"I Need A Hug"

Dr. Jane Nelsen of positivedescipline.com writes in this article (click on the title for the link) about a soft approach to an out of control child. This particular approach may not work every time, or even more than once. But you and your child will never forget it.

A child is in the middle of a screaming tantrum. Father gets down and shouts, "I need a hug!" Child: "What?!?" Father: "I need a hug!" Child:"Now?!?" Father "Yes!" Child shrugs, "Okay" and hugs his father. The tension melts away, and father says, "Thanks, I needed that." Child says, "So did I." They can then deal with whatever started the tantrum after that, or not. Perhaps that is all that was needed.

The father above has taught his son several things in this moment. Here are just some that I thought of that his son learned:

1. His father loves him no matter what.

2. He, the son, can contribute to helping others, and that helping others also helps himself.

3. When people are upset, try pulling them closer instead of pushing them away. He now knows how that feels.

4. True love heals the hurt caused by anger.

The father above also learned several things in that moment:

1. He learned that he loves his son no matter what.

2. His son has a good heart, even when he's angry. He respects him for it.

3. Pull others close when they are angry, instead of pushing them away.

4. Holding his little boy close and feeling true love heals the hurt caused by anger.

Reading the above article I thought of the first time something like this happened with my daughter. I like remembering these things, because it's the only way I can make sure I don't ever forget!

My daughter was screaming, thrashing, shouting obscenities, and I was at a loss. The overwhelming feeling came over me; 'She is doing this because she doesn't feel loved.' I got down on the floor and shouted over her screams, "Do you think I don't love you?!" She quieted down and stared at me. I said more softly, "Are you really angry because you don't think I love you very much?" She started to cry real tears, pain and deep-felt hurt pouring out of her. I hugged her tightly, and through my own tears I cried to her, "I love you more than anything! You are my baby girl, and you always will be. You changed my life. You are my angel!" We sat on the floor and cried, and I felt her pain. I felt my own pain. I promised myself that things would be different from then on.

I don't know if my daughter remembers that day, but I know I will never forget. It was one of the first turning points for us--when I started realizing that love conquers all, not pain and shame. I pray I will never forget. I pray that I will remember how I felt before and after that moment. I pray that I will remember her face, and the pain that came pouring out of her, so much hurt, all caused by my negative discipline. Maybe I didn't beat my kids (except for spanking,) I didn't hit them with anything, no bruises (besides on their backsides,) but I controlled them (or tried to control them) using fear, intimidation, shame, and apathy. I didn't look ahead, I just tried to get through the moment, hoping that somehow, some way, things would get better. All my discipline was centered on immediate control, not long-term goals. It hurt. It hurt them- it hurt me- it hurt my spouse. It was wrong. It felt wrong. I just didn't know what else to do. Now I do know what else to do. I have given myself permission to use Christ's teachings in my home to teach discipline to my children, and myself. Self-discipline is contagious. The children learn it by watching. They also learn the opposite by watching. Am I ready to be the grown-up and make a choice? Am I ready to learn, for the sake of my family, how to be a true Christian?

The root of the word "discipline" is "disciple". I ought to BE Christ. I am the body of Christ, as are all his disciples, so how would Christ treat my children? If he were in my place, would he spank them? Would he shame them? Would he try to break their will? I can only know the answers as I learn more about Him. Simply remembering Him and how He feels, helps me see things differently. I want to be patient, I want to be kind, I want to show mercy and love. This is the reason for this blog--to make sure I keep remembering.

Reflections of Motherhood

Clean Home, Clean Hearts

I am sitting in a clean house.  I am aware that the tub is clean, the toilets are clean, the counters and kitchen table are all cleared and clean.  I have been reading scriptures and preparing for a Relief Society lesson since 5am, and now an hour and a half later, my cup runneth over.  I have so much to be thankful for, and the Lord is helping us in so many ways, to be happier, to have more energy, to be cleaner, and to love each other more deeply.  I wouldn't trade my family for any family in the world right now.

Last night, Kevin had a lot of office work to do, and I dutifully left him alone.  As I was sweeping for the umpteenth time that day, I heard, "RAAAAAARRR"  from my husband, and "IIIEEEEE" from Peter.  Then uproarious laughter from both parties.  They excitedly talked, and connected for just a moment, before Kevin got back to work.  It was something small, but I know meant so much to Peter.

