Do you control yourself, or does your 'self' control you?'

"This is just the way I am."
"It's the way I was raised, so..."
"This is my personality."
"I've been this way ever since I can remember. There's nothing I can do about it."
"I can't help it. I was born this way."


Have you ever uttered these phrases? I know I have. All of the above statements are excuses for complacency in unhappiness, and for us mothers, that unhappiness spreads to our children. Not sometimes, all the time. If we are simply a victim of our personalities, then we don't have to try to change, because change would be impossible.


Why don't we want to change? Why is it easier to do the same things we've always done? Is it laziness? No. There is no such thing as laziness. I am a firm believer of that, and so is Kirk Martin, my most quoted philosopher. "Lazy" is a put-down, as hurtful as "stupid" and we should never use the word to describe ourselves or anyone else. But what is the cause for lack of progress, growth, and hard work, if it's not laziness?


There can be many causes for this hiding from progression. It can be lack of vision, direction, motivation, but today I want to address the one that is often the most elusive. Safety. There is always fear, no matter how old you are, of the unknown. If none of my family or friends do things my way, I'm alone in my thinking, and it is scary. I firmly believe humans are herd animals, and it takes overcoming the herd instincts to discover our higher nature. There is a false perception of safety in a herd. We think that if we do what everyone else is doing we will be fine.


But all too often, herds are in danger and don't know it. They follow eachother off of cliffs and into high water, and wander into dangerous places where they are attacked by preditors. If we truly want to be safe, we have to rear up on our hind legs, and look out ahead to where the herd is going, and search those few sheep who've been to the edges of the clearings, and ask what they have seen. Safety is not garunteed, even then, but we will not make the same mistakes as we would have if we weren't paying attention. Think of how scary it would be for a sheep who's only looked at the ground and followed the sheep next to him, to stop and raise his head above the crowd, to see where they are going.


Can you remember being a child, lying in bed, certain there was a monster under the bed. Simply looking under the bed would have calmed your fears, but it seemed safer to simply stay put, and not move.


That is the instinct we have to overcome if we want to grow. How do we overcome those fears?


Thought patterns that portray ourselves as victims are evidence of lack of Hope. If we want joy, we must have hope. Naturally, my next question is: How do we find hope?


That is when my answer is give up.
 HUH?


Want to grow. Then give up trying to force growth on yourself. Seriously. Surrender. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change yourself. Certainly that has been my experience. Sure, I could change myself for a few months, even years, but eventually, I just couldn't keep up the effort any more, and slipped back to who I used to be. The phrase "Lift yourself up by your own bootstraps" was first coined to show how impossible that is! So where does that leave us?


The only way to change is through a higher power who possesses the strength and growth we need as well as the ability to endow that upon us, and then instead of trying to change ourselves, we are acting in faith in that higher power. We do not need to believe in ourselves, only believe that something bigger than ourselves, who cares deeply, and knows all will do that which we cannot do.

So if my goal is to stop smoking, or to stop yelling, and I have tried for years and years to kick the habit, but always find myself retreating back to a percieved, false safety, the answer is to first surrender--not to the habit, but to a loving God, and admit my powerlessness.
Then, I will receive a gift that will enlarge my soul, and change my very desires down to the core. Falling off the wagon, turning back to old habits, and other retreating actions, often stem from a desire for safety. Whether it be to follow friends and family like a herd animal, or to retreat toward a habit--to do what we have always done when we felt threatened--in other words, safety in sameness, it all stems from the same basic fear.

Fear of what? I have already stated that fear of the unknown is a factor, but searching deeper still, I ask, unknown what? Often the real triggers seem hazy. Perhaps nothing happened, or our reaction to something that happened was unbalanced. So the answer is then to dig deeper. I believe the deepest core of the issue is found in the truth in this quote attributed to Nelson Mandella:

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -

My goal this week is to rely in the arm of God when I feel threatened or scared, instead of my own base coping mechanisms. My goal is to believe in Christ when I cannot, and have proven that I cannot, believe in myself. My goal is to surrender every day to a loving God through prayer. My goal is to release my crutches, and walk in faith, not in my imperfect self, but in a Jesus Christ, my savior. I love that this works every time. HE can do what I cannot do--again and again and again, He's proven this to me, and I am learning slowly, to let all the Glory be his forever and ever, Amen.

