Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Beautiful
The More We Know of Jesus
“The more we know of Jesus, the more we will love Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will trust Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will want to be like Him and to be with Him by becoming the manner of men and women that He wishes us to be, while living now ‘after the manner of happiness’.”
Dear Mother,
Sunday morning, I woke up early prayed, read scriptures, and got myself and the kids bathed, dressed, fed and in the car. I made Kevin some toast and woke him up by giving him breakfast in bed. I told him I loved him, and missed him. He glowed and smiled in a way I hadn't seen in awhile. I was feeling spiritual, and I stayed calm and spoke to the kids with the Holy Ghost as a conduit, so they listened. Through every obstacle, like Kaylee refusing to wear shoes, we sailed through it, the Holy Spirit and I, and we kept my focus on the eternal perspective. We got to church about 5 minutes early.
Soft Answers
I didn't fret or let my light be diminished about whether or not Kevin would show up to church. I only felt love for him, not even a smidge of resentment or judging him harshly. Sacrament meeting was about---not judging others. I did have to take the baby out several times. We are not perfect, after all. At one point the kids were fighting over the only toy we brought in. I took it and them out to the car. I put it in the car, hugged them, and said we were at church to feel Jesus's love in our hearts, not fight over toys. They seemed resigned.
Kendon found that seeing other babies in the hallway was much more interesting than sacrament meeting, and kept pulling on me as I sat down again in Sacrament meeting, and saying, "Get UP!" I held him close and rocked him, and whispered that I loved him. Eventually he settled down and I was able to sit through the remainder of the meeting.
Rewards for staying Calm
Kendon went to nursery, climbed into a chair and sat with his arms folded. It was amazing. Usually he cries and hangs on me, or at least whimpers, and I have to sneak out while he's distracted. Not today. He looked straight at me, and smiled as he folded his arms reverently as I left. In fact all the nursery kids were sitting in their seats instead of playing with toys. They have some really good teachers, and I also believe the little ones can feel the Spirit.
Instead of Reacting out of Anxiety, Using the Holy Ghost
The second hour of church, Kaylee was really struggling, and wouldn't go in to primary. (It was a difficult morning for her.) She looked really tired, or sad, like she was stuffing down some feelings. I looked at her with spiritual eyes, and could see something was bothering her. I sat down on the floor with her in the hallway, and asked in a calm voice what was going on.
She finally muttered that she had a bad dream last night. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She shook her head no. Never before has she declined to tell me a dream. She usually loves to go on and on and imbelish her dreams, even the bad ones. I tried to get some details from her, and got out of her that she was hurt in her dream. She lay her head on my lap and stared into the distance, looking very sober and sad. I prayed silently. I told her that no matter what, Mommy would always love her, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus love her and are watching her. I told her she was just a little girl, and shouldn't need to worry about anything. No matter what, me, or daddy, or another grown-up like Sister Sunny would make sure everything will be okay.
She looked up and saw a picture of Samuel the Lamanite. She asked about it. I told her the story. She asked over and over how Heavenly Father protected him from getting hurt. I told her that Heavenly Father wouldn't let Samuel be killed because he still had work to do for Heavenly Father. I told her that none of us can die until our work is finished. After we've finished our jobs to do for Heavenly Father, He may let us die, and that's okay, because he will take us to be with him. I said that as long as we stay close to Jesus Christ, He will take care of our spirits, and our hearts. We won't be scared, or alone, because He will be with us, just like He was with Samuel. We don't have to worry about if our body gets hurt as long as Jesus is taking care of our spirits. We got up then, and went into my Sunday School class. Kaylee told me after we got in that she felt better and was ready to go to primary. She left her shoes with me, and went. I let go of the need to keep up appearances, put her shoes in my purse, and went to Sunday School.
