Rededicating Our Home

HENRY B. EYRING
First Counselor in the First Presidency
April 2010

"The best counsel for us to give young people is that they can arrive back to Heavenly Father only as they are guided and corrected by the Spirit of God. So if we are wise, we will encourage, praise, and exemplify everything which invites the companionship of the Holy Ghost. When they share with us what they are doing and feeling, we must ourselves have qualified for the Spirit. Then they will feel in our praise and our smiles the approval of God. And should we feel the need to give corrective counsel, they will feel our love and the love of God in it, not rebuke and rejection, which can permit Satan to lead them further away."

"The example they most need from us is to do what they must do. We need to pray for the gifts of the Spirit. We need to ponder in the scriptures and in the words of living prophets. We need to make plans which are not only wishes but covenants. And then we need to keep our promises to the Lord. And we need to lift others by sharing with them the blessings of the Atonement which have come in our lives."

Thomas S. Monson
October 2000


"As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield its contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book in the library of learning of our homes."

When my child emulates me, do I like what I see? Am I annoyed and embarrassed at what I see? My daughter Kaylee is the most determined of my children to become like me, and is the most defiant when it comes to obeying verbal commands. She insists that she be allowed to follow my example, not my words. Of course there are times when this causes problems, such as when she tries disciplining her brothers, using sharp knives, or using the stove. A 6-yr-old is simply not equipped to do these things. Yet she feels entitled to learn from my example. Do I use the knife carefully? Do I use the stove responsibly? Do I discipline with love?

There are many tragic times I wish I could take back my actions and words as soon as I see them repeated. So much we do is hurtful and harsh. Harshness is never ever necessary, but it is always hurtful. Let me repeat that, because it is something I've learned later in life, and it goes against what many believe, but is crucial to understand when searching for a more "peaceful way" to parent. It is NEVER ever necessary to be harsh or hurtful to anyone, least of all, children.

The strictest discipline can be done with a spirit of love and compassion, with patience and good will. We can see the children as our equals, and teach them as one equal teaching another. It is not necessary to break them. It is not helpful to waste their early childhood puffing ourselves up to be infallible, angry gods who constantly disapprove of them.

Children have tender feelings. You can't scorn a child, any child, and it not be felt deeply. They may keep a straight face, shrug it off, even smile; but your facial expression and your words will sink far down into their psyche, and they will not be able to forget your opinion of them. It will become a part of their self-talk, and it will take years of struggling for them to overcome your hurt. It only takes once. Remember? How many times have you done this to a child? How many times a day?

What can you do if, like me, you find yourself guilty of the above and want to change? We, all of us can pray fervently for help, forgiveness, and for the children we have hurt. We can struggle and cry, and ask God for the ability to feel their pain, so that we can be in no doubt of every bit of the consequences of our actions. We can beg and plead with our Heavenly Father to open our eyes, and open our hearts, and through Christ, cleanse us of the desire to hurt. We can beg that Christ will intervene, so the child will not suffer long for our sin, and we can ask for their forgiveness, and the forgiveness of our God.

We can breathe, count to ten, say a prayer, cry, or do jumping jacks to keep from losing our temper. We can strive to be example-worthy in all our actions. We can maintain hope and confidence that our children will be able to grow into their best selves, even when they make mistakes. We can look at them as the best they can become, and see in them all the goodness of God. We can correct instead of criticizing. We can feed our Spirit, and qualify and pray for the gift of Charity.

Imagine if you will, a world of Christian love. If all people in the world had Charity for one another, there would be no suffering, no war, no unfed hunger, no untreated disease. There would be no hurtful crimes of any kind, no affairs, no unwanted children, no uncared for elderly, handicapped, or mentally ill. No one would be alone. No one would yell or hit another person in anger. This is a world worth striving for. This is MY dream, and it begins with me. It begins with you. It begins with little children.

"Happiness in family lifeis most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." ~ The Family: A Proclamation to the World ~

Is This Your Ideal Life?

In the book "It's All Too Much" by Peter Walsh, he asks you the reader to look around your home; ask yourself, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal life look like?"; then after the vision is crystal clear in your mind, clear away everything that doesn't fit into that ideal. 

I would like to take that advice, and then take it one step further.  For some, a TV in the bedroom is cluttering their ideal love life.  For others, a lack of self control is preventing their ideal relationships.  For still others, a lack of understanding or closeness to Spirit is hampering their ability to feel compassion and love for others.  Each of us is unique, and our lives are all as imperfect and different as we are.  But for all of us, a lack of attention and consistent work will result in chaos.

Acknowledging Weaknesses, Compensating For Them

I was looking around my house the other day, and I snapped.  Have you ever done that?  I was just walking around, tidying, and as I told my kids for the umpteenth time to pick up their toys.  My daughter, the high-spirited one, tells me it's not her job, and I should just do it for her, and as I began to argue with her, I realized something very important.  This is not the life I want.  This is not how I want to spend my time.  Peter Walsh's words came back to me like a roaring wave, and I snapped. 
I went through the house gathering as many toys as I could find, even things that were put away, and I put them in the car.  I got rid of many, many things my children claimed to love, yet showed no respect for, and I informed them they were all going to charity.  I then went through my own things, starting with my shoes, and started throwing out and donating things I don't use and don't need.  It felt so good!  But something else was nagging at me that I couldn't quite pin down. 

