More profound words from Kirk Martin

These words have made such a difference:

"This isn't the life you expected. You have turned into someone you never thought you'd become. You used to be this carefree person who had such great hopes for the future. Now you find yourself staying awake worrying about your kids; you are constantly getting on your children; it seems the only time they listen is when you are yelling or screaming. Instead of enjoying your kids, you are frustrated, stressed and angry. Sometimes you don't like them very much. And the truth is that you don't like the person you've become. "

OUCH, but true. That is my confession right there, the confession that many moms rarely admit to themselves or to one another. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY!!

"The purpose of relationships is transformation: Relationships cause friction...That friction can either result in us being worn down, resentful and irritated; or the friction can strip the crusty, gritty exterior off of us and leave us shinier and better than we were before. So if you have a difficult child or spouse, be thankful. I promise that loving and liking that child or spouse is going to result in you becoming a stronger, more patient, more gracious person than you were before."

That hit me hard, and has struck me over and over again many times as I've thought back on it. This new perspective got me to stop resenting my own spouse and children. This perspective got me to let go of wishing they were different; saying within myself, "If only I had a more patient husband," or "If only I had more obedient children..." This kind of thinking was destructive, and it was inhibiting my own progress and growth.

"Begin by changing you. Let's not even think about our kids or our spouse right now. Because the most powerful person in the world is you. You can either be worn down and shaped by others, by society, by the school system-or you can choose today to begin shaping everyone else NOT by controlling people or circumstances, but by controlling yourself (your anxiety, your emotions, your moods, your choices.) "

That concept has been the hardest one for me, as Kirk would tell you, since he's had to remind me more than once. I am not choosing to be calm to change and control my family, I do it for my own peace. I have to remind myself over and over because looking at everyone else as the problem is a very difficult habit to change. I now have a written note for myself that I keep as a reminder that says 'Control yourself, and ONLY yourself.'

"No matter what anyone does to me, I can still choose to bless them. No matter what my son says or does, I still have the power to decide how I am going to respond (or not respond.) No matter what society says, no matter what the evening news says, I have a choice...Instead of waiting for everyone else around me to change, I am going to be a better person."

This subject is spoken about frequently in many different genres. Man's Search for Meaning, and, The Hiding Place are two books that talk about this principle in the extreme, based on nazi prison camps. I read them years ago, and was touched by the examples I read about, but I had no idea that I could be like that!




"Celebrate your kids' strengths and watch them flourish."



It takes practice to say outloud the talents and strengths of our kids that we see. It takes constant effort for me to continuously compliment and point out the positive, but it gets easier with time. I find that sometimes compliments just roll off my toungue without even thinking about it now, and as we keep looking at our kids' positive attributes, we see more and more, and we see them deeper and richer, and eventually, they see it too, and it's a beautiful cascade that leads to blessings you can not imagine!

"After you read this, take a deep breath. Resolve that YOU are going to be a different person, that YOU are going to change yourself, that YOU are going to see the best in your children and students. And watch your family and classroom begin to thrive."

Catch the YOU. YOU cannot, as I have learned, resolve that your spouse is going to be different; that your relatives are going to change themselves; and that your children are going to see the best in you. YOU can only (and it is enough) to change and control ONLY YOU.

This does not mean you can't invite your family. Once I had some time to practice, we had a Family Home Evening and discussed the family we have been vs. family we want to be. We set goals as a family, and the children and Kevin have all agreed that this is a good goal to work on as a family. It is really liberating and healing for the kids to get to talk about their feelings. It was hard at first, to hear the painful truth from their tiny lips, but it was wonderful to see the healing start to take place as we apologized for the past, and promised with our whole hearts to strive to be better, and we have. We now have a more open, loving relationship with the kids, and they feel like they can come to us more. I say we, but Kevin is in complete control of his path, and I am in complete control of mine. We are growing at different rates and speeds, and sometimes each of us slip back, but we never stop trying, and now looking back, we seem to be a completely different family!

One last note from Ginny: My family has been brought closer by this, and it has brought me closer to my own faith. I am able to pray without inner conflict, look at myself in the mirror and genuinely smile, because I can see the woman God created me to be begin to emerge. I am simply following Christ's teachings of being slow to anger, patient and kind, and loving others as well as myself. Christ's teachings, when acted upon with consistency, heal all wounds, change hearts, and allow people to blossom no matter what age they begin to live them.