Refusing to be Embarrassed
After church, I met with three women I'd asked to participate in a Relief Society activity. We had a meeting about what I've asked them to do, and all of us felt the spirit. All of them saw this a an opportunity to grow, and as we basked in the spirit, the kids ran in and were being rowdy. I quietly shooed the kids out, without losing my temper, and told the women that I had read words of prophets saying that it is possible to feel the spirit even when little children are being loud and rowdy, but if an adult loses patience with the children, the spirit departs. They all agreed, and we spoke of how precious children are. I told them that the most spiritual event in my life by far happened with kids literally running and screaming all over the house. I felt that truth fill my soul, and they felt it too.
My kids came back in and were being irreverent, and running, but the spirit still did not depart. Eventually, the kids mellowed out a little, as we stayed calm. One of the sisters spoke of how she never grounded or sent her kids to their room. She said that she instead had them sit at the kitchen table until the bad feelings went away. She said it helped both of them, because they were still around eachother, and when they are alone, they just stewed and the bad feelings get worse. Her kids all turned out well, and are now parents and have told her that they never wanted to rebel because she treated them like they were angels and they couldn't bear to disappoint her. I told her I wanted to try that, because I lock my kids in their room, and they hate it and I hate it. Another said that her parents were the same way. They treated her as though she were an angel, the light of their life, and she never wanted to disappoint them. I felt like I needed to learn from them, and use their insight in my own parenting. Kids have missions from Heavenly Father. If I keep the spirit in our home, they can feel what missions they are to perform.
Tough Love Can Still be Soft Love
The kids were wild because they were hungry. We got home and I made some lunch. We cheered when we saw Kevin, and ran and hugged him. Kevin had a headache, and was not feeling well, but he felt loved, and was happy to see us, and came up and ate lunch at the table with us. (Though the reason he didn't come to church was because I was not there to tell him where his good pants were, which tells you how behind I am on the laundry. I don't take responsibility for his choice, but I do see I can be accountable for my part.)
Kaylee complained that she wanted cereal instead of homemade burritos. I didn't let her move me, and refused to give her cereal, but in a calm, cheerful way. I told her later, with love in my heart, that the reason she doesn't get to chose her food all the time, is because she's still a little kid, and she doesn't always understand about food. Grown-ups know more about food and our bodies, and what our bodies need to stay healthy. I said I need to choose her food until she's a grown-up and will know enough about things to choose her own food. I of course try to teach her about nutrition, but it's a work in progress. She tried only one more time to sneak into the cereal, and I, still with love in my heart, allowed only Peter to eat the cereal, because he had eaten his burrito. I cheerfully told her that when she ate some healthy food, she could have a little bit of the sugar food. I explained that she must eat more healthy than sugar foods. (The burrito, was ground up kidney beans with black beans and cheese mixed in, wrapped in a tortilla. It was pretty darn healthy.) She had this look of happiness on her face, even as I took the cereal away. They love it when I stay calm AND keep my promises.
Soft LOVE
Kevin had a migraine. He was miserable, and asked me to sit with him. I told the kids that daddy had a headache, and we needed to be quiet, and I sat with Kevin that afternoon, and read scriptures while he slept or moaned. I brought him water, a cold pack for his head. The kids were very good and quiet, and left him alone. At one point, I heard Kaylee tell Peter, "Daddy is very sick, Peter, you have to be quiet....He's probably dead." I assured them that Daddy would be okay.
The Root of 'Discipline' is 'Disciple'
The kids started arguing over some trains. Kaylee has been feeling extra protective of Kendon lately, and thought she was defending him, and was mad at Peter, who was hogging the trains saying, "I want to play all by myself!" I followed the prompting of the Spirit. Kaylee kept telling me, "Mom, will you please just pack up the trains, Peter isn't sharing with Kendon." But I said no, I wanted them to practice playing together. After several attempts of letting them work it out on their own, I had to go intercede.
I took Peter in my arms, and rocked him. I spoke gently of Heavenly Father's love for him, and my love for him. I told him about his brother and sister, and how much they love him. I explained that when Kendon tries to take toys from him, it's not because he's trying to steal them, it's because he wants to play with him. I said, "Peter, Kendon wants to be your best buddy. Can you be his best buddy?" We talked a little about how to play together, and Peter was still whiney and unreceptive. But then Kaylee and Kendon came over, and started handing trains to him, and I praised them, and told Peter, "you see? Kendon loves you way more than that train. Kaylee loves you more than that train too! Pretty soon, Peter was sharing back, and I praised him, and said, "see? you love them much more than trains! We all love to be a happy family, more than we love toys, don't we?" All the kids agreed, and each of the kids ran and hugged me, and told me they loved me so much. After that, they played well together, and eventually lost interest in the trains, and focused on eachother.
