to use on your kids to get them to obey.  When we understand ourselves and our families in context of our spiritual roles, our lives and the part that we play comes into the correct perspective.  We, and all our associations begin to change at the core.

If you feel mortal and occasionally seek some spiritual uplift, you are not alone.  I have been the same way.  But to live in the Spirit is to feel immortal and understand that for the moment we must care for mortal things.  The two perspectives are actually opposite.

Chopra, pg. 154 " Parents are used to being the authority figures.  As such, we are above and beyond our children--smarter, more powerful, more experienced, in command of money and property.  From this position of authority, parents have been able to pass judgement, to inflict punishment, to lay down rules of right and wrong, and to do so with a clear sense of duty and purpose.
     "This book has outlined a different duty and purpose.  In this...vision, a parent isn't an authority.  You and your child are both souls; you are both embarked on the journey of soul-making.  The only difference is the roles you have chosen.  All souls are immortal; they cannot be created or destroyed.  But we choose temporary roles to play.
       "The most good you can do for yourself spiritually is to play your role as parent with total love, conviction, and purpose...This role will uplift and inspire you more than any other.  The same is true for your child...your child has decided to be a weak, vulnerable infant...And yet both of you, if you strip away the role playing, are pure souls, equal as one.  Innocence enables you to see this, to play the role yet go beyond it."

As I write this, I know there are going to be many who read this and fight against this notion.  I know there will be some who will be offended at their authority being challenged.  I get that.  I feel it too a little.  When I abdicate authority to God, I become I child too.  We, my children and me, become siblings of our Father in Heaven, striving together to become what He wants us to be.  Then my efforts to teach them become acts of Charity, not assertion of my authority.  I of myself have no authority, I am only acting in His name.

These are the thoughts that are coming to me, I feel, as answer to many prayers, in order to help me along this process of a change of heart and soul.

Step ONE:  Become my child's equal, and lead out from compassion, not pride, fear, anxiety, or selfish desire.
"All men [women and children] are created equal."
"God is no respecter of persons."

Pride is the trap easiest to fall into.

When I think of my children as immortal and eternal souls, equal to myself, the fight goes out of me.  The anger, the frustration and the need to control dissipates, while love, acceptance, wonder and innocence slip reverently in.

Thomas S. Monson quoted in October 2001: "Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of Great Britain, expressed the profound philosophy: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of the society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”


Monson continues: "There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals."


1Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the ^atemple of God, and that the^bSpirit of God dwelleth ^cin you?


I add,...and in your children? The powerful spirit I saw in my daughter can never be forgotten.  It is as though I saw God himself coming to the surface of my daughter's face.  I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magnificent.  I have never realized my own deep horror at the thought of meeting God face to face in my sinful state.  I remember with tears that moment, such beauty that I could not fully look upon it.  It is truly beyond words.  


All young children possess the capacity to reflect God himself because they are without sin.  Find it in a young child, and you too will never be the same.  

Lying Softly tell me gently, whisper lightly, ever kindly. Listen to my story young one.  You have uttered, I have wondered.  Wandering I'm searching for the innocence you sweetly plunder. Oh can you understand my hunger for the love I see you offer.  Can you feel my longing for the joy I see that shines inside you? My one--true love---my dear, small child. 'Come let me show how to dance in the winter and laugh at the clouds how they're changing the weather and see how the sun's brightly shining for you mother, and see how the grass gently blows in the summer!' How can a one so innocent and pure ever know a thing of this cruel world?   Light surrounds you, smiles abound you, wonder crowds you, beauty found you! Joy is here!  Pick it up!  And understand the love of God. Joy is here!  Place it in your heart.  And understand, the Joy of Love! Joy is here!  Pick it up!  And you will understand the Joy of God!  God is Love!

Five Criteria for Positive Discipline With Parenting Expert Dr. Jane Nelsen

"I Need A Hug"

Dr. Jane Nelsen of positivedescipline.com writes in this article (click on the title for the link) about a soft approach to an out of control child. This particular approach may not work every time, or even more than once. But you and your child will never forget it.

A child is in the middle of a screaming tantrum. Father gets down and shouts, "I need a hug!" Child: "What?!?" Father: "I need a hug!" Child:"Now?!?" Father "Yes!" Child shrugs, "Okay" and hugs his father. The tension melts away, and father says, "Thanks, I needed that." Child says, "So did I." They can then deal with whatever started the tantrum after that, or not. Perhaps that is all that was needed.