Kaylee or Peter, (I can't remember which--give me a break, I'm a mom) said to me the other day, "I love my daddy.  He's a really good daddy.  I want you to always love my daddy, okay?"

The greatest gift I can give my children is to love their father with all my heart.  Because of Jesus Christ--because of the Gospel which helps us grow and qualify for the happiest of blessings--the scriptures which offer personal growth and understanding--because it is not on my husband that I lean, but my Lord, as I walk uprightly beside my husband, and he does the same---I do love my children's father with all my heart, and today, hold nothing back.  This is the greatest joy any mortal can experience.


Alma 27:17-18

17 Now the ^ajoy of Ammon was so great even that he was full; yea, he was swallowed up in the joy of his God, even to the ^bexhausting of his strength; and he fell ^cagain to the earth.

  18 Now was not this ^aexceeding joy? Behold, this is joy which none receiveth save it be the truly penitent and humble seeker of ^bhappiness.

Messy

Yesterday my husband told me, "I think you're a really good mother to our kids.  I think they are angels, and I couldn't ask them to be better behaved.  I really appreciate all you do to try to stay calm, and teach them how to be calm."

I have a confession.  I messed up the other day.  I had had a really long day.  You other moms know how it is.  There we were, driving down the interstate, and Ken was screaming, because Peter had his hands on Ken's seat, and in spite of my repeated instructions, refused to let go.  I pulled over, intending to work it out, and as I repeated for the thousand and thirty first time, "Peter, put your haNDS In YOUR LAP NOWWW!!"  I felt myself lose all composure, anger just shot out the top of my head as Peter, who was gripping Kendon's seat even harder, stared petrified.  "NOW!  NOW! NOWWWWW!!!!!"  I grabbed Peter's white-knuckle hands and forced them into his lap.


Kendon started imitating me immediately with his own screams.  Kaylee said, "Mommy screamed like a little kid."  Peter wailed.  I obviously lost some respect from all my kids in my moment of weakness.


So how does a family come back from that?  I will tell you what I would have done in the past.  I would have beaten myself up inside, and lost all hope of our family improving.  I would have internally projected years down the road, imagining that I would never be able to overcome this yelling habit.  I would be defensive outwardly, while inwardly churning in knots.  I would have sought out validation by telling the story to others, often in front of the kids, making my kids out to be the bad guys.  (You know you've done it.)  

Instead, this is how it went.  I was mad.  Really mad.  I told the kids 
    "I'm sorry.  I just snapped and lost my power.  I'm sorry Peter.  It's my job to set a good example for you, not show you how to throw a tantrum."  


Still, I was mad, and it took a little while to calm down.  What was it inside that had been building up to that outburst?  I had been wasting energy worrying about things I couldn't control.  I was not taking care of my own emotional needs, so that I was needy.  I NEEDED my kids to behave so I could be at peace.  I NEEDED my kids to be happy so I could be happy.  I NEEDED them to behave a certain way, because I was not okay inside.  So that's where my work began. 


I set about trying to humble myself.  I apologized to my Heavenly Father.  I told Him that I needed help, and couldn't do this without Him.  I apologized for forgetting to read scriptures that morning, because things like this don't usually happen when I do.  I asked the Lord to help me feel anguish for my sin, and help me to repent.


I took some deep Yoga breaths, I counted to 10, prayed, cried, and sang my heart out to country music.  Meanwhile, my kids were talking in the back, trying to figure out how to be the adults, since Mom apparently couldn't handle that responsibility at the moment.  My daughter was becoming very bossy, attempting to take over my role, understandably.  I could have lost heart.  I could have given up and said, "Calm is for perfect families, and we're just not that kind of family."  But I didn't think that for even a moment. 

Honesty is always the best policy, and is easy with kids after a little practice.  I told them I was embarrassed that I lost my temper, and I wanted to be a better example for them.  I told them I loved them and I was trying to stop feeling angry, and asked for their patience while I tried to calm myself down.  The more honest and heartfelt I was, the more I could see myself rise in their estimation.  I felt a warm glow begin to surround me.  I felt peace begin to return.