At the End of the Day
I tidied up and put in some of Kevin's clothes to wash for the next morning. I noticed at 11pm that he had no socks for the next day. So I stayed up late washing laundry. I set out his clothes for the morning, because he'd told me he had extra work to do in the morning, and I knew he would be pressed for time. So at 2am, I had all his clothes, including socks, set out for him. It felt like the perfect end of the perfect day.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Attitude, Kids Cleaning, and More
Dear Mom,
Since I've been sick, I've given myself a free pass and slept in. That means I haven't read scriptures as dutifully as I ought. I still do read, but at odd times of the day it is more easily missed. Then the last two days I was upset at myself when I realized that both days I'd read to the kids, but not my personal studies. Shame on me!
I have also been on edge and cranky, and today it was probably the worst in a long time as far as my attitude toward my husband. He's been quite stand-offish for the last few weeks. He had come out of the cave he's been in. It was absolutely critical that I do not shut him down! Thankfully, the Lord did help soften my heart, and I did manage to keep my thoughts virtuous from then on.
Today the kids asked to get some of their confiscated toys back. When I realized that they've been keeping their room clean, and even Peter picked it up by himself today, I consented. I handed Peter two bins, and Kaylee got a bin, and we went to get some toys from Daddy's locked office. I said they could fill up all the bins they were carrying. Peter got two toys, which were actually two parts to the same toy, and put one in each bin. He had enjoyed some of the other toys for a minute, but chose not to put them in the bins. When I did it for him, he took them out and said, "No thank you." He said that was all he wanted, and left.
Kaylee came in, and I was certain that she was old enough to take full advantage of my offer. I started helping her out by sorting out some of the little dolls and such for her, and she spotted a few ponies. I put them in her bin, and added some princesses and misc. girlie toys in her bin. It was halfway full when she said, "Actually Mommy, I am happy with just the Ponies." Flabbergasted, I happily removed my other additions, and then with that and two fairies she found, she was finished. At bed time, there was not one toy on the floor of their room.
All I've done lately, is I've gathered up anything that's been on the floor that belongs to them, including clothes, and locked it in Daddy's office. This has given us a better idea of how many toys and clothes they can handle cleaning up on their own. It's also a consequence with some teeth, and incentive to pick things up. I did find pants and shirts stuffed in the toy bins today, and no organization at all in the bins, but I can't be too nit-picky, they are only 4 and 5, and they're picking up their room without being told!
Kaylee and Peter are so close, I sometimes feel left out! It's silly, but it can cause real problems with schooling, because they often just ignore me and go off together. I try to work with each separately, but sometimes it is impossible. I want K and P to be close, but Kaylee needs to be writing her name. Peter can hardly hold a pencil. Kaylee doesn't always think she should be held to a higher standard. She could also be reading a little, and she's not.
Kevin says it was a long hard struggle for him to learn to read, while math came much easier. So it's been with Kaylee. Math is easy. She just gets it. Same with Peter. They've both taught them selves to add and subtract with their fingers up to 5, and are working on numbers up to 10. Peter did 5 and 3 is 8 the other day! We don't do it on paper yet, per our new guidelines, but they are taking the reigns of learning it themselves. They're not waiting to be taught, they are actively learning on their own. I am only facilitating, and guiding loosely.
Overall, I feel good about our family. We have our bad moments, days, weeks, etc, but the good days outnumber and outweigh the bad days. We love each other, and are working on ourselves, and sometimes if all the stars line up right, we even work together at making our family run happily and smoothly.
