In the book "It's All Too Much" by Peter Walsh, he asks you the reader to look around your home; ask yourself, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal life look like?"; then after the vision is crystal clear in your mind, clear away everything that doesn't fit into that ideal.
I would like to take that advice, and then take it one step further. For some, a TV in the bedroom is cluttering their ideal love life. For others, a lack of self control is preventing their ideal relationships. For still others, a lack of understanding or closeness to Spirit is hampering their ability to feel compassion and love for others. Each of us is unique, and our lives are all as imperfect and different as we are. But for all of us, a lack of attention and consistent work will result in chaos.
Acknowledging Weaknesses, Compensating For Them
I was looking around my house the other day, and I snapped. Have you ever done that? I was just walking around, tidying, and as I told my kids for the umpteenth time to pick up their toys. My daughter, the high-spirited one, tells me it's not her job, and I should just do it for her, and as I began to argue with her, I realized something very important. This is not the life I want. This is not how I want to spend my time. Peter Walsh's words came back to me like a roaring wave, and I snapped.
I went through the house gathering as many toys as I could find, even things that were put away, and I put them in the car. I got rid of many, many things my children claimed to love, yet showed no respect for, and I informed them they were all going to charity. I then went through my own things, starting with my shoes, and started throwing out and donating things I don't use and don't need. It felt so good! But something else was nagging at me that I couldn't quite pin down.
I got rid of about 90% of their toys, loved or not. You may think I'm nuts and say to yourself, "those poor kids!" That thought did run through my mind briefly, but I pushed it away. Christmas is next week. At least 30 more toys are about to enter our house, so these kids will be fine.
I know a great organizer. She fits a large amount of stuff into her dust-free home which has few closets, and large empty spaces. She is neat and tidy, with a place for everything, and everything in its place. She is also not me. I have no organization skills apart from occasional bursts of energy. I do not do well with daily maintenence. So to make up for that, I need less stuff. My goal here is not to tell you that you should get rid of all your kids' toys. I am attempting to make an analogy.
I filled up the entire car, and sent it away with my husband this morning. "Good riddance!" I thought to myself. Away went all the source of the contention and stress in my home, right?
Wrong
Today I thought would be a finishing day, of finally turning the house into "My ideal life." I was sure that the kids would be grateful not to be scolded for leaving their toys about. I was sure that this would be a good day.
Wrong
I dragged, humphed, and got highly irritated with my kids who fought nearly all day. My daughter even taught the 2-yr-old some new moves, such as how to scream, "I hate you!" and kicking me during a tantrum. It was when my daughter kicked me and ran to her room that I had to stop and ask myself once again, but this time with more thought, "Is this my ideal life? What does my ideal family look like?" I didn't have to imagine it, I just had to think back and remember. What was different back then? What was encroaching on that vision? What needed to be cleared away?
THE SOURCE
It was then that I realized that the toys, while they were cluttering up my home, my time, and my verbal commands, were not the SOURCE of the contention that has lately been sneaking into my home. I am thankful that they were not there to be blamed. This was not my children, or my husband, or simply life's hardships. This was my doing. I had lost my drive, my spirit, my intuition, my patience, and worst of all, my charity. I had changed, and so my family followed suit. It is time to apologize, and start again.
Reading My Own Blog
For the next little while, this blog will be centered around my attempts to change, to overcome negative reactions in mind, words, and body, and become positively pro-active, again. To help with that, I am going to be reading my own blog, along with the scriptures, church literature, uplifting and helpful books, and striving to live only the good, while clearing away the bad. This is where I will discover if my blog is actually helpful in helping someone change. If it is not, changes will be made. With God's help, I know I can do this. I know without a doubt that change is truly possible, with a confession, a desire to change, true sorrow, and a broken heart before God. I also know it will require Faith that my God is there, Hope that He will help me and that His help will be sufficient; and Charity, a gift of love that I must beg and pray and plead for, while allowing my heart to be open to it.
This blog isn't about me prostrating my life in front of everyone, setting up some sort of false ideal to be admired. This blog is about real change, and wanting (and believing) that change can be permanent, in favor of kindness, patience, love, and godliness. This blog is about beating family contention, and patterns of abuse, unkindness, impatience, neglect, and other mistreatments of children that are so often passed from generation to generation. This is me telling the world: I need to change too, and I know it's hard, and I know it seems impossible, because I feel all of those things! I have hope, because I have been there before, and I know I can be there again, with time, patience, and consistent daily effort. I will let you know about the tools that help the most, and the ones that don't. I will let you know how my family reacts, and most of all, all the inspirations that come to me during this process.
I will end with a heartfelt plea. If you are like me, PLEASE don't give up. Please don't give in. You have not failed if you have not lost hope. If you feel anger, resentment, frustration, and pain, you are not alone. If you feel hopeless, afraid, defeated, you are not alone. If you feel defensive, self-righteous, even confused, you are not alone. You are not alone. All of us need help. All of us need a change sometimes, and change begins with me.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Real Change Is Possible!