“If a woman wishes to control her children, in the first place let her learn to control herself.” –Brigham Young

4pm crash time

Right now it's my 4pm crash time. It's when I'd love to take a nap, but with three kids, I don't get that option. I have started dinner, and am just waiting on the chicken to finish cooking. I will get a second wind at about 7:00 which will give me the energy to clean up dinner, get the kids to bed, and then crash at 10:00. If I stay up longer, I'll get a third wind and be able to stay up till midnight. I try not to stay up that long.

This time of day when I need to nap but can't, I become sentimental, and start looking back at my life. I keep thinking about something Kirk said in his marriage CDs. He says that the purest kind of love, is "I love myself for your sake." Meaning we love others enough to not be an emotional burdeon on them. We don't have checklists in our mind of who does more for the other, our relationship is not a competition, the other person doesn't have to prove anything to us, and there is no resentment on our part because of feeling unfulfilled. "I make sure I'm fulfilled on my own." Truest love is without strings, expecting the other to meet any of our needs. It is completely selfless, because only when our cup is full can we think of others without selfish desires of having that person fulfilling needs we may have. Christ-like love. How many people have I loved that way? Have I ever been whole enough to love anyone that way? I think my whole soul is due for a make-over.

Catching up!!

Peter is now 3 years old! He is very active, climbing, jumping, running, etc. But he's also very controlled for the most part. I would not call him wild, just energetic. Yesterday I was scolding him for standing with the fridge open, and he just broke down and cried, and asked for a passy. We got rid of the passy months ago, but he still asks for it when he's really upset. So I'm thinking:

A. He needs a nap,

B. He's been watching his overly dramatic sister, or

C. He's feeling really insecure because I've been scolding him a lot today, and haven't been very nice to him.

I decided it was C, with a little bit of A. I let him cry for a few minutes, then put the baby down and held Peter for a while. I sang his Peter Rabbit song, hugged him , and told him how much I loved my big boy, etc. We sang several songs, and I made sure to make eye contact, which I reallized had been a really long time, at least days, since I'd really looked into his eyes. He immediately responded, and gave me a big kiss on the mouth and said, "I love you, Mira." (Mira is his nicname for me.) I realized then that I had missed my son maybe even more than he'd missed me, because when he got up and walked away, my whole being silently cried out, "COME BACK!" So I offered to sit and read some books with him until he was like, "Mom, that's enough...really... I'm good now. Leave me alone." Sniff.

Peter loves to pray. He prays over everything. Every time I give him a glass of water, he prays over it. It's like this compulsion that he can't eat or drink until he prays. Kevin said one night he gave Peter 5 refills of his cereal, (Peter eats a ton, and still is tiny,) and each time the food was set in front of him, he said a prayer. He loves to start by saying, "OH NO! We forgot to say a prayer!"

The other day he found a stash of candy up high in a cabinet. I would not have known, until I heard his little voice behind the couch saying "Heavy Father, thank you for this day..."

Peter is also very good with language. Ironicly, he was my only child to take a pacifier, and the fastest to speak. So what they say, that pacifiers delay speach, was NOT true with my son. When I read books with Peter, he often is telling me what to say before I say it (he memorizes them.) He teaches me sign language from his Signing Time videos. He will remember things he's learned with no reminders for months! I want to start teaching him reading, and I wish I could teach him other spoken languages, but I am not fluent in any other language. Kaylee is now 4. She is very active, and wild much of the time, though she is calming down a lot as I gradually try to use celebrate calm principles with her. http://www.celebratecalm.com/, it helps with my other kids too. Some days are better than others.

She has a very good memory sometimes, and it surprises me! She remembers her toddler years, and will look at an object and tell me how she got it, or what happened when she got it, when I don't even remember.

She is also very observant. She asks questions constantly, and is a mommy in training. She does a perfect impression of me, and often gets in trouble for immitating me, such as spanking her brother. I have a hard time with it, because she is usually careful to say she's sorry to have to do this, and how she doesn't like to spank him, but he just can't be naughty. He cries, and I come in and say "Hey! That's not your job Kaylee! It's my job!" Then I hear her telling Peter later, "Peter, it is not your job to spank! It's my job." Right now she is putting a load of laundry in to wash. Really.

