I can now say honestly that I am a homeschool mom. I have a real curriculum that I use to teach my children. I stray from it daily, but I do use it as a guide. I have goals, which will also have to be flexible, as unexpected issues come up.
Kaylee, my dear little 6 year old isn't very into reading yet. She reads very little--only 7 or so words. She knows the alphabet song, but the visual letters allude her. I teach her, she learns, and then forgets. Over and over, the cycle is repeated. When I prayed about what I should do with her this year, I got the unmistakable answer that I should homeschool her. I am glad she is not in a setting where she is compared to other kids.
That said, I can see that my lofty goals for this year may have to be taken down a few notches. Yesterday I found myself fighting back tears and getting short with the kids as I fought my own feelings of inadequacy. We moms blame ourselves when we see our kids struggling. It's silly and illogical, and harmful in the long run. So I have had to take this to the Lord in prayer, and ask Him to give me peace and confidence in this calling He gave me.
I have a lot to teach, but most of all, a lot to learn. Patience seems to be the key, which I have yet to master. I have to learn to see the world through their eyes. I can't just do whatever worked for me. I have to actually KNOW my kids.
I thought I was intuitive. I thought I was attentive. I thought I knew my kids from the inside out. I spend almost every waking minute with them. How could I not know them?
Yet just today I have had to be honest with myself. Do I really SEE them? Or do I just see my own anxieties, hopes, dreams, and pride? When my husband lovingly said me this evening that my daughter may not be the English whiz that her mother was, or even want to be, it opened up a new concept to me. He pointed out that she could be more wired to excel at math, or science, or something other than my passion. (I had not even considered that my daughter would be different from me.)
He also shared with me that he developed a keen visualization talent by listening to stories as a child who couldn't read. As a result, he is an excellent map reader, direction finder, and truck driver who can drive, park and back up trucks easily, as he can visualize the dimensions of the vehicle he's in. (As opposed to me, who read easily as a child, yet couldn't find my way out of a paper bag, and can barely stay between the lines of the road.)
I learned today that all of us have our own path in life, and there is a reason for it. My way may not be the best way for someone else. So tonight I pray for patience, peace, and understanding, that I may guide without pushing, and lead without anxiety. My children's education is my responsibility, not their happiness. That is entirely up to them.