One of my favorite Celebrate Calm newsletters is: "2 phrases that destroy our kids/students" This little bit of understanding is what really stopped me in my tracks, and turned me around to the right direction
1st Destroying Phrase:
"1. Shaking our heads in disgust, constant negativity, "You'll never...". To my shame, this is how I communicated with Casey for the first 10 years of his life. I thought it would somehow magically motivate him to change his behavior."
This goes for marriages as well!! It includes sarcasm, rolling eyes, sighs of exasperation, and little phrases like, "yeah, just like you always do," and "I should've known," or "what NOW?" These are things I used to think of as just personality traits; things that make us who we are. But now I realize they are really bad habits that hurt and destroy others, especially tender little ones. Who we are is not as important as who we want to be, and who we want to be is not as important as who God wants us to be. So the first step in improving our relationships is to eliminate the attitude.
Are you trying to improve your family? We have been there! I'm going to weave in here two steps that are great first steps that worked for us, and many others. All of the advice is not my own, but comes from knowledge gained from Celebrate Calm's Kirk and Casey Martin.
STEP 1 toward improving family relationships (We did this : Apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses for the destroying attitudes and phrases you have used; then discontinue using them.
OUCH! Right? It's time to be brave. The first part of the step, "apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses" is really scary, and sometimes people try to skip it, or sneak in some excuses. But it is crucial to apologize with no excuses, and no finger-pointing. Without this act, you are not going to achieve the respect of your kids and spouse. Without it, you are not admitting accountability, your family will not hold you to a higher standard, and will be more likely to slip back into your old habits.
You are thinking right now, "But I'm not the only one in my family doing this!" I know. That's okay. Take accountability for your part. Don't worry about their part. They will learn from your example, and you may be surprised at the apologies that start coming your way, probably not at first, but eventually, as they see you begin to change, and they want that for themselves.
Negative thoughts, words, and behavior effects us and others down to the very molecular structure. "A Soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. " Proverbs 15:1.
The second part of Step 1, "discontinue using [the destroying phrases]" is not a matter of enduring, really, but changing yourself at the core. Kirk suggests one way to start ridding your family of these habits is to introduce a new one. For example: Say 5 positive things about someone every time you point out a negative. Make it a family rule. When putting this into practice, you discover that the negative starts to pale, and you see the person in a more positive light. They are able to see that you have love and appreciation for them, and they in turn have more hope, and are more likely to improve their behavior. Pretty soon, you start to overlook negative things, as the positive things are much more important to you. This really works on the thought level as well. If you're only thinking a negative thought, but haven't said it, try thinking about positives. In the begining, many of my positives were, "he's a child of a loving God." "Jesus Christ knows him personally, and knows his potential." If there were nothing else I could think of, I could always fall back on God. I did this with my kids and my spouse.
The Second destroying phrase that Kirk speaks of leads to step 2 in improving our families:
Destroying Phrase:
"# 2 "If you would just apply yourself more..." "If she would put forth more effort..."
When I hear those words, I cringe and my heart sinks. I know it's frustrating because we see very bright kids struggle with academics, behavior, etc. But why is our first assumption that it's only a matter of "applying yourself?" If it were that easy, don't you think our kids would do that in order to avoid harsh consequences?"
STEP 2 to improving your family relationships: Let go of negative assumptions.
Kirk: "Research shows disturbing health effects of stress and negativity: anxiety, lack of confidence, difficulty with social skills, lack of focus and attention in school, hypertension, aggression, damage to the part of the limbic brain responsible for learning and memory. This negativity and yelling damages our relationships with our kids, separating Moms and Dads from the kids they love. And none of us want that."
The greatest news in the world is that we have the power to change, and change the way others affect us, by choosing to think and feel proactively, not depending on others for our moods, and not letting their moods affect us. We are beings designed to act. Not to be acted upon. We can choose to praise, have compassion, have gratitude and unconditional love for others. We can choose to ask for these gifts from our Heavenly Father, and then do everything in our power to make that change.
The most important and the only longterm effective way to affect real change, is to allow your heart to break before God. Pray like your life depended on it, with all your heart and soul, with a willing heart and hands to do anything the Lord tells you to do. Then HE will change your heart, and open your eyes. The tools listed here are only surface steps that can help, and are only the outside appearance of true, honest, heartfelt repentance.
Here are the baby steps outlined by Kirk Martin. When you don't know what to do, or your child does something you disapprove of, ask yourself three questions:
"(1) What kind of tools can I provide the child to be successful? Please think tools. No child wants to fail; he usually needs tools. Does the student need more challenging work or is she overwhelmed? Does he need his brain stimulated in my class? Do I need to provide specific, concrete directions? There are dozens and dozens of very practical tools we can use to help our kids achieve consistently.
(2) How can I give this child some ownership or cultivate internal motivation by using the child's gifts and passions? We don't give kids control, but we do need to give them ownership. Otherwise, no amount of bribes or consequences will matter. How can you get your child/student involved using his talents?