Movie Review

The kids and I went to see The Tale of Despereaux in the theater. Now it is out on video. This movie goes where no kids movie has gone before, and teaches lessons that I've never seen taught in a big-screen movie like that. A lesson that I've been trying to impress on my kids, that I was so excited to be validated, was that you don't have to have super-powers, or be faster, stronger, or bigger than others in order to be heroic. Being true to yourself, your beliefs and values, even when ridiculed and looked down upon, makes you a hero, and changes the world. Honor, loyalty, valour, all those things can be ours, with only a decision, and most of all, courage. My son has been going around the house saying, "I am, a gentleman!" With a true idea of what the soul of that means, and it's so much more than simply having good manners.

A powerful lesson that summed up the movie, and was stressed by the storyline itself was something I have never seen in a kids' movie. The power of forgiveness. "One single act of forgiveness can change everything." It was a lesson that resonated with me, and brought tears to my eyes. It had me thinking, 'have a forgiven anyone today? Is there anyone in my life that I could forgive, and thus change my life and theirs?' It had me almost wishing for that opportunity. Go ahead world, I dare you!

This movie does show hurt, pain, and even evil, and good people doing terrible things. But it also shows how to overcome all of those things, for those on both ends of the hurt. I think that is a priceless lesson our kids these days need, and we parents need too. I hope my kids take all of the lessons in this movie, and make them a part of who they are.

...Then it was a good day

Today started out rough. All week has been rough. Kevin and I have been discussing, and sometimes arguing about politics; both of us are uneasy out about the economy, our personal future, and our house that wasn't everything we'd hoped would be. We will be selling our house, because Kevin can't stand that it's slightly crooked. There is an ever so slight slant, (only a few milimeters) to the right side of the house and the soil is packed full of iron, that stains the toilets in spite of our spending a fortune on a high-powered water filtration system. There is also a 12 ft wall that would be very easy for my kids to fall down, so I have to stay tense, always checking, and if I hear crying, the first thing I do is dash to check the wall. Kevin wants to sell and start over. The older I get, the more I desire a place to rest my head that is mine. A place I can hang my pictures and create fun spaces for the kids. I feel like a little mole, wanting to have a burrow of my own to experiment and work with, to build on and expand as the years go by. Now we are going to have to start over--again. We really love Floyd, and we hope to stay in the area, but we may have to move somewhere else, with only the promise in our hearts that we will return some day.

I needed to get ahold of myself, and I didn't for a full week. I was immature, snapped, ignored the kids a lot, and they immediately started getting angry again. It is amazing how quickly we can digress. However, because we do have tools to help us, we put them to use as soon as we matured ourselves enough.

Finding our happy faces

Audrey Christley, a good friend of mine told me that when her little girl was cranky and just all around negative, she'd say--"Where's your smile? Can you find it? Is it...in your pocket? In your shoe? In the grass? etc."

We started doing this, though saying 'happy face,' and I found that often, when they "found their happy face," I did too! The kids latch on to this and use it as a tool--it really works, and they absolutely love it! When it's a really, really rotton mood, we will go running around looking for the happy face, which provides psychological and physical movement. We look in silly places like 'in the light bulb' or 'in the peanut butter,' and eventually, when they are ready, they'll tell me, 'I found it mommy! It's right here in my shirt" or "in the laundry" or wherever they decide it was. We cheer and hug and welcome back the happy face, and we all agree that laughter is the best cure for a cranky mood! My oldest child is 5, so I am not sure how long this will last, but I am happy to continue it as long as it works. So thank you Audrey!! We have needed to find our happy faces several times this week.

Let's Make a List!