The father above has taught his son several things in this moment. Here are just some that I thought of that his son learned:

1. His father loves him no matter what.

2. He, the son, can contribute to helping others, and that helping others also helps himself.

3. When people are upset, try pulling them closer instead of pushing them away. He now knows how that feels.

4. True love heals the hurt caused by anger.

The father above also learned several things in that moment:

1. He learned that he loves his son no matter what.

2. His son has a good heart, even when he's angry. He respects him for it.

3. Pull others close when they are angry, instead of pushing them away.

4. Holding his little boy close and feeling true love heals the hurt caused by anger.

Reading the above article I thought of the first time something like this happened with my daughter. I like remembering these things, because it's the only way I can make sure I don't ever forget!

My daughter was screaming, thrashing, shouting obscenities, and I was at a loss. The overwhelming feeling came over me; 'She is doing this because she doesn't feel loved.' I got down on the floor and shouted over her screams, "Do you think I don't love you?!" She quieted down and stared at me. I said more softly, "Are you really angry because you don't think I love you very much?" She started to cry real tears, pain and deep-felt hurt pouring out of her. I hugged her tightly, and through my own tears I cried to her, "I love you more than anything! You are my baby girl, and you always will be. You changed my life. You are my angel!" We sat on the floor and cried, and I felt her pain. I felt my own pain. I promised myself that things would be different from then on.

I don't know if my daughter remembers that day, but I know I will never forget. It was one of the first turning points for us--when I started realizing that love conquers all, not pain and shame. I pray I will never forget. I pray that I will remember how I felt before and after that moment. I pray that I will remember her face, and the pain that came pouring out of her, so much hurt, all caused by my negative discipline. Maybe I didn't beat my kids (except for spanking,) I didn't hit them with anything, no bruises (besides on their backsides,) but I controlled them (or tried to control them) using fear, intimidation, shame, and apathy. I didn't look ahead, I just tried to get through the moment, hoping that somehow, some way, things would get better. All my discipline was centered on immediate control, not long-term goals. It hurt. It hurt them- it hurt me- it hurt my spouse. It was wrong. It felt wrong. I just didn't know what else to do. Now I do know what else to do. I have given myself permission to use Christ's teachings in my home to teach discipline to my children, and myself. Self-discipline is contagious. The children learn it by watching. They also learn the opposite by watching. Am I ready to be the grown-up and make a choice? Am I ready to learn, for the sake of my family, how to be a true Christian?

The root of the word "discipline" is "disciple". I ought to BE Christ. I am the body of Christ, as are all his disciples, so how would Christ treat my children? If he were in my place, would he spank them? Would he shame them? Would he try to break their will? I can only know the answers as I learn more about Him. Simply remembering Him and how He feels, helps me see things differently. I want to be patient, I want to be kind, I want to show mercy and love. This is the reason for this blog--to make sure I keep remembering.

Celebrate Calm Stop Defiance Live Event in Fairfax County, VA

My kids ate WAY too much sugar a few weeks ago.  They ran around crazy, screaming, not listening to anything I said, and I started to lose it.  I know better, and I know how to do this correctly, but that night, the truth is, I too had eaten WAY too much sugar myself, and I did not feel completely in control of myself.  So my husband comes home to find me yelling at the kids to "CALM DOWN!  YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!!"  (The irony of which they of course picked up on.)

He did not say anything to me right then, he just went in the room, and let me go back and forth from the bedroom where I yelled at him about the kids, to the rest of the house, where I yelled at the kids.  He looked at me with pain in his face, but said nothing.  I raged even more, because I thought he was no help at all!  Had I been thinking clearly, I would have realized that he wanted nothing to do with my anxiety, and neither did my kids.

Finally I realized that my anger was escalating, and I locked the kids in their room to bounce off the walls in there, while I washed the dishes.  (Locking them in their room is not a principle of attachment parenting, but neither is yelling.  I just needed a few minutes of peace to get control of myself.)  So as I did the dishes, my husband comes up behind me, and gently, with a warm smile, starts stroking my back.  He says with a smile, "Are we going to become a screaming family now?" We laugh a little.  I feel the muscles in my back begin to unwind.  Without saying anything else, offers me unspoken words of love in his gentle touch, and I can't hold back a return smile.

His calm was contagious.  I immediately felt humility returning to my soul, and remorse begin to set in.  He made me feel like the luckiest wife on Earth in that moment.