The rest of the day I was confident, and had complete faith in my Savior, that He was helping us.  There were no more incidents that day.  Each time I was tempted after that, I leaned on the Lord, and He helped me pass each test.  

The next morning was Sunday morning.  Peter didn't want to go to church.  
    "It's too long."  He said.  
This is when it took all my tools to honestly control my anxiety.  I intentionally didn't project or predict future inactivity.  Instead I smiled.  I sat down next to him, and put my feet up.  I said, 
    "You know, sometimes I feel that way too.  Did you know that?  Sometimes I don't feel like going to church.  Do you want to know why I go?"  
    No reply. 
   "Can you think about it for a minute?  Why do you think I would go to church, even when I don't feel like it?"  Peter answered,
    "You go to church to feel Jesus in your heart.  But I don't want to go to church.  It's too long."  
I stopped and thought for a minute.  What was he really feeling inside?  
    "Remember how you felt yesterday when I screamed at you?"  He looked down at the ground.
    "How did you feel inside when I did that?"  He said nothing, but I could see the shadow of the memory pass over his face as he stared more intently at the floor.  My heart swelled, and I trusted in my Savior.
    "Did you feel angry, hurt, and sad?"  He nodded.
    "I felt that way too, Peter.  Did you know, that when we go to church, we can feel the Holy Ghost, and through the Holy Ghost, Jesus can reach all the way down inside of you, and take all that hurt, all that anger, all those sad feelings and pull them out--and put in happiness, love, and peace instead?  Do you want Him to do that for you today?"  Peter nodded.
    "Heavenly Father loves us so much.  Do you think he would ever get mad and yell at you like Mommy did yesterday?"  Peter thought about it, and said, 
   "No, Heavenly Father doesn't get angry and yell."
   "I really need Him today to teach me again not to yell.  I need Him to help me remember how to be a happy mom. Would you like Jesus to teach me that today?"


I looked up to see Kevin smiling down at us from the door.  I smiled back at him, feeling only love and warmth.  Peter hugged me and said, 
    "I love you, Mommy."  
    "I love you too, Peter."
    "Mommy, we better get my church clothes on!  Can I wear my tie today?"
Ideally, the above conversation would have been long before time to leave, and we would have had plenty of time to get to church early.  But it happened to be just as we should have been walking out the door.  We got to church 30 minutes late, but when we got there, we were humble, ready to learn, and relaxed, as opposed to hurried, anxious, and irritated.  


After church, Peter asked me, 
    "Mommy, are you a better mommy now?  Did Jesus take the bad feelings out?"  I answered, 
    "Yes!  He sure did.  I feel so much love in my heart, I can't even remember the angry feelings!"  And it was true.
    "How about you?  Did Jesus take the bad feelings out for you too?"  
    "MmHmm.  I'm happy Mommy.  I love you so much.  You're a very good Mommy."
    "Thank you Peter, that made my whole day even better!  I love you with all my heart, and I'm so sorry I was a mean to you yesterday."  It reads like an after-school special, but it is true.


Sometimes it's the messy moments, when we think that someone else should probably be doing this job; when we doubt whether or not we really have it in us, and everyone is staring at our weakness; those are the true catalysts for change.  It is the screw-ups and the failures that make us stop and make course corrections.  It's the messy moments that sometimes can be the most important moments of our lives.

The More We Know of Jesus

“The more we know of Jesus, the more we will love Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will trust Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will want to be like Him and to be with Him by becoming the manner of men and women that He wishes us to be,  while living now ‘after the manner of happiness’.”

Neal A. Maxwell, "Plow in Hope," Liahona, July 2001, 7

Dear Mother,

Sunday morning, I woke up early prayed, read scriptures, and got myself and the kids bathed, dressed, fed and in the car.  I made Kevin some toast and woke him up by giving him breakfast in bed.  I told him I loved him, and missed him.  He glowed and smiled in a way I hadn't seen in awhile.  I was feeling spiritual, and I stayed calm and spoke to the kids with the Holy Ghost as a conduit, so they listened.  Through every obstacle, like Kaylee refusing to wear shoes, we sailed through it, the Holy Spirit and I, and we kept my focus on the eternal perspective.  We got to church about 5 minutes early. 

