The More We Know of Jesus

“The more we know of Jesus, the more we will love Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will trust Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will want to be like Him and to be with Him by becoming the manner of men and women that He wishes us to be,  while living now ‘after the manner of happiness’.”

Neal A. Maxwell, "Plow in Hope," Liahona, July 2001, 7

Dear Mother,

Sunday morning, I woke up early prayed, read scriptures, and got myself and the kids bathed, dressed, fed and in the car.  I made Kevin some toast and woke him up by giving him breakfast in bed.  I told him I loved him, and missed him.  He glowed and smiled in a way I hadn't seen in awhile.  I was feeling spiritual, and I stayed calm and spoke to the kids with the Holy Ghost as a conduit, so they listened.  Through every obstacle, like Kaylee refusing to wear shoes, we sailed through it, the Holy Spirit and I, and we kept my focus on the eternal perspective.  We got to church about 5 minutes early. 

Soft Answers

I didn't fret or let my light be diminished about whether or not Kevin would show up to church.  I only felt love for him, not even a smidge of resentment or judging him harshly.  Sacrament meeting was about---not judging others.  I did have to take the baby out several times.  We are not perfect, after all.  At one point the kids were fighting over the only toy we brought in.  I took it and them out to the car. I put it in the car, hugged them, and said we were at church to feel Jesus's love in our hearts, not fight over toys.  They seemed resigned.  

Kendon found that seeing other babies in the hallway was much more interesting than sacrament meeting, and kept pulling on me as I sat down again in Sacrament meeting, and saying, "Get UP!"  I held him close and rocked him, and whispered that I loved him.  Eventually he settled down and I was able to sit through the remainder of the meeting.

Rewards for staying Calm

Kendon went to nursery, climbed into a chair and sat with his arms folded.  It was amazing.  Usually he cries and hangs on me, or at least whimpers, and I have to sneak out while he's distracted.  Not today.  He looked straight at me, and smiled as he folded his arms reverently as I left.  In fact all the nursery kids were sitting in their seats instead of playing with toys.  They have some really good teachers, and I also believe the little ones can feel the Spirit.  

Instead of Reacting out of Anxiety, Using the Holy Ghost

The second hour of church, Kaylee was really struggling, and wouldn't go in to primary.  (It was a difficult morning for her.)  She looked really tired, or sad, like she was stuffing down some feelings.  I looked at her with spiritual eyes, and could see something was bothering her.  I sat down on the floor with her in the hallway, and asked in a calm voice what was going on. 

She finally muttered that she had a bad dream last night.  I asked if she wanted to talk about it.  She shook her head no.  Never before has she declined to tell me a dream.  She usually loves to go on and on and imbelish her dreams, even the bad ones.  I tried to get some details from her, and got out of her that she was hurt in her dream.  She lay her head on my lap and stared into the distance, looking very sober and sad.  I prayed silently.  I told her that no matter what, Mommy would always love her, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus love her and are watching her.  I told her she was just a little girl, and shouldn't need to worry about anything.  No matter what, me, or daddy, or another grown-up like Sister Sunny would make sure everything will be okay.  

She looked up and saw a picture of Samuel the Lamanite.  She asked about it.  I told her the story.  She asked over and over how Heavenly Father protected him from getting hurt.  I told her that Heavenly Father wouldn't let Samuel be killed because he still had work to do for Heavenly Father.  I told her that none of us can die until our work is finished.  After we've finished our jobs to do for Heavenly Father, He may let us die, and that's okay, because he will take us to be with him.  I said that as long as we stay close to Jesus Christ, He will take care of our spirits, and our hearts.  We won't be scared, or alone, because He will be with us, just like He was with Samuel.  We don't have to worry about if our body gets hurt as long as Jesus is taking care of our spirits.  We got up then, and went into my Sunday School class.  Kaylee told me after we got in that she felt better and was ready to go to primary.  She left her shoes with me, and went.  I let go of the need to keep up appearances, put her shoes in my purse, and went to Sunday School.

Refusing to be Embarrassed  

After church, I met with three women I'd asked to participate in a Relief Society activity.  We had a meeting about what I've asked them to do, and all of us felt the spirit.  All of them saw this a an opportunity to grow, and as we basked in the spirit, the kids ran in and were being rowdy.  I quietly shooed the kids out, without losing my temper, and told the women that I had read words of prophets saying that it is possible to feel the spirit even when little children are being loud and rowdy, but if an adult loses patience with the children, the spirit departs.  They all agreed, and we spoke of how precious children are.  I told them that the most spiritual event in my life by far happened with kids literally running and screaming all over the house.  I felt that truth fill my soul, and they felt it too.