I think that's how God reprimands us.  He lets us feel the difference between what we're choosing, and what He is choosing, and gives us the space to come into His calm if we choose-- to choose love instead of rage-- to chose self-control instead of controlling others.  His way is the way of closeness, the way of kindness, the way of self-mastery, and most of all, choice.  I chose a different evening, and apologized to my children.  I chose love.

I choose love.

A Family Pulling Together

Sunday, a day we usually get up, rush around, leave separately for church, arrive late, and do our best to partake in the Spirit there, which eventually fulfills us and gives us a good boost to get through the coming week.  But today was different.

This morning I got up at 6am.  I prayed, and fell into daydreaming during my prayer.  10 minutes later, started over.   I was giving a lesson to the Relief Society women today, something I'd yet to do on a Sunday.  After I showered and dressed, Kevin came in, and we got to talk a little before the kids woke up.  He was also giving a lesson today for the young men, something he'd never done as well.  We both got ready, and then he spent 20 minutes giving his lesson to me, and listening to any suggestions or input I might have.  Then I quickly got the kids dressed, he made breakfast, and we all piled in the car.  In the car, Kevin called together a family prayer, and I said the prayer before we drove away.  We got to church 5 minutes early.  Kevin got to use his priesthood to bless the sacrament during the meeting, and I was able to bear my testimony, as it was fast and testimony Sunday.  I told of how thankful I was for a husband who loved kids and me so much, and was worthy to lead our home in righteousness.

Both of our lessons went okay.  Nothing to brag about or that will be remembered for years to come, but we were happy that we fulfilled our responsibilities anyway.  We were blessed.

The kids were well behaved all day.  We cooked all our food at home.  We were happy and patient with one another.  We had no fights, no complaints, no whining, and no tension.  We cleaned together a little, did a little laundry, watched some good shows, laughed a little, and hugged a lot.

Kevin said our family prayer tonight.  Even though the kids were climbing on his back at the time, I felt the spirit of his prayer, and felt the Lord's love in our home.  He, The Lord, was helping us, and pleased with us today.

Living and loving the Gospel as a family just feels so good.  I keep saying, "today" because of course, not every day is so peaceful here.  But we "celebrate progress, not perfection."  I give thanks to the Lord today for the Gospel that gives me a greater love for my husband and children, and Jesus Christ, who helps us improve every day.

"The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children might be happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood."
President Boyd K. Packer, May 2010 Ensign, "The Power of the Priesthood" p.7

Real Change Is Possible!

One of my favorite Celebrate Calm newsletters is: "2 phrases that destroy our kids/students"  This little bit of understanding is what really stopped me in my tracks, and turned me around to the right direction


   1st Destroying Phrase:

"1. Shaking our heads in disgust, constant negativity, "You'll never...". To my shame, this is how I communicated with Casey for the first 10 years of his life. I thought it would somehow magically motivate him to change his behavior."


This goes for marriages as well!!  It includes sarcasm, rolling eyes, sighs of exasperation, and little phrases like, "yeah, just like you always do," and "I should've known," or "what NOW?"  These are things I used to think of as just personality traits; things that make us who we are.  But now I realize they are really bad habits that hurt and destroy others, especially tender little ones.  Who we are is not as important as who we want to be, and who we want to be is not as important as who God wants us to be.  So the first step in improving our relationships is to eliminate the attitude.  


Are you trying to improve your family?  We have been there!  I'm going to weave in here two steps that are great first steps that worked for us, and many others.  All of the advice is not my own, but comes from knowledge gained from Celebrate Calm's Kirk and Casey Martin.

STEP 1 toward improving family relationships (We did this :  Apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses for the destroying attitudes and phrases you have used; then discontinue using them.


OUCH!  Right?  It's time to be brave.  The first part of the step, "apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses" is really scary, and sometimes people try to skip it, or sneak in some excuses.  But it is crucial to apologize with no excuses, and no finger-pointing.  Without this act, you are not going to achieve the respect of your kids and spouse.  Without it, you are not admitting accountability, your family will not hold you to a higher standard, and will be more likely to slip back into your old habits.

You are thinking right now, "But I'm not the only one in my family doing this!"  I know.  That's okay.  Take accountability for your part.  Don't worry about their part.  They will learn from your example, and you may be surprised at the apologies that start coming your way, probably not at first, but eventually, as they see you begin to change, and they want that for themselves. 

Negative thoughts, words, and behavior effects us and others down to the very molecular structure. "A Soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. " Proverbs 15:1.


