Babies Don't Keep

The other night Peter slept next to me. It had been a hard day.  We had gotten lots of work done, but I had pushed him a lot, and I was anxious that he still wasn't catching on to reading yet. I felt tense, and worried, unsure and a little frustrated. I knew I needed to see my son with fresh eyes.

I gazed at my 6 year-old-boy and expected to see what I always see when I look at my little ones sleeping.  You know how they look just like babies when they sleep...but instead, this time, I suddenly saw him mature, and he looked about ten years older!!  I inwardly exclaimed, "NO! I'm not ready!!" And I frantically held him fast with my eyes thinking maybe if I can freeze him in time he won't grow up so fast!  Then I really looked closely, and realized...Hey! He's going to be a wonderful 16yr-old!  I have nothing to worry about. Still,  I must enjoy him now, laugh and cuddle, memorize him and love on him, as much as I can, because he will grow up and move away from me, and I will never have this time with him again.  I thought of my 3 children, each such miracles in their own way, each so unique, and yet so similar. I thought, "Am I enjoying them? Am I enjoying this journey? Am I giving thanks?"  I feel as though my Heavenly Father was sending me this message:

Dear Daughter, 


I see you and know what you're doing. Stop rushing and fretting. Let Go. Bask in grateful love right now!!  I am with you.


Love, Father

Then a few days later I came across this on www.drmomma.org :

Babies Don't Keep

Mother, O' Mother, come shake out your cloth,

Empty the dustpan, poison the moth.

Hang out the washing, make up the bed,

Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due,

Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek - peekaboo.

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew,

And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo.

But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.

Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?

Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,

But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

~ Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Happy Birthday, my son

Dear Son,

You are 1 year old now. At this time 1 year ago, I was gazing at your perfect face, wondering what your name was going to be. You changed everything. Your birth, your personality, your smile, your love changed me, your dad, and your brother and sister. Some people thought that after we had a boy and a girl that we didn't need any more kids, but I always knew better. We needed you. Thank you for coming to us.

The day you were born my love for your dad deepened, my commitment to him strengthened, and I felt a peace and happiness I never knew was possible in this life.

You were born in our bedroom with a midwife, on the very bed that your big brother was born on with the same midwife, and your big sister was nursed on. Your dad was sitting behind me; he was my strength and comfort. He prayed with me, he cried with me, and he laughed with me, encouraged me, and believed in me. He was everything and everyone I needed right then.

Instead of complaining about the pain of labor, I looked forward to each step closer to meeting you. Instead of wishing it were over, I savored each contraction as an opportunity to draw closer to God, and to your dad. Near the end, when it was time to push you out, I had to overcome some fear, and our midwife helped me by telling me scriptures, and I hugged your Daddy's legs as I cried just long enough to get my feelings out. Then I felt a wave of excitement and happiness come over me, and I told the midwife and your dad, "I want to hold my baby so much!" Finally, you were born, and I got to hold you with Daddy's arms around my own, in our first loving embrace.

You were perfect and beautiful. You were tiny, snuggly, and soft; and loved to be held all the time. Your brother and sister loved you so much! Sometimes they fought over who got to hold you. You were "Peter's baby," but you were also Kaylee's baby, because she didn't remember when Peter was her baby. Peter would often say, "Mommy, will you please feed my baby?" Kaylee would say, "This is my brother-sister."

Mommy nursed you, but you were the hardest to nurse, and we went through 4 weeks of pain to get it right. I'm grateful now that I went through it all, and with the help of Roxanne, our wonderful lactation consultant, we never gave up till we got it right. Now you and I enjoy a bond that fills both our souls with happy calm and comfort. I am thankful for that struggle because it forced me down to my knees, and my love for God grew as I spoke with him earnestly day after day.

You changed everything. You changed my heart and softened it toward things I needed to be more open to. You were the 3rd and final reason I needed to have the humility to grow, the faith to look for a better way to be, and a softer way to love and teach. I love you my son, and I remember this as a changing day for all of us, when you were born one year ago, today.