Soft Answers

I didn't fret or let my light be diminished about whether or not Kevin would show up to church.  I only felt love for him, not even a smidge of resentment or judging him harshly.  Sacrament meeting was about---not judging others.  I did have to take the baby out several times.  We are not perfect, after all.  At one point the kids were fighting over the only toy we brought in.  I took it and them out to the car. I put it in the car, hugged them, and said we were at church to feel Jesus's love in our hearts, not fight over toys.  They seemed resigned.  

Kendon found that seeing other babies in the hallway was much more interesting than sacrament meeting, and kept pulling on me as I sat down again in Sacrament meeting, and saying, "Get UP!"  I held him close and rocked him, and whispered that I loved him.  Eventually he settled down and I was able to sit through the remainder of the meeting.

Rewards for staying Calm

Kendon went to nursery, climbed into a chair and sat with his arms folded.  It was amazing.  Usually he cries and hangs on me, or at least whimpers, and I have to sneak out while he's distracted.  Not today.  He looked straight at me, and smiled as he folded his arms reverently as I left.  In fact all the nursery kids were sitting in their seats instead of playing with toys.  They have some really good teachers, and I also believe the little ones can feel the Spirit.  

Instead of Reacting out of Anxiety, Using the Holy Ghost

The second hour of church, Kaylee was really struggling, and wouldn't go in to primary.  (It was a difficult morning for her.)  She looked really tired, or sad, like she was stuffing down some feelings.  I looked at her with spiritual eyes, and could see something was bothering her.  I sat down on the floor with her in the hallway, and asked in a calm voice what was going on. 

She finally muttered that she had a bad dream last night.  I asked if she wanted to talk about it.  She shook her head no.  Never before has she declined to tell me a dream.  She usually loves to go on and on and imbelish her dreams, even the bad ones.  I tried to get some details from her, and got out of her that she was hurt in her dream.  She lay her head on my lap and stared into the distance, looking very sober and sad.  I prayed silently.  I told her that no matter what, Mommy would always love her, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus love her and are watching her.  I told her she was just a little girl, and shouldn't need to worry about anything.  No matter what, me, or daddy, or another grown-up like Sister Sunny would make sure everything will be okay.  

She looked up and saw a picture of Samuel the Lamanite.  She asked about it.  I told her the story.  She asked over and over how Heavenly Father protected him from getting hurt.  I told her that Heavenly Father wouldn't let Samuel be killed because he still had work to do for Heavenly Father.  I told her that none of us can die until our work is finished.  After we've finished our jobs to do for Heavenly Father, He may let us die, and that's okay, because he will take us to be with him.  I said that as long as we stay close to Jesus Christ, He will take care of our spirits, and our hearts.  We won't be scared, or alone, because He will be with us, just like He was with Samuel.  We don't have to worry about if our body gets hurt as long as Jesus is taking care of our spirits.  We got up then, and went into my Sunday School class.  Kaylee told me after we got in that she felt better and was ready to go to primary.  She left her shoes with me, and went.  I let go of the need to keep up appearances, put her shoes in my purse, and went to Sunday School.

Refusing to be Embarrassed  

After church, I met with three women I'd asked to participate in a Relief Society activity.  We had a meeting about what I've asked them to do, and all of us felt the spirit.  All of them saw this a an opportunity to grow, and as we basked in the spirit, the kids ran in and were being rowdy.  I quietly shooed the kids out, without losing my temper, and told the women that I had read words of prophets saying that it is possible to feel the spirit even when little children are being loud and rowdy, but if an adult loses patience with the children, the spirit departs.  They all agreed, and we spoke of how precious children are.  I told them that the most spiritual event in my life by far happened with kids literally running and screaming all over the house.  I felt that truth fill my soul, and they felt it too.

My kids came back in and were being irreverent, and running, but the spirit still did not depart.  Eventually, the kids mellowed out a little, as we stayed calm.  One of the sisters spoke of how she never grounded or sent her kids to their room.  She said that she instead had them sit at the kitchen table until the bad feelings went away.  She said it helped both of them, because they were still around eachother, and when they are alone, they just stewed and the bad feelings get worse.  Her kids all turned out well, and are now parents and have told her that they never wanted to rebel because she treated them like they were angels and they couldn't bear to disappoint her.  I told her I wanted to try that, because I lock my kids in their room, and they hate it and I hate it.  Another said that her parents were the same way.  They treated her as though she were an angel, the light of their life, and she never wanted to disappoint them.  I felt like I needed to learn from them, and use their insight in my own parenting.  Kids have missions from Heavenly Father.  If I keep the spirit in our home, they can feel what missions they are to perform.  