I laughed when Kaylee felt so sorry for a girl in her class who only has sisters, "she doesn't have a...(she couldn't remember the word for brother) boy that lives with her that she could dance with like a prince or marry when she grows up. I guess she'll never get married. I feel so sad for her..." Sometimes when she gets very upset at Peter, she says, "I will NEVER marry you!" Then when she calms down, she changes her mind again. Though she did want to marry Kevin for awhile, then Pampa, now Peter. Ah the fickle nature of woman.
I loved reading your letter to your Mother. It reminded me of how important it is to the kids that the Gospel be important to me. It also showed me how I am the leader, like it or not, in my family, and I can't just go along, I've got to build the path and pave the way! I felt inspired to try and work harder. I have now set my alarm for 4:30am, and will repent promptly.
Love you!
Ginny Lee
Since I've been sick, I've given myself a free pass and slept in. That means I haven't read scriptures as dutifully as I ought. I still do read, but at odd times of the day it is more easily missed. Then the last two days I was upset at myself when I realized that both days I'd read to the kids, but not my personal studies. Shame on me!
I have also been on edge and cranky, and today it was probably the worst in a long time as far as my attitude toward my husband. He's been quite stand-offish for the last few weeks. He had come out of the cave he's been in. It was absolutely critical that I do not shut him down! Thankfully, the Lord did help soften my heart, and I did manage to keep my thoughts virtuous from then on.
Today the kids asked to get some of their confiscated toys back. When I realized that they've been keeping their room clean, and even Peter picked it up by himself today, I consented. I handed Peter two bins, and Kaylee got a bin, and we went to get some toys from Daddy's locked office. I said they could fill up all the bins they were carrying. Peter got two toys, which were actually two parts to the same toy, and put one in each bin. He had enjoyed some of the other toys for a minute, but chose not to put them in the bins. When I did it for him, he took them out and said, "No thank you." He said that was all he wanted, and left.
Kaylee came in, and I was certain that she was old enough to take full advantage of my offer. I started helping her out by sorting out some of the little dolls and such for her, and she spotted a few ponies. I put them in her bin, and added some princesses and misc. girlie toys in her bin. It was halfway full when she said, "Actually Mommy, I am happy with just the Ponies." Flabbergasted, I happily removed my other additions, and then with that and two fairies she found, she was finished. At bed time, there was not one toy on the floor of their room.
All I've done lately, is I've gathered up anything that's been on the floor that belongs to them, including clothes, and locked it in Daddy's office. This has given us a better idea of how many toys and clothes they can handle cleaning up on their own. It's also a consequence with some teeth, and incentive to pick things up. I did find pants and shirts stuffed in the toy bins today, and no organization at all in the bins, but I can't be too nit-picky, they are only 4 and 5, and they're picking up their room without being told!
Kaylee and Peter are so close, I sometimes feel left out! It's silly, but it can cause real problems with schooling, because they often just ignore me and go off together. I try to work with each separately, but sometimes it is impossible. I want K and P to be close, but Kaylee needs to be writing her name. Peter can hardly hold a pencil. Kaylee doesn't always think she should be held to a higher standard. She could also be reading a little, and she's not.
Kevin says it was a long hard struggle for him to learn to read, while math came much easier. So it's been with Kaylee. Math is easy. She just gets it. Same with Peter. They've both taught them selves to add and subtract with their fingers up to 5, and are working on numbers up to 10. Peter did 5 and 3 is 8 the other day! We don't do it on paper yet, per our new guidelines, but they are taking the reigns of learning it themselves. They're not waiting to be taught, they are actively learning on their own. I am only facilitating, and guiding loosely.
Overall, I feel good about our family. We have our bad moments, days, weeks, etc, but the good days outnumber and outweigh the bad days. We love each other, and are working on ourselves, and sometimes if all the stars line up right, we even work together at making our family run happily and smoothly.
I laughed when Kaylee felt so sorry for a girl in her class who only has sisters, "she doesn't have a...(she couldn't remember the word for brother) boy that lives with her that she could dance with like a prince or marry when she grows up. I guess she'll never get married. I feel so sad for her..." Sometimes when she gets very upset at Peter, she says, "I will NEVER marry you!" Then when she calms down, she changes her mind again. Though she did want to marry Kevin for awhile, then Pampa, now Peter. Ah the fickle nature of woman.