I have creative children. They love some good, artsy, brain-stimulation. There are days, however, when my patience and strength of character is tried to the very core. The image of discovering my children with an unbelievably huge mess is so vivid in my mind, I think that is the keenest memory I will be taking with me as they grow older. Let's make a list, while we're thinking of it, to show our kids some day when they are changing our diapers and wiping our spittle:

-Diarrhea in the bathtub; both kids, 'nuff said. (shudder)

-Black Permanent Marker all over selves, walls, doors, shelves, furniture, floors, and cabinetry, (on three separate occasions that I can remember. Once was just Kaylee, black head to toe, and a long horizon line going down the stairs, and a bedroom with artwork on the walls. She must have been playing Harold and the Purple Crayon.)

-Vaseline all over self, pillows, carpet, and blankets. (Peter--on at least two separate occasions. Kendon--once.)

-Purple lip gloss all over all three children.

-New lipstick, mascara, eye-liner, all over two older kids, bathroom cabinets, sink, mirror, and floor. (I still remember seeing the mascara lines all over their legs.)

-Breakfast cereal all over living room carpet, couches, and hair.

-Pink and purple nail polish painted all over arms, legs, and fingers and toes, as well as a large spherical shape hand-painted on the wall, and nail-polish foot prints on the floor.

-Nutella chocolate spread, and on another occasion, chocolate frosting, all over wall, with arms and legs, as well as face and hair painted brown.

-Ice cream, painted all over table, and themselves (K and P), eating it with a spatula and a whisk. (Freezer door standing wide open.)

-Peter and the yellow paint at grandma's house: All over self and carpet. (Thank goodness it was washable, though it didn't all come out; and thankfully she has a sense of humor!)

-Closet walls, clothes, door, sprayed with Aussie hairspray; the entire floor of the closet was flooded with a 1/2 inch hairspray puddle .

-Flooded bathroom, can't even count the times. (In the old house, they would dump cups of water out of the bath onto the bathroom floor, causing it to rain in the basement, right on top of daddy's computer, desk, and important papers.)

-Kendon eating fist fulls of white, permanent paint and painting the floor.

-Crayon/Pencil/Pen all over freshly painted walls, more times than can be counted.

-Peter and cousin Keith, covered head to toe in mud, 5 minutes before I need to leave to conduct a class. (Then we discover them outside during class, Peter naked from the waist down, covered once again, in mud, and little Keith who'd failed to get his underwear off, was also covered in muddy pee.)

-Blue dishwasher soap gel packets, burst on the floor, feet, and cabinets, etc. (They were stomping on them. Apparently, it's lots of fun.)

-Toy Mountain, 5 minutes after 2 hours of organizing.

Wow! That felt good! I'd love for you other parents to post your own list as a comment. This list is far from complete, but it is accurate. I think we all need a list to confront our kids with when they grow up and look back. When they are looking at the messes their kids made, they need to know that they too made messes, and they can put themselves back in their own shoes. My own mother has several times reminded me of the messes I made, such as the lipstick art all over the back of the couch, carpet and wall, as well as myself. She laughed when I told her of my kids' permanent marker art, because she remembers the time we were selling the house, and the last night there, she discovered me and a friend on the top bunk of the bunk bed, drawing on the textured ceiling with bright blue permanent marker. I still remember that. We were making a beautiful night sky. It was going to be gorgeous, if they'd just let us finish! I was 4. Then she reminds me of the time I painted the bathroom in poo when I was 3. So perhaps the apples do not fall far from the tree.

I have a very vivid memory of potty-training when I was 2, and going #2 in my training pants when we had company there. I was embarrassed, but Mom very calmly and and patiently took my hand and we walked to the bathroom. She washed out my training pants in the potty, smiling at me patiently while doing it. Because of her calm reaction, that feeling of embarrassment was replaced with adoration of her. I left the bathroom with a feeling of confident self-esteem. I knew that I would learn to use the toilet, because my Mom wasn't worried about it, even when I had an accident.