(3) Is this about ME? How many times have we tried to make the issue about our kids' effort when their apparent failure is really about US? Are we embarrassed or frustrated by their actions? Are we anxious because we think they are going to fail in life? Have we set up impossible standards? Am I nervous because I am too responsible? Am I comparing this child unfairly to others? Am I projecting my own faults onto my child, afraid he's going to make the same mistakes as me?"
Kirk on looking at reality:
"Research also gives us hope: consistent discipline, modeling self-control and teaching kids to problem solve changes families. But science tells us that changing habits takes 30-45 days. Research proves that families who have ongoing help, who practice these new habits, achieve transformation every single time. Those who just say, "I'll try to do better" always fall into old habits...and nothing changes. Same reactivity, same yelling, same negativity."
Always remember that people can and do change! It is within our power to do so. In fact, it is in our very nature.
Above is a link to a talk given by Norman Doidge about "Brain Plasticity." He is a lead psycho analyst, who has achieved success in helping patients change thought patterns that would have been unimaginable years ago.
It is our thoughts that are our greatest enemy and our greatest ally. It is there that the change must begin, and that is the first benefit of prayer and meditation.
1st Destroying Phrase:
"1. Shaking our heads in disgust, constant negativity, "You'll never...". To my shame, this is how I communicated with Casey for the first 10 years of his life. I thought it would somehow magically motivate him to change his behavior."
This goes for marriages as well!! It includes sarcasm, rolling eyes, sighs of exasperation, and little phrases like, "yeah, just like you always do," and "I should've known," or "what NOW?" These are things I used to think of as just personality traits; things that make us who we are. But now I realize they are really bad habits that hurt and destroy others, especially tender little ones. Who we are is not as important as who we want to be, and who we want to be is not as important as who God wants us to be. So the first step in improving our relationships is to eliminate the attitude.
Are you trying to improve your family? We have been there! I'm going to weave in here two steps that are great first steps that worked for us, and many others. All of the advice is not my own, but comes from knowledge gained from Celebrate Calm's Kirk and Casey Martin.
STEP 1 toward improving family relationships (We did this : Apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses for the destroying attitudes and phrases you have used; then discontinue using them.
OUCH! Right? It's time to be brave. The first part of the step, "apologize to your kids and spouse with no excuses" is really scary, and sometimes people try to skip it, or sneak in some excuses. But it is crucial to apologize with no excuses, and no finger-pointing. Without this act, you are not going to achieve the respect of your kids and spouse. Without it, you are not admitting accountability, your family will not hold you to a higher standard, and will be more likely to slip back into your old habits.
You are thinking right now, "But I'm not the only one in my family doing this!" I know. That's okay. Take accountability for your part. Don't worry about their part. They will learn from your example, and you may be surprised at the apologies that start coming your way, probably not at first, but eventually, as they see you begin to change, and they want that for themselves.
Negative thoughts, words, and behavior effects us and others down to the very molecular structure. "A Soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. " Proverbs 15:1.
The second part of Step 1, "discontinue using [the destroying phrases]" is not a matter of enduring, really, but changing yourself at the core. Kirk suggests one way to start ridding your family of these habits is to introduce a new one. For example: Say 5 positive things about someone every time you point out a negative. Make it a family rule. When putting this into practice, you discover that the negative starts to pale, and you see the person in a more positive light. They are able to see that you have love and appreciation for them, and they in turn have more hope, and are more likely to improve their behavior. Pretty soon, you start to overlook negative things, as the positive things are much more important to you. This really works on the thought level as well. If you're only thinking a negative thought, but haven't said it, try thinking about positives. In the begining, many of my positives were, "he's a child of a loving God." "Jesus Christ knows him personally, and knows his potential." If there were nothing else I could think of, I could always fall back on God. I did this with my kids and my spouse.
The Second destroying phrase that Kirk speaks of leads to step 2 in improving our families:
Destroying Phrase:
"# 2 "If you would just apply yourself more..." "If she would put forth more effort..."
When I hear those words, I cringe and my heart sinks. I know it's frustrating because we see very bright kids struggle with academics, behavior, etc. But why is our first assumption that it's only a matter of "applying yourself?" If it were that easy, don't you think our kids would do that in order to avoid harsh consequences?"
STEP 2 to improving your family relationships: Let go of negative assumptions.
Kirk: "Research shows disturbing health effects of stress and negativity: anxiety, lack of confidence, difficulty with social skills, lack of focus and attention in school, hypertension, aggression, damage to the part of the limbic brain responsible for learning and memory. This negativity and yelling damages our relationships with our kids, separating Moms and Dads from the kids they love. And none of us want that."
The greatest news in the world is that we have the power to change, and change the way others affect us, by choosing to think and feel proactively, not depending on others for our moods, and not letting their moods affect us. We are beings designed to act. Not to be acted upon. We can choose to praise, have compassion, have gratitude and unconditional love for others. We can choose to ask for these gifts from our Heavenly Father, and then do everything in our power to make that change.