Kaylee is also a princess, and loves pretty things, except she loves to wear her brother's "zippers." She gets in to my make-up frequently, and loves purses, and pretending she's a mommy. She comes up with names like "Hassaline, and Cashi, and Ci Ci," for her mommy names, and we play make-believe together. It is fun sometimes. I feel like a little kid again.

Last night she was running around the house, round and round constantly for 5 minutes or so, and I was about to tell her to stop running, before she got hurt, and come to dinner; when she informed me that she was "Anjelisha" and riding on a train! She had to ask the conductor to stop the train in a very mature, grown-up voice, so she could come to the table for dinner. As she went"Pssssh, chugga chugga...." and slowed down, I was thankful I hadn't scolded her, and just let her have her childhood moment. What an imagination!

I have one more child than I did last time I posted, Kendon Kevin. He's a very bright little baby. This picture was taken when he was 3 months old. He is now 9 months old, and is such a mama's boy!

He can't leave anything alone. I've learned I can't just give him a toy to play with, because it's too easy. He's bored before he begins. So I give him a bucket with a toy or toys in it. Then he's very interested and is occupied until one of his siblings notices he's having fun and takes the toy away. ;)

He is trying to stand already. I've done nothing to encourage this. It's all him. He's been pulling to stand, and side-stepping along the couch and bed. He has begun trying to stand with nothing to hold on to recently. Mostly to get at me. He is learning to speak as well. He often copies our sounds. He loves "OWWW." We hear that a lot in our house. He says "mama" which is the only word he says that he knows the meaning of at this point. He's been my only baby to say "mama" before "daddy."

He saw me writing one day, and was very interested, and eventually attacked the pen and paper. Then later I caught him trying to write with a pen, the point side down and everything, and then the next day he was doing it again. He's the same way about the computer. We leave him alone for a minute and he's pecking at the keys, squeeling with delight. When the battery cover fell off the remote control, he picked up the cover, and excitedly crawled over to the remote, turned it over to see the batteries, and attempted to put it back together. He's just really observant, and a quick learner.

He's been a very relaxed and easygoing baby for the most part, unless I'm changing his diaper or getting him dressed. He hates being on his back. The last few weeks he's starting to want mommy all the time. It's a sign that he needs more food. I'm nursing, so I know that my milk will adjust to accomidate him within the next two to three weeks, or I could just start feeding him baby food.

He's very curious about food. He cries and bangs on his high chair if we're eating anything, so I often give him tastes. I had to feed him a bunch of my tomato soup the other day, and I was a tad worried about if that was okay for his age. He didn't have any trouble, so I guess it was okay. He also knows the smell and look of craisins, which my kids eat every day, and he demands to be given them, even though I'm a little nervous. But he does fine. He has 6 teeth, and insists on being able to use them! He wants to chomp on breads and crackers, and cookies, and he seems to remember things he likes! He also enjoys gnawing on raw broccoli or carrots.

So that's our update for the kids! Kevin and I are doing really great right now. We're like most couples, and go through ups and downs. The trick of course is having more ups than downs. Lately, we've just had an easy time of communicating, and working through disagreements. I love him so much it hurts!

Last night he stopped at the grocery store without me asking him to, and got some eggs and bread, and a few other things he'd noticed we needed. He did all this, without even calling me!! Some of you may not think that's all that wonderful, but to me, it was a sign of true love! He's come a long way!! He cared about whether we had enough food, and he paid attention! Also, he got the brands I like! I'm pretty picky about my brands...and he nailed it! He also got wheat bread for me, even though he prefers white bread! It was just one of those things that seemed little, but showed a lot of love. I don't think I thanked him enough! I will have to write him a little note.

Kevin spends all day every day building a home for us. He hasn't had a job since just before I got pregnant with Ken. So he's been building a house, hoping to sell it. The economic downturn has really thrown our plans, and is making things very precarious and scary for us. Maybe we're close right now because we're both scared about our future! Well, every cloud has it's silver lining, right?

I love how much my husband loves, and loves to play with his kids!