Celebrate Calm Stop Defiance Live Event in Fairfax County, VA

My kids ate WAY too much sugar a few weeks ago.  They ran around crazy, screaming, not listening to anything I said, and I started to lose it.  I know better, and I know how to do this correctly, but that night, the truth is, I too had eaten WAY too much sugar myself, and I did not feel completely in control of myself.  So my husband comes home to find me yelling at the kids to "CALM DOWN!  YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!!"  (The irony of which they of course picked up on.)

He did not say anything to me right then, he just went in the room, and let me go back and forth from the bedroom where I yelled at him about the kids, to the rest of the house, where I yelled at the kids.  He looked at me with pain in his face, but said nothing.  I raged even more, because I thought he was no help at all!  Had I been thinking clearly, I would have realized that he wanted nothing to do with my anxiety, and neither did my kids.

Finally I realized that my anger was escalating, and I locked the kids in their room to bounce off the walls in there, while I washed the dishes.  (Locking them in their room is not a principle of attachment parenting, but neither is yelling.  I just needed a few minutes of peace to get control of myself.)  So as I did the dishes, my husband comes up behind me, and gently, with a warm smile, starts stroking my back.  He says with a smile, "Are we going to become a screaming family now?" We laugh a little.  I feel the muscles in my back begin to unwind.  Without saying anything else, offers me unspoken words of love in his gentle touch, and I can't hold back a return smile.

His calm was contagious.  I immediately felt humility returning to my soul, and remorse begin to set in.  He made me feel like the luckiest wife on Earth in that moment.

I think that's how God reprimands us.  He lets us feel the difference between what we're choosing, and what He is choosing, and gives us the space to come into His calm if we choose-- to choose love instead of rage-- to chose self-control instead of controlling others.  His way is the way of closeness, the way of kindness, the way of self-mastery, and most of all, choice.  I chose a different evening, and apologized to my children.  I chose love.

I choose love.

Response-Ability

An ear can break a human heart

As quickly as a spear,

We wish the ear had not a heart

So dangerously near.

-Emily Dickinson

Tonight I wanted to say a family prayer, read some scriptures with the kids, and tuck them into their beds.  In my naivety, I usually imagine they want that too, because they want a perfect, happy existence as I do, right?  But often, like tonight, they don't want to think about the greater good or how stopping what they're doing in order to study and pray will help them learn self-control and greater joy in the long-run.  Sometimes they're hyped up on sugar, or their minds are running too fast, and they want and need to work off their energy both mental and physical.  Those are often the times when I find myself the most tired, and aching for some closure on the day's work.

"It's time for prayer, then we can read a story and go to bed."

"But we want to read a story now."

"No, we pray first.  It's on our list.  Prayer, then a story." 

(Kids continue to walk around, looking for books to look at.  I start to lose my composure, and I become impatient as my fatigue sets in.  Kendon wants to nurse, and I just want to pray.)

So I try a little louder,

"Come ON...PRAYER TIME.  Who's ready?  I'm counting to 5 and then you lose your story if you aren't ready for prayer;  1...2...3...4...5...  Are you ready?  Okay I'll give you one more try, and then I'm out of here."  

(Kids come and kneel down.  I begin to offer a heartfelt prayer.  In the middle of it, the kids get up again, and look for books.  As the last straw has fallen, I get up and storm out of the room, saying nothing but, "I'm done.")  

Privately, in my room, I begin the work of quenching the inner fire.  I must not allow a prayer to become a battle of wills.  I must not allow my children to determine my level of spirituality.  I'm tired, I'm worn, I've nothing left but a silent prayer for myself, by myself.

I lie down, nurse the baby, and begin to sing a lullaby, soothing my own chi and his.  He stares up at me with his big blue eyes, trusting me, depending on me, and I feel my strength of will begin to swell, and the frustration begin to fade.  I let the kids be kids, I let them be hyper a little longer, I enjoy this moment with my baby, and promise myself I will deal with the kids when I'm ready, and not before.

Later, much later, when the babe is quietly resting in his crib by my bed, I am able to deal calmly with the kids, and get them off to bed.  They will not stay put.  I give warnings that aren't heeded, the finally lock them in their room for 5 minutes.  This is done without drama, simply consequences stemming from choices. Then I give hugs and kisses, assuring them it's in their best interests to sleep.  My daughter is crying, and I smooth her hair as I tell her that I love her, and suggest to her she take the time to pray now, but I won't force it.  I leave the door open as I exit.  They fall asleep within minutes.  This is the picture of an imperfect family, struggling to find our way as we go. 

