"I Need A Hug"

Dr. Jane Nelsen of positivedescipline.com writes in this article (click on the title for the link) about a soft approach to an out of control child. This particular approach may not work every time, or even more than once. But you and your child will never forget it.

A child is in the middle of a screaming tantrum. Father gets down and shouts, "I need a hug!" Child: "What?!?" Father: "I need a hug!" Child:"Now?!?" Father "Yes!" Child shrugs, "Okay" and hugs his father. The tension melts away, and father says, "Thanks, I needed that." Child says, "So did I." They can then deal with whatever started the tantrum after that, or not. Perhaps that is all that was needed.

The father above has taught his son several things in this moment. Here are just some that I thought of that his son learned:

1. His father loves him no matter what.

2. He, the son, can contribute to helping others, and that helping others also helps himself.

3. When people are upset, try pulling them closer instead of pushing them away. He now knows how that feels.

4. True love heals the hurt caused by anger.

The father above also learned several things in that moment:

1. He learned that he loves his son no matter what.

2. His son has a good heart, even when he's angry. He respects him for it.

3. Pull others close when they are angry, instead of pushing them away.

4. Holding his little boy close and feeling true love heals the hurt caused by anger.

Reading the above article I thought of the first time something like this happened with my daughter. I like remembering these things, because it's the only way I can make sure I don't ever forget!

My daughter was screaming, thrashing, shouting obscenities, and I was at a loss. The overwhelming feeling came over me; 'She is doing this because she doesn't feel loved.' I got down on the floor and shouted over her screams, "Do you think I don't love you?!" She quieted down and stared at me. I said more softly, "Are you really angry because you don't think I love you very much?" She started to cry real tears, pain and deep-felt hurt pouring out of her. I hugged her tightly, and through my own tears I cried to her, "I love you more than anything! You are my baby girl, and you always will be. You changed my life. You are my angel!" We sat on the floor and cried, and I felt her pain. I felt my own pain. I promised myself that things would be different from then on.

I don't know if my daughter remembers that day, but I know I will never forget. It was one of the first turning points for us--when I started realizing that love conquers all, not pain and shame. I pray I will never forget. I pray that I will remember how I felt before and after that moment. I pray that I will remember her face, and the pain that came pouring out of her, so much hurt, all caused by my negative discipline. Maybe I didn't beat my kids (except for spanking,) I didn't hit them with anything, no bruises (besides on their backsides,) but I controlled them (or tried to control them) using fear, intimidation, shame, and apathy. I didn't look ahead, I just tried to get through the moment, hoping that somehow, some way, things would get better. All my discipline was centered on immediate control, not long-term goals. It hurt. It hurt them- it hurt me- it hurt my spouse. It was wrong. It felt wrong. I just didn't know what else to do. Now I do know what else to do. I have given myself permission to use Christ's teachings in my home to teach discipline to my children, and myself. Self-discipline is contagious. The children learn it by watching. They also learn the opposite by watching. Am I ready to be the grown-up and make a choice? Am I ready to learn, for the sake of my family, how to be a true Christian?

The root of the word "discipline" is "disciple". I ought to BE Christ. I am the body of Christ, as are all his disciples, so how would Christ treat my children? If he were in my place, would he spank them? Would he shame them? Would he try to break their will? I can only know the answers as I learn more about Him. Simply remembering Him and how He feels, helps me see things differently. I want to be patient, I want to be kind, I want to show mercy and love. This is the reason for this blog--to make sure I keep remembering.

Humble Pie

Every time I think I have it all figured out, I get to have a big old humble pie smashed in my face. Then it's back to humility again.

The past week I started bickering with my husband again, and naturally I blamed him. If he would just do everything I told him to do, we'd all be happy! Well, what does Kirk say to do? What do I keep saying I have to do? Control myself, and only myself. But wasn't I already doing that? Wasn't I already doing my very best? It was time to walk a mile in his shoes.