The most important and the only longterm effective way to affect real change, is to allow your heart to break before God. Pray like your life depended on it, with all your heart and soul, with a willing heart and hands to do anything the Lord tells you to do. Then HE will change your heart, and open your eyes. The tools listed here are only surface steps that can help, and are only the outside appearance of true, honest, heartfelt repentance.
Here are the baby steps outlined by Kirk Martin. When you don't know what to do, or your child does something you disapprove of, ask yourself three questions:
"(1) What kind of tools can I provide the child to be successful? Please think tools. No child wants to fail; he usually needs tools. Does the student need more challenging work or is she overwhelmed? Does he need his brain stimulated in my class? Do I need to provide specific, concrete directions? There are dozens and dozens of very practical tools we can use to help our kids achieve consistently.
(2) How can I give this child some ownership or cultivate internal motivation by using the child's gifts and passions? We don't give kids control, but we do need to give them ownership. Otherwise, no amount of bribes or consequences will matter. How can you get your child/student involved using his talents?
(3) Is this about ME? How many times have we tried to make the issue about our kids' effort when their apparent failure is really about US? Are we embarrassed or frustrated by their actions? Are we anxious because we think they are going to fail in life? Have we set up impossible standards? Am I nervous because I am too responsible? Am I comparing this child unfairly to others? Am I projecting my own faults onto my child, afraid he's going to make the same mistakes as me?"
Kirk on looking at reality:
"Research also gives us hope: consistent discipline, modeling self-control and teaching kids to problem solve changes families. But science tells us that changing habits takes 30-45 days. Research proves that families who have ongoing help, who practice these new habits, achieve transformation every single time. Those who just say, "I'll try to do better" always fall into old habits...and nothing changes. Same reactivity, same yelling, same negativity."
Always remember that people can and do change! It is within our power to do so. In fact, it is in our very nature.
Above is a link to a talk given by Norman Doidge about "Brain Plasticity." He is a lead psycho analyst, who has achieved success in helping patients change thought patterns that would have been unimaginable years ago.
It is our thoughts that are our greatest enemy and our greatest ally. It is there that the change must begin, and that is the first benefit of prayer and meditation.
Saturday, January 09, 2010
Regression, Confession, Renewal, Rebirth
Confession: During the last few weeks I slipped into some old habits, and felt myself getting angrier and angrier, and noticed that I re-started yelling like I used to. I felt awful about it, and kept apologizing, and trying to do better, but a part of me blamed them, and that allowed me to continue the negative pattern. I finally turned to the Lord about this, taking my own advice.
I felt inspired to think more deeply about it. What was I really angry about? What was underneath that rage? What usually triggered the outbursts? I listened to the Kirk Martin CDs again. Specifically CD 2, Create a Calm Home.
I realized that I got angriest when I couldn't bark a command and they follow-when they refused to be robots, and they exercised their right to choose their own actions, words, and feelings. The more I attempted to control, the angrier I got. Whether it was how they put on their PJs, how they spoke to each other, or how they used their time, I was trying to be the puppeteer. Most of all, I was so busy trying to force them to be calm and in control of themselves that I neglected to realize that it's not my job to do that for them. Only they can do that for themselves. My job is to simply control what I do, say, and feel. I was the huge hypocrite trying to pull the moat from their eyes while ignoring the beam in my own.
Once I realized that, I stopped immediately. I let go. Every time they got into a conflict, or made a choice I wouldn't have made, I let go of my anxiety. I don't need perfect children. I just need to be proactive and calm. I cry as I write this, because it's such a powerful experience to let go and say, "My child is responsible for his or her own life!" It is not to say I don't care, or won't do everything I can to help guide and teach. I am talking about letting go of making the choices for them-even telling them what choice to make. Teach consequences. Allow them to fail. These are things I was forgetting to do, and as soon as I remembered, and started letting go of my need to control again, a massive change came over me and my family once again. My children trust me again, and give thanks for my new attitude, again.
Last night the children decided to have some fun as I took an evening shower. They got into some rice, and spread it all over the kitchen, carpeted basement steps, couch, and living room carpet. Then they took some water and sprinkled it all over the rice making it stick to everything it touched, including their feet. So it was literally all over the house. Can you imagine the scene that awaited me when I walked out of my room? I was armed with the Spirit of Christ after reading scriptures and praying that day, and having a new outlook. I whispered when I might have yelled, I got to work when I might have flown off the handle, and I allowed the children to help clean up, instead of fighting and forcing them. They lost their movie privilege for the night, and they didn't argue it. They had to go directly to bed after dinner, with no story and no extra time with Mommy. But I still prayed with them, and the miracle was: I didn't feel angry.
