Correction

In my last post I said something I need to clarify.  When talking about my daughter, I said, "She is not responsible for her actions..."  Taken out of context, I do not believe that.  Even a 2-yr-old is responsible for choosing their own actions and re-actions.  But a young child is not ACCOUNTABLE for his actions.  Accountable is defined as: Required or expected to justify actions or decisions.  Before age 8 is a learning and absorbing time of life.  A young child cannot repent, therefore, it would be a great injustice to believe that they can sin.  However, the lessons they learn early in life can stay with them forever, so teaching them is a great responsibility.  


What I meant by saying [she is not responsible] was, she doesn't have to carry the burden of change and growth.  She was not the more responsible party.  The responsibility to be a good example and teacher lies solely with ME.  To put the pressure on her to be an example of love and goodness while being treated with frustration and irritation, is erroneous, and unfair.  By saying that, I really actually mean that I am responsible TO her and TO God for MY actions and re-actions, and that she IS responsible ONLY to herself at this point.  I am not responsible for HER actions, I am responsible for MINE.  I am responsible for the family environment, because I have the power to create it by controlling, or not controlling MYSELF.  


She, according to her age, will generally act the way she perceives she is treated in general.  Either by me, or someone else.  She is learning little by little to have control over her feelings and choices, but she is still too young to master these skills.  This is a time when it is crucial that I am a rock of stability in her life, not what I have been, a wavering example of inconsistency.  


Let me demonstrate by an example:  Just a few minutes ago, my kids were playing a game of piling up pillows and jumping on them.  Peter was jumping on them over and over, without order, and Kaylee wanted them to take turns.  She, in trying to control his actions, became very upset that she could not control him, and eventually, started shouting, and then pushed him.  He remained calm, because he has spent a long time practicing this skill.  But he looked to me to intervene.  She whined about him not taking turns.  I remained calm, and said, as any parent would, "Apologize.  You pushed him.  You cannot force him to take turns.  But DO you have control over your body.  What did you do with that choice?"  That was kind of a controlling reply, but at least I stayed calm, right?  (Evidently my daughter gets her control issues honestly.)  Naturally, she was upset and defensive, and began to cry, and said, "I will never, NEVER apologize!"  She lashed out at her littlest brother, and I told her it was inappropriate, and Peter did as well.  She was defensive again, as anyone would be.  But then I calmed my inner anxiety and said to her, "When you're ready to talk without shouting, I am happy to listen."  That was all.  She buried her head in her pillow, and when her brothers remained calm and ran to play in another room, she lifted her head with a smile.  "Mom, I have something to say to my brothers.  I think you know what it is."  And then she ran to play with them, happily and apologetically.  


When I was controlling, she was controlling.  When I controlled only myself, she reacted by seeking that self-control as well.  Our kids must have self discipline and self-control in order to be happy and successful in life.  Yet how many of us are modeling these attributes?  How many of us never learned these things as children because our parents thought they had to bear the entire responsibility for controlling US (instead of themselves)-through fear and intimidation, never allowing us to trust them with our mistakes and challenges, never learning the power of self-control?  Do we want that for our kids?--Our Grandkids?  Here's some questions for all of us, including myself, to ponder.


Am I ready to be my child's Hero?
Am I ready to be the rock of stability in his/her life?  Unmoving--uncompromising--in control?
Am I ready to BE the model of Christ's love and forgiveness, patience and persistence?
Am I ready to take back control of my emotions from the hands of my child, and BE the Grown-up?
Am I ready to break the patterns of the past, and perhaps the patterns of my friends and associates?
Am I ready to be accountable for my own choices, regardless of the choices of others?


In my family, I have an example of this.  It is my father.  He broke the patterns of his past and found a new way to relate to his kids.  But he also had an example to turn to when he was ready.  That example was the memory of his grandfather.  Sometimes extended family members wield more power over a child's rearing than they realize.  This grandfather was instrumental in my father's upbringing, and though his grandfather didn't raise him, he gave him an example that he could look back on and mimic when he needed to.  Now I have my own memories to look back on--I use a variety of sources.  I'm thankful for each one of them.


See, we are adults.  We can choose our Heroes.  We can choose what memories we dwell on.  We can choose whose example to mimic.  We can choose to wallow, or choose to learn.  We always have a choice.


