Today I found that I could not feel the Spirit as much as I wanted to. There was unfinished business in my home. Laundry undone, dishes piled in the sink, and clutter taking over. I spent much of my time running kids to and fro, and then realized that I would not get where I was seeking to go if my house is not in order. The Spirit cannot dwell in an unclean 'temple.' So this evening I got to work, cleaning, getting the kids to help. At first it was a frenzy, and I did a lot of scolding and snapping, and then I realized I was still "missing the mark."
I changed my tone, and explained to the kids why we were doing this. They became engaged, because they wanted to feel the Spirit too. They have missed it too. Then the cleaning took on a smoother gate, and swifter progress was made, because it was done in the spirit of seeking, and serving God.
There was a heavenly moment today that gave me just a tiny taste of what I'm hoping for. A moment when I got really honest with myself, and in turn, my kids. As I drove in the car, a feeling of anguish overcame me, and I felt inspired to share this journey with my children. I told them why they had seen me crying half the morning. I told them I feel such sadness, because I miss my Savior, I miss feeling His love all the time, and having it in our home all the time. They in turn shared that they have felt that way too. Remember, my kids are ages 6,5, and 2. They told me that they remember when I did not know Christ, and I was so angry and pushed them away from my heart, but now, especially after we moved to this house, "you are different," they said. "You want to love Jesus, and you keep trying to know Him. You still get angry, and then you get happy, and you just keep going back and forth." I shared with them that I want with all my heart to be a better, more loving Mommy, that they can trust to be close to Christ all the time.
I spent a lot of time crying today, yearning for what I used to be, the relationship I used to have with God. I spent some time on my knees, some time in reflection, reading, listening to, and watching inspirational media. Yet I did not read scriptures themselves. I feel like the Spirit has still not pierced my heart. It may be that only the actual words of God can break through these hardened walls. Look for an update tomorrow.