Tough Love Can Still be Soft Love

The kids were wild because they were hungry.  We got home and I made some lunch.   We cheered when we saw Kevin, and ran and hugged him.  Kevin had a headache, and was not feeling well, but he felt loved, and was happy to see us, and came up and ate lunch at the table with us.  (Though the reason he didn't come to church was because I was not there to tell him where his good pants were, which tells you how behind I am on the laundry.  I don't take responsibility for his choice, but I do see I can be accountable for my part.)  

Kaylee complained that she wanted cereal instead of homemade burritos.  I didn't let her move me, and refused to give her cereal, but in a calm, cheerful way.  I told her later, with love in my heart, that the reason she doesn't get to chose her food all the time, is because she's still a little kid, and she doesn't always understand about food.  Grown-ups know more about food and our bodies, and what our bodies need to stay healthy.  I said I need to choose her food until she's a grown-up and will know enough about things to choose her own food.  I of course try to teach her about nutrition, but it's a work in progress.  She tried only one more time to sneak into the cereal, and I, still with love in my heart, allowed only Peter to eat the cereal, because he had eaten his burrito.  I cheerfully told her that when she ate some healthy food, she could have a little bit of the sugar food.  I explained that she must eat more healthy than sugar foods. (The burrito, was ground up kidney beans with black beans and cheese mixed in, wrapped in a tortilla.  It was pretty darn healthy.)  She had this look of happiness on her face, even as I took the cereal away.  They love it when I stay calm AND keep my promises.

Soft LOVE

Kevin had a migraine.  He was miserable, and asked me to sit with him.  I told the kids that daddy had a headache, and we needed to be quiet, and I sat with Kevin that afternoon, and read scriptures while he slept or moaned. I brought him water, a cold pack for his head.  The kids were very good and quiet, and left him alone.  At one point, I heard Kaylee tell Peter, "Daddy is very sick, Peter, you have to be quiet....He's probably dead."  I assured them that Daddy would be okay.  

The Root of 'Discipline' is 'Disciple'

The kids started arguing over some trains.  Kaylee has been feeling extra protective of Kendon lately, and thought she was defending him, and was mad at Peter, who was hogging the trains saying, "I want to play all by myself!"  I followed the prompting of the Spirit.  Kaylee kept telling me, "Mom, will you please just pack up the trains, Peter isn't sharing with Kendon."  But I said no, I wanted them to practice playing together.  After several attempts of letting them work it out on their own, I had to go intercede.  

I took Peter in my arms, and rocked him.  I spoke gently of Heavenly Father's love for him, and my love for him.  I told him about his brother and sister, and how much they love him.  I explained that when Kendon tries to take toys from him, it's not because he's trying to steal them, it's because he wants to play with him.  I said, "Peter, Kendon wants to be your best buddy.  Can you be his best buddy?"  We talked a little about how to play together, and Peter was still whiney and unreceptive.  But then Kaylee and Kendon came over, and started handing trains to him, and I praised them, and told Peter, "you see?  Kendon loves you way more than that train.  Kaylee loves you more than that train too!  Pretty soon, Peter was sharing back, and I praised him, and said, "see?  you love them much more than trains!  We all love to be a happy family, more than we love toys, don't we?"  All the kids agreed, and each of the kids ran and hugged me, and told me they loved me so much.  After that, they played well together, and eventually lost interest in the trains, and focused on eachother. 

At the End of the Day

I tidied up and put in some of Kevin's clothes to wash for the next morning.  I noticed at 11pm that he had no socks for the next day.  So I stayed up late washing laundry.  I set out his clothes for the morning, because he'd told me he had extra work to do in the morning, and I knew he would be pressed for time.  So at 2am, I had all his clothes, including socks, set out for him.  It felt like the perfect end of the perfect day.