1. I pretended that I didn't have it all figured out, but I was living with someone who was certain he did. I pretended he had read and listened to advice that wasn't mine. I pretended he was constantly trying to teach me. I bristled at the constant better-than-you attitude, I rolled my eyes when he cheerfully reminded me of all his newly acquired wisdom. Even if it were right, there would be times, when I was sick to death of humbly accepting his direction. I wanted to be treated as an equal with ideas and wisdom equally valuable. And then, I knew what I must do.

2. I apologized: I admitted my wrongs, I apologized for my weaknesses, and I let him know that I could see it from his point of view. He was absolutely right. I could use some more growth, and some more practice in humbly setting an example rather than bossing him around.

3. I thanked him: It never hurts to thank someone, even if you feel awkward or silly saying it. I remember getting embarrassed to say thank you. I would turn red and fight the desire to make a joke and hide my true feelings. I used to use this baby voice, or sarcasm to ease tension, because I just didn't have practice being 100% honest. Starting with thanking others, genuinely, and telling them the whole truth of how much they've blessed you is a wonderful, fulfilling way to start. Take it from me, it gets easier each time.

4. I recommitted myself. Humbling one's self gets easier each time as well, which is the beauty of celebrating "progress, not perfection." Letting go of the need to control also gets easier with practice. I had slipped, without realizing it, into a habit of trying to verbally "teach," which came across as "force," my husband to be calm and not controlling. He had been doing great, but the more I tried to "teach" him, the further he backed away from my advice. So once again, I got to have a great lesson in personal relationships. A very valuable lesson I would not have received had I been single and simply been able to walk away.

5. Recognize that his desires are just as important as my own. Do all bloggers have messy houses? There are some days, some weeks, when all I can seem to force my right-brain to do, besides providing basic needs to the kids, is sing, write, read powerful books, have deep conversations with my sisters on the phone, research subjects I feel strongly about, and open my mind to wonderous possibilities in this great, magical world. These things do not a tidy home create. My left-brain husband, who is easily overwhelmed, who thrives on order and structure in all things, and is able to find order within himself when it exists on the outside, needs me to find a way to feed my soul while keeping up with things. There is a way, I've done it before. If I'm working hard and doing my best, he pitches in. He just doesn't want to be doing it all. I get that.

The Reward:

My husband thanked me. He cleaned the house. He expressed more patience and willingness to help and support me, and he was extra patient with the kids. He didn't complain when I invited my sister and her three young kids to come stay with us, and the glow in his face along with the extra long hugs and extra soft kisses-warmed me down to my ankles and brought a little sunshine into our cozy home. He wasn't perfect, and when I found myself starting to nag again, he pointed out that I was doing it again. After my initial defenseiveness, once again it was humble pie time. I reset my control barometer back to myself. I have a feeling I never will perfect this. Still, each piece of pie goes down easier, and comes more quickly, and that is the best we can expect!

Some Perspective Each Day Keeps the Darkness Away

Courage

There is a part of me that is wild. It wants to lash out at all meanness and fight with fury all injustices. This part of me is a flame that consumes, and when I fuel it, it burns me more than anyone else.

This was made clear to me several years ago when I was praying earnestly, sobbing on my knees because I'd seen the light in my children's eyes, that sparkle they were born with, go out. It broke my heart. What was worse, my own sparkle seemed to be gone. I had no joy left in my life, and the joy in my children that I knew I should be experiencing, was completely out of my reach.

I prayed: "I have seen other women who have children who are happy, confident, and their children are well cared for; they have clean homes, and they may not be perfect, but they have a light in their eyes and a cheerfulness that I don't have. Why not me?? Why can't I have that too?? Why not my children? Why can't they be like other children who laugh and are happy? Why are my children pale and sickly looking, timid and sad? Please.." I pleaded and begged, "I will make any change, I will do anything, I will leave my husband if that's what it takes. I will give my children up for adoption if that's what it takes. I will do whatever you tell me to do to be happy and to secure the happiness of my children. What should I do???" I opened my heart completely to feel the answer. Slowly, and softly, a warm wash of love came rushing over me, starting with the top of my head and running down, like a glass of warm water that penetrated deep into my soul and body. This was not the first time I had felt God's love, but each time it is magnificent.