I got rid of about 90% of their toys, loved or not.  You may think I'm nuts and say to yourself, "those poor kids!"  That thought did run through my mind briefly, but I pushed it away.  Christmas is next week.  At least 30 more toys are about to enter our house, so these kids will be fine.  

I know a great organizer.  She fits a large amount of stuff into her dust-free home which has few closets, and large empty spaces.  She is neat and tidy, with a place for everything, and everything in its place.  She is also not me.  I have no organization skills apart from  occasional bursts of energy.  I do not do well with daily maintenence.  So to make up for that, I need less stuff.  My goal here is not to tell you that you should get rid of all your kids' toys.  I am attempting to make an analogy.

I filled up the entire car, and sent it away with my husband this morning.  "Good riddance!" I thought to myself.  Away went all the source of the contention and stress in my home, right? 

Wrong

Today I thought would be a finishing day, of finally turning the house into "My ideal life."  I was sure that the kids would be grateful not to be scolded for leaving their toys about.  I was sure that this would be a good day.

Wrong

I dragged, humphed, and got highly irritated with my kids who fought nearly all day.  My daughter even taught the 2-yr-old some new moves, such as how to scream, "I hate you!" and kicking me during a tantrum.  It was when my daughter kicked me and ran to her room that I had to stop and ask myself once again, but this time with more thought, "Is this my ideal life?  What does my ideal family look like?"  I didn't have to imagine it, I just had to think back and remember.  What was different back then?  What was encroaching on that vision?  What needed to be cleared away? 

THE SOURCE

It was then that I realized that the toys, while they were cluttering up my home, my time, and my verbal commands, were not the SOURCE of the contention that has lately been sneaking into my home.  I am thankful that they were not there to be blamed.  This was not my children, or my husband, or simply life's hardships.  This was my doing.  I had lost my drive, my spirit, my intuition, my patience, and worst of all, my charity.  I had changed, and so my family followed suit.  It is time to apologize, and start again.

Reading My Own Blog

For the next little while, this blog will be centered around my attempts to change, to overcome negative reactions in mind, words, and body, and become positively pro-active, again.  To help with that, I am going to be reading my own blog, along with the scriptures, church literature, uplifting and helpful books, and striving to live only the good, while clearing away the bad.  This is where I will discover if my blog is actually helpful in helping someone change.  If it is not, changes will be made.  With God's help, I know I can do this.  I know without a doubt that change is truly possible, with a confession, a desire to change, true sorrow, and a broken heart before God.  I also know it will require Faith that my God is there, Hope that He will help me and that His help will be sufficient; and Charity, a gift of love that I must beg and pray and plead for, while allowing my heart to be open to it.

This blog isn't about me prostrating my life in front of everyone, setting up some sort of false ideal to be admired.  This blog is about real change, and wanting (and believing) that change can be permanent, in favor of kindness, patience, love, and godliness.  This blog is about beating family contention, and patterns of abuse, unkindness, impatience, neglect, and other mistreatments of children that are so often passed from generation to generation.  This is me telling the world: I need to change too, and I know it's hard, and I know it seems impossible, because I feel all of those things!  I have hope, because I have been there before, and I know I can be there again, with time, patience, and consistent daily effort.  I will let you know about the tools that help the most, and the ones that don't.  I will let you know how my family reacts, and most of all, all the inspirations that come to me during this process. 

I will end with a heartfelt plea.  If you are like me, PLEASE don't give up.  Please don't give in.  You have not failed if you have not lost hope.  If you feel anger, resentment, frustration, and pain, you are not alone.  If you feel hopeless, afraid, defeated, you are not alone.  If you feel defensive, self-righteous, even confused, you are not alone.  You are not alone.  All of us need help.  All of us need a change sometimes, and change begins with me.

"I Need A Hug"

Dr. Jane Nelsen of positivedescipline.com writes in this article (click on the title for the link) about a soft approach to an out of control child. This particular approach may not work every time, or even more than once. But you and your child will never forget it.

A child is in the middle of a screaming tantrum. Father gets down and shouts, "I need a hug!" Child: "What?!?" Father: "I need a hug!" Child:"Now?!?" Father "Yes!" Child shrugs, "Okay" and hugs his father. The tension melts away, and father says, "Thanks, I needed that." Child says, "So did I." They can then deal with whatever started the tantrum after that, or not. Perhaps that is all that was needed.