Regression, Confession, Renewal, Rebirth

Confession:   During the last few weeks I slipped into some old habits, and felt myself getting angrier and angrier, and noticed that I re-started yelling like I used to.  I felt awful about it, and kept apologizing, and trying to do better, but a part of me blamed them, and that allowed me to continue the negative pattern.  I finally turned to the Lord about this, taking my own advice. 


 
I felt inspired to think more deeply about it.  What was I really angry about?  What was underneath that rage?  What usually triggered the outbursts?  I listened to the Kirk Martin CDs again.  Specifically CD 2, Create a Calm Home.


 
I realized that I got angriest when I couldn't bark a command and they follow-when they refused to be robots, and they exercised their right to choose their own actions, words, and feelings.  The more I attempted to control, the angrier I got. Whether it was how they put on their PJs, how they spoke to each other, or how they used their time, I was trying to be the puppeteer. Most of all, I was so busy trying to force them to be calm and in control of themselves that I neglected to realize that it's not my job to do that for them.  Only they can do that for themselves.  My job is to simply control what I do, say, and feel. I was the huge hypocrite trying to pull the moat from their eyes while ignoring the beam in my own.


 
Once I realized that, I stopped immediately.  I let go. Every time they got into a conflict, or made a choice I wouldn't have made, I let go of my anxiety.  I don't need perfect children.  I just need to be proactive and calm.  I cry as I write this, because it's such a powerful experience to let go and say, "My child is responsible for his or her own life!"  It is not to say I don't care, or won't do everything I can to help guide and teach.  I am talking about letting go of making the choices for them-even telling them what choice to make.  Teach consequences.  Allow them to fail.  These are things I was forgetting to do, and as soon as I remembered, and started letting go of my need to control again, a massive change came over me and my family once again.  My children trust me again, and give thanks for my new attitude, again.


 
Last night the children decided to have some fun as I took an evening shower.  They got into some rice, and spread it all over the kitchen, carpeted basement steps, couch, and living room carpet.  Then they took some water and sprinkled it all over the rice making it stick to everything it touched, including their feet.  So it was literally all over the house.  Can you imagine the scene that awaited me when I walked out of my room?  I was armed with the Spirit of Christ after reading scriptures and praying that day, and having a new outlook.  I whispered when I might have yelled, I got to work when I might have flown off the handle, and I allowed the children to help clean up, instead of fighting and forcing them.  They lost their movie privilege for the night, and they didn't argue it.  They had to go directly to bed after dinner, with no story and no extra time with Mommy.  But I still prayed with them, and the miracle was: I didn't feel angry. 


 
It took me an hour to clean up all the rice.  The whole time I thought about how much fun they must have had, and thought of their beautiful laughs and smiles, and I gave thanks that they were playing happily together, and making each other their best friends.  They were very sorry, and helped me clean as much as they could, and accepted their punishment.  Peter did protest a little at not getting to read a story, and I almost gave in, because it is education, after all, but I resolved that he would get a story tomorrow, but not during punishment time.  I was firm, but not angry, unmoved, but still loving.  I wasn't pushing down or stuffing down anger or frustration.  It simply wasn't there, because I had surrendered.  I cannot control them, and no amount of angry shouting or ranting and raving will change that.  But there is something I can control, and that is me. 


 
When I saw the rice, my mind made an instant split:


 

What can I do?	What can't I do?
I can sweep and vacuum.	Go back in time and change what they did.
I can praise God, and see the good.	Force them to never ever again choose this.
I can think of a consequence.	Control their attitudes.
I can let go of my anxiety.	Control my husband's reaction to the mess.
I can do a great, thorough job of cleaning.	Magically will away the mess.
I can listen to music and poetry in my mind.	Stop my kids from laughing or playing.
I can enforce a consequence without debate.	Change the situation.

 
Perhaps it's fitting that the same evening, I happened to read in my favorite book, Help for the Harried Homeschooler by Christine M. Field, Page 269:

"When I gave up my need to control, much of my anger and frustration dissipated."

Then on Page 271 She describes coming to God in tears, frustration and powerlessness:

"Love me. God always answers. Love your neighbors. That's all. I'll work out the rough spots. And he does."

AND HE DOES.

