Is This Your Ideal Life?

In the book "It's All Too Much" by Peter Walsh, he asks you the reader to look around your home; ask yourself, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal life look like?"; then after the vision is crystal clear in your mind, clear away everything that doesn't fit into that ideal. 

I would like to take that advice, and then take it one step further.  For some, a TV in the bedroom is cluttering their ideal love life.  For others, a lack of self control is preventing their ideal relationships.  For still others, a lack of understanding or closeness to Spirit is hampering their ability to feel compassion and love for others.  Each of us is unique, and our lives are all as imperfect and different as we are.  But for all of us, a lack of attention and consistent work will result in chaos.

Acknowledging Weaknesses, Compensating For Them

I was looking around my house the other day, and I snapped.  Have you ever done that?  I was just walking around, tidying, and as I told my kids for the umpteenth time to pick up their toys.  My daughter, the high-spirited one, tells me it's not her job, and I should just do it for her, and as I began to argue with her, I realized something very important.  This is not the life I want.  This is not how I want to spend my time.  Peter Walsh's words came back to me like a roaring wave, and I snapped. 
I went through the house gathering as many toys as I could find, even things that were put away, and I put them in the car.  I got rid of many, many things my children claimed to love, yet showed no respect for, and I informed them they were all going to charity.  I then went through my own things, starting with my shoes, and started throwing out and donating things I don't use and don't need.  It felt so good!  But something else was nagging at me that I couldn't quite pin down. 

I got rid of about 90% of their toys, loved or not.  You may think I'm nuts and say to yourself, "those poor kids!"  That thought did run through my mind briefly, but I pushed it away.  Christmas is next week.  At least 30 more toys are about to enter our house, so these kids will be fine.  

I know a great organizer.  She fits a large amount of stuff into her dust-free home which has few closets, and large empty spaces.  She is neat and tidy, with a place for everything, and everything in its place.  She is also not me.  I have no organization skills apart from  occasional bursts of energy.  I do not do well with daily maintenence.  So to make up for that, I need less stuff.  My goal here is not to tell you that you should get rid of all your kids' toys.  I am attempting to make an analogy.

I filled up the entire car, and sent it away with my husband this morning.  "Good riddance!" I thought to myself.  Away went all the source of the contention and stress in my home, right? 

Wrong

Today I thought would be a finishing day, of finally turning the house into "My ideal life."  I was sure that the kids would be grateful not to be scolded for leaving their toys about.  I was sure that this would be a good day.

Wrong

I dragged, humphed, and got highly irritated with my kids who fought nearly all day.  My daughter even taught the 2-yr-old some new moves, such as how to scream, "I hate you!" and kicking me during a tantrum.  It was when my daughter kicked me and ran to her room that I had to stop and ask myself once again, but this time with more thought, "Is this my ideal life?  What does my ideal family look like?"  I didn't have to imagine it, I just had to think back and remember.  What was different back then?  What was encroaching on that vision?  What needed to be cleared away? 

THE SOURCE

It was then that I realized that the toys, while they were cluttering up my home, my time, and my verbal commands, were not the SOURCE of the contention that has lately been sneaking into my home.  I am thankful that they were not there to be blamed.  This was not my children, or my husband, or simply life's hardships.  This was my doing.  I had lost my drive, my spirit, my intuition, my patience, and worst of all, my charity.  I had changed, and so my family followed suit.  It is time to apologize, and start again.

Reading My Own Blog

For the next little while, this blog will be centered around my attempts to change, to overcome negative reactions in mind, words, and body, and become positively pro-active, again.  To help with that, I am going to be reading my own blog, along with the scriptures, church literature, uplifting and helpful books, and striving to live only the good, while clearing away the bad.  This is where I will discover if my blog is actually helpful in helping someone change.  If it is not, changes will be made.  With God's help, I know I can do this.  I know without a doubt that change is truly possible, with a confession, a desire to change, true sorrow, and a broken heart before God.  I also know it will require Faith that my God is there, Hope that He will help me and that His help will be sufficient; and Charity, a gift of love that I must beg and pray and plead for, while allowing my heart to be open to it.