It took me an hour to clean up all the rice. The whole time I thought about how much fun they must have had, and thought of their beautiful laughs and smiles, and I gave thanks that they were playing happily together, and making each other their best friends. They were very sorry, and helped me clean as much as they could, and accepted their punishment. Peter did protest a little at not getting to read a story, and I almost gave in, because it is education, after all, but I resolved that he would get a story tomorrow, but not during punishment time. I was firm, but not angry, unmoved, but still loving. I wasn't pushing down or stuffing down anger or frustration. It simply wasn't there, because I had surrendered. I cannot control them, and no amount of angry shouting or ranting and raving will change that. But there is something I can control, and that is me.
When I saw the rice, my mind made an instant split:
| What can I do? | What can't I do? |
| I can sweep and vacuum. | Go back in time and change what they did. |
| I can praise God, and see the good. | Force them to never ever again choose this. |
| I can think of a consequence. | Control their attitudes. |
| I can let go of my anxiety. | Control my husband's reaction to the mess. |
| I can do a great, thorough job of cleaning. | Magically will away the mess. |
| I can listen to music and poetry in my mind. | Stop my kids from laughing or playing. |
| I can enforce a consequence without debate. | Change the situation. |
Perhaps it's fitting that the same evening, I happened to read in my favorite book, Help for the Harried Homeschooler by Christine M. Field, Page 269:
"When I gave up my need to control, much of my anger and frustration dissipated."
Then on Page 271 She describes coming to God in tears, frustration and powerlessness:"Love me. God always answers. Love your neighbors. That's all. I'll work out the rough spots. And he does."
AND HE DOES.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Survival vs. Thrival
To be perfectly honest, motherhood terrified me from day one. I felt the surge of motherly love toward my baby, I had read many many parenting books ahead of time, so I thought I wouldn't be scared. I thought I had it all planned out in my mind. But when I brought my little girl home from the hospital, all I could do was sit on the couch with her in my arms and cry for the next 5 hours. I felt panic and fear. I had majored in Early Childhood Ed in College, and I had been around many many little kids in my life, but I had never known the pressure--the responsibility of motherhood. That was when I turned on the survival switch in my mind, and it took me 4 years to figure out it was hurting not helping me. At the time, to help myself calm down inside, I said over and over in my mind, "Just keep her alive. Just keep her alive." Instead, I should have told myself, "Enjoy this. Enjoy her. Laugh. Have fun!"
The Survival Switch
The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it. You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum. When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode. I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children. It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.
What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:
Expect them to act out. Scream. Fight. Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine. Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them. They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work. Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.
So, what do we do?
Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!! I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that. It must have been 3-4 pages long, and that was shortened! His answer to me was simple. "Let go of pleasing everyone around you. Sit down with her. Enjoy her." Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind. I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them. The only one worthy of that burden is God.
The Specific Answer:
Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial. But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer. Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to. If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that. Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT. Change your heart. AGAIN." This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them. If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member. Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity. The same goes with God.
Have a problem? Ask this question.
Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?
It's only a decision away.
The Survival Switch
The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it. You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum. When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode. I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children. It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.
What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:
Expect them to act out. Scream. Fight. Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine. Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them. They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work. Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.
So, what do we do?
Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!! I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that. It must have been 3-4 pages long, and that was shortened! His answer to me was simple. "Let go of pleasing everyone around you. Sit down with her. Enjoy her." Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind. I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them. The only one worthy of that burden is God.
The Specific Answer:
Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial. But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer. Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to. If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that. Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT. Change your heart. AGAIN." This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them. If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member. Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity. The same goes with God.
Have a problem? Ask this question.
Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?
It's only a decision away.
Saturday, October 03, 2009
"Zen and the art..."
"I think that if we are going to reform the world, and make it a better place to live in, the way to do it is not to talk about relationships of political nature, which are inevitably dualistic, full of subjects and objects and their relationship to one another; or with programs full of things for other people to do. I think that kind of approach starts it at the end and presumes the end is the beginning. Programs of a political nature are important end products of social quality that can be effective only if the underlying structure of social values is right. The social values are right only if the individual values are right. The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands, and then to work outward from there. Other people can talk about how to expand the destiny of mankind. I just want to talk about how to fix a motorcycle. I think that what I have to say has more lasting value."
Robert M. Pirsig (1928 - )
Source: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : An Inquiry Into Values, Page: 297
About a year and a half ago I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. I learned a great deal from that book, and consider him to be an inspired genius, even though I'm a confirmed Christian, and he a Zen Buddhist. I respect Robert's bravery, and admire his intellect. As a surprise to many of my friends and family, I gained key knowledge about how to be a better housewife from that book. Therein I discovered deep rooted truth based on observation of surface things. As I read, I was drawn toward the things that were true, and the things that were only Robert's thoughts and opinions, I overlooked. Most of it was eye opening, as I read it with a prayer in my heart.
You see, I had been praying for help to be able to keep my house clean. I knew I needed to. So I read this book, and it completely changed my perspective, but as I've stated before, I believe the only source for real change is Jesus Christ. So I believe it was through that book that Christ was able to open my eyes and teach me.
