Monday, December 04, 2006
While I'm trying to figure out how to better do this housework, and somehow still have time for the kids, I am also a scout leader and primary teacher. In scouts, I am a first generation teacher, meaning I'm starting everything from scratch. There are no materials, advice, or really anything being passed on. I know nothing. I'm having to put a lot of thought and time into what I'm going to do with these boys. Primary is a little easier, but it still takes time and preparation.
I have been totally skipping my visiting teaching, because I just can't think any more. I have too much on my plate with Christmas coming up, and all the weddings, birthdays, births, and so many other things we women are supposed to keep up with. Being a grown-up is work. Being a mother is work. It's just work work work.
The Laundry on the Chair
Alone and mad I swore at him – next to the hamper lay his clothes.
Still draped across the chair, they shouted: No respect! No appreciation!
For all I did and all I’d done, he could show some consideration.
Just as I muttered a silent vow, ice on flames shot through my soul.
My arms felt numb—I froze in place. I could not breathe--my heart jumped pace.
He would never toss another shirt--Not on the chair, not on the floor.
He’d never leave another dish; glance back before he closed the door.
Again he’d hold me tenderly and ease my angry brow, if only
He were able…He’d never do it now.
Grief-overwhelmed, I’d left his bed, and home I went with cloudy head.
Looked around at our old lives, each child attached to hip and thigh.
Oh how precious, light to bear, were the clothes piled on the chair,
And how I sobbed to realize it’d be the last I’d find them there.
I let them lie there several weeks, a symbol of his life with me…
Sometimes at night I’d sit and stare at the clothes he’d touched, still on the chair…
Knowing if I picked them up, the next day there would not be more,
and never would be more again. Regret, ashamed, I’d once resented
Little things I now lamented.
Wiping tears from a wiser face, I smiled--the clothes still in their place.
The sun still shone, he had not died, my daydream warned and then goodbyed.
Laughed out loud with happiness, removed his toss of thoughtlessness,
Grateful knowing on the morrow--there’d be more-- for days to follow.
August 3, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I'm an assistant den leader in cub scouts right now. I'm just getting started. I have only done one activity so far, but I'm happy to do it. I really love the boys. We only have three, and after christmas we'll just have two. But they love being part of the scouts, something bigger than themselves, and I feel the keen responsibility of teaching them how to become mature, respectful, and honest boys. Of course the ultimate responsibility lies with their parents, but we have an opportunity to teach them things they want to learn from us. Parents don't usually get that privaledge. So I'm happy to be volunteering my time this way.
Kaylee is so big now. She can talk when she wants to, though she still doesn't say her 'l's. So she says Kayee, or Kaydee. She is so cute when she talks about syeepine on her poyo. (sleeping on her pillow.) And she likes the yite (light) on. She talks backwards so she says 'on a yite.' Instead of -turn the light on, and she says 'cheese want mommy peese.'
The other day she was asking for a cookie. I said no, and she gave me a sad pouty face, and said 'peese mommy?' I still said no, and she walked away and came back and said 'kisses?' So she kissed me, and then she put on the sweetest most charming smile she could manage, and said so maturely and warmly, "peeeeese a cookie, mommy? Peeeeeese?" along with the sign language for please. There was such peace in her expression, as though she knew I was going to give her what she thought she needed. How could I resist! I laughed and said alright, She'd worked for it. ;)
Peter is pulling up to stand, and even cruising a little, siding along the couch and mattresses. He's not as fast as Kaylee was, thank goodness. She walked at 10 months. I'm hoping he'll wait till he's 12 months. He has a cute little grin, and he's very ticklish. He loves books already, and loves to be held and walked around with. He's not extremely cuddly, but still needs lots of affection. He has one tooth, and is going around biting everything. He's trying to bite me right now, but I think he knows he cant chomp down, cause the times he's done it while nursing, I holler and he gets scared.