I guess the thing I want to stress most right now is this:  Self-mastery and positive discipline does not happen accidentally or automatically.  It does not happen while we're avoiding conflict or pushing problems under the rug.  It does not happen while we're ranting, lecturing, raging, fretting and worrying.  It is a muscle.  It is developed by constant effort and hard, hard work.  It quickly atrophies when we do not use it.  It is developed most easily and quickly through faith and following principles of Christianity, though many non-Christians have mastered it as well.  [I believe that Christ is the source of all goodness and truth, so even those who do not believe in Him, who ascribe to His teachings, still receive the blessings that many who profess to believe, yet do not live His teachings, are held back from.]  I look at the faces of those who live with integrity, and faith in Christ, and they glow with radiance.  I want that.  I need that.  I want that for my children.  It's time to get there!  We're getting closer, we really are!  I can feel it!  Each time we read the scriptures and think and talk together about our faith, each time we forgive and show love, each time we hold back from re-acting, and instead pro-act, we get a little closer.

The most Christ-like person I know

The most Christ-like person I know is my 5 year old son.  I know that may sound very much like a mother, but it happens to be a genuine observation.  I see him in action more than anyone else in the world, and I see his heart as well as hear his words, and experience his treatment daily.

To give just one example, I will recount what happened last night.  Kaylee had a rough day.  She had many emotional struggles, and her facade of not caring was crumbling slowly, and that evening, close to bed time, she bit her cheek.  That was the last straw for her, and she began to cry, real tears, and needed her mother's arms.  She doesn't get to cuddle with mom much, because that spot seems always filled with the littlest one.  Kendon was nursing at that moment.  I was torn.  I asked Kendon to let go, and we would nurse later, but he was determined not to be unseated by his sister, who tried to climb on my lap, and was pushed off.  I don't believe in pushing a young child away, so I didn't want to push Kendon away from me, but I unlatched him, and told him firmly and kindly, "I'm sorry, but you will have to nurse later.  I have three kids, and right now, Kaylee needs a mommy too."  Well, that worked like you'd imagine it would on a 2-yr-old.  (Not at all.)  And so I sat there, with two crying kids, each wanting to get on my lap, and each pushing the other away, and me, caught in the impossible position in the middle.  

That's what my peacemaker intervened.  Peter comes over, calmly and cheerfully and says, "Don't worry Mom. I'll take care of Kendon."  He is not put off by Kendon ignoring him, continuing to fuss, and trying to get back on my lap.  He just sweetly puts his arm around his brother's shoulders and says to him with a warm smile, "It's okay Kendon, It's okay little bro, I'll take care of you.  What do you want to play together?"  Kendon stops, looks at his big brother he has learned to trust, and puts his little head on his brother's chest.  Peter slowly walks away with him. Kendon says quietly, "I want to play dinosaur."  Peter says, "Do you want to  be Tyrannosaurus Rex?  The king dinosaur?  You go like this..."  And off they went, saying "Raaaarrr," and playing happily together.  Meanwhile, my daughter climbed on my lap, and received some much needed comfort. 

Kaylee and I were able to enjoy about 10 minutes of agenda-free time, reading scriptures together, and just enjoying the feel of one another's touch.  I realized that I don't hold her anymore, and I have missed her.  It felt good to hold my big girl, even though she is almost 7, and it felt good to listen to her, and enjoy her, instead of correcting her.  All that was made possible, because my middle child had prepared himself to be okay, so he could reach out to others.  It was not an accident, he works at it every day.  He is striving harder than anyone I know, to be exactly like his idol, Jesus Christ.  One way, is by strengthening himself, so he can be a strength to others.

I am humbled deeply today, and I have been on my knees all morning, asking my Father to help me to be more like my own son, who is more like His son, than I am.  Can I, by turning to the Lord, become emotionally secure enough to be a strength to others, and not constantly be needing strength from others? 

Family News:

I don't like to be constantly giving updates on all the family news, because this blog is not supposed to be all about me.  But there are some things that will be affecting my posts in the future, and need to be said.  

First:  I am currently pregnant with our fourth child.  Due in late September.