I loved reading your letter to your Mother. It reminded me of how important it is to the kids that the Gospel be important to me. It also showed me how I am the leader, like it or not, in my family, and I can't just go along, I've got to build the path and pave the way! I felt inspired to try and work harder. I have now set my alarm for 4:30am, and will repent promptly.
Love you!
Ginny Lee
Monday, January 18, 2010
The more I know, the more I don't know...
Daily Life
I believe every day there should be something the kids and/or I can count on and look forward to. I do enjoy our traditions, and often pray that the kids will cooperate. My kids do not obey my every word, and sometimes they won't listen at all. Especially when they're stir crazy during these winter months. Then, out of the blue, we'll have a really good day when they will surprise me with their insight and kindness, and they will prove to me that they deserve the high praise I heap upon them. I continually take their spiritual, emotional, and intellectual temperatures, and measure that to what it was a week ago, or a month ago, and try to evaluate if we've improved or slipped back somewhere.
Homeschooling
I started having 30 minutes alone with each child. Kaylee teaches Kendon while I work with Peter. Peter is supposed to teach Kendon while I work with Kaylee. Kaylee teaches Peter while I work with Kendon. Peter doesn't take to this teaching stuff very naturally, but then again, he's only 3.
Kaylee loves Jesus, and loves to think about him and talk about him. One day Peter was asking about why the water obeys Jesus. I started thinking about explaining the power of God, but Kaylee answered for me. She said, "Because the water loves Him. Right Mommy?" I was amazed at how true and simple that was, and agreed whole heartedly. I added, "We love Jesus, so we want to obey him too."
Peter is such a quick learner. I am inundated constantly, every day by questions about every movie, TV show, book, or event he's ever seen or heard. In order to teach him, all I have to do is answer every question with attention instead of just pacifying him with pat answers. He is so easy and listens so well to what I'm saying, even though he may be bouncing on the couch at the time, I tend to give him less attention, which I need to rectify.
Kendon is growing and learning to talk rapidly! I can't keep up! Every day he'll say a new sentence, and surprise me that he knows what he's saying. His favorite phrase right now, is "No way!" He is so funny, and he's full of character. He loves to say, "Hea hav dat" as he hands me things. He also loves to sit and read with me, which also helps his improving vocabulary. He is a climber, which is my only frustration with him. He won't stay off of the table, counters, or changing table, and I'm constantly worried that he's going to break an arm!
Striving Always for Better
We're a work in progress, and every day we mess up and have to refocus. Every day I ask for help and forgiveness, then help again, and every day, by the end of the day, I feel the Spirit of Christ return to our walls, and fill us up with protection from the outside influences that might tear us down otherwise. I guess that's what it's all about, and that's why the Bible tells us, "don't let the sun go down on your anger." Because we want to sleep with Christ's light filling our hearts and minds, and angels to watch over us in our vulnerable state. We can't have that if we've gone to bed angry or have not apologized for any contention and resolved it, allowing the Spirit to return.
I have HOPE that with Christ's help and example, I will some day reach my righteous goals in life. I say to myself every day, "Never give up, Ginny. Growth is happening as long as you NEVER give up."
I believe every day there should be something the kids and/or I can count on and look forward to. I do enjoy our traditions, and often pray that the kids will cooperate. My kids do not obey my every word, and sometimes they won't listen at all. Especially when they're stir crazy during these winter months. Then, out of the blue, we'll have a really good day when they will surprise me with their insight and kindness, and they will prove to me that they deserve the high praise I heap upon them. I continually take their spiritual, emotional, and intellectual temperatures, and measure that to what it was a week ago, or a month ago, and try to evaluate if we've improved or slipped back somewhere.
Homeschooling
I started having 30 minutes alone with each child. Kaylee teaches Kendon while I work with Peter. Peter is supposed to teach Kendon while I work with Kaylee. Kaylee teaches Peter while I work with Kendon. Peter doesn't take to this teaching stuff very naturally, but then again, he's only 3.