The second part of Step 1, "discontinue using [the destroying phrases]" is not a matter of enduring, really, but changing yourself at the core.  Kirk suggests one way to start ridding your family of these habits is to introduce a new one.  For example:  Say 5 positive things about someone every time you point out a negative.  Make it a family rule.  When putting this into practice, you discover that the negative starts to pale, and you see the person in a more positive light.  They are able to see that you have love and appreciation for them, and they in turn have more hope, and are more likely to improve their behavior.  Pretty soon, you start to overlook negative things, as the positive things are much more important to you.  This really works on the thought level as well.  If you're only thinking a negative thought, but haven't said it, try thinking about positives.  In the begining, many of my positives were, "he's a child of a loving God."  "Jesus Christ knows him personally, and knows his potential."  If there were nothing else I could think of, I could always fall back on God.  I did this with my kids and my spouse. 


The Second destroying phrase that Kirk speaks of leads to step 2 in improving our families:

Destroying Phrase:

"# 2 "If you would just apply yourself more..." "If she would put forth more effort..."
When I hear those words, I cringe and my heart sinks. I know it's frustrating because we see very bright kids struggle with academics, behavior, etc. But why is our first assumption that it's only a matter of "applying yourself?" If it were that easy, don't you think our kids would do that in order to avoid harsh consequences?"




STEP 2 to improving your family relationships:  Let go of negative assumptions.




Kirk: "Research shows disturbing health effects of stress and negativity: anxiety, lack of confidence, difficulty with social skills, lack of focus and attention in school, hypertension, aggression, damage to the part of the limbic brain responsible for learning and memory. This negativity and yelling damages our relationships with our kids, separating Moms and Dads from the kids they love. And none of us want that."



The greatest news in the world is that we have the power to change, and change the way others affect us, by choosing to think and feel proactively, not depending on others for our moods, and not letting their moods affect us.  We are beings designed to act.  Not to be acted upon.  We can choose to praise, have compassion, have gratitude and unconditional love for others.  We can choose to ask for these gifts from our Heavenly Father, and then do everything in our power to make that change.


The most important and the only longterm effective way to affect real change,  is to allow your heart to break before God.  Pray like your life depended on it, with all your heart and soul, with a willing heart and hands to do anything the Lord tells you to do.  Then HE will change your heart, and open your eyes.  The tools listed here are only surface steps that can help, and are only the outside appearance of true, honest, heartfelt repentance.  


Here are the baby steps outlined by Kirk Martin.  When you don't know what to do, or your child does something you disapprove of, ask yourself three questions:



                      "(1) What kind of tools can I provide the child to be successful? Please think tools. No child wants to fail; he usually needs tools. Does the student need more challenging work or is she overwhelmed? Does he need his brain stimulated in my class? Do I need to provide specific, concrete directions? There are dozens and dozens of very practical tools we can use to help our kids achieve consistently.
                       (2) How can I give this child some ownership or cultivate internal motivation by using the child's gifts and passions? We don't give kids control, but we do need to give them ownership. Otherwise, no amount of bribes or consequences will matter. How can you get your child/student involved using his talents?
                        (3) Is this about ME? How many times have we tried to make the issue about our kids' effort when their apparent failure is really about US? Are we embarrassed or frustrated by their actions? Are we anxious because we think they are going to fail in life? Have we set up impossible standards? Am I nervous because I am too responsible? Am I comparing this child unfairly to others? Am I projecting my own faults onto my child, afraid he's going to make the same mistakes as me?"


Kirk on looking at reality:

"Research also gives us hope: consistent discipline, modeling self-control and teaching kids to problem solve changes families. But science tells us that changing habits takes 30-45 days. Research proves that families who have ongoing help, who practice these new habits, achieve transformation every single time. Those who just say, "I'll try to do better" always fall into old habits...and nothing changes. Same reactivity, same yelling, same negativity."


Always remember that people can and do change!    It is within our power to do so.  In fact, it is in our very nature.  


Above is a link to a talk given by Norman Doidge about "Brain Plasticity."  He is a lead psycho analyst, who has achieved success in helping patients change thought patterns that would have been unimaginable years ago.  


It is our thoughts that are our greatest enemy and our greatest ally.  It is there that the change must begin, and that is the first benefit of prayer and meditation.  

The More We Know of Jesus

“The more we know of Jesus, the more we will love Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will trust Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will want to be like Him and to be with Him by becoming the manner of men and women that He wishes us to be,  while living now ‘after the manner of happiness’.”

