So you'd like an update

Word is my brother-in-law would like an update. I'm sorry to say that there's still no news yet. We haven't even picked a Doctor, so we haven't had an ultrasound. I assume that is what he was referring to. :) Anyhow, I can't remember how far along I am now, but I'm sure it's not 20 weeks yet. That's when we'll find out what we're having. I did get to hear my baby's heart beat, and that was such a thrill!! The midwife came for my first prenatal visit, and was able to find it. It was bold, loud, and strong- like a boy- perhaps! Kevin wants a boy so badly, though we've gotten so used to our little girl we're not sure what we'd do with a boy! My midwife thinks it's a boy too because I was so sick with my girl, and now I'm hardly ever sick. But some people think that's just because my body knows what's going on, since I had a baby just a year ago. So the suspense continues.

The other day Kevin and I were watching TV, and he just blurted out, "I wish you didn't have to go through child-birth again." Until that moment, I hadn't really thought about the fact that I was going to have to go through that indescribable pain again!! Thinking about it, my heart-rate started speeding up, and I had to take deep breaths to try to calm myself. I decided I must do what every mother has to do, and "take no thought for the things of tomarrow, for tomarrow will take thought for the things of itself." (Sermon on the Mount) They say that a woman going into labor for the first time is scared because she doesn't know what to expect. A woman going into labor for the second time is terrified because she KNOWS what to expect! But of course, as TLC says of childbirth, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for." And that's the truth.

Mom times 2

Well, Kaylee is almost 13 months old now, and we're expecting number 2! We think it'll be a boy this time, but we won't know for sure for a couple of weeks. Kaylee has recently become a handful. She's discovered her stubborn side, (she gets that from her father,) and is testing me every time I turn around. I don't know if we'd have gone ahead and gotten pregnant again if we'd waited until now. I suppose it's best just to jump into some things, and take whatever comes, rather than waiting until it's convenient. Other wise, we'd be making the decisions based on our own immediate selfish desires, and not what's best in the long run. Children do not stay toddlers forever, and this I keep telling myself as I pull my hair out. Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. I'm watching my baby's brain develop at phenomenal rates! She talks babble, with lots of inflections in her voice, and even does a little sign language, which delights me to see. She walks and runs beautifully, and can now drink from a sippy cup all by herself. I treasure the sweet moments when she sleeps on my shoulder, or runs to give her daddy a hug.

One day, as I was suffering from morning sickness, she placed her hand on my arm and spoke softly into my ear, some thing that sounded like, "bada blanada da." And stood quietly beside me as I wretched over the toilet. Such a sweet angel. Every time we sit on the floor with her, she climbs into our laps. She loves to hug and cuddle, and she's happiest when we're all together. So parenting is full of good and ugly. It's our privilege to dwell on the good, while still not putting up with naughty behavior. It's harder than it looks! I have such a new, profound respect for my own mother. Thanks mom, for ALL you did and DO!!

A year ago today

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in a hospital bed, thinking I was in labor. It turned out to be only a practice run, but that 15 hour false alarm set the stage for the most incredible birth experience I never imagined. After my difficult and uncomfortable experience in the hospital, I remember my husband and I sighing with relief when we finally drove away. I could feel all my muscles relaxing, and a wave of comfort took over my entire being as soon as I saw my home. Looking back, the hospital was a cold, stark environment compared to my house, and I'm glad my baby wasn't born there. My next child will be born at home too, if all goes well. I'll have a midwife, and plan it this time, and my baby will have the opportunity to be born in the loving, spiritual atmosphere that my first baby was. I was never the kind of person who agreed with home births, but after my accidental one, I was sold! In the hospital, I was tense and nervous. At home, I was at peace. That's definitely the experience I'd choose!!

Have you ever had a loved one suddenly gone?

I was thinking one day about what it's like when someone you love, unexpectedly dies. This is the product of that.

Standing lone amid a crowd,
Questions o’er my thinking shroud.
Where did you go that mournful day?
Why did you leave that lonely way?
Without a word, no last goodbye,
Did you run away, Or rise to fly?
Where did you go, I need to know, and Why?

Did turning back, you weep to find
Grief seizing worlds which you’d been part,
Or did it cross your forward mind
You held another’s beating heart?

Questions I cannot hope to answer.
Wond’ring is a growing cancer.

Looking past as strangers plod,
Asking you, and asking God.
Show me clearly where to find
The mountains you once bravely climbed.

Wanting for your fond embrace,
I fumble, cannot find my place.
If I but step I’ll fall, I fear.
I need your strength, your words to hear.

Embarrassed, looking at my feet,
A smile escapes, you warmly greet.
As I can feel you draw me near.
I cannot stem this budding tear.

Naught is why when through my heart
You’re warm sun’s loving ray.
Naught is went when where you are
Is not so far away.

Becoming a Mother

When I gave birth to my daughter, I felt as though legions of angels were cheering with me. Now, as I look at her, I can see why. Something I never really considered is that each new life that enters the world affects it in some way. And every new baby has the potential to affect it in some great way. I look at Kaylee, and I don't see just a little 1-yr-old toddling around, I see generations that will stem from her great grandmother, and great great grandmother. Her legacy will affect hundreds, and thousands of people! Every time she meets a friend, she will change her/him in some way. Every time she falls in love, or stands up for herself, or shows compassion, she will alter the world a little more. Every time she teaches someone, or hurts someone, she's changing the world, for better, or worse. When the fate of the world is depending on ME to raise my daughter right, it's hard not to be afraid from time to time! At least I'm not Mary, and that's not literally true. I imagine she was more than just a little aprehensive from time to time. I think we women feel a strong connection to Mary when we become mothers, because we feel just a smidge of what she must have felt, and those of us who give birth naturally feel just a smidge of what Jesus felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. How could we not feel closer to them!

First Step

Kaylee stood up unassisted and took her first step yesterday. She started standing up in the morning at home, which Kevin got to see before me. Then at our friend's house, she stood up by herself, and took one step toward me! It was so amazing! She hasn't done it since, but we know she'll start walking very soon. I bought Kaylee a 12month dress today. The first one I've bought. I couldn't believe she's old enough to wear it yet! Why can't they stay young forever? It's so hard to see my baby grow up.