A year ago today

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in a hospital bed, thinking I was in labor. It turned out to be only a practice run, but that 15 hour false alarm set the stage for the most incredible birth experience I never imagined. After my difficult and uncomfortable experience in the hospital, I remember my husband and I sighing with relief when we finally drove away. I could feel all my muscles relaxing, and a wave of comfort took over my entire being as soon as I saw my home. Looking back, the hospital was a cold, stark environment compared to my house, and I'm glad my baby wasn't born there. My next child will be born at home too, if all goes well. I'll have a midwife, and plan it this time, and my baby will have the opportunity to be born in the loving, spiritual atmosphere that my first baby was. I was never the kind of person who agreed with home births, but after my accidental one, I was sold! In the hospital, I was tense and nervous. At home, I was at peace. That's definitely the experience I'd choose!!

Have you ever had a loved one suddenly gone?

I was thinking one day about what it's like when someone you love, unexpectedly dies. This is the product of that.

Standing lone amid a crowd,
Questions o’er my thinking shroud.
Where did you go that mournful day?
Why did you leave that lonely way?
Without a word, no last goodbye,
Did you run away, Or rise to fly?
Where did you go, I need to know, and Why?

Did turning back, you weep to find
Grief seizing worlds which you’d been part,
Or did it cross your forward mind
You held another’s beating heart?

Questions I cannot hope to answer.
Wond’ring is a growing cancer.

Looking past as strangers plod,
Asking you, and asking God.
Show me clearly where to find
The mountains you once bravely climbed.

Wanting for your fond embrace,
I fumble, cannot find my place.
If I but step I’ll fall, I fear.
I need your strength, your words to hear.

Embarrassed, looking at my feet,
A smile escapes, you warmly greet.
As I can feel you draw me near.
I cannot stem this budding tear.

Naught is why when through my heart
You’re warm sun’s loving ray.
Naught is went when where you are
Is not so far away.

Becoming a Mother

When I gave birth to my daughter, I felt as though legions of angels were cheering with me. Now, as I look at her, I can see why. Something I never really considered is that each new life that enters the world affects it in some way. And every new baby has the potential to affect it in some great way. I look at Kaylee, and I don't see just a little 1-yr-old toddling around, I see generations that will stem from her great grandmother, and great great grandmother. Her legacy will affect hundreds, and thousands of people! Every time she meets a friend, she will change her/him in some way. Every time she falls in love, or stands up for herself, or shows compassion, she will alter the world a little more. Every time she teaches someone, or hurts someone, she's changing the world, for better, or worse. When the fate of the world is depending on ME to raise my daughter right, it's hard not to be afraid from time to time! At least I'm not Mary, and that's not literally true. I imagine she was more than just a little aprehensive from time to time. I think we women feel a strong connection to Mary when we become mothers, because we feel just a smidge of what she must have felt, and those of us who give birth naturally feel just a smidge of what Jesus felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. How could we not feel closer to them!