This blog isn't about me prostrating my life in front of everyone, setting up some sort of false ideal to be admired.  This blog is about real change, and wanting (and believing) that change can be permanent, in favor of kindness, patience, love, and godliness.  This blog is about beating family contention, and patterns of abuse, unkindness, impatience, neglect, and other mistreatments of children that are so often passed from generation to generation.  This is me telling the world: I need to change too, and I know it's hard, and I know it seems impossible, because I feel all of those things!  I have hope, because I have been there before, and I know I can be there again, with time, patience, and consistent daily effort.  I will let you know about the tools that help the most, and the ones that don't.  I will let you know how my family reacts, and most of all, all the inspirations that come to me during this process. 

I will end with a heartfelt plea.  If you are like me, PLEASE don't give up.  Please don't give in.  You have not failed if you have not lost hope.  If you feel anger, resentment, frustration, and pain, you are not alone.  If you feel hopeless, afraid, defeated, you are not alone.  If you feel defensive, self-righteous, even confused, you are not alone.  You are not alone.  All of us need help.  All of us need a change sometimes, and change begins with me.

Some Perspective Each Day Keeps the Darkness Away

Courage

There is a part of me that is wild. It wants to lash out at all meanness and fight with fury all injustices. This part of me is a flame that consumes, and when I fuel it, it burns me more than anyone else.

This was made clear to me several years ago when I was praying earnestly, sobbing on my knees because I'd seen the light in my children's eyes, that sparkle they were born with, go out. It broke my heart. What was worse, my own sparkle seemed to be gone. I had no joy left in my life, and the joy in my children that I knew I should be experiencing, was completely out of my reach.

I prayed: "I have seen other women who have children who are happy, confident, and their children are well cared for; they have clean homes, and they may not be perfect, but they have a light in their eyes and a cheerfulness that I don't have. Why not me?? Why can't I have that too?? Why not my children? Why can't they be like other children who laugh and are happy? Why are my children pale and sickly looking, timid and sad? Please.." I pleaded and begged, "I will make any change, I will do anything, I will leave my husband if that's what it takes. I will give my children up for adoption if that's what it takes. I will do whatever you tell me to do to be happy and to secure the happiness of my children. What should I do???" I opened my heart completely to feel the answer. Slowly, and softly, a warm wash of love came rushing over me, starting with the top of my head and running down, like a glass of warm water that penetrated deep into my soul and body. This was not the first time I had felt God's love, but each time it is magnificent.

I fell into a sort of trance, half asleep, half awake, and in my mind, I saw myself and my interactions with my children and Kevin. I saw all of the hurt I'd caused them, and felt the exact pain they felt each time I lost my temper, spoke sharply, criticized without love, or pulled away emotionally from them. I realized how immature I'd been, and how I, not my husband, had caused the light in their eyes to go out, and I, and no one else, was responsible for my own loss of happiness. I was flooded with guilt and self loathing. I thought my heart would come flying out of my face, I cried so hard. As I begged for forgiveness and asked for help to be a better person, all the pain and guilt was replaced, in one full-bodied spiritual hug, with overwhelming love and resolve. My tears changed instantly from pain to joy. Only the keenest, most infinite anguish can result in true, life-altering change. This is what I experienced, and it was magnificent.

I spent the next few years undergoing gradual change, and finally, as a massive surge toward the direction I was seeking to go, I found Celebrate Calm, which has given me extra guidence, more resolve, and opened my eyes even more to truth that was right in front of me the entire time! My own religion was teaching me all along what I should do, but I wasn't listening! I wasn't turning my thoughts inward and applying what I heard to my own actions in the home. I had to learn to trust God enough to do what he said, ALWAYS.