I fell into a sort of trance, half asleep, half awake, and in my mind, I saw myself and my interactions with my children and Kevin. I saw all of the hurt I'd caused them, and felt the exact pain they felt each time I lost my temper, spoke sharply, criticized without love, or pulled away emotionally from them. I realized how immature I'd been, and how I, not my husband, had caused the light in their eyes to go out, and I, and no one else, was responsible for my own loss of happiness. I was flooded with guilt and self loathing. I thought my heart would come flying out of my face, I cried so hard. As I begged for forgiveness and asked for help to be a better person, all the pain and guilt was replaced, in one full-bodied spiritual hug, with overwhelming love and resolve. My tears changed instantly from pain to joy. Only the keenest, most infinite anguish can result in true, life-altering change. This is what I experienced, and it was magnificent.

I spent the next few years undergoing gradual change, and finally, as a massive surge toward the direction I was seeking to go, I found Celebrate Calm, which has given me extra guidence, more resolve, and opened my eyes even more to truth that was right in front of me the entire time! My own religion was teaching me all along what I should do, but I wasn't listening! I wasn't turning my thoughts inward and applying what I heard to my own actions in the home. I had to learn to trust God enough to do what he said, ALWAYS.

Once I began to do it, the peace in my heart became palpable. With Christ's help I finally found the way to change the nature of the flame that was consuming me, and turn it into a beam of light-of hope and love.

How does a person change? I begged forgiveness, asked for help, was accountable to my family for my actions. Believing that Christ is real, and that HE has the power to change my heart and make even me, a sinner and a destroyer of the spark of hope and joy, a better person, I strive toward strength, maturity, humility, and calm. Basically, I am now ready to grow up!

As C.S. Lewis once said, "Of all the miracles Christ performed...and still performs today, none has been so miraculous to me as the one he performed in my own heart."

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"Some people mistakenly think that responses such as silence, meekness, forgiveness, and bearing humble testimony are passive or weak. But to "love [our] enemies, bless them that curse [us], do good to them that hate [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us], and persecute [us]" (Matthew 5:44) takes faith, strength, and, most of all,...courage."

"When we do not retaliate-when we turn the other cheek and resist feelings of anger-we too stand with the Savior. We show forth His love, which is the only power that can subdue the adversary and answer our accusers without accusing them in return. That is not weakness. That is...courage."

"To be meek, as defined in the Webster's dictionary is "manifesting patience and longsuffering: enduring injury without resentment." Meekness is not weakness. It is a badge of...courage."

"This is not to suggest that we compromise our principles or dilute our beliefs...We should never confuse boldness with Satan's counterfeit: overbearance...As true disciples, our primary concern must be others' welfare, not personal vindication."

To be truly happy, we must be without guile. "To be guileless is to have a childlike innocence, to be slow to take offense and quick to forgive. These qualities are first learned in the home and family and can be practiced in all our relationships. To be guileless is to look for our own fault first. When accused, we should ask as the Savior's Apostles did, "Lord, is it I?" (Matthew 26:22)

"To help [those who hurt or challenge us,] to be an example for them, is not for the weak. It is for the strong. It is for you and me."

-Robert D. Hales

More profound words from Kirk Martin

These words have made such a difference:

"This isn't the life you expected. You have turned into someone you never thought you'd become. You used to be this carefree person who had such great hopes for the future. Now you find yourself staying awake worrying about your kids; you are constantly getting on your children; it seems the only time they listen is when you are yelling or screaming. Instead of enjoying your kids, you are frustrated, stressed and angry. Sometimes you don't like them very much. And the truth is that you don't like the person you've become. "

OUCH, but true. That is my confession right there, the confession that many moms rarely admit to themselves or to one another. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY!!