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During a trip to the Temple one month, I browsed the used book section of the church bookstore.  I found a book entitled  The Soft Reply, Ideas for Christlike Communication by Barlow L. Packer.  I fanned through the pages, and saw that a previous owner had marked key passages, and left notes in the margins, which I love, when those are meaningful to me also.  I was giddy.  Something told me that this would become a very important book to me.  I could hardly wait to get home and read it.  It is rare, but occasionally, a book can truly change my perspective and actually help me alter myself for the better.  There are a precious few books that I can say have done this for me apart from the scriptures.  This is one of them.

pg. 19 [Quote by Theodore M. Burton  Ensign November 1974, p.56] "Whenever you get red in the face, whenever you raise your voice, whenever you get "hot under the collar," or angry...know that the Spirit of God is leaving you and the spirit of Satan is beginning to take over.  At times we may feel justified in arguing or fighting... Do not be deceived... You can recognize the Spirit of Christ within you when you speak to another or speak of another person with warm smiles instead of with a frown or scowl."

Try dissecting the above quote.  Read it slowly again and again.  Pay attention to each word.  I like to stress the phrase, "warm smiles."  He is not speaking of just any kind of smile.  Not self-righteous, or triumphant smiles, not  forced, hypocritical smiles--but "warm smiles."  We can feel the difference, and so can anyone who sees them.

pg. 40  "Satan constantly seeks opportunities "to fan into a flame the slightest spark of discontent.1"  

I learned something I had never considered before:

pg.41 "Talking out an emotion doesn't reduce it, it rehearses it." (Quoting Carol Tavris of Psychology Today)

We are told in American society that anger must be released, or it will harm our psyches.  We are told that we must vent it out, or it will fester and boil within us.  We're told that if we don't tell someone, either the offender or another person, that it will stay inside us permanently.  Many of us can think of angry people who hold on to old wounds, and we mistakenly think that this is because they have not discussed it enough, or expressed this discontent in some way that they are unable to let it go.  But prophets and scriptures tell us a different truth.  The "vent your anger" lie is one of the most destructive lies that hurts humanity so many different ways.  Children, Adults, and Infirm alike, all are scarred by the fire or others' ire.

Packer quotes President Brigham Young on p.41 when asked, "Had I not better let it out than to keep it rankling within me?": Young replies, "No, I will keep bad feelings under and actually smother them to death, then they are gone...This is what I call resisting the devil, and he flees from me.  I strive to not speak evil, to not feel evil, and if I do, to keep it to myself until it is gone from me, and not let it pass my lips."

President Young is quoted again  as saying, "If you are tried and tempted and buffeted by Satan, keep your thoughts to yourselves--keep your mouths closed...If we have light or intelligence...we will impart it; but our bad feelings we will keep to ourselves."

Satan models the temper tantrum perfectly in the book of Moses 1:19, 21, 22.  He shows us the perfect example of venting anger, something Christ never practiced.  "And Satan commanded saying I am the Only Begotten, Worship Me...And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook...And...Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth..."   

Hold this image up to the mirror.  This is Satan's way.  God's way is much different.

pg. 86 "In many situations a soft reply will require you to relinquish your need to defend, or convince others of you point of view.  It is so easy to lash back, but...the Savior "answered them not," and did not call down the angels of heaven to destroy His abusers...He had the power to overcome them all, but His unwavering commitment to the Atonement and the love it would demonstrate to all mankind was superior to any fleeting gratification, such as we ourselves might have enjoyed from taking a moment to "clean house" on our accusers to preserve our ego.  In the long term, it is always easier to love.  It always takes more effort to clean up after a spiteful relapse."

Let me repeat that next-to-last line for emphasis.  "In the long term, it is always easier to love."  

Brigham Young, who overcame this very weakness with which I struggle, was quoted on p. 40 giving the advice I took this evening.  "I will say, there is not a man in this house who has a more indomitable and unyielding temper than myself.  But there is not a man in the world who cannot overcome his passion, if he will struggle earnestly to do so.  If you find passion coming on you, go off to some place where you cannot be heard;...struggle till it leaves you; and pray for strength to overcome."  

Packer explains so eloquently that it is actually taking the easiest, most effortless path to simply control ourselves rather than contend.  He quotes Deepak Chopra on p.86, "When you feel frustrated or upset by a person or a situation, remember that you are not reacting to the person or situation, but to your feelings about the person or situation.  These are your feelings, and your feelings are not someone else's fault.  When you recognize and understand this completely, you are ready to take responsibility for how you feel and to change it...Responsibility...means the ability to have a creative response to the situation."

There are many examples of this in the scriptures, such as the Savior's response to the woman taken in adultery.  Packer sites (pp. 90-92) the dramatic story of Christ sleeping in the bottom of his disciples' fishing boat when a fierce storm threatens to sink them.  He is roused by his disciples, and upon his awakening, he commands the winds and the waves, "Peace, be still."