Once I began to do it, the peace in my heart became palpable. With Christ's help I finally found the way to change the nature of the flame that was consuming me, and turn it into a beam of light-of hope and love.

How does a person change? I begged forgiveness, asked for help, was accountable to my family for my actions. Believing that Christ is real, and that HE has the power to change my heart and make even me, a sinner and a destroyer of the spark of hope and joy, a better person, I strive toward strength, maturity, humility, and calm. Basically, I am now ready to grow up!

As C.S. Lewis once said, "Of all the miracles Christ performed...and still performs today, none has been so miraculous to me as the one he performed in my own heart."

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"Some people mistakenly think that responses such as silence, meekness, forgiveness, and bearing humble testimony are passive or weak. But to "love [our] enemies, bless them that curse [us], do good to them that hate [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us], and persecute [us]" (Matthew 5:44) takes faith, strength, and, most of all,...courage."

"When we do not retaliate-when we turn the other cheek and resist feelings of anger-we too stand with the Savior. We show forth His love, which is the only power that can subdue the adversary and answer our accusers without accusing them in return. That is not weakness. That is...courage."

"To be meek, as defined in the Webster's dictionary is "manifesting patience and longsuffering: enduring injury without resentment." Meekness is not weakness. It is a badge of...courage."

"This is not to suggest that we compromise our principles or dilute our beliefs...We should never confuse boldness with Satan's counterfeit: overbearance...As true disciples, our primary concern must be others' welfare, not personal vindication."

To be truly happy, we must be without guile. "To be guileless is to have a childlike innocence, to be slow to take offense and quick to forgive. These qualities are first learned in the home and family and can be practiced in all our relationships. To be guileless is to look for our own fault first. When accused, we should ask as the Savior's Apostles did, "Lord, is it I?" (Matthew 26:22)

"To help [those who hurt or challenge us,] to be an example for them, is not for the weak. It is for the strong. It is for you and me."

-Robert D. Hales

An Answer to Prayer

Do you struggle with hyper, emotional, impossible to control children? You are not alone.

My confession : I have struggled with my daughter for the past year. She has always been intense and head-strong, and as she's grown we have reacted to it by spanking harder or more often, yelling, telling her she was annoying, pushing her around, and other things I now know are immature and hurtful. I knew something had to change when she began to threaten her own safety, and others around her. I've never told anyone this, but one day I saw her watch the baby fall off the couch, and she actually smiled! It shocked me! Did I have an evil child? No. I had an angry and hurt child, who was very strong to the core and refused to be broken.

My sister told me "It sounds like you need Celebrate Calm."   Immediately I was irritated.  Just one more parenting program that I knew wouldn't work.

The thing I was struck with immediately as I began to read Celebrate Calm newsletters, was, "It's like this guy is peeking through our windows!  He's describing my family exactly!"  I have begun to experiment a little, and am finding immediate, positive results.

I am still a work in progress, and I have not been completely successfull in changing the way I parent yet, but it's baby steps, and I definitely am taking those!

Here is a sample of a newsletter from Celebrate Calm:
[Shortened, and changes in colors and appearances have been done by me. My comments are in these blue brackets.]
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Why You Should Want A Strong-Willed Child
Confession: When my son was young, he was a really "difficult" child in every sense. I struggled with this and tried to drive this oppositional nature out of him. Instead, I drove it deeper within him and began down a path of destroying my relationship with my son.

It wasn't until I heard a still, small voice whispering three questions to me that I began to see Casey in a different way: What if there isn't necessarily anything wrong with your son? What if he is made this way on purpose, and you are frustrating those purposes? What if instead of changing Casey, you are the one who needs to change? Ouch.

The response to those three questions forever changed my life and my relationship with my son. And it is the reason Celebrate!Calm exists today. I cannot tell you how many parents lament, "Why couldn't I have been given an easier/complaint child?" I understand the internal struggle when you realize parenting is more difficult than you expected. But I must ask you the same tough question: are you ready to grow up and be mature rather than just wishing your child would be different?