These are some of the basic things I learned from his philosophy:
-Seize each moment of every day as an opportunity for improvement.
-Constantly inspect, pay close attention to small changes, and tweak as needed; my life; my house; my family; my soul.
-Be prepared with my own set of tools to fix my own problems, rather than relying on imperfect and often incompetent "professionals" to fix them for me.
-Do not wait until a problem exacerbates itself before I address it. Stop as soon as I notice it, and fix it with my tools and intuition.
-When raising the children, and teaching myself, celebrate improvement and hard work; passion and genuine talent, and do not focus on competition with others.
-Take joy in my life now, and find excitement in performing my daily, albeit mundane, duties the very best I can, creating quality in my work.
-Pursue my passions and develop my talents, and do not expect perfection or expect to be talented in everything. Enjoy the journey of continuous learning and improving.
-Focusing simply on grades in school is a way to allow mediocre work to slide by, and passions and talents to go unrecognized. Both student and teacher look at the numbers instead of the person, and because of that, years are often wasted pursuing gifts and talents they do not possess or find joy in.
-When faced with a difficult task, first clear my mind of all clutter.
-Maintenance manuals are sometimes intentionally designed to be confusing, because the writer does not have working knowledge of the product,
-When climbing a mountain, recognize that it is the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.
-Sometimes it is crucial to stop, gaze, wonder, and contemplate.
Robert M. Pirsig (1928 - )
Source: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : An Inquiry Into Values, Page: 297
About a year and a half ago I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. I learned a great deal from that book, and consider him to be an inspired genius, even though I'm a confirmed Christian, and he a Zen Buddhist. I respect Robert's bravery, and admire his intellect. As a surprise to many of my friends and family, I gained key knowledge about how to be a better housewife from that book. Therein I discovered deep rooted truth based on observation of surface things. As I read, I was drawn toward the things that were true, and the things that were only Robert's thoughts and opinions, I overlooked. Most of it was eye opening, as I read it with a prayer in my heart.
You see, I had been praying for help to be able to keep my house clean. I knew I needed to. So I read this book, and it completely changed my perspective, but as I've stated before, I believe the only source for real change is Jesus Christ. So I believe it was through that book that Christ was able to open my eyes and teach me.
These are some of the basic things I learned from his philosophy:
-Seize each moment of every day as an opportunity for improvement.
-Constantly inspect, pay close attention to small changes, and tweak as needed; my life; my house; my family; my soul.
-Be prepared with my own set of tools to fix my own problems, rather than relying on imperfect and often incompetent "professionals" to fix them for me.
-Do not wait until a problem exacerbates itself before I address it. Stop as soon as I notice it, and fix it with my tools and intuition.
-When raising the children, and teaching myself, celebrate improvement and hard work; passion and genuine talent, and do not focus on competition with others.
-Take joy in my life now, and find excitement in performing my daily, albeit mundane, duties the very best I can, creating quality in my work.
-Pursue my passions and develop my talents, and do not expect perfection or expect to be talented in everything. Enjoy the journey of continuous learning and improving.
-Focusing simply on grades in school is a way to allow mediocre work to slide by, and passions and talents to go unrecognized. Both student and teacher look at the numbers instead of the person, and because of that, years are often wasted pursuing gifts and talents they do not possess or find joy in.
-When faced with a difficult task, first clear my mind of all clutter.
-Maintenance manuals are sometimes intentionally designed to be confusing, because the writer does not have working knowledge of the product,
-When climbing a mountain, recognize that it is the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.
-Sometimes it is crucial to stop, gaze, wonder, and contemplate.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Do you control yourself, or does your 'self' control you?'
"This is just the way I am."
"It's the way I was raised, so..."
"This is my personality."
"I've been this way ever since I can remember. There's nothing I can do about it."
"I can't help it. I was born this way."
Have you ever uttered these phrases? I know I have. All of the above statements are excuses for complacency in unhappiness, and for us mothers, that unhappiness spreads to our children. Not sometimes, all the time. If we are simply a victim of our personalities, then we don't have to try to change, because change would be impossible.
Why don't we want to change? Why is it easier to do the same things we've always done? Is it laziness? No. There is no such thing as laziness. I am a firm believer of that, and so is Kirk Martin, my most quoted philosopher. "Lazy" is a put-down, as hurtful as "stupid" and we should never use the word to describe ourselves or anyone else. But what is the cause for lack of progress, growth, and hard work, if it's not laziness?
There can be many causes for this hiding from progression. It can be lack of vision, direction, motivation, but today I want to address the one that is often the most elusive. Safety. There is always fear, no matter how old you are, of the unknown. If none of my family or friends do things my way, I'm alone in my thinking, and it is scary. I firmly believe humans are herd animals, and it takes overcoming the herd instincts to discover our higher nature. There is a false perception of safety in a herd. We think that if we do what everyone else is doing we will be fine.