Each of us has a secret weapon against the storms that enter us when we feel our temperature rising, and our thoughts begin to turn fierce.  Sleeping in the bottom of our souls, is The Son of God, and when we awaken Him, he will rise up and say to our mind and body, "Peace, be still."   As we surrender our own desires and adopt the way of Christ, we will feel the power of refusing to surrender to Satan's way, and instead surrender our weakness to Christ.  While Satan laughs at our weakness and relishes each scar we leave behind, Christ rewards our surrender to Him with peace, confidence, and added strength for our next trial.  I testify that this is true, and is possible for me, and you.

Happy Birthday, my son

Dear Son,

You are 1 year old now. At this time 1 year ago, I was gazing at your perfect face, wondering what your name was going to be. You changed everything. Your birth, your personality, your smile, your love changed me, your dad, and your brother and sister. Some people thought that after we had a boy and a girl that we didn't need any more kids, but I always knew better. We needed you. Thank you for coming to us.

The day you were born my love for your dad deepened, my commitment to him strengthened, and I felt a peace and happiness I never knew was possible in this life.

You were born in our bedroom with a midwife, on the very bed that your big brother was born on with the same midwife, and your big sister was nursed on. Your dad was sitting behind me; he was my strength and comfort. He prayed with me, he cried with me, and he laughed with me, encouraged me, and believed in me. He was everything and everyone I needed right then.

Instead of complaining about the pain of labor, I looked forward to each step closer to meeting you. Instead of wishing it were over, I savored each contraction as an opportunity to draw closer to God, and to your dad. Near the end, when it was time to push you out, I had to overcome some fear, and our midwife helped me by telling me scriptures, and I hugged your Daddy's legs as I cried just long enough to get my feelings out. Then I felt a wave of excitement and happiness come over me, and I told the midwife and your dad, "I want to hold my baby so much!" Finally, you were born, and I got to hold you with Daddy's arms around my own, in our first loving embrace.

You were perfect and beautiful. You were tiny, snuggly, and soft; and loved to be held all the time. Your brother and sister loved you so much! Sometimes they fought over who got to hold you. You were "Peter's baby," but you were also Kaylee's baby, because she didn't remember when Peter was her baby. Peter would often say, "Mommy, will you please feed my baby?" Kaylee would say, "This is my brother-sister."

Mommy nursed you, but you were the hardest to nurse, and we went through 4 weeks of pain to get it right. I'm grateful now that I went through it all, and with the help of Roxanne, our wonderful lactation consultant, we never gave up till we got it right. Now you and I enjoy a bond that fills both our souls with happy calm and comfort. I am thankful for that struggle because it forced me down to my knees, and my love for God grew as I spoke with him earnestly day after day.

You changed everything. You changed my heart and softened it toward things I needed to be more open to. You were the 3rd and final reason I needed to have the humility to grow, the faith to look for a better way to be, and a softer way to love and teach. I love you my son, and I remember this as a changing day for all of us, when you were born one year ago, today.

CALM

Click on this CALM to see a great video of Kirk Martin talking about being calm. I love to watch and listen to these clips over and over, because they are calming to me. I have not been able to watch a Calm video, and then go yell at the kids or spouse. As a parent and a human being, I want to be like Kirk, with a calm that invites everyone in. Nothing and no one could take that away from me. Doesn't everyone want that?? Kirk found it in himself, and so can anyone else. I heard a leader in church say, "you can say, 'I will never be angry again,' and actually keep your promise to yourself." I tried it on my own, and failed, miserably. Celebrate Calm was the answer to prayer I needed.

An Answer to Prayer

Do you struggle with hyper, emotional, impossible to control children? You are not alone.

My confession : I have struggled with my daughter for the past year. She has always been intense and head-strong, and as she's grown we have reacted to it by spanking harder or more often, yelling, telling her she was annoying, pushing her around, and other things I now know are immature and hurtful. I knew something had to change when she began to threaten her own safety, and others around her. I've never told anyone this, but one day I saw her watch the baby fall off the couch, and she actually smiled! It shocked me! Did I have an evil child? No. I had an angry and hurt child, who was very strong to the core and refused to be broken.

My sister told me "It sounds like you need Celebrate Calm."   Immediately I was irritated.  Just one more parenting program that I knew wouldn't work.

The thing I was struck with immediately as I began to read Celebrate Calm newsletters, was, "It's like this guy is peeking through our windows!  He's describing my family exactly!"  I have begun to experiment a little, and am finding immediate, positive results.

I am still a work in progress, and I have not been completely successfull in changing the way I parent yet, but it's baby steps, and I definitely am taking those!