Kaylee loves Jesus, and loves to think about him and talk about him. One day Peter was asking about why the water obeys Jesus. I started thinking about explaining the power of God, but Kaylee answered for me. She said, "Because the water loves Him. Right Mommy?" I was amazed at how true and simple that was, and agreed whole heartedly. I added, "We love Jesus, so we want to obey him too."
Peter is such a quick learner. I am inundated constantly, every day by questions about every movie, TV show, book, or event he's ever seen or heard. In order to teach him, all I have to do is answer every question with attention instead of just pacifying him with pat answers. He is so easy and listens so well to what I'm saying, even though he may be bouncing on the couch at the time, I tend to give him less attention, which I need to rectify.
Kendon is growing and learning to talk rapidly! I can't keep up! Every day he'll say a new sentence, and surprise me that he knows what he's saying. His favorite phrase right now, is "No way!" He is so funny, and he's full of character. He loves to say, "Hea hav dat" as he hands me things. He also loves to sit and read with me, which also helps his improving vocabulary. He is a climber, which is my only frustration with him. He won't stay off of the table, counters, or changing table, and I'm constantly worried that he's going to break an arm!
Striving Always for Better
We're a work in progress, and every day we mess up and have to refocus. Every day I ask for help and forgiveness, then help again, and every day, by the end of the day, I feel the Spirit of Christ return to our walls, and fill us up with protection from the outside influences that might tear us down otherwise. I guess that's what it's all about, and that's why the Bible tells us, "don't let the sun go down on your anger." Because we want to sleep with Christ's light filling our hearts and minds, and angels to watch over us in our vulnerable state. We can't have that if we've gone to bed angry or have not apologized for any contention and resolved it, allowing the Spirit to return.
I have HOPE that with Christ's help and example, I will some day reach my righteous goals in life. I say to myself every day, "Never give up, Ginny. Growth is happening as long as you NEVER give up."
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Regression, Confession, Renewal, Rebirth
Confession: During the last few weeks I slipped into some old habits, and felt myself getting angrier and angrier, and noticed that I re-started yelling like I used to. I felt awful about it, and kept apologizing, and trying to do better, but a part of me blamed them, and that allowed me to continue the negative pattern. I finally turned to the Lord about this, taking my own advice.
I felt inspired to think more deeply about it. What was I really angry about? What was underneath that rage? What usually triggered the outbursts? I listened to the Kirk Martin CDs again. Specifically CD 2, Create a Calm Home.
I realized that I got angriest when I couldn't bark a command and they follow-when they refused to be robots, and they exercised their right to choose their own actions, words, and feelings. The more I attempted to control, the angrier I got. Whether it was how they put on their PJs, how they spoke to each other, or how they used their time, I was trying to be the puppeteer. Most of all, I was so busy trying to force them to be calm and in control of themselves that I neglected to realize that it's not my job to do that for them. Only they can do that for themselves. My job is to simply control what I do, say, and feel. I was the huge hypocrite trying to pull the moat from their eyes while ignoring the beam in my own.
Once I realized that, I stopped immediately. I let go. Every time they got into a conflict, or made a choice I wouldn't have made, I let go of my anxiety. I don't need perfect children. I just need to be proactive and calm. I cry as I write this, because it's such a powerful experience to let go and say, "My child is responsible for his or her own life!" It is not to say I don't care, or won't do everything I can to help guide and teach. I am talking about letting go of making the choices for them-even telling them what choice to make. Teach consequences. Allow them to fail. These are things I was forgetting to do, and as soon as I remembered, and started letting go of my need to control again, a massive change came over me and my family once again. My children trust me again, and give thanks for my new attitude, again.