Neal A. Maxwell, "Plow in Hope," Liahona, July 2001, 7

Dear Mother,

Sunday morning, I woke up early prayed, read scriptures, and got myself and the kids bathed, dressed, fed and in the car.  I made Kevin some toast and woke him up by giving him breakfast in bed.  I told him I loved him, and missed him.  He glowed and smiled in a way I hadn't seen in awhile.  I was feeling spiritual, and I stayed calm and spoke to the kids with the Holy Ghost as a conduit, so they listened.  Through every obstacle, like Kaylee refusing to wear shoes, we sailed through it, the Holy Spirit and I, and we kept my focus on the eternal perspective.  We got to church about 5 minutes early. 

Soft Answers

I didn't fret or let my light be diminished about whether or not Kevin would show up to church.  I only felt love for him, not even a smidge of resentment or judging him harshly.  Sacrament meeting was about---not judging others.  I did have to take the baby out several times.  We are not perfect, after all.  At one point the kids were fighting over the only toy we brought in.  I took it and them out to the car. I put it in the car, hugged them, and said we were at church to feel Jesus's love in our hearts, not fight over toys.  They seemed resigned.  

Kendon found that seeing other babies in the hallway was much more interesting than sacrament meeting, and kept pulling on me as I sat down again in Sacrament meeting, and saying, "Get UP!"  I held him close and rocked him, and whispered that I loved him.  Eventually he settled down and I was able to sit through the remainder of the meeting.

Rewards for staying Calm

Kendon went to nursery, climbed into a chair and sat with his arms folded.  It was amazing.  Usually he cries and hangs on me, or at least whimpers, and I have to sneak out while he's distracted.  Not today.  He looked straight at me, and smiled as he folded his arms reverently as I left.  In fact all the nursery kids were sitting in their seats instead of playing with toys.  They have some really good teachers, and I also believe the little ones can feel the Spirit.  

Instead of Reacting out of Anxiety, Using the Holy Ghost

The second hour of church, Kaylee was really struggling, and wouldn't go in to primary.  (It was a difficult morning for her.)  She looked really tired, or sad, like she was stuffing down some feelings.  I looked at her with spiritual eyes, and could see something was bothering her.  I sat down on the floor with her in the hallway, and asked in a calm voice what was going on. 

She finally muttered that she had a bad dream last night.  I asked if she wanted to talk about it.  She shook her head no.  Never before has she declined to tell me a dream.  She usually loves to go on and on and imbelish her dreams, even the bad ones.  I tried to get some details from her, and got out of her that she was hurt in her dream.  She lay her head on my lap and stared into the distance, looking very sober and sad.  I prayed silently.  I told her that no matter what, Mommy would always love her, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus love her and are watching her.  I told her she was just a little girl, and shouldn't need to worry about anything.  No matter what, me, or daddy, or another grown-up like Sister Sunny would make sure everything will be okay.  

She looked up and saw a picture of Samuel the Lamanite.  She asked about it.  I told her the story.  She asked over and over how Heavenly Father protected him from getting hurt.  I told her that Heavenly Father wouldn't let Samuel be killed because he still had work to do for Heavenly Father.  I told her that none of us can die until our work is finished.  After we've finished our jobs to do for Heavenly Father, He may let us die, and that's okay, because he will take us to be with him.  I said that as long as we stay close to Jesus Christ, He will take care of our spirits, and our hearts.  We won't be scared, or alone, because He will be with us, just like He was with Samuel.  We don't have to worry about if our body gets hurt as long as Jesus is taking care of our spirits.  We got up then, and went into my Sunday School class.  Kaylee told me after we got in that she felt better and was ready to go to primary.  She left her shoes with me, and went.  I let go of the need to keep up appearances, put her shoes in my purse, and went to Sunday School.

Refusing to be Embarrassed  

After church, I met with three women I'd asked to participate in a Relief Society activity.  We had a meeting about what I've asked them to do, and all of us felt the spirit.  All of them saw this a an opportunity to grow, and as we basked in the spirit, the kids ran in and were being rowdy.  I quietly shooed the kids out, without losing my temper, and told the women that I had read words of prophets saying that it is possible to feel the spirit even when little children are being loud and rowdy, but if an adult loses patience with the children, the spirit departs.  They all agreed, and we spoke of how precious children are.  I told them that the most spiritual event in my life by far happened with kids literally running and screaming all over the house.  I felt that truth fill my soul, and they felt it too.