Here is a sample of a newsletter from Celebrate Calm:
[Shortened, and changes in colors and appearances have been done by me. My comments are in these blue brackets.]
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Why You Should Want A Strong-Willed Child
Confession: When my son was young, he was a really "difficult" child in every sense. I struggled with this and tried to drive this oppositional nature out of him. Instead, I drove it deeper within him and began down a path of destroying my relationship with my son.

It wasn't until I heard a still, small voice whispering three questions to me that I began to see Casey in a different way: What if there isn't necessarily anything wrong with your son? What if he is made this way on purpose, and you are frustrating those purposes? What if instead of changing Casey, you are the one who needs to change? Ouch.

The response to those three questions forever changed my life and my relationship with my son. And it is the reason Celebrate!Calm exists today. I cannot tell you how many parents lament, "Why couldn't I have been given an easier/complaint child?" I understand the internal struggle when you realize parenting is more difficult than you expected. But I must ask you the same tough question: are you ready to grow up and be mature rather than just wishing your child would be different?

A Warning

I believe in firm, matter-of-fact rules, expectations and consequences. I am principled and cannot be moved emotionally by my teenage son. I am the king of my home, but I do not walk around acting like an immature, insecure dictator who cannot stand when my son disagrees with me. I let my yes be yes and my no be no.

But that is far different from the negative, stern, harsh tone we often adopt with these children out of frustration. Many parents think their job is to "drive the disobedience" out of their strong-willed children. Alas, many of us unwittingly engender this disobedience and set our kids up for failure. We are so unyielding and demanding in our approach, that we create battles and "yes-no" standoffs repeatedly throughout the day. Are you creating battles where none need exist?

[This felt like a slap in the face, and a kick in the pants; both of which I needed!]

If you take this approach, you will drive this oppositional nature deeper into your child. You will sever your relationship with your own child. You will send the message that there is something wrong with your child, that you don't like him or her, that he'll never meet your expectations. You'll withhold the affirmation and unconditional acceptance your child desperately needs. And guess what happens? Kids like this find themselves seeking affirmation and acceptance from other disaffected peer groups. They will seek acceptance somewhere--better from you than a teenage boy, or group of social outcasts. Many of you grew up in homes like this, dealing with rejection from your parents, and now you find yourself repeating the cycle. You must, must, must change this.

[So on the positive end, what DO we do? Kirk gives 4 steps that are simplistic in principle, but far from simple to achieve. He expounds a great deal on each of these, but I will just give a summary.]

1. Check your own heart and deal with your own anxiety.
[This morning I was concerned that my daughter needed to go to the bathroom and was holding it in. I could feel my blood pressure rising, and I realized that each time I told her to go, my heart raced more. I came close to yelling at her to GO POTTY! Instead, I paused and looked inward. Why did this bother me? I said to myself; it's not healthy for her to hold it. Besides, she needs to learn to just go so she doesn't have accidents the way I did as a child. Then I realized my anxiety stemmed from my own childhood, and I needed to take a step back and let her have ownership over her own bladder, and childhood. I did not allow her to ignore or disobey me, but I calmed myself down, and refused to be moved to anger or frustration. Just another way I used Kirk's advice in my daily life.]
2. Calm yourself: Don't take it personally.
3. Give your child some ownership. (So for kids who are naturally more independent, I want to show the big picture and create the parameters, but give them some options.) [For instance, I wanted my daughter to pick up her litter and throw it in the trash this morning. She ignored me when I said, "Pick that up and put it in the trash." But when I said, "Kaylee, we want this floor to be clean, right? Let's pick up our trash so the floor can be clean." She perked up, and picked it up. But she didn't throw it away immediately. It was too easy a task. She asked to take the trash to the can across the room and behind a shopping cart instead of the one a few feet away. At first I tried to convince her that the closer one was better, but then I stopped myself. I realized that she just needed more of a challenge, and I allowed it, then praised her afterwards. Everyone won.]
4. Cultivate gifts, talents, and passions.

[To see more, go to www.celebratecalm.com, or reply to this post requesting more info. I can send you the specific newsletter I got this from.]

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My friends and family have heard me tell about how I love this website and this program. I have not invested yet in the CDs Kirk sells, though I want to desperately. I've seen and felt progress just by getting the free newsletters. I have learned so much, but more importantly, I've had the shift in perspective that is the foundation for change.



If you read these descriptions, and feel it applies to you, don't be afraid to check it out. The newsletter I signed up for comes as he writes them, which is sporadic, and he doesn't share email addresses. I love to talk about the things I'm learning with anyone and everyone, because I think every child and every family ought to have this gift.



I thought I was doing well to "have high expectations" of my daughter. But all I was really doing was disaproving of my daughter, day after day, until frustration and disappointment became a part of who she was, and how she saw herself. Now we have a better idea of the direction we should be taking, and we have more tools to draw from. I can't wait to learn even more and keep practicing!