My kids came back in and were being irreverent, and running, but the spirit still did not depart.  Eventually, the kids mellowed out a little, as we stayed calm.  One of the sisters spoke of how she never grounded or sent her kids to their room.  She said that she instead had them sit at the kitchen table until the bad feelings went away.  She said it helped both of them, because they were still around eachother, and when they are alone, they just stewed and the bad feelings get worse.  Her kids all turned out well, and are now parents and have told her that they never wanted to rebel because she treated them like they were angels and they couldn't bear to disappoint her.  I told her I wanted to try that, because I lock my kids in their room, and they hate it and I hate it.  Another said that her parents were the same way.  They treated her as though she were an angel, the light of their life, and she never wanted to disappoint them.  I felt like I needed to learn from them, and use their insight in my own parenting.  Kids have missions from Heavenly Father.  If I keep the spirit in our home, they can feel what missions they are to perform.  

Tough Love Can Still be Soft Love

The kids were wild because they were hungry.  We got home and I made some lunch.   We cheered when we saw Kevin, and ran and hugged him.  Kevin had a headache, and was not feeling well, but he felt loved, and was happy to see us, and came up and ate lunch at the table with us.  (Though the reason he didn't come to church was because I was not there to tell him where his good pants were, which tells you how behind I am on the laundry.  I don't take responsibility for his choice, but I do see I can be accountable for my part.)  

Kaylee complained that she wanted cereal instead of homemade burritos.  I didn't let her move me, and refused to give her cereal, but in a calm, cheerful way.  I told her later, with love in my heart, that the reason she doesn't get to chose her food all the time, is because she's still a little kid, and she doesn't always understand about food.  Grown-ups know more about food and our bodies, and what our bodies need to stay healthy.  I said I need to choose her food until she's a grown-up and will know enough about things to choose her own food.  I of course try to teach her about nutrition, but it's a work in progress.  She tried only one more time to sneak into the cereal, and I, still with love in my heart, allowed only Peter to eat the cereal, because he had eaten his burrito.  I cheerfully told her that when she ate some healthy food, she could have a little bit of the sugar food.  I explained that she must eat more healthy than sugar foods. (The burrito, was ground up kidney beans with black beans and cheese mixed in, wrapped in a tortilla.  It was pretty darn healthy.)  She had this look of happiness on her face, even as I took the cereal away.  They love it when I stay calm AND keep my promises.

Soft LOVE

Kevin had a migraine.  He was miserable, and asked me to sit with him.  I told the kids that daddy had a headache, and we needed to be quiet, and I sat with Kevin that afternoon, and read scriptures while he slept or moaned. I brought him water, a cold pack for his head.  The kids were very good and quiet, and left him alone.  At one point, I heard Kaylee tell Peter, "Daddy is very sick, Peter, you have to be quiet....He's probably dead."  I assured them that Daddy would be okay.  

The Root of 'Discipline' is 'Disciple'

The kids started arguing over some trains.  Kaylee has been feeling extra protective of Kendon lately, and thought she was defending him, and was mad at Peter, who was hogging the trains saying, "I want to play all by myself!"  I followed the prompting of the Spirit.  Kaylee kept telling me, "Mom, will you please just pack up the trains, Peter isn't sharing with Kendon."  But I said no, I wanted them to practice playing together.  After several attempts of letting them work it out on their own, I had to go intercede.  

I took Peter in my arms, and rocked him.  I spoke gently of Heavenly Father's love for him, and my love for him.  I told him about his brother and sister, and how much they love him.  I explained that when Kendon tries to take toys from him, it's not because he's trying to steal them, it's because he wants to play with him.  I said, "Peter, Kendon wants to be your best buddy.  Can you be his best buddy?"  We talked a little about how to play together, and Peter was still whiney and unreceptive.  But then Kaylee and Kendon came over, and started handing trains to him, and I praised them, and told Peter, "you see?  Kendon loves you way more than that train.  Kaylee loves you more than that train too!  Pretty soon, Peter was sharing back, and I praised him, and said, "see?  you love them much more than trains!  We all love to be a happy family, more than we love toys, don't we?"  All the kids agreed, and each of the kids ran and hugged me, and told me they loved me so much.  After that, they played well together, and eventually lost interest in the trains, and focused on eachother. 

At the End of the Day

I tidied up and put in some of Kevin's clothes to wash for the next morning.  I noticed at 11pm that he had no socks for the next day.  So I stayed up late washing laundry.  I set out his clothes for the morning, because he'd told me he had extra work to do in the morning, and I knew he would be pressed for time.  So at 2am, I had all his clothes, including socks, set out for him.  It felt like the perfect end of the perfect day.

Survival vs. Thrival

To be perfectly honest, motherhood terrified me from day one.  I felt the surge of motherly love toward my baby, I had read many many parenting books ahead of time, so I thought I wouldn't be scared.  I thought I had it all planned out in my mind.  But when I brought my little girl home from the hospital, all I could do was sit on the couch with her in my arms and cry for the next 5 hours.  I felt panic and fear.  I had majored in Early Childhood Ed in College, and I had been around many many little kids in my life, but I had never known the pressure--the responsibility of motherhood.  That was when I turned on the survival switch in my mind, and it took me 4 years to figure out it was hurting not helping me.  At the time, to help myself calm down inside, I said over and over in my mind, "Just keep her alive.  Just keep her alive."  Instead, I should have told myself, "Enjoy this.  Enjoy her.  Laugh.  Have fun!"