The father above has taught his son several things in this moment. Here are just some that I thought of that his son learned:

1. His father loves him no matter what.

2. He, the son, can contribute to helping others, and that helping others also helps himself.

3. When people are upset, try pulling them closer instead of pushing them away. He now knows how that feels.

4. True love heals the hurt caused by anger.

The father above also learned several things in that moment:

1. He learned that he loves his son no matter what.

2. His son has a good heart, even when he's angry. He respects him for it.

3. Pull others close when they are angry, instead of pushing them away.

4. Holding his little boy close and feeling true love heals the hurt caused by anger.

Reading the above article I thought of the first time something like this happened with my daughter. I like remembering these things, because it's the only way I can make sure I don't ever forget!

My daughter was screaming, thrashing, shouting obscenities, and I was at a loss. The overwhelming feeling came over me; 'She is doing this because she doesn't feel loved.' I got down on the floor and shouted over her screams, "Do you think I don't love you?!" She quieted down and stared at me. I said more softly, "Are you really angry because you don't think I love you very much?" She started to cry real tears, pain and deep-felt hurt pouring out of her. I hugged her tightly, and through my own tears I cried to her, "I love you more than anything! You are my baby girl, and you always will be. You changed my life. You are my angel!" We sat on the floor and cried, and I felt her pain. I felt my own pain. I promised myself that things would be different from then on.

I don't know if my daughter remembers that day, but I know I will never forget. It was one of the first turning points for us--when I started realizing that love conquers all, not pain and shame. I pray I will never forget. I pray that I will remember how I felt before and after that moment. I pray that I will remember her face, and the pain that came pouring out of her, so much hurt, all caused by my negative discipline. Maybe I didn't beat my kids (except for spanking,) I didn't hit them with anything, no bruises (besides on their backsides,) but I controlled them (or tried to control them) using fear, intimidation, shame, and apathy. I didn't look ahead, I just tried to get through the moment, hoping that somehow, some way, things would get better. All my discipline was centered on immediate control, not long-term goals. It hurt. It hurt them- it hurt me- it hurt my spouse. It was wrong. It felt wrong. I just didn't know what else to do. Now I do know what else to do. I have given myself permission to use Christ's teachings in my home to teach discipline to my children, and myself. Self-discipline is contagious. The children learn it by watching. They also learn the opposite by watching. Am I ready to be the grown-up and make a choice? Am I ready to learn, for the sake of my family, how to be a true Christian?

The root of the word "discipline" is "disciple". I ought to BE Christ. I am the body of Christ, as are all his disciples, so how would Christ treat my children? If he were in my place, would he spank them? Would he shame them? Would he try to break their will? I can only know the answers as I learn more about Him. Simply remembering Him and how He feels, helps me see things differently. I want to be patient, I want to be kind, I want to show mercy and love. This is the reason for this blog--to make sure I keep remembering.

Celebrate Calm Stop Defiance Live Event in Fairfax County, VA

My kids ate WAY too much sugar a few weeks ago.  They ran around crazy, screaming, not listening to anything I said, and I started to lose it.  I know better, and I know how to do this correctly, but that night, the truth is, I too had eaten WAY too much sugar myself, and I did not feel completely in control of myself.  So my husband comes home to find me yelling at the kids to "CALM DOWN!  YOU ARE OUT OF CONTROL!!!"  (The irony of which they of course picked up on.)

He did not say anything to me right then, he just went in the room, and let me go back and forth from the bedroom where I yelled at him about the kids, to the rest of the house, where I yelled at the kids.  He looked at me with pain in his face, but said nothing.  I raged even more, because I thought he was no help at all!  Had I been thinking clearly, I would have realized that he wanted nothing to do with my anxiety, and neither did my kids.

Finally I realized that my anger was escalating, and I locked the kids in their room to bounce off the walls in there, while I washed the dishes.  (Locking them in their room is not a principle of attachment parenting, but neither is yelling.  I just needed a few minutes of peace to get control of myself.)  So as I did the dishes, my husband comes up behind me, and gently, with a warm smile, starts stroking my back.  He says with a smile, "Are we going to become a screaming family now?" We laugh a little.  I feel the muscles in my back begin to unwind.  Without saying anything else, offers me unspoken words of love in his gentle touch, and I can't hold back a return smile.

His calm was contagious.  I immediately felt humility returning to my soul, and remorse begin to set in.  He made me feel like the luckiest wife on Earth in that moment.

I think that's how God reprimands us.  He lets us feel the difference between what we're choosing, and what He is choosing, and gives us the space to come into His calm if we choose-- to choose love instead of rage-- to chose self-control instead of controlling others.  His way is the way of closeness, the way of kindness, the way of self-mastery, and most of all, choice.  I chose a different evening, and apologized to my children.  I chose love.

I choose love.

A Family Pulling Together

Sunday, a day we usually get up, rush around, leave separately for church, arrive late, and do our best to partake in the Spirit there, which eventually fulfills us and gives us a good boost to get through the coming week.  But today was different.