Last night the children decided to have some fun as I took an evening shower. They got into some rice, and spread it all over the kitchen, carpeted basement steps, couch, and living room carpet. Then they took some water and sprinkled it all over the rice making it stick to everything it touched, including their feet. So it was literally all over the house. Can you imagine the scene that awaited me when I walked out of my room? I was armed with the Spirit of Christ after reading scriptures and praying that day, and having a new outlook. I whispered when I might have yelled, I got to work when I might have flown off the handle, and I allowed the children to help clean up, instead of fighting and forcing them. They lost their movie privilege for the night, and they didn't argue it. They had to go directly to bed after dinner, with no story and no extra time with Mommy. But I still prayed with them, and the miracle was: I didn't feel angry.
It took me an hour to clean up all the rice. The whole time I thought about how much fun they must have had, and thought of their beautiful laughs and smiles, and I gave thanks that they were playing happily together, and making each other their best friends. They were very sorry, and helped me clean as much as they could, and accepted their punishment. Peter did protest a little at not getting to read a story, and I almost gave in, because it is education, after all, but I resolved that he would get a story tomorrow, but not during punishment time. I was firm, but not angry, unmoved, but still loving. I wasn't pushing down or stuffing down anger or frustration. It simply wasn't there, because I had surrendered. I cannot control them, and no amount of angry shouting or ranting and raving will change that. But there is something I can control, and that is me.
When I saw the rice, my mind made an instant split:
| What can I do? | What can't I do? |
| I can sweep and vacuum. | Go back in time and change what they did. |
| I can praise God, and see the good. | Force them to never ever again choose this. |
| I can think of a consequence. | Control their attitudes. |
| I can let go of my anxiety. | Control my husband's reaction to the mess. |
| I can do a great, thorough job of cleaning. | Magically will away the mess. |
| I can listen to music and poetry in my mind. | Stop my kids from laughing or playing. |
| I can enforce a consequence without debate. | Change the situation. |
Perhaps it's fitting that the same evening, I happened to read in my favorite book, Help for the Harried Homeschooler by Christine M. Field, Page 269:
"When I gave up my need to control, much of my anger and frustration dissipated."
Then on Page 271 She describes coming to God in tears, frustration and powerlessness:"Love me. God always answers. Love your neighbors. That's all. I'll work out the rough spots. And he does."
AND HE DOES.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Survival vs. Thrival
To be perfectly honest, motherhood terrified me from day one. I felt the surge of motherly love toward my baby, I had read many many parenting books ahead of time, so I thought I wouldn't be scared. I thought I had it all planned out in my mind. But when I brought my little girl home from the hospital, all I could do was sit on the couch with her in my arms and cry for the next 5 hours. I felt panic and fear. I had majored in Early Childhood Ed in College, and I had been around many many little kids in my life, but I had never known the pressure--the responsibility of motherhood. That was when I turned on the survival switch in my mind, and it took me 4 years to figure out it was hurting not helping me. At the time, to help myself calm down inside, I said over and over in my mind, "Just keep her alive. Just keep her alive." Instead, I should have told myself, "Enjoy this. Enjoy her. Laugh. Have fun!"
The Survival Switch
The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it. You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum. When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode. I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children. It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.
What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:
Expect them to act out. Scream. Fight. Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine. Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them. They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work. Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.
So, what do we do?
Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!! I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that. It must have been 3-4 pages long, and that was shortened! His answer to me was simple. "Let go of pleasing everyone around you. Sit down with her. Enjoy her." Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind. I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them. The only one worthy of that burden is God.
The Specific Answer:
Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial. But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer. Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to. If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that. Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT. Change your heart. AGAIN." This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them. If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member. Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity. The same goes with God.
Have a problem? Ask this question.
Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?
It's only a decision away.
The Survival Switch
The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it. You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum. When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode. I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children. It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.
What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:
Expect them to act out. Scream. Fight. Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine. Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them. They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work. Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.
So, what do we do?
Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!! I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that. It must have been 3-4 pages long, and that was shortened! His answer to me was simple. "Let go of pleasing everyone around you. Sit down with her. Enjoy her." Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind. I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them. The only one worthy of that burden is God.
The Specific Answer:
Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial. But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer. Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to. If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that. Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT. Change your heart. AGAIN." This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them. If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member. Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity. The same goes with God.
Have a problem? Ask this question.
Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?
It's only a decision away.
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