But all too often, herds are in danger and don't know it. They follow eachother off of cliffs and into high water, and wander into dangerous places where they are attacked by preditors. If we truly want to be safe, we have to rear up on our hind legs, and look out ahead to where the herd is going, and search those few sheep who've been to the edges of the clearings, and ask what they have seen. Safety is not garunteed, even then, but we will not make the same mistakes as we would have if we weren't paying attention. Think of how scary it would be for a sheep who's only looked at the ground and followed the sheep next to him, to stop and raise his head above the crowd, to see where they are going.
Can you remember being a child, lying in bed, certain there was a monster under the bed. Simply looking under the bed would have calmed your fears, but it seemed safer to simply stay put, and not move.
That is the instinct we have to overcome if we want to grow. How do we overcome those fears?
Thought patterns that portray ourselves as victims are evidence of lack of Hope. If we want joy, we must have hope. Naturally, my next question is: How do we find hope?
That is when my answer is give up.
HUH?
Want to grow. Then give up trying to force growth on yourself. Seriously. Surrender. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change yourself. Certainly that has been my experience. Sure, I could change myself for a few months, even years, but eventually, I just couldn't keep up the effort any more, and slipped back to who I used to be. The phrase "Lift yourself up by your own bootstraps" was first coined to show how impossible that is! So where does that leave us?
The only way to change is through a higher power who possesses the strength and growth we need as well as the ability to endow that upon us, and then instead of trying to change ourselves, we are acting in faith in that higher power. We do not need to believe in ourselves, only believe that something bigger than ourselves, who cares deeply, and knows all will do that which we cannot do.
So if my goal is to stop smoking, or to stop yelling, and I have tried for years and years to kick the habit, but always find myself retreating back to a percieved, false safety, the answer is to first surrender--not to the habit, but to a loving God, and admit my powerlessness.
Then, I will receive a gift that will enlarge my soul, and change my very desires down to the core. Falling off the wagon, turning back to old habits, and other retreating actions, often stem from a desire for safety. Whether it be to follow friends and family like a herd animal, or to retreat toward a habit--to do what we have always done when we felt threatened--in other words, safety in sameness, it all stems from the same basic fear.
Fear of what? I have already stated that fear of the unknown is a factor, but searching deeper still, I ask, unknown what? Often the real triggers seem hazy. Perhaps nothing happened, or our reaction to something that happened was unbalanced. So the answer is then to dig deeper. I believe the deepest core of the issue is found in the truth in this quote attributed to Nelson Mandella:
My goal this week is to rely in the arm of God when I feel threatened or scared, instead of my own base coping mechanisms. My goal is to believe in Christ when I cannot, and have proven that I cannot, believe in myself. My goal is to surrender every day to a loving God through prayer. My goal is to release my crutches, and walk in faith, not in my imperfect self, but in a Jesus Christ, my savior. I love that this works every time. HE can do what I cannot do--again and again and again, He's proven this to me, and I am learning slowly, to let all the Glory be his forever and ever, Amen.
"It's the way I was raised, so..."
"This is my personality."
"I've been this way ever since I can remember. There's nothing I can do about it."
"I can't help it. I was born this way."
Have you ever uttered these phrases? I know I have. All of the above statements are excuses for complacency in unhappiness, and for us mothers, that unhappiness spreads to our children. Not sometimes, all the time. If we are simply a victim of our personalities, then we don't have to try to change, because change would be impossible.
Why don't we want to change? Why is it easier to do the same things we've always done? Is it laziness? No. There is no such thing as laziness. I am a firm believer of that, and so is Kirk Martin, my most quoted philosopher. "Lazy" is a put-down, as hurtful as "stupid" and we should never use the word to describe ourselves or anyone else. But what is the cause for lack of progress, growth, and hard work, if it's not laziness?
There can be many causes for this hiding from progression. It can be lack of vision, direction, motivation, but today I want to address the one that is often the most elusive. Safety. There is always fear, no matter how old you are, of the unknown. If none of my family or friends do things my way, I'm alone in my thinking, and it is scary. I firmly believe humans are herd animals, and it takes overcoming the herd instincts to discover our higher nature. There is a false perception of safety in a herd. We think that if we do what everyone else is doing we will be fine.
But all too often, herds are in danger and don't know it. They follow eachother off of cliffs and into high water, and wander into dangerous places where they are attacked by preditors. If we truly want to be safe, we have to rear up on our hind legs, and look out ahead to where the herd is going, and search those few sheep who've been to the edges of the clearings, and ask what they have seen. Safety is not garunteed, even then, but we will not make the same mistakes as we would have if we weren't paying attention. Think of how scary it would be for a sheep who's only looked at the ground and followed the sheep next to him, to stop and raise his head above the crowd, to see where they are going.
Can you remember being a child, lying in bed, certain there was a monster under the bed. Simply looking under the bed would have calmed your fears, but it seemed safer to simply stay put, and not move.
That is the instinct we have to overcome if we want to grow. How do we overcome those fears?
Thought patterns that portray ourselves as victims are evidence of lack of Hope. If we want joy, we must have hope. Naturally, my next question is: How do we find hope?