"The purpose of relationships is transformation: Relationships cause friction...That friction can either result in us being worn down, resentful and irritated; or the friction can strip the crusty, gritty exterior off of us and leave us shinier and better than we were before. So if you have a difficult child or spouse, be thankful. I promise that loving and liking that child or spouse is going to result in you becoming a stronger, more patient, more gracious person than you were before."

That hit me hard, and has struck me over and over again many times as I've thought back on it. This new perspective got me to stop resenting my own spouse and children. This perspective got me to let go of wishing they were different; saying within myself, "If only I had a more patient husband," or "If only I had more obedient children..." This kind of thinking was destructive, and it was inhibiting my own progress and growth.

"Begin by changing you. Let's not even think about our kids or our spouse right now. Because the most powerful person in the world is you. You can either be worn down and shaped by others, by society, by the school system-or you can choose today to begin shaping everyone else NOT by controlling people or circumstances, but by controlling yourself (your anxiety, your emotions, your moods, your choices.) "

That concept has been the hardest one for me, as Kirk would tell you, since he's had to remind me more than once. I am not choosing to be calm to change and control my family, I do it for my own peace. I have to remind myself over and over because looking at everyone else as the problem is a very difficult habit to change. I now have a written note for myself that I keep as a reminder that says 'Control yourself, and ONLY yourself.'

"No matter what anyone does to me, I can still choose to bless them. No matter what my son says or does, I still have the power to decide how I am going to respond (or not respond.) No matter what society says, no matter what the evening news says, I have a choice...Instead of waiting for everyone else around me to change, I am going to be a better person."

This subject is spoken about frequently in many different genres. Man's Search for Meaning, and, The Hiding Place are two books that talk about this principle in the extreme, based on nazi prison camps. I read them years ago, and was touched by the examples I read about, but I had no idea that I could be like that!




"Celebrate your kids' strengths and watch them flourish."



It takes practice to say outloud the talents and strengths of our kids that we see. It takes constant effort for me to continuously compliment and point out the positive, but it gets easier with time. I find that sometimes compliments just roll off my toungue without even thinking about it now, and as we keep looking at our kids' positive attributes, we see more and more, and we see them deeper and richer, and eventually, they see it too, and it's a beautiful cascade that leads to blessings you can not imagine!

"After you read this, take a deep breath. Resolve that YOU are going to be a different person, that YOU are going to change yourself, that YOU are going to see the best in your children and students. And watch your family and classroom begin to thrive."

Catch the YOU. YOU cannot, as I have learned, resolve that your spouse is going to be different; that your relatives are going to change themselves; and that your children are going to see the best in you. YOU can only (and it is enough) to change and control ONLY YOU.

This does not mean you can't invite your family. Once I had some time to practice, we had a Family Home Evening and discussed the family we have been vs. family we want to be. We set goals as a family, and the children and Kevin have all agreed that this is a good goal to work on as a family. It is really liberating and healing for the kids to get to talk about their feelings. It was hard at first, to hear the painful truth from their tiny lips, but it was wonderful to see the healing start to take place as we apologized for the past, and promised with our whole hearts to strive to be better, and we have. We now have a more open, loving relationship with the kids, and they feel like they can come to us more. I say we, but Kevin is in complete control of his path, and I am in complete control of mine. We are growing at different rates and speeds, and sometimes each of us slip back, but we never stop trying, and now looking back, we seem to be a completely different family!

One last note from Ginny: My family has been brought closer by this, and it has brought me closer to my own faith. I am able to pray without inner conflict, look at myself in the mirror and genuinely smile, because I can see the woman God created me to be begin to emerge. I am simply following Christ's teachings of being slow to anger, patient and kind, and loving others as well as myself. Christ's teachings, when acted upon with consistency, heal all wounds, change hearts, and allow people to blossom no matter what age they begin to live them.