A Warning

I believe in firm, matter-of-fact rules, expectations and consequences. I am principled and cannot be moved emotionally by my teenage son. I am the king of my home, but I do not walk around acting like an immature, insecure dictator who cannot stand when my son disagrees with me. I let my yes be yes and my no be no.

But that is far different from the negative, stern, harsh tone we often adopt with these children out of frustration. Many parents think their job is to "drive the disobedience" out of their strong-willed children. Alas, many of us unwittingly engender this disobedience and set our kids up for failure. We are so unyielding and demanding in our approach, that we create battles and "yes-no" standoffs repeatedly throughout the day. Are you creating battles where none need exist?

[This felt like a slap in the face, and a kick in the pants; both of which I needed!]

If you take this approach, you will drive this oppositional nature deeper into your child. You will sever your relationship with your own child. You will send the message that there is something wrong with your child, that you don't like him or her, that he'll never meet your expectations. You'll withhold the affirmation and unconditional acceptance your child desperately needs. And guess what happens? Kids like this find themselves seeking affirmation and acceptance from other disaffected peer groups. They will seek acceptance somewhere--better from you than a teenage boy, or group of social outcasts. Many of you grew up in homes like this, dealing with rejection from your parents, and now you find yourself repeating the cycle. You must, must, must change this.

[So on the positive end, what DO we do? Kirk gives 4 steps that are simplistic in principle, but far from simple to achieve. He expounds a great deal on each of these, but I will just give a summary.]

1. Check your own heart and deal with your own anxiety.
[This morning I was concerned that my daughter needed to go to the bathroom and was holding it in. I could feel my blood pressure rising, and I realized that each time I told her to go, my heart raced more. I came close to yelling at her to GO POTTY! Instead, I paused and looked inward. Why did this bother me? I said to myself; it's not healthy for her to hold it. Besides, she needs to learn to just go so she doesn't have accidents the way I did as a child. Then I realized my anxiety stemmed from my own childhood, and I needed to take a step back and let her have ownership over her own bladder, and childhood. I did not allow her to ignore or disobey me, but I calmed myself down, and refused to be moved to anger or frustration. Just another way I used Kirk's advice in my daily life.]
2. Calm yourself: Don't take it personally.
3. Give your child some ownership. (So for kids who are naturally more independent, I want to show the big picture and create the parameters, but give them some options.) [For instance, I wanted my daughter to pick up her litter and throw it in the trash this morning. She ignored me when I said, "Pick that up and put it in the trash." But when I said, "Kaylee, we want this floor to be clean, right? Let's pick up our trash so the floor can be clean." She perked up, and picked it up. But she didn't throw it away immediately. It was too easy a task. She asked to take the trash to the can across the room and behind a shopping cart instead of the one a few feet away. At first I tried to convince her that the closer one was better, but then I stopped myself. I realized that she just needed more of a challenge, and I allowed it, then praised her afterwards. Everyone won.]
4. Cultivate gifts, talents, and passions.

[To see more, go to www.celebratecalm.com, or reply to this post requesting more info. I can send you the specific newsletter I got this from.]

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My friends and family have heard me tell about how I love this website and this program. I have not invested yet in the CDs Kirk sells, though I want to desperately. I've seen and felt progress just by getting the free newsletters. I have learned so much, but more importantly, I've had the shift in perspective that is the foundation for change.



If you read these descriptions, and feel it applies to you, don't be afraid to check it out. The newsletter I signed up for comes as he writes them, which is sporadic, and he doesn't share email addresses. I love to talk about the things I'm learning with anyone and everyone, because I think every child and every family ought to have this gift.



I thought I was doing well to "have high expectations" of my daughter. But all I was really doing was disaproving of my daughter, day after day, until frustration and disappointment became a part of who she was, and how she saw herself. Now we have a better idea of the direction we should be taking, and we have more tools to draw from. I can't wait to learn even more and keep practicing!