This morning I got up at 6am.  I prayed, and fell into daydreaming during my prayer.  10 minutes later, started over.   I was giving a lesson to the Relief Society women today, something I'd yet to do on a Sunday.  After I showered and dressed, Kevin came in, and we got to talk a little before the kids woke up.  He was also giving a lesson today for the young men, something he'd never done as well.  We both got ready, and then he spent 20 minutes giving his lesson to me, and listening to any suggestions or input I might have.  Then I quickly got the kids dressed, he made breakfast, and we all piled in the car.  In the car, Kevin called together a family prayer, and I said the prayer before we drove away.  We got to church 5 minutes early.  Kevin got to use his priesthood to bless the sacrament during the meeting, and I was able to bear my testimony, as it was fast and testimony Sunday.  I told of how thankful I was for a husband who loved kids and me so much, and was worthy to lead our home in righteousness.

Both of our lessons went okay.  Nothing to brag about or that will be remembered for years to come, but we were happy that we fulfilled our responsibilities anyway.  We were blessed.

The kids were well behaved all day.  We cooked all our food at home.  We were happy and patient with one another.  We had no fights, no complaints, no whining, and no tension.  We cleaned together a little, did a little laundry, watched some good shows, laughed a little, and hugged a lot.

Kevin said our family prayer tonight.  Even though the kids were climbing on his back at the time, I felt the spirit of his prayer, and felt the Lord's love in our home.  He, The Lord, was helping us, and pleased with us today.

Living and loving the Gospel as a family just feels so good.  I keep saying, "today" because of course, not every day is so peaceful here.  But we "celebrate progress, not perfection."  I give thanks to the Lord today for the Gospel that gives me a greater love for my husband and children, and Jesus Christ, who helps us improve every day.

"The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children might be happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood."
President Boyd K. Packer, May 2010 Ensign, "The Power of the Priesthood" p.7

Clean Home, Clean Hearts

I am sitting in a clean house.  I am aware that the tub is clean, the toilets are clean, the counters and kitchen table are all cleared and clean.  I have been reading scriptures and preparing for a Relief Society lesson since 5am, and now an hour and a half later, my cup runneth over.  I have so much to be thankful for, and the Lord is helping us in so many ways, to be happier, to have more energy, to be cleaner, and to love each other more deeply.  I wouldn't trade my family for any family in the world right now.

Last night, Kevin had a lot of office work to do, and I dutifully left him alone.  As I was sweeping for the umpteenth time that day, I heard, "RAAAAAARRR"  from my husband, and "IIIEEEEE" from Peter.  Then uproarious laughter from both parties.  They excitedly talked, and connected for just a moment, before Kevin got back to work.  It was something small, but I know meant so much to Peter.

Kaylee or Peter, (I can't remember which--give me a break, I'm a mom) said to me the other day, "I love my daddy.  He's a really good daddy.  I want you to always love my daddy, okay?"

The greatest gift I can give my children is to love their father with all my heart.  Because of Jesus Christ--because of the Gospel which helps us grow and qualify for the happiest of blessings--the scriptures which offer personal growth and understanding--because it is not on my husband that I lean, but my Lord, as I walk uprightly beside my husband, and he does the same---I do love my children's father with all my heart, and today, hold nothing back.  This is the greatest joy any mortal can experience.


Alma 27:17-18

17 Now the ^ajoy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the ^bexhausting of his strength; and he fell ^cagain to the earth.

  18 Now was not this ^aexceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of ^bhappiness.

Messy

Yesterday my husband told me, "I think you're a really good mother to our kids.  I think they are angels, and I couldn't ask them to be better behaved.  I really appreciate all you do to try to stay calm, and teach them how to be calm."

I have a confession.  I messed up the other day.  I had had a really long day.  You other moms know how it is.  There we were, driving down the interstate, and Ken was screaming, because Peter had his hands on Ken's seat, and in spite of my repeated instructions, refused to let go.  I pulled over, intending to work it out, and as I repeated for the thousand and thirty first time, "Peter, put your haNDS In YOUR LAP NOWWW!!"  I felt myself lose all composure, anger just shot out the top of my head as Peter, who was gripping Kendon's seat even harder, stared petrified.  "NOW!  NOW! NOWWWWW!!!!!"  I grabbed Peter's white-knuckle hands and forced them into his lap.


Kendon started imitating me immediately with his own screams.  Kaylee said, "Mommy screamed like a little kid."  Peter wailed.  I obviously lost some respect from all my kids in my moment of weakness.


So how does a family come back from that?  I will tell you what I would have done in the past.  I would have beaten myself up inside, and lost all hope of our family improving.  I would have internally projected years down the road, imagining that I would never be able to overcome this yelling habit.  I would be defensive outwardly, while inwardly churning in knots.  I would have sought out validation by telling the story to others, often in front of the kids, making my kids out to be the bad guys.  (You know you've done it.)  

Instead, this is how it went.  I was mad.  Really mad.  I told the kids 
    "I'm sorry.  I just snapped and lost my power.  I'm sorry Peter.  It's my job to set a good example for you, not show you how to throw a tantrum."  


Still, I was mad, and it took a little while to calm down.  What was it inside that had been building up to that outburst?  I had been wasting energy worrying about things I couldn't control.  I was not taking care of my own emotional needs, so that I was needy.  I NEEDED my kids to behave so I could be at peace.  I NEEDED my kids to be happy so I could be happy.  I NEEDED them to behave a certain way, because I was not okay inside.  So that's where my work began. 


