Is This Your Ideal Life?

In the book "It's All Too Much" by Peter Walsh, he asks you the reader to look around your home; ask yourself, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal life look like?"; then after the vision is crystal clear in your mind, clear away everything that doesn't fit into that ideal. 

I would like to take that advice, and then take it one step further.  For some, a TV in the bedroom is cluttering their ideal love life.  For others, a lack of self control is preventing their ideal relationships.  For still others, a lack of understanding or closeness to Spirit is hampering their ability to feel compassion and love for others.  Each of us is unique, and our lives are all as imperfect and different as we are.  But for all of us, a lack of attention and consistent work will result in chaos.

Acknowledging Weaknesses, Compensating For Them

I was looking around my house the other day, and I snapped.  Have you ever done that?  I was just walking around, tidying, and as I told my kids for the umpteenth time to pick up their toys.  My daughter, the high-spirited one, tells me it's not her job, and I should just do it for her, and as I began to argue with her, I realized something very important.  This is not the life I want.  This is not how I want to spend my time.  Peter Walsh's words came back to me like a roaring wave, and I snapped. 
I went through the house gathering as many toys as I could find, even things that were put away, and I put them in the car.  I got rid of many, many things my children claimed to love, yet showed no respect for, and I informed them they were all going to charity.  I then went through my own things, starting with my shoes, and started throwing out and donating things I don't use and don't need.  It felt so good!  But something else was nagging at me that I couldn't quite pin down. 

I got rid of about 90% of their toys, loved or not.  You may think I'm nuts and say to yourself, "those poor kids!"  That thought did run through my mind briefly, but I pushed it away.  Christmas is next week.  At least 30 more toys are about to enter our house, so these kids will be fine.  

I know a great organizer.  She fits a large amount of stuff into her dust-free home which has few closets, and large empty spaces.  She is neat and tidy, with a place for everything, and everything in its place.  She is also not me.  I have no organization skills apart from  occasional bursts of energy.  I do not do well with daily maintenence.  So to make up for that, I need less stuff.  My goal here is not to tell you that you should get rid of all your kids' toys.  I am attempting to make an analogy.

I filled up the entire car, and sent it away with my husband this morning.  "Good riddance!" I thought to myself.  Away went all the source of the contention and stress in my home, right? 

Wrong

Today I thought would be a finishing day, of finally turning the house into "My ideal life."  I was sure that the kids would be grateful not to be scolded for leaving their toys about.  I was sure that this would be a good day.

Wrong

I dragged, humphed, and got highly irritated with my kids who fought nearly all day.  My daughter even taught the 2-yr-old some new moves, such as how to scream, "I hate you!" and kicking me during a tantrum.  It was when my daughter kicked me and ran to her room that I had to stop and ask myself once again, but this time with more thought, "Is this my ideal life?  What does my ideal family look like?"  I didn't have to imagine it, I just had to think back and remember.  What was different back then?  What was encroaching on that vision?  What needed to be cleared away? 

THE SOURCE

It was then that I realized that the toys, while they were cluttering up my home, my time, and my verbal commands, were not the SOURCE of the contention that has lately been sneaking into my home.  I am thankful that they were not there to be blamed.  This was not my children, or my husband, or simply life's hardships.  This was my doing.  I had lost my drive, my spirit, my intuition, my patience, and worst of all, my charity.  I had changed, and so my family followed suit.  It is time to apologize, and start again.

Reading My Own Blog

For the next little while, this blog will be centered around my attempts to change, to overcome negative reactions in mind, words, and body, and become positively pro-active, again.  To help with that, I am going to be reading my own blog, along with the scriptures, church literature, uplifting and helpful books, and striving to live only the good, while clearing away the bad.  This is where I will discover if my blog is actually helpful in helping someone change.  If it is not, changes will be made.  With God's help, I know I can do this.  I know without a doubt that change is truly possible, with a confession, a desire to change, true sorrow, and a broken heart before God.  I also know it will require Faith that my God is there, Hope that He will help me and that His help will be sufficient; and Charity, a gift of love that I must beg and pray and plead for, while allowing my heart to be open to it.