“If a woman wishes to control her children, in the first place let her learn to control herself.” –Brigham Young

CALM

Click on this CALM to see a great video of Kirk Martin talking about being calm. I love to watch and listen to these clips over and over, because they are calming to me. I have not been able to watch a Calm video, and then go yell at the kids or spouse. As a parent and a human being, I want to be like Kirk, with a calm that invites everyone in. Nothing and no one could take that away from me. Doesn't everyone want that?? Kirk found it in himself, and so can anyone else. I heard a leader in church say, "you can say, 'I will never be angry again,' and actually keep your promise to yourself." I tried it on my own, and failed, miserably. Celebrate Calm was the answer to prayer I needed.

Catching up!!

Peter is now 3 years old! He is very active, climbing, jumping, running, etc. But he's also very controlled for the most part. I would not call him wild, just energetic. Yesterday I was scolding him for standing with the fridge open, and he just broke down and cried, and asked for a passy. We got rid of the passy months ago, but he still asks for it when he's really upset. So I'm thinking:

A. He needs a nap,

B. He's been watching his overly dramatic sister, or

C. He's feeling really insecure because I've been scolding him a lot today, and haven't been very nice to him.

I decided it was C, with a little bit of A. I let him cry for a few minutes, then put the baby down and held Peter for a while. I sang his Peter Rabbit song, hugged him , and told him how much I loved my big boy, etc. We sang several songs, and I made sure to make eye contact, which I reallized had been a really long time, at least days, since I'd really looked into his eyes. He immediately responded, and gave me a big kiss on the mouth and said, "I love you, Mira." (Mira is his nicname for me.) I realized then that I had missed my son maybe even more than he'd missed me, because when he got up and walked away, my whole being silently cried out, "COME BACK!" So I offered to sit and read some books with him until he was like, "Mom, that's enough...really... I'm good now. Leave me alone." Sniff.

Peter loves to pray. He prays over everything. Every time I give him a glass of water, he prays over it. It's like this compulsion that he can't eat or drink until he prays. Kevin said one night he gave Peter 5 refills of his cereal, (Peter eats a ton, and still is tiny,) and each time the food was set in front of him, he said a prayer. He loves to start by saying, "OH NO! We forgot to say a prayer!"

The other day he found a stash of candy up high in a cabinet. I would not have known, until I heard his little voice behind the couch saying "Heavy Father, thank you for this day..."

Peter is also very good with language. Ironicly, he was my only child to take a pacifier, and the fastest to speak. So what they say, that pacifiers delay speach, was NOT true with my son. When I read books with Peter, he often is telling me what to say before I say it (he memorizes them.) He teaches me sign language from his Signing Time videos. He will remember things he's learned with no reminders for months! I want to start teaching him reading, and I wish I could teach him other spoken languages, but I am not fluent in any other language. Kaylee is now 4. She is very active, and wild much of the time, though she is calming down a lot as I gradually try to use celebrate calm principles with her. http://www.celebratecalm.com/, it helps with my other kids too. Some days are better than others.

She has a very good memory sometimes, and it surprises me! She remembers her toddler years, and will look at an object and tell me how she got it, or what happened when she got it, when I don't even remember.

She is also very observant. She asks questions constantly, and is a mommy in training. She does a perfect impression of me, and often gets in trouble for immitating me, such as spanking her brother. I have a hard time with it, because she is usually careful to say she's sorry to have to do this, and how she doesn't like to spank him, but he just can't be naughty. He cries, and I come in and say "Hey! That's not your job Kaylee! It's my job!" Then I hear her telling Peter later, "Peter, it is not your job to spank! It's my job." Right now she is putting a load of laundry in to wash. Really.