I have reminded her of that, and thanked her for that example, and even though I didn't have the emotional maturity to do that with my first child (so sorry Kaylee,) I developed it with help, (from the man upstairs and his angels on earth,) and now I can honestly say I'm there.

Humble Pie

Every time I think I have it all figured out, I get to have a big old humble pie smashed in my face. Then it's back to humility again.

The past week I started bickering with my husband again, and naturally I blamed him. If he would just do everything I told him to do, we'd all be happy! Well, what does Kirk say to do? What do I keep saying I have to do? Control myself, and only myself. But wasn't I already doing that? Wasn't I already doing my very best? It was time to walk a mile in his shoes.

1. I pretended that I didn't have it all figured out, but I was living with someone who was certain he did. I pretended he had read and listened to advice that wasn't mine. I pretended he was constantly trying to teach me. I bristled at the constant better-than-you attitude, I rolled my eyes when he cheerfully reminded me of all his newly acquired wisdom. Even if it were right, there would be times, when I was sick to death of humbly accepting his direction. I wanted to be treated as an equal with ideas and wisdom equally valuable. And then, I knew what I must do.

2. I apologized: I admitted my wrongs, I apologized for my weaknesses, and I let him know that I could see it from his point of view. He was absolutely right. I could use some more growth, and some more practice in humbly setting an example rather than bossing him around.

3. I thanked him: It never hurts to thank someone, even if you feel awkward or silly saying it. I remember getting embarrassed to say thank you. I would turn red and fight the desire to make a joke and hide my true feelings. I used to use this baby voice, or sarcasm to ease tension, because I just didn't have practice being 100% honest. Starting with thanking others, genuinely, and telling them the whole truth of how much they've blessed you is a wonderful, fulfilling way to start. Take it from me, it gets easier each time.

4. I recommitted myself. Humbling one's self gets easier each time as well, which is the beauty of celebrating "progress, not perfection." Letting go of the need to control also gets easier with practice. I had slipped, without realizing it, into a habit of trying to verbally "teach," which came across as "force," my husband to be calm and not controlling. He had been doing great, but the more I tried to "teach" him, the further he backed away from my advice. So once again, I got to have a great lesson in personal relationships. A very valuable lesson I would not have received had I been single and simply been able to walk away.

5. Recognize that his desires are just as important as my own. Do all bloggers have messy houses? There are some days, some weeks, when all I can seem to force my right-brain to do, besides providing basic needs to the kids, is sing, write, read powerful books, have deep conversations with my sisters on the phone, research subjects I feel strongly about, and open my mind to wonderous possibilities in this great, magical world. These things do not a tidy home create. My left-brain husband, who is easily overwhelmed, who thrives on order and structure in all things, and is able to find order within himself when it exists on the outside, needs me to find a way to feed my soul while keeping up with things. There is a way, I've done it before. If I'm working hard and doing my best, he pitches in. He just doesn't want to be doing it all. I get that.

The Reward:

My husband thanked me. He cleaned the house. He expressed more patience and willingness to help and support me, and he was extra patient with the kids. He didn't complain when I invited my sister and her three young kids to come stay with us, and the glow in his face along with the extra long hugs and extra soft kisses-warmed me down to my ankles and brought a little sunshine into our cozy home. He wasn't perfect, and when I found myself starting to nag again, he pointed out that I was doing it again. After my initial defenseiveness, once again it was humble pie time. I reset my control barometer back to myself. I have a feeling I never will perfect this. Still, each piece of pie goes down easier, and comes more quickly, and that is the best we can expect!

Some Perspective Each Day Keeps the Darkness Away

Courage

There is a part of me that is wild. It wants to lash out at all meanness and fight with fury all injustices. This part of me is a flame that consumes, and when I fuel it, it burns me more than anyone else.

This was made clear to me several years ago when I was praying earnestly, sobbing on my knees because I'd seen the light in my children's eyes, that sparkle they were born with, go out. It broke my heart. What was worse, my own sparkle seemed to be gone. I had no joy left in my life, and the joy in my children that I knew I should be experiencing, was completely out of my reach.