This blog isn't about me prostrating my life in front of everyone, setting up some sort of false ideal to be admired.  This blog is about real change, and wanting (and believing) that change can be permanent, in favor of kindness, patience, love, and godliness.  This blog is about beating family contention, and patterns of abuse, unkindness, impatience, neglect, and other mistreatments of children that are so often passed from generation to generation.  This is me telling the world: I need to change too, and I know it's hard, and I know it seems impossible, because I feel all of those things!  I have hope, because I have been there before, and I know I can be there again, with time, patience, and consistent daily effort.  I will let you know about the tools that help the most, and the ones that don't.  I will let you know how my family reacts, and most of all, all the inspirations that come to me during this process. 

I will end with a heartfelt plea.  If you are like me, PLEASE don't give up.  Please don't give in.  You have not failed if you have not lost hope.  If you feel anger, resentment, frustration, and pain, you are not alone.  If you feel hopeless, afraid, defeated, you are not alone.  If you feel defensive, self-righteous, even confused, you are not alone.  You are not alone.  All of us need help.  All of us need a change sometimes, and change begins with me.

More profound words from Kirk Martin

These words have made such a difference:

"This isn't the life you expected. You have turned into someone you never thought you'd become. You used to be this carefree person who had such great hopes for the future. Now you find yourself staying awake worrying about your kids; you are constantly getting on your children; it seems the only time they listen is when you are yelling or screaming. Instead of enjoying your kids, you are frustrated, stressed and angry. Sometimes you don't like them very much. And the truth is that you don't like the person you've become. "

OUCH, but true. That is my confession right there, the confession that many moms rarely admit to themselves or to one another. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY!!

"The purpose of relationships is transformation: Relationships cause friction...That friction can either result in us being worn down, resentful and irritated; or the friction can strip the crusty, gritty exterior off of us and leave us shinier and better than we were before. So if you have a difficult child or spouse, be thankful. I promise that loving and liking that child or spouse is going to result in you becoming a stronger, more patient, more gracious person than you were before."

That hit me hard, and has struck me over and over again many times as I've thought back on it. This new perspective got me to stop resenting my own spouse and children. This perspective got me to let go of wishing they were different; saying within myself, "If only I had a more patient husband," or "If only I had more obedient children..." This kind of thinking was destructive, and it was inhibiting my own progress and growth.

"Begin by changing you. Let's not even think about our kids or our spouse right now. Because the most powerful person in the world is you. You can either be worn down and shaped by others, by society, by the school system-or you can choose today to begin shaping everyone else NOT by controlling people or circumstances, but by controlling yourself (your anxiety, your emotions, your moods, your choices.) "

That concept has been the hardest one for me, as Kirk would tell you, since he's had to remind me more than once. I am not choosing to be calm to change and control my family, I do it for my own peace. I have to remind myself over and over because looking at everyone else as the problem is a very difficult habit to change. I now have a written note for myself that I keep as a reminder that says 'Control yourself, and ONLY yourself.'

"No matter what anyone does to me, I can still choose to bless them. No matter what my son says or does, I still have the power to decide how I am going to respond (or not respond.) No matter what society says, no matter what the evening news says, I have a choice...Instead of waiting for everyone else around me to change, I am going to be a better person."

This subject is spoken about frequently in many different genres. Man's Search for Meaning, and, The Hiding Place are two books that talk about this principle in the extreme, based on nazi prison camps. I read them years ago, and was touched by the examples I read about, but I had no idea that I could be like that!




"Celebrate your kids' strengths and watch them flourish."



It takes practice to say outloud the talents and strengths of our kids that we see. It takes constant effort for me to continuously compliment and point out the positive, but it gets easier with time. I find that sometimes compliments just roll off my toungue without even thinking about it now, and as we keep looking at our kids' positive attributes, we see more and more, and we see them deeper and richer, and eventually, they see it too, and it's a beautiful cascade that leads to blessings you can not imagine!