That is when my answer is give up.
HUH?
Want to grow. Then give up trying to force growth on yourself. Seriously. Surrender. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change yourself. Certainly that has been my experience. Sure, I could change myself for a few months, even years, but eventually, I just couldn't keep up the effort any more, and slipped back to who I used to be. The phrase "Lift yourself up by your own bootstraps" was first coined to show how impossible that is! So where does that leave us?
The only way to change is through a higher power who possesses the strength and growth we need as well as the ability to endow that upon us, and then instead of trying to change ourselves, we are acting in faith in that higher power. We do not need to believe in ourselves, only believe that something bigger than ourselves, who cares deeply, and knows all will do that which we cannot do.
So if my goal is to stop smoking, or to stop yelling, and I have tried for years and years to kick the habit, but always find myself retreating back to a percieved, false safety, the answer is to first surrender--not to the habit, but to a loving God, and admit my powerlessness.
Then, I will receive a gift that will enlarge my soul, and change my very desires down to the core. Falling off the wagon, turning back to old habits, and other retreating actions, often stem from a desire for safety. Whether it be to follow friends and family like a herd animal, or to retreat toward a habit--to do what we have always done when we felt threatened--in other words, safety in sameness, it all stems from the same basic fear.
Fear of what? I have already stated that fear of the unknown is a factor, but searching deeper still, I ask, unknown what? Often the real triggers seem hazy. Perhaps nothing happened, or our reaction to something that happened was unbalanced. So the answer is then to dig deeper. I believe the deepest core of the issue is found in the truth in this quote attributed to Nelson Mandella:
"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -
My goal this week is to rely in the arm of God when I feel threatened or scared, instead of my own base coping mechanisms. My goal is to believe in Christ when I cannot, and have proven that I cannot, believe in myself. My goal is to surrender every day to a loving God through prayer. My goal is to release my crutches, and walk in faith, not in my imperfect self, but in a Jesus Christ, my savior. I love that this works every time. HE can do what I cannot do--again and again and again, He's proven this to me, and I am learning slowly, to let all the Glory be his forever and ever, Amen.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Mistakes I've Made and Learned From
Mistakes with my first child, I often became overwhelmed because I thought I had to teach her everything, and my own pride drove me to want her to do everything faster and better. She was very bright, but so often I focused on what I wanted her to learn next, that I didn't just stop and let her enjoy her babyhood, especially once her brother came along. I pushed her to grow up too fast, and now I look back and realize how it just slipped away, and she'll never be a baby again!
My second child was constantly compared to his sister, and most unfairly, even though I knew better, I just couldn't help it. He was slower at everything, at first, and I think I babied him too much. He did learn to talk very rapidly, and was compared as faster than his sister on that. He refused to sign before he spoke, which was odd to me, but he seemed to be an auditory learner, and really used those excellent ears of his. He didn't want to learn to sign until he got talking down. It took me a long time to accept that, when I compared him to Kaylee who signed much more than talked for a long time. I spent his entire babyhood looking back at Kaylee's instead of just enjoying the ride, and now, those three short years are gone!
Now with my third child, I've finally learned to just enjoy him as he is, and not compare him, or push him to grow and learn any faster than he does naturally. I am more able to relax and laugh with him, and just enjoy every day as it comes, and sit back and marvel at him, instead of worrying that he needs to be taught this, and that, and so-n-so is already doing this, should he be doing that too? I don't care about any of that any more!
Kevin is also there with me, and we often laugh when we see our old selves in new parents. It's cute to watch but we're so glad that we've learned and grew up a bit. We are definitely "growing up with our kids." Living in the PRESENT. That is the main lesson I've learned, and I'm loving it!! "Kennie" is tiny, and does everything at his own pace. I just have to figure out how to keep the house clean when I have a baby. I haven't figured that out yet, but I'm not anxious about that either. I'm sure I'll learn.
Now, you'd think that we've learned our lesson and no longer push our daughter to learn and grow faster, and compare Peter to his sister, but alas, it is not that simple. It seems to have become a habit, and a way of relating to them that has become entrenched in our relationship with them. Now that we're aware of what we've been doing, we're trying to change that relationship, and we have small victories here and there.
For instance, I was fretting that my daughter had forgotten all the words I'd once taught her to read, and she was slow at learning her colors, and still can't write her name, even though all the other kids in her primary class can write their names. I wrote to Kirk Martin of Celebrate Calm expressing my frustrations at trying to teach her when she was just not willing to sit down and learn with me.
He reminded me that it is foolish to compare her to other children her age. "Relax and enjoy her!" He said. I realized he was right, and I knew it, and told my husband the same thing, and we forced ourselves to do just that. Now I see that she has excelled in other ways, and she's just learning different things, and has chosen to focus on non-academic learning for now, and THAT'S OKAY. She is fine, and I need to be too!! Still I learn, and still I grow. Slowly, slowly, but surely.
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