My kids came back in and were being irreverent, and running, but the spirit still did not depart.  Eventually, the kids mellowed out a little, as we stayed calm.  One of the sisters spoke of how she never grounded or sent her kids to their room.  She said that she instead had them sit at the kitchen table until the bad feelings went away.  She said it helped both of them, because they were still around eachother, and when they are alone, they just stewed and the bad feelings get worse.  Her kids all turned out well, and are now parents and have told her that they never wanted to rebel because she treated them like they were angels and they couldn't bear to disappoint her.  I told her I wanted to try that, because I lock my kids in their room, and they hate it and I hate it.  Another said that her parents were the same way.  They treated her as though she were an angel, the light of their life, and she never wanted to disappoint them.  I felt like I needed to learn from them, and use their insight in my own parenting.  Kids have missions from Heavenly Father.  If I keep the spirit in our home, they can feel what missions they are to perform.  

Tough Love Can Still be Soft Love

The kids were wild because they were hungry.  We got home and I made some lunch.   We cheered when we saw Kevin, and ran and hugged him.  Kevin had a headache, and was not feeling well, but he felt loved, and was happy to see us, and came up and ate lunch at the table with us.  (Though the reason he didn't come to church was because I was not there to tell him where his good pants were, which tells you how behind I am on the laundry.  I don't take responsibility for his choice, but I do see I can be accountable for my part.)  

Kaylee complained that she wanted cereal instead of homemade burritos.  I didn't let her move me, and refused to give her cereal, but in a calm, cheerful way.  I told her later, with love in my heart, that the reason she doesn't get to chose her food all the time, is because she's still a little kid, and she doesn't always understand about food.  Grown-ups know more about food and our bodies, and what our bodies need to stay healthy.  I said I need to choose her food until she's a grown-up and will know enough about things to choose her own food.  I of course try to teach her about nutrition, but it's a work in progress.  She tried only one more time to sneak into the cereal, and I, still with love in my heart, allowed only Peter to eat the cereal, because he had eaten his burrito.  I cheerfully told her that when she ate some healthy food, she could have a little bit of the sugar food.  I explained that she must eat more healthy than sugar foods. (The burrito, was ground up kidney beans with black beans and cheese mixed in, wrapped in a tortilla.  It was pretty darn healthy.)  She had this look of happiness on her face, even as I took the cereal away.  They love it when I stay calm AND keep my promises.

Soft LOVE

Kevin had a migraine.  He was miserable, and asked me to sit with him.  I told the kids that daddy had a headache, and we needed to be quiet, and I sat with Kevin that afternoon, and read scriptures while he slept or moaned. I brought him water, a cold pack for his head.  The kids were very good and quiet, and left him alone.  At one point, I heard Kaylee tell Peter, "Daddy is very sick, Peter, you have to be quiet....He's probably dead."  I assured them that Daddy would be okay.  

The Root of 'Discipline' is 'Disciple'

The kids started arguing over some trains.  Kaylee has been feeling extra protective of Kendon lately, and thought she was defending him, and was mad at Peter, who was hogging the trains saying, "I want to play all by myself!"  I followed the prompting of the Spirit.  Kaylee kept telling me, "Mom, will you please just pack up the trains, Peter isn't sharing with Kendon."  But I said no, I wanted them to practice playing together.  After several attempts of letting them work it out on their own, I had to go intercede.  

I took Peter in my arms, and rocked him.  I spoke gently of Heavenly Father's love for him, and my love for him.  I told him about his brother and sister, and how much they love him.  I explained that when Kendon tries to take toys from him, it's not because he's trying to steal them, it's because he wants to play with him.  I said, "Peter, Kendon wants to be your best buddy.  Can you be his best buddy?"  We talked a little about how to play together, and Peter was still whiney and unreceptive.  But then Kaylee and Kendon came over, and started handing trains to him, and I praised them, and told Peter, "you see?  Kendon loves you way more than that train.  Kaylee loves you more than that train too!  Pretty soon, Peter was sharing back, and I praised him, and said, "see?  you love them much more than trains!  We all love to be a happy family, more than we love toys, don't we?"  All the kids agreed, and each of the kids ran and hugged me, and told me they loved me so much.  After that, they played well together, and eventually lost interest in the trains, and focused on eachother. 

At the End of the Day

I tidied up and put in some of Kevin's clothes to wash for the next morning.  I noticed at 11pm that he had no socks for the next day.  So I stayed up late washing laundry.  I set out his clothes for the morning, because he'd told me he had extra work to do in the morning, and I knew he would be pressed for time.  So at 2am, I had all his clothes, including socks, set out for him.  It felt like the perfect end of the perfect day.