"After you read this, take a deep breath. Resolve that YOU are going to be a different person, that YOU are going to change yourself, that YOU are going to see the best in your children and students. And watch your family and classroom begin to thrive."

Catch the YOU. YOU cannot, as I have learned, resolve that your spouse is going to be different; that your relatives are going to change themselves; and that your children are going to see the best in you. YOU can only (and it is enough) to change and control ONLY YOU.

This does not mean you can't invite your family. Once I had some time to practice, we had a Family Home Evening and discussed the family we have been vs. family we want to be. We set goals as a family, and the children and Kevin have all agreed that this is a good goal to work on as a family. It is really liberating and healing for the kids to get to talk about their feelings. It was hard at first, to hear the painful truth from their tiny lips, but it was wonderful to see the healing start to take place as we apologized for the past, and promised with our whole hearts to strive to be better, and we have. We now have a more open, loving relationship with the kids, and they feel like they can come to us more. I say we, but Kevin is in complete control of his path, and I am in complete control of mine. We are growing at different rates and speeds, and sometimes each of us slip back, but we never stop trying, and now looking back, we seem to be a completely different family!

One last note from Ginny: My family has been brought closer by this, and it has brought me closer to my own faith. I am able to pray without inner conflict, look at myself in the mirror and genuinely smile, because I can see the woman God created me to be begin to emerge. I am simply following Christ's teachings of being slow to anger, patient and kind, and loving others as well as myself. Christ's teachings, when acted upon with consistency, heal all wounds, change hearts, and allow people to blossom no matter what age they begin to live them.

“If a woman wishes to control her children, in the first place let her learn to control herself.” –Brigham Young

Happy Birthday, my son

Dear Son,

You are 1 year old now. At this time 1 year ago, I was gazing at your perfect face, wondering what your name was going to be. You changed everything. Your birth, your personality, your smile, your love changed me, your dad, and your brother and sister. Some people thought that after we had a boy and a girl that we didn't need any more kids, but I always knew better. We needed you. Thank you for coming to us.

The day you were born my love for your dad deepened, my commitment to him strengthened, and I felt a peace and happiness I never knew was possible in this life.

You were born in our bedroom with a midwife, on the very bed that your big brother was born on with the same midwife, and your big sister was nursed on. Your dad was sitting behind me; he was my strength and comfort. He prayed with me, he cried with me, and he laughed with me, encouraged me, and believed in me. He was everything and everyone I needed right then.

Instead of complaining about the pain of labor, I looked forward to each step closer to meeting you. Instead of wishing it were over, I savored each contraction as an opportunity to draw closer to God, and to your dad. Near the end, when it was time to push you out, I had to overcome some fear, and our midwife helped me by telling me scriptures, and I hugged your Daddy's legs as I cried just long enough to get my feelings out. Then I felt a wave of excitement and happiness come over me, and I told the midwife and your dad, "I want to hold my baby so much!" Finally, you were born, and I got to hold you with Daddy's arms around my own, in our first loving embrace.

You were perfect and beautiful. You were tiny, snuggly, and soft; and loved to be held all the time. Your brother and sister loved you so much! Sometimes they fought over who got to hold you. You were "Peter's baby," but you were also Kaylee's baby, because she didn't remember when Peter was her baby. Peter would often say, "Mommy, will you please feed my baby?" Kaylee would say, "This is my brother-sister."

Mommy nursed you, but you were the hardest to nurse, and we went through 4 weeks of pain to get it right. I'm grateful now that I went through it all, and with the help of Roxanne, our wonderful lactation consultant, we never gave up till we got it right. Now you and I enjoy a bond that fills both our souls with happy calm and comfort. I am thankful for that struggle because it forced me down to my knees, and my love for God grew as I spoke with him earnestly day after day.

You changed everything. You changed my heart and softened it toward things I needed to be more open to. You were the 3rd and final reason I needed to have the humility to grow, the faith to look for a better way to be, and a softer way to love and teach. I love you my son, and I remember this as a changing day for all of us, when you were born one year ago, today.