I set about trying to humble myself.  I apologized to my Heavenly Father.  I told Him that I needed help, and couldn't do this without Him.  I apologized for forgetting to read scriptures that morning, because things like this don't usually happen when I do.  I asked the Lord to help me feel anguish for my sin, and help me to repent.


I took some deep Yoga breaths, I counted to 10, prayed, cried, and sang my heart out to country music.  Meanwhile, my kids were talking in the back, trying to figure out how to be the adults, since Mom apparently couldn't handle that responsibility at the moment.  My daughter was becoming very bossy, attempting to take over my role, understandably.  I could have lost heart.  I could have given up and said, "Calm is for perfect families, and we're just not that kind of family."  But I didn't think that for even a moment. 

Honesty is always the best policy, and is easy with kids after a little practice.  I told them I was embarrassed that I lost my temper, and I wanted to be a better example for them.  I told them I loved them and I was trying to stop feeling angry, and asked for their patience while I tried to calm myself down.  The more honest and heartfelt I was, the more I could see myself rise in their estimation.  I felt a warm glow begin to surround me.  I felt peace begin to return.


The rest of the day I was confident, and had complete faith in my Savior, that He was helping us.  There were no more incidents that day.  Each time I was tempted after that, I leaned on the Lord, and He helped me pass each test.  

The next morning was Sunday morning.  Peter didn't want to go to church.  
    "It's too long."  He said.  
This is when it took all my tools to honestly control my anxiety.  I intentionally didn't project or predict future inactivity.  Instead I smiled.  I sat down next to him, and put my feet up.  I said, 
    "You know, sometimes I feel that way too.  Did you know that?  Sometimes I don't feel like going to church.  Do you want to know why I go?"  
    No reply. 
   "Can you think about it for a minute?  Why do you think I would go to church, even when I don't feel like it?"  Peter answered,
    "You go to church to feel Jesus in your heart.  But I don't want to go to church.  It's too long."  
I stopped and thought for a minute.  What was he really feeling inside?  
    "Remember how you felt yesterday when I screamed at you?"  He looked down at the ground.
    "How did you feel inside when I did that?"  He said nothing, but I could see the shadow of the memory pass over his face as he stared more intently at the floor.  My heart swelled, and I trusted in my Savior.
    "Did you feel angry, hurt, and sad?"  He nodded.
    "I felt that way too, Peter.  Did you know, that when we go to church, we can feel the Holy Ghost, and through the Holy Ghost, Jesus can reach all the way down inside of you, and take all that hurt, all that anger, all those sad feelings and pull them out--and put in happiness, love, and peace instead?  Do you want Him to do that for you today?"  Peter nodded.
    "Heavenly Father loves us so much.  Do you think he would ever get mad and yell at you like Mommy did yesterday?"  Peter thought about it, and said, 
   "No, Heavenly Father doesn't get angry and yell."
   "I really need Him today to teach me again not to yell.  I need Him to help me remember how to be a happy mom. Would you like Jesus to teach me that today?"


I looked up to see Kevin smiling down at us from the door.  I smiled back at him, feeling only love and warmth.  Peter hugged me and said, 
    "I love you, Mommy."  
    "I love you too, Peter."
    "Mommy, we better get my church clothes on!  Can I wear my tie today?"
Ideally, the above conversation would have been long before time to leave, and we would have had plenty of time to get to church early.  But it happened to be just as we should have been walking out the door.  We got to church 30 minutes late, but when we got there, we were humble, ready to learn, and relaxed, as opposed to hurried, anxious, and irritated.  


After church, Peter asked me, 
    "Mommy, are you a better mommy now?  Did Jesus take the bad feelings out?"  I answered, 
    "Yes!  He sure did.  I feel so much love in my heart, I can't even remember the angry feelings!"  And it was true.
    "How about you?  Did Jesus take the bad feelings out for you too?"  
    "MmHmm.  I'm happy Mommy.  I love you so much.  You're a very good Mommy."
    "Thank you Peter, that made my whole day even better!  I love you with all my heart, and I'm so sorry I was a mean to you yesterday."  It reads like an after-school special, but it is true.


Sometimes it's the messy moments, when we think that someone else should probably be doing this job; when we doubt whether or not we really have it in us, and everyone is staring at our weakness; those are the true catalysts for change.  It is the screw-ups and the failures that make us stop and make course corrections.  It's the messy moments that sometimes can be the most important moments of our lives.

Real Change Is Possible!

One of my favorite Celebrate Calm newsletters is: "2 phrases that destroy our kids/students"  This little bit of understanding is what really stopped me in my tracks, and turned me around to the right direction


   1st Destroying Phrase:

"1. Shaking our heads in disgust, constant negativity, "You'll never...". To my shame, this is how I communicated with Casey for the first 10 years of his life. I thought it would somehow magically motivate him to change his behavior."