I prayed: "I have seen other women who have children who are happy, confident, and their children are well cared for; they have clean homes, and they may not be perfect, but they have a light in their eyes and a cheerfulness that I don't have. Why not me?? Why can't I have that too?? Why not my children? Why can't they be like other children who laugh and are happy? Why are my children pale and sickly looking, timid and sad? Please.." I pleaded and begged, "I will make any change, I will do anything, I will leave my husband if that's what it takes. I will give my children up for adoption if that's what it takes. I will do whatever you tell me to do to be happy and to secure the happiness of my children. What should I do???" I opened my heart completely to feel the answer. Slowly, and softly, a warm wash of love came rushing over me, starting with the top of my head and running down, like a glass of warm water that penetrated deep into my soul and body. This was not the first time I had felt God's love, but each time it is magnificent.

I fell into a sort of trance, half asleep, half awake, and in my mind, I saw myself and my interactions with my children and Kevin. I saw all of the hurt I'd caused them, and felt the exact pain they felt each time I lost my temper, spoke sharply, criticized without love, or pulled away emotionally from them. I realized how immature I'd been, and how I, not my husband, had caused the light in their eyes to go out, and I, and no one else, was responsible for my own loss of happiness. I was flooded with guilt and self loathing. I thought my heart would come flying out of my face, I cried so hard. As I begged for forgiveness and asked for help to be a better person, all the pain and guilt was replaced, in one full-bodied spiritual hug, with overwhelming love and resolve. My tears changed instantly from pain to joy. Only the keenest, most infinite anguish can result in true, life-altering change. This is what I experienced, and it was magnificent.

I spent the next few years undergoing gradual change, and finally, as a massive surge toward the direction I was seeking to go, I found Celebrate Calm, which has given me extra guidence, more resolve, and opened my eyes even more to truth that was right in front of me the entire time! My own religion was teaching me all along what I should do, but I wasn't listening! I wasn't turning my thoughts inward and applying what I heard to my own actions in the home. I had to learn to trust God enough to do what he said, ALWAYS.

Once I began to do it, the peace in my heart became palpable. With Christ's help I finally found the way to change the nature of the flame that was consuming me, and turn it into a beam of light-of hope and love.

How does a person change? I begged forgiveness, asked for help, was accountable to my family for my actions. Believing that Christ is real, and that HE has the power to change my heart and make even me, a sinner and a destroyer of the spark of hope and joy, a better person, I strive toward strength, maturity, humility, and calm. Basically, I am now ready to grow up!

As C.S. Lewis once said, "Of all the miracles Christ performed...and still performs today, none has been so miraculous to me as the one he performed in my own heart."

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"Some people mistakenly think that responses such as silence, meekness, forgiveness, and bearing humble testimony are passive or weak. But to "love [our] enemies, bless them that curse [us], do good to them that hate [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us], and persecute [us]" (Matthew 5:44) takes faith, strength, and, most of all,...courage."

"When we do not retaliate-when we turn the other cheek and resist feelings of anger-we too stand with the Savior. We show forth His love, which is the only power that can subdue the adversary and answer our accusers without accusing them in return. That is not weakness. That is...courage."

"To be meek, as defined in the Webster's dictionary is "manifesting patience and longsuffering: enduring injury without resentment." Meekness is not weakness. It is a badge of...courage."

"This is not to suggest that we compromise our principles or dilute our beliefs...We should never confuse boldness with Satan's counterfeit: overbearance...As true disciples, our primary concern must be others' welfare, not personal vindication."

To be truly happy, we must be without guile. "To be guileless is to have a childlike innocence, to be slow to take offense and quick to forgive. These qualities are first learned in the home and family and can be practiced in all our relationships. To be guileless is to look for our own fault first. When accused, we should ask as the Savior's Apostles did, "Lord, is it I?" (Matthew 26:22)

"To help [those who hurt or challenge us,] to be an example for them, is not for the weak. It is for the strong. It is for you and me."

-Robert D. Hales