 

Survival vs. Thrival

To be perfectly honest, motherhood terrified me from day one.  I felt the surge of motherly love toward my baby, I had read many many parenting books ahead of time, so I thought I wouldn't be scared.  I thought I had it all planned out in my mind.  But when I brought my little girl home from the hospital, all I could do was sit on the couch with her in my arms and cry for the next 5 hours.  I felt panic and fear.  I had majored in Early Childhood Ed in College, and I had been around many many little kids in my life, but I had never known the pressure--the responsibility of motherhood.  That was when I turned on the survival switch in my mind, and it took me 4 years to figure out it was hurting not helping me.  At the time, to help myself calm down inside, I said over and over in my mind, "Just keep her alive.  Just keep her alive."  Instead, I should have told myself, "Enjoy this.  Enjoy her.  Laugh.  Have fun!"

The Survival Switch

The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it.  You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum.  When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode.  I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children.  It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.

What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:

Expect them to act out.  Scream.  Fight.  Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine.  Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them.  They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work.  Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.

So, what do we do?

Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!!  I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that.  It must have been 3-4  pages long, and that was shortened!  His answer to me was simple.  "Let go of pleasing everyone around you.  Sit down with her.  Enjoy her."  Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind.  I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them.  The only one worthy of that burden is God.

The Specific Answer:

Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial.  But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer.  Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to.  If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that.  Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT.  Change your heart.  AGAIN."   This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them.  If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member.  Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity.  The same goes with God.

Have a problem?  Ask this question.

Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?

It's only a decision away.

"Zen and the art..."

"I think that if we are going to reform the world, and make it a better place to live in, the way to do it is not to talk about relationships of political nature, which are inevitably dualistic, full of subjects and objects and their relationship to one another; or with programs full of things for other people to do. I think that kind of approach starts it at the end and presumes the end is the beginning. Programs of a political nature are important end products of social quality that can be effective only if the underlying structure of social values is right. The social values are right only if the individual values are right. The place to improve the world is first in one's own heart and head and hands, and then to work outward from there. Other people can talk about how to expand the destiny of mankind. I just want to talk about how to fix a motorcycle. I think that what I have to say has more lasting value."
Robert M. Pirsig (1928 - )
Source: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : An Inquiry Into Values, Page: 297


About a year and a half ago I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. I learned a great deal from that book, and consider him to be an inspired genius, even though I'm a confirmed Christian, and he a Zen Buddhist. I respect Robert's bravery, and admire his intellect. As a surprise to many of my friends and family, I gained key knowledge about how to be a better housewife from that book. Therein I discovered deep rooted truth based on observation of surface things. As I read, I was drawn toward the things that were true, and the things that were only Robert's thoughts and opinions, I overlooked. Most of it was eye opening, as I read it with a prayer in my heart.

You see, I had been praying for help to be able to keep my house clean. I knew I needed to. So I read this book, and it completely changed my perspective, but as I've stated before, I believe the only source for real change is Jesus Christ. So I believe it was through that book that Christ was able to open my eyes and teach me.

These are some of the basic things I learned from his philosophy:

-Seize each moment of every day as an opportunity for improvement.
-Constantly inspect, pay close attention to small changes, and tweak as needed; my life; my house; my family; my soul.
-Be prepared with my own set of tools to fix my own problems, rather than relying on imperfect and often incompetent "professionals" to fix them for me.
-Do not wait until a problem exacerbates itself before I address it. Stop as soon as I notice it, and fix it with my tools and intuition.
-When raising the children, and teaching myself, celebrate improvement and hard work; passion and genuine talent, and do not focus on competition with others.
-Take joy in my life now, and find excitement in performing my daily, albeit mundane, duties the very best I can, creating quality in my work.
-Pursue my passions and develop my talents, and do not expect perfection or expect to be talented in everything. Enjoy the journey of continuous learning and improving.
-Focusing simply on grades in school is a way to allow mediocre work to slide by, and passions and talents to go unrecognized. Both student and teacher look at the numbers instead of the person, and because of that, years are often wasted pursuing gifts and talents they do not possess or find joy in.
-When faced with a difficult task, first clear my mind of all clutter.

-Maintenance manuals are sometimes intentionally designed to be confusing, because the writer does not have working knowledge of the product,

-When climbing a mountain, recognize that it is the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top.

-Sometimes it is crucial to stop, gaze, wonder, and contemplate.

Do you control yourself, or does your 'self' control you?'