This goes for marriages as well!!  It includes sarcasm, rolling eyes, sighs of exasperation, and little phrases like, "yeah, just like you always do," and "I should've known," or "what NOW?"  These are things I used to think of as just personality traits; things that make us who we are.  But now I realize they are really bad habits that hurt and destroy others, especially tender little ones.  Who we are is not as important as who we want to be, and who we want to be is not as important as who God wants us to be.  So the first step in improving our relationships is to eliminate the attitude.  


Are you trying to improve your family?  We have been there!  I'm going to weave in here two steps that are great first steps that worked for us, and many others.  All of the advice is not my own, but comes from knowledge gained from Celebrate Calm's Kirk and Casey Martin.

STEP 1 toward improving family relationships (We did this :  Apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses for the destroying attitudes and phrases you have used; then discontinue using them.


OUCH!  Right?  It's time to be brave.  The first part of the step, "apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses" is really scary, and sometimes people try to skip it, or sneak in some excuses.  But it is crucial to apologize with no excuses, and no finger-pointing.  Without this act, you are not going to achieve the respect of your kids and spouse.  Without it, you are not admitting accountability, your family will not hold you to a higher standard, and will be more likely to slip back into your old habits.

You are thinking right now, "But I'm not the only one in my family doing this!"  I know.  That's okay.  Take accountability for your part.  Don't worry about their part.  They will learn from your example, and you may be surprised at the apologies that start coming your way, probably not at first, but eventually, as they see you begin to change, and they want that for themselves. 

Negative thoughts, words, and behavior effects us and others down to the very molecular structure. "A Soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. " Proverbs 15:1.


The second part of Step 1, "discontinue using [the destroying phrases]" is not a matter of enduring, really, but changing yourself at the core.  Kirk suggests one way to start ridding your family of these habits is to introduce a new one.  For example:  Say 5 positive things about someone every time you point out a negative.  Make it a family rule.  When putting this into practice, you discover that the negative starts to pale, and you see the person in a more positive light.  They are able to see that you have love and appreciation for them, and they in turn have more hope, and are more likely to improve their behavior.  Pretty soon, you start to overlook negative things, as the positive things are much more important to you.  This really works on the thought level as well.  If you're only thinking a negative thought, but haven't said it, try thinking about positives.  In the begining, many of my positives were, "he's a child of a loving God."  "Jesus Christ knows him personally, and knows his potential."  If there were nothing else I could think of, I could always fall back on God.  I did this with my kids and my spouse. 


The Second destroying phrase that Kirk speaks of leads to step 2 in improving our families:

Destroying Phrase:

"# 2 "If you would just apply yourself more..." "If she would put forth more effort..."
When I hear those words, I cringe and my heart sinks. I know it's frustrating because we see very bright kids struggle with academics, behavior, etc. But why is our first assumption that it's only a matter of "applying yourself?" If it were that easy, don't you think our kids would do that in order to avoid harsh consequences?"




STEP 2 to improving your family relationships:  Let go of negative assumptions.




Kirk: "Research shows disturbing health effects of stress and negativity: anxiety, lack of confidence, difficulty with social skills, lack of focus and attention in school, hypertension, aggression, damage to the part of the limbic brain responsible for learning and memory. This negativity and yelling damages our relationships with our kids, separating Moms and Dads from the kids they love. And none of us want that."



The greatest news in the world is that we have the power to change, and change the way others affect us, by choosing to think and feel proactively, not depending on others for our moods, and not letting their moods affect us.  We are beings designed to act.  Not to be acted upon.  We can choose to praise, have compassion, have gratitude and unconditional love for others.  We can choose to ask for these gifts from our Heavenly Father, and then do everything in our power to make that change.


The most important and the only longterm effective way to affect real change,  is to allow your heart to break before God.  Pray like your life depended on it, with all your heart and soul, with a willing heart and hands to do anything the Lord tells you to do.  Then HE will change your heart, and open your eyes.  The tools listed here are only surface steps that can help, and are only the outside appearance of true, honest, heartfelt repentance.  


Here are the baby steps outlined by Kirk Martin.  When you don't know what to do, or your child does something you disapprove of, ask yourself three questions:



                      "(1) What kind of tools can I provide the child to be successful? Please think tools. No child wants to fail; he usually needs tools. Does the student need more challenging work or is she overwhelmed? Does he need his brain stimulated in my class? Do I need to provide specific, concrete directions? There are dozens and dozens of very practical tools we can use to help our kids achieve consistently.
                       (2) How can I give this child some ownership or cultivate internal motivation by using the child's gifts and passions? We don't give kids control, but we do need to give them ownership. Otherwise, no amount of bribes or consequences will matter. How can you get your child/student involved using his talents?
                        (3) Is this about ME? How many times have we tried to make the issue about our kids' effort when their apparent failure is really about US? Are we embarrassed or frustrated by their actions? Are we anxious because we think they are going to fail in life? Have we set up impossible standards? Am I nervous because I am too responsible? Am I comparing this child unfairly to others? Am I projecting my own faults onto my child, afraid he's going to make the same mistakes as me?"