Kendon is Learning, Am I?

Baby Ken's 1st words:
1. Mama 6 months
2. OW 9 months
3. Daddy 9 1/2 months

Tonight Kevin and I had fun playing with Kennie. He's learning so quickly! We taught him the sign for "love." (Arms folded across the chest.) He actually did it back! Kevin then taught him how to say "Daddy." We tried to teach him the sign for "Daddy." He almost did it. He reached up to his ear instead of his forehead, but that was good enough for us! Kevin repeated over and over, "Say: I love you daddy!" Ken said, "AY ya ya Daddy!" HA HA! We're such nerdy parents! We think our kids are geniuses, no matter what!

Those are some of the sweet moments we have with the baby before we drift off to sleep that are just priceless! He also is learning to stand by pushing up against us as we lay in the bed. He gets this super proud look on his face like "I'm DOING it! " that cracks us up! He brings such laughter and happiness to our home! It would be so empty without him!

Sleeping and Nursing

We co-sleep with the baby. We don't have a choice with the tiny house we're in, but as a nursing mom, I've always slept with or very near the baby, even when we had a large house. I still don't know if that is the best way for everyone, but for us, it is the only way. The problem is when to get the child out of the bed, and HOW! Usually I decide to give the baby the boot when we can no longer sleep! When the baby is so energized by us that he crawls all over us, and won't calm down until late into the night, or if he just wants to use me like a passy all night. Recently, I discovered that he does not feel the need to use me like a passy if he is adequately full before going to bed, something I wish I knew with my first child!

I put Kaylee and Peter in the next room at about 9-10 months old. Now I'm thinking that, especially with Kaylee, I may have mistaken her need for more food as a need to be out of our bed. So now I've been a parent just long enough to know that I don't know anything I thought I knew! NOW WHAT?

Attachment Parenting

Attachment Parenting is a method of parenting to create a strong bond between parents, especially moms, and babies. You breastfeed, carry or wear the baby as much as you can, sleep with the baby at night, the baby sleeps on you for naps; you are constantly with the baby. I attempted it with my first baby, and have done it with Kendon, but not by choice. It was more of a protection from his older siblings, and the lack of space for a crib in the main part of the house that created his attatchment parenting.

The only down side to attachment parenting, is that the baby is so very attached to me, and there are some days I just want him to be okay on his own. He does play by himself for maybe an hour a day, and then he's crying at me again. I would love it if he'd take naps at regular intervals, but that would require the use of a crib, or me taking naps with him, which I can't do with two other kids. The one crib we do have is in the back of the playroom, which doubles as the kids' bedroom, and our storage room. It is not heated, so I'm looking forward to warmer weather. When it's warm I'll consider putting the baby in the crib, at least for daily naps, but he screams when he's alone. I'm talking blood curling, blue veins popping out, entire body blood red, terrified screaming! He doesn't know he's okay by himself. That is the real down side to attachment parenting.

I was SOOO done with it after Kaylee was 10 months old, I remember balling when she fell asleep in my arms because, while it was tender and sweet, I was a prisoner to the chair while laundry and dishes went undone, phone calls went unmade, and the slightest movement caused her to wake up and cry. I could do nothing but stare at the wall as my blood pressure rose for the next two hours. I didn't even have other kids and I was miserable. Peter didn't get much of it at all, because I was so traumatized by my experience with Kaylee. I was determined he would know he was fine on his own. He also took a passy and nursed very well which helped tremendously. He was my easiest, calmest, most self-assured, fattest baby, and so far, toddler.

So I am not a fan of attachment parenting, even though I've unwittingly done it with this baby. Predictably, he's insecure without me. He screams and kicks and shakes his fists while Kevin holds him and I can get ready for him, and as soon as he's at my hip he stops. As he's gotten older he's only gotten more so. I cringe to think of how I had to pry Kaylee from my hip. All the crying, by both of us, and all the sleepless nights, to teach her she was okay without me, were so hard on all of us. I just don't think I can go through all of that again!