The Survival Switch

The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it.  You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum.  When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode.  I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children.  It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.

What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:

Expect them to act out.  Scream.  Fight.  Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine.  Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them.  They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work.  Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.

So, what do we do?

Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!!  I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that.  It must have been 3-4  pages long, and that was shortened!  His answer to me was simple.  "Let go of pleasing everyone around you.  Sit down with her.  Enjoy her."  Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind.  I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them.  The only one worthy of that burden is God.

The Specific Answer:

Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial.  But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer.  Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to.  If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that.  Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT.  Change your heart.  AGAIN."   This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them.  If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member.  Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity.  The same goes with God.

Have a problem?  Ask this question.

Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?

It's only a decision away.

Do you control yourself, or does your 'self' control you?'

"This is just the way I am."
"It's the way I was raised, so..."
"This is my personality."
"I've been this way ever since I can remember. There's nothing I can do about it."
"I can't help it. I was born this way."


Have you ever uttered these phrases? I know I have. All of the above statements are excuses for complacency in unhappiness, and for us mothers, that unhappiness spreads to our children. Not sometimes, all the time. If we are simply a victim of our personalities, then we don't have to try to change, because change would be impossible.


Why don't we want to change? Why is it easier to do the same things we've always done? Is it laziness? No. There is no such thing as laziness. I am a firm believer of that, and so is Kirk Martin, my most quoted philosopher. "Lazy" is a put-down, as hurtful as "stupid" and we should never use the word to describe ourselves or anyone else. But what is the cause for lack of progress, growth, and hard work, if it's not laziness?


There can be many causes for this hiding from progression. It can be lack of vision, direction, motivation, but today I want to address the one that is often the most elusive. Safety. There is always fear, no matter how old you are, of the unknown. If none of my family or friends do things my way, I'm alone in my thinking, and it is scary. I firmly believe humans are herd animals, and it takes overcoming the herd instincts to discover our higher nature. There is a false perception of safety in a herd. We think that if we do what everyone else is doing we will be fine.


But all too often, herds are in danger and don't know it. They follow eachother off of cliffs and into high water, and wander into dangerous places where they are attacked by preditors. If we truly want to be safe, we have to rear up on our hind legs, and look out ahead to where the herd is going, and search those few sheep who've been to the edges of the clearings, and ask what they have seen. Safety is not garunteed, even then, but we will not make the same mistakes as we would have if we weren't paying attention. Think of how scary it would be for a sheep who's only looked at the ground and followed the sheep next to him, to stop and raise his head above the crowd, to see where they are going.


Can you remember being a child, lying in bed, certain there was a monster under the bed. Simply looking under the bed would have calmed your fears, but it seemed safer to simply stay put, and not move.


That is the instinct we have to overcome if we want to grow. How do we overcome those fears?


Thought patterns that portray ourselves as victims are evidence of lack of Hope. If we want joy, we must have hope. Naturally, my next question is: How do we find hope?


That is when my answer is give up.
 HUH?


Want to grow. Then give up trying to force growth on yourself. Seriously. Surrender. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change yourself. Certainly that has been my experience. Sure, I could change myself for a few months, even years, but eventually, I just couldn't keep up the effort any more, and slipped back to who I used to be. The phrase "Lift yourself up by your own bootstraps" was first coined to show how impossible that is! So where does that leave us?


The only way to change is through a higher power who possesses the strength and growth we need as well as the ability to endow that upon us, and then instead of trying to change ourselves, we are acting in faith in that higher power. We do not need to believe in ourselves, only believe that something bigger than ourselves, who cares deeply, and knows all will do that which we cannot do.

So if my goal is to stop smoking, or to stop yelling, and I have tried for years and years to kick the habit, but always find myself retreating back to a percieved, false safety, the answer is to first surrender--not to the habit, but to a loving God, and admit my powerlessness.
Then, I will receive a gift that will enlarge my soul, and change my very desires down to the core. Falling off the wagon, turning back to old habits, and other retreating actions, often stem from a desire for safety. Whether it be to follow friends and family like a herd animal, or to retreat toward a habit--to do what we have always done when we felt threatened--in other words, safety in sameness, it all stems from the same basic fear.

Fear of what? I have already stated that fear of the unknown is a factor, but searching deeper still, I ask, unknown what? Often the real triggers seem hazy. Perhaps nothing happened, or our reaction to something that happened was unbalanced. So the answer is then to dig deeper. I believe the deepest core of the issue is found in the truth in this quote attributed to Nelson Mandella:

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -

My goal this week is to rely in the arm of God when I feel threatened or scared, instead of my own base coping mechanisms. My goal is to believe in Christ when I cannot, and have proven that I cannot, believe in myself. My goal is to surrender every day to a loving God through prayer. My goal is to release my crutches, and walk in faith, not in my imperfect self, but in a Jesus Christ, my savior. I love that this works every time. HE can do what I cannot do--again and again and again, He's proven this to me, and I am learning slowly, to let all the Glory be his forever and ever, Amen.