Kirk on looking at reality:

"Research also gives us hope: consistent discipline, modeling self-control and teaching kids to problem solve changes families. But science tells us that changing habits takes 30-45 days. Research proves that families who have ongoing help, who practice these new habits, achieve transformation every single time. Those who just say, "I'll try to do better" always fall into old habits...and nothing changes. Same reactivity, same yelling, same negativity."


Always remember that people can and do change!    It is within our power to do so.  In fact, it is in our very nature.  


Above is a link to a talk given by Norman Doidge about "Brain Plasticity."  He is a lead psycho analyst, who has achieved success in helping patients change thought patterns that would have been unimaginable years ago.  


It is our thoughts that are our greatest enemy and our greatest ally.  It is there that the change must begin, and that is the first benefit of prayer and meditation.  

The More We Know of Jesus

“The more we know of Jesus, the more we will love Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will trust Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will want to be like Him and to be with Him by becoming the manner of men and women that He wishes us to be,  while living now ‘after the manner of happiness’.”

Neal A. Maxwell, "Plow in Hope," Liahona, July 2001, 7

Dear Mother,

Sunday morning, I woke up early prayed, read scriptures, and got myself and the kids bathed, dressed, fed and in the car.  I made Kevin some toast and woke him up by giving him breakfast in bed.  I told him I loved him, and missed him.  He glowed and smiled in a way I hadn't seen in awhile.  I was feeling spiritual, and I stayed calm and spoke to the kids with the Holy Ghost as a conduit, so they listened.  Through every obstacle, like Kaylee refusing to wear shoes, we sailed through it, the Holy Spirit and I, and we kept my focus on the eternal perspective.  We got to church about 5 minutes early. 

Soft Answers

I didn't fret or let my light be diminished about whether or not Kevin would show up to church.  I only felt love for him, not even a smidge of resentment or judging him harshly.  Sacrament meeting was about---not judging others.  I did have to take the baby out several times.  We are not perfect, after all.  At one point the kids were fighting over the only toy we brought in.  I took it and them out to the car. I put it in the car, hugged them, and said we were at church to feel Jesus's love in our hearts, not fight over toys.  They seemed resigned.  

Kendon found that seeing other babies in the hallway was much more interesting than sacrament meeting, and kept pulling on me as I sat down again in Sacrament meeting, and saying, "Get UP!"  I held him close and rocked him, and whispered that I loved him.  Eventually he settled down and I was able to sit through the remainder of the meeting.

Rewards for staying Calm

Kendon went to nursery, climbed into a chair and sat with his arms folded.  It was amazing.  Usually he cries and hangs on me, or at least whimpers, and I have to sneak out while he's distracted.  Not today.  He looked straight at me, and smiled as he folded his arms reverently as I left.  In fact all the nursery kids were sitting in their seats instead of playing with toys.  They have some really good teachers, and I also believe the little ones can feel the Spirit.  

Instead of Reacting out of Anxiety, Using the Holy Ghost

The second hour of church, Kaylee was really struggling, and wouldn't go in to primary.  (It was a difficult morning for her.)  She looked really tired, or sad, like she was stuffing down some feelings.  I looked at her with spiritual eyes, and could see something was bothering her.  I sat down on the floor with her in the hallway, and asked in a calm voice what was going on. 

She finally muttered that she had a bad dream last night.  I asked if she wanted to talk about it.  She shook her head no.  Never before has she declined to tell me a dream.  She usually loves to go on and on and imbelish her dreams, even the bad ones.  I tried to get some details from her, and got out of her that she was hurt in her dream.  She lay her head on my lap and stared into the distance, looking very sober and sad.  I prayed silently.  I told her that no matter what, Mommy would always love her, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus love her and are watching her.  I told her she was just a little girl, and shouldn't need to worry about anything.  No matter what, me, or daddy, or another grown-up like Sister Sunny would make sure everything will be okay.  

She looked up and saw a picture of Samuel the Lamanite.  She asked about it.  I told her the story.  She asked over and over how Heavenly Father protected him from getting hurt.  I told her that Heavenly Father wouldn't let Samuel be killed because he still had work to do for Heavenly Father.  I told her that none of us can die until our work is finished.  After we've finished our jobs to do for Heavenly Father, He may let us die, and that's okay, because he will take us to be with him.  I said that as long as we stay close to Jesus Christ, He will take care of our spirits, and our hearts.  We won't be scared, or alone, because He will be with us, just like He was with Samuel.  We don't have to worry about if our body gets hurt as long as Jesus is taking care of our spirits.  We got up then, and went into my Sunday School class.  Kaylee told me after we got in that she felt better and was ready to go to primary.  She left her shoes with me, and went.  I let go of the need to keep up appearances, put her shoes in my purse, and went to Sunday School.