I'm so in love with my children. I don't know what I'd do without them. I don't know who I'd be without them, and I'm realizing that that's okay. When my children are grown, that'll be the time I can do whatever I want, and odds are, I'll want to do things with them! That's okay too! I love being a stay at home mom. When I look into the deep eyes of my babies, and feel their love and share my life with them, I know I'd never trade them for anything in the world. I'd have to be very poor before I'd send them away and get a job. Almost every day we dance around the house for an hour, we draw and read books together, we cuddle and talk, and go on walks and rides in the golf cart. Every day I teach them about the world and God, and themselves. I can't bear to see them suffer, and although I make many stupid mistakes, and sometimes lose my cool, and all in all, I am not a very good mother yet, I am still trying to be better, and I'm not at all sorry I'm doing it. It's what I've worked my whole life to become. I just hope I can become a better person so my children can have a good example to follow.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Above is our family on Easter, and the other two pictures speak for themselves. About the picture of Kaylee, she was playing a few feet away from me, and was quiet for a few moments. I looked to find her sleeping in her car, with one foot out of the door. She had fought her nap that day, and ironically, the nap won. Peter is maturing daily, and is now almost wearing 6-9 month clothes, at only 4 months old! He's a sweetheart. For the past month or so, Peter would wail every time I put him in a certain bouncy seat we have, and I'd give him a passy to suck on, or just tell him I'd be with him soon, but I couldn't hold him all the time you know. He'd arch his back, cry, and nearly squirm out of it . I figured he just didn't like it because it laid him back too far or something. Then today I was cleaning it and found an old pacifier underneath the lining! It was the hard plastic kind too. My poor baby was having to sit on that!! No wonder he hated it! Just goes to show you that you should always listen to your babies, and trust what they're telling you, even if you can't understand it right then. I really felt terrible for making him endure that.
My extended family:
May 1st Keith Daniel Tucker was born. Karma was able to give birth via vbac, just like she wanted, and raved and raved about how great she felt, how at peace with herself she was, and how satisfied she was after pushing her baby out and being able to walk around and not be tied to a morphine drip. (Her first two babies were c-sections.)
My sister Tami is pregnant again with her 3rd child! Her babies will be just 16 months apart. She wanted it that way so the adjustment wouldn't be so hard for the older boy, (Joey). Her oldest was 3 when his younger brother was born, and Tami felt it was just too hard for him to adjust to the newcomer. So we're all thrilled!!
My old roommate Kerri Crozier is expecting twins after trying for over 4 years! I'm so excited and happy for her!
My family is coming along. Kevin and I are learning to forgive, apologize, and compromise. It's hard sometimes, but I know it is worth it. I have promised myself that my kids will always have their father and mother united. Our hearts grow bigger with every trial, and every memory.
Friday, May 12, 2006
I'm so in love with my new baby boy. He smiles now, and coos at us. It's so exciting to see his personality start to come out. We have so much to look forward to! We're just beginning to get to know Peter. I am having so much fun with him! I feel so happy I sometimes laugh outloud when I look in Peter's grinning face and see God' love beaming back at me. Love really can change you, and even though I am a mom already, this new love in my life has renewed my sense of devotion. I am even more determined to give all that I have and more to ensure the legacy I leave behind is one of joy, love, and unwavering faith. Oh how I love my babies!!!!!!
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Well, Peter James is now 2 1/2 months old. He smiles and smiles at us, and is known as the baby with the "perfect head." Since he was born, people have been commenting on his perfect cylindrical head. It was the second thing I noticed about him after he was born, and people at church, restraunts, grocery stores, and all over seem to notice too. I've never seen anything like it myself.
Kaylee is becoming more rotten by the day, but we love her more every day too. She's entering the tantrum stage, and has decided she no longer likes to sleep. She is a loving big sister though, and hugs and kisses her little brother frequently. She has discovered that fun pool of water we call a toilet, and loves to throw toys in it, and just slosh around in it till mommy comes in and ends all the fun. She has been scolded heavily and told emphatically what a "NO NO" it is, but alas the behavior continues. Last week my mom found Kaylee in the bathroom with a very wet shirt wagging her finger at the toilet, shouting, "NO NO!!, No No!!" Mom just stared, not knowing what to do because Kaylee was already doing the scolding for her! Some days I wonder if she'll catch on that I have no clue how to do this parenting thing, and I'm just making it up as I go along. Sometimes she seems to know.
Kaylee is very expressive, and has lots of grown up faces. She perfectly mimics us. We find it irresistible, more so than anyone else I think. But on Easter Sunday, Peter copied Kevin by sticking his lip out again and again, and then grinned to see Kevin laugh and laugh. We're so happy to have two little monkeys!!
Well, that's all for now!!
Saturday, February 18, 2006
On Feb. 3rd at 2:15am, my son Peter James Ferguson was born. He was 6lbs 14oz. He now weighs 8 lbs. He was born at home as planned, and everything went well. Apart from some minor complications there were no surprises. My midwife handled the glitches very well, and she has been a support to me ever since. She was and is wonderful. I would have a baby at home again in a heartbeat. I've done it twice now, and I love it! We are all recovering well, and are adjusting to life with a new addition. Kevin was wonderful at the birth, and has been a great support to me during these first couple of weeks. I'm so lucky to have such a loving and understanding hubby. Well, tah tah for now!!