"This is just the way I am."
"It's the way I was raised, so..."
"This is my personality."
"I've been this way ever since I can remember. There's nothing I can do about it."
"I can't help it. I was born this way."


Have you ever uttered these phrases? I know I have. All of the above statements are excuses for complacency in unhappiness, and for us mothers, that unhappiness spreads to our children. Not sometimes, all the time. If we are simply a victim of our personalities, then we don't have to try to change, because change would be impossible.


Why don't we want to change? Why is it easier to do the same things we've always done? Is it laziness? No. There is no such thing as laziness. I am a firm believer of that, and so is Kirk Martin, my most quoted philosopher. "Lazy" is a put-down, as hurtful as "stupid" and we should never use the word to describe ourselves or anyone else. But what is the cause for lack of progress, growth, and hard work, if it's not laziness?


There can be many causes for this hiding from progression. It can be lack of vision, direction, motivation, but today I want to address the one that is often the most elusive. Safety. There is always fear, no matter how old you are, of the unknown. If none of my family or friends do things my way, I'm alone in my thinking, and it is scary. I firmly believe humans are herd animals, and it takes overcoming the herd instincts to discover our higher nature. There is a false perception of safety in a herd. We think that if we do what everyone else is doing we will be fine.


But all too often, herds are in danger and don't know it. They follow eachother off of cliffs and into high water, and wander into dangerous places where they are attacked by preditors. If we truly want to be safe, we have to rear up on our hind legs, and look out ahead to where the herd is going, and search those few sheep who've been to the edges of the clearings, and ask what they have seen. Safety is not garunteed, even then, but we will not make the same mistakes as we would have if we weren't paying attention. Think of how scary it would be for a sheep who's only looked at the ground and followed the sheep next to him, to stop and raise his head above the crowd, to see where they are going.


Can you remember being a child, lying in bed, certain there was a monster under the bed. Simply looking under the bed would have calmed your fears, but it seemed safer to simply stay put, and not move.


That is the instinct we have to overcome if we want to grow. How do we overcome those fears?


Thought patterns that portray ourselves as victims are evidence of lack of Hope. If we want joy, we must have hope. Naturally, my next question is: How do we find hope?


That is when my answer is give up.
 HUH?


Want to grow. Then give up trying to force growth on yourself. Seriously. Surrender. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change yourself. Certainly that has been my experience. Sure, I could change myself for a few months, even years, but eventually, I just couldn't keep up the effort any more, and slipped back to who I used to be. The phrase "Lift yourself up by your own bootstraps" was first coined to show how impossible that is! So where does that leave us?


The only way to change is through a higher power who possesses the strength and growth we need as well as the ability to endow that upon us, and then instead of trying to change ourselves, we are acting in faith in that higher power. We do not need to believe in ourselves, only believe that something bigger than ourselves, who cares deeply, and knows all will do that which we cannot do.

So if my goal is to stop smoking, or to stop yelling, and I have tried for years and years to kick the habit, but always find myself retreating back to a percieved, false safety, the answer is to first surrender--not to the habit, but to a loving God, and admit my powerlessness.
Then, I will receive a gift that will enlarge my soul, and change my very desires down to the core. Falling off the wagon, turning back to old habits, and other retreating actions, often stem from a desire for safety. Whether it be to follow friends and family like a herd animal, or to retreat toward a habit--to do what we have always done when we felt threatened--in other words, safety in sameness, it all stems from the same basic fear.

Fear of what? I have already stated that fear of the unknown is a factor, but searching deeper still, I ask, unknown what? Often the real triggers seem hazy. Perhaps nothing happened, or our reaction to something that happened was unbalanced. So the answer is then to dig deeper. I believe the deepest core of the issue is found in the truth in this quote attributed to Nelson Mandella:

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -

My goal this week is to rely in the arm of God when I feel threatened or scared, instead of my own base coping mechanisms. My goal is to believe in Christ when I cannot, and have proven that I cannot, believe in myself. My goal is to surrender every day to a loving God through prayer. My goal is to release my crutches, and walk in faith, not in my imperfect self, but in a Jesus Christ, my savior. I love that this works every time. HE can do what I cannot do--again and again and again, He's proven this to me, and I am learning slowly, to let all the Glory be his forever and ever, Amen.