Refusing to be Embarrassed  

After church, I met with three women I'd asked to participate in a Relief Society activity.  We had a meeting about what I've asked them to do, and all of us felt the spirit.  All of them saw this a an opportunity to grow, and as we basked in the spirit, the kids ran in and were being rowdy.  I quietly shooed the kids out, without losing my temper, and told the women that I had read words of prophets saying that it is possible to feel the spirit even when little children are being loud and rowdy, but if an adult loses patience with the children, the spirit departs.  They all agreed, and we spoke of how precious children are.  I told them that the most spiritual event in my life by far happened with kids literally running and screaming all over the house.  I felt that truth fill my soul, and they felt it too.

My kids came back in and were being irreverent, and running, but the spirit still did not depart.  Eventually, the kids mellowed out a little, as we stayed calm.  One of the sisters spoke of how she never grounded or sent her kids to their room.  She said that she instead had them sit at the kitchen table until the bad feelings went away.  She said it helped both of them, because they were still around eachother, and when they are alone, they just stewed and the bad feelings get worse.  Her kids all turned out well, and are now parents and have told her that they never wanted to rebel because she treated them like they were angels and they couldn't bear to disappoint her.  I told her I wanted to try that, because I lock my kids in their room, and they hate it and I hate it.  Another said that her parents were the same way.  They treated her as though she were an angel, the light of their life, and she never wanted to disappoint them.  I felt like I needed to learn from them, and use their insight in my own parenting.  Kids have missions from Heavenly Father.  If I keep the spirit in our home, they can feel what missions they are to perform.  

Tough Love Can Still be Soft Love

The kids were wild because they were hungry.  We got home and I made some lunch.   We cheered when we saw Kevin, and ran and hugged him.  Kevin had a headache, and was not feeling well, but he felt loved, and was happy to see us, and came up and ate lunch at the table with us.  (Though the reason he didn't come to church was because I was not there to tell him where his good pants were, which tells you how behind I am on the laundry.  I don't take responsibility for his choice, but I do see I can be accountable for my part.)  

Kaylee complained that she wanted cereal instead of homemade burritos.  I didn't let her move me, and refused to give her cereal, but in a calm, cheerful way.  I told her later, with love in my heart, that the reason she doesn't get to chose her food all the time, is because she's still a little kid, and she doesn't always understand about food.  Grown-ups know more about food and our bodies, and what our bodies need to stay healthy.  I said I need to choose her food until she's a grown-up and will know enough about things to choose her own food.  I of course try to teach her about nutrition, but it's a work in progress.  She tried only one more time to sneak into the cereal, and I, still with love in my heart, allowed only Peter to eat the cereal, because he had eaten his burrito.  I cheerfully told her that when she ate some healthy food, she could have a little bit of the sugar food.  I explained that she must eat more healthy than sugar foods. (The burrito, was ground up kidney beans with black beans and cheese mixed in, wrapped in a tortilla.  It was pretty darn healthy.)  She had this look of happiness on her face, even as I took the cereal away.  They love it when I stay calm AND keep my promises.

Soft LOVE

Kevin had a migraine.  He was miserable, and asked me to sit with him.  I told the kids that daddy had a headache, and we needed to be quiet, and I sat with Kevin that afternoon, and read scriptures while he slept or moaned. I brought him water, a cold pack for his head.  The kids were very good and quiet, and left him alone.  At one point, I heard Kaylee tell Peter, "Daddy is very sick, Peter, you have to be quiet....He's probably dead."  I assured them that Daddy would be okay.  

The Root of 'Discipline' is 'Disciple'

The kids started arguing over some trains.  Kaylee has been feeling extra protective of Kendon lately, and thought she was defending him, and was mad at Peter, who was hogging the trains saying, "I want to play all by myself!"  I followed the prompting of the Spirit.  Kaylee kept telling me, "Mom, will you please just pack up the trains, Peter isn't sharing with Kendon."  But I said no, I wanted them to practice playing together.  After several attempts of letting them work it out on their own, I had to go intercede.  

I took Peter in my arms, and rocked him.  I spoke gently of Heavenly Father's love for him, and my love for him.  I told him about his brother and sister, and how much they love him.  I explained that when Kendon tries to take toys from him, it's not because he's trying to steal them, it's because he wants to play with him.  I said, "Peter, Kendon wants to be your best buddy.  Can you be his best buddy?"  We talked a little about how to play together, and Peter was still whiney and unreceptive.  But then Kaylee and Kendon came over, and started handing trains to him, and I praised them, and told Peter, "you see?  Kendon loves you way more than that train.  Kaylee loves you more than that train too!  Pretty soon, Peter was sharing back, and I praised him, and said, "see?  you love them much more than trains!  We all love to be a happy family, more than we love toys, don't we?"  All the kids agreed, and each of the kids ran and hugged me, and told me they loved me so much.  After that, they played well together, and eventually lost interest in the trains, and focused on eachother. 

At the End of the Day

I tidied up and put in some of Kevin's clothes to wash for the next morning.  I noticed at 11pm that he had no socks for the next day.  So I stayed up late washing laundry.  I set out his clothes for the morning, because he'd told me he had extra work to do in the morning, and I knew he would be pressed for time.  So at 2am, I had all his clothes, including socks, set out for him.  It felt like the perfect end of the perfect day.