Kaylee is also a princess, and loves pretty things, except she loves to wear her brother's "zippers." She gets in to my make-up frequently, and loves purses, and pretending she's a mommy. She comes up with names like "Hassaline, and Cashi, and Ci Ci," for her mommy names, and we play make-believe together. It is fun sometimes. I feel like a little kid again.

Last night she was running around the house, round and round constantly for 5 minutes or so, and I was about to tell her to stop running, before she got hurt, and come to dinner; when she informed me that she was "Anjelisha" and riding on a train! She had to ask the conductor to stop the train in a very mature, grown-up voice, so she could come to the table for dinner. As she went"Pssssh, chugga chugga...." and slowed down, I was thankful I hadn't scolded her, and just let her have her childhood moment. What an imagination!

I have one more child than I did last time I posted, Kendon Kevin. He's a very bright little baby. This picture was taken when he was 3 months old. He is now 9 months old, and is such a mama's boy!

He can't leave anything alone. I've learned I can't just give him a toy to play with, because it's too easy. He's bored before he begins. So I give him a bucket with a toy or toys in it. Then he's very interested and is occupied until one of his siblings notices he's having fun and takes the toy away. ;)

He is trying to stand already. I've done nothing to encourage this. It's all him. He's been pulling to stand, and side-stepping along the couch and bed. He has begun trying to stand with nothing to hold on to recently. Mostly to get at me. He is learning to speak as well. He often copies our sounds. He loves "OWWW." We hear that a lot in our house. He says "mama" which is the only word he says that he knows the meaning of at this point. He's been my only baby to say "mama" before "daddy."

He saw me writing one day, and was very interested, and eventually attacked the pen and paper. Then later I caught him trying to write with a pen, the point side down and everything, and then the next day he was doing it again. He's the same way about the computer. We leave him alone for a minute and he's pecking at the keys, squeeling with delight. When the battery cover fell off the remote control, he picked up the cover, and excitedly crawled over to the remote, turned it over to see the batteries, and attempted to put it back together. He's just really observant, and a quick learner.

He's been a very relaxed and easygoing baby for the most part, unless I'm changing his diaper or getting him dressed. He hates being on his back. The last few weeks he's starting to want mommy all the time. It's a sign that he needs more food. I'm nursing, so I know that my milk will adjust to accomidate him within the next two to three weeks, or I could just start feeding him baby food.

He's very curious about food. He cries and bangs on his high chair if we're eating anything, so I often give him tastes. I had to feed him a bunch of my tomato soup the other day, and I was a tad worried about if that was okay for his age. He didn't have any trouble, so I guess it was okay. He also knows the smell and look of craisins, which my kids eat every day, and he demands to be given them, even though I'm a little nervous. But he does fine. He has 6 teeth, and insists on being able to use them! He wants to chomp on breads and crackers, and cookies, and he seems to remember things he likes! He also enjoys gnawing on raw broccoli or carrots.

So that's our update for the kids! Kevin and I are doing really great right now. We're like most couples, and go through ups and downs. The trick of course is having more ups than downs. Lately, we've just had an easy time of communicating, and working through disagreements. I love him so much it hurts!

Last night he stopped at the grocery store without me asking him to, and got some eggs and bread, and a few other things he'd noticed we needed. He did all this, without even calling me!! Some of you may not think that's all that wonderful, but to me, it was a sign of true love! He's come a long way!! He cared about whether we had enough food, and he paid attention! Also, he got the brands I like! I'm pretty picky about my brands...and he nailed it! He also got wheat bread for me, even though he prefers white bread! It was just one of those things that seemed little, but showed a lot of love. I don't think I thanked him enough! I will have to write him a little note.

Kevin spends all day every day building a home for us. He hasn't had a job since just before I got pregnant with Ken. So he's been building a house, hoping to sell it. The economic downturn has really thrown our plans, and is making things very precarious and scary for us. Maybe we're close right now because we're both scared about our future! Well, every cloud has it's silver lining, right?

I love how much my husband loves, and loves to play with his kids!