Second:  We have recently sold our house and are moving, we have no idea where yet, except for a little while we'll be moving to my husband's parents' home during the transition time.  I have three weeks to pack our house and house-hunt, so I will not have much time to post for the next little while.

To Be Honest:

I have recently started listening again to Kirk Martin's, Celebrate Calm.  That is because since I've been pregnant, I've been less calm, and less in control of my feelings.  I find myself crying more, shouting more, and overall, giving up more on being the kind of mom I want to be.  Then a few weeks ago, I lost it with my daughter.  She is going through a transition age right now, and all sorts of problems with relationships and schooling are bubbling to the surface, issues I have feared, and all of us are on edge and faced with new issues we haven't dealt with before.  I guess I started reverting back to what I know best, fear and intimidation, distracted, anxiety-ridden parenting, and that just made everything so much worse.  Then one day, I snapped.  I said things I'm so ashamed of, I can't believe left my lips.  I hurt her so deeply, and I saw it happening, and didn't care.  I didn't care until about 5 minutes later when I had a minute to process, and I thought I would throw up.  I was so heartbroken at what I'd just done, I didn't even know how to apologize.  I didn't say anything, I just cried, and cried, and cried.  I felt intense, enormous grief and pain, I can't even describe.  That was anguish!  Truly, deep, heart-wrenching sorrow.  How could I make it better?  How could I come back from that low, low place?  How could she heal from that?  How could I?

We went to my mother's house who unwittingly said some things that helped both of us.  My daughter looked at me, and I looked at her, and the words were unspoken, but she smiled and nodded, and I smiled back and nodded.  We both resolved to try harder to be peacemakers.  Later, she asked me why I hadn't apologized, and I said that I was so ashamed, I didn't know how to say it.  But then I apologized, and I asked her if we could start over. I told her how precious she was to me, and how lucky I was to be given such a special girl to be my daughter.  It was a new beginning, not a new arrival, meaning it was still a painful time, still we needed help.

The next few weeks I spent more time on my knees, crying, seeking, and asking for Christ's help, healing, and instruction.  Wisely, He let me struggle awhile, and let me feel the full brunt of my shame, and see clearly the pain I have the power to cause before offering me solace.  Eventually, when the time was right, that comfort came.  It wasn't all at once, it was a little bit each day.  As I showed willingness to change and grow myself, He offered a boost up each time.  It is only through consistent effort and obedience that peace can be availed to us.  If I were to repeat the offenses, I would negate the blessings.  I would be unable to receive any comfort, only added anguish.  So through obedience to God, I opened myself to receiving the blessings of my Father, and the love and healing of Christ.

Now I feel that healing love, and walk in it daily.  I give thanks and do not take it for granted.  Now that I am on firmer ground, it's time for me to reach out to my little girl, and show her once again where true growth,  peace and healing can be found.  In the arms of her loving Savior.  She has the right and privilege to enjoy those blessings right now. 

Our relationship is beginning to heal, and I can feel her longing for love and healing.  I can see her reaching for any help, any hope she can find.  She did nothing wrong--nothing she has to answer for, but she did get hurt.  She is not responsible for her actions, she is still too young to be expected to be able to control herself completely.  Before age 8, kids are still expected to be the result of their environment.  While they begin to learn the principles of choice and accountability, it's not right to demand it of them until they are completely mentally and emotionally ready to be independent of their surroundings.  (Which is yet another reason it's incredible to witness emotional and spiritual integrity in my 5-yr-old.)  Before age 8, the responsibility for repentance (i.e. struggling to change and grow, praying for forgiveness and help to improve,) lies solely with the adult.  This is a doctrine of my church, but also a universal truth I believe.  Universal truths can be forgotten, or put on the back burner of our minds.  It's time I remember this one, and realize that the fault is mine when there is a conflict with her.  I have seen my own power to affect our relationship for the good in the past.  Her actions do not hold merit against mine.  That is the bad news, and that is the good news.  As long as we have faith, there is still hope for us.

One Week of Silence

This week I am taking one week of silence from the world's clatter.  All music, books, and media I watch, read, or listen to from today to Sunday will be spiritual in nature, uplifting, and unoffensive.  I'm so tired of filtering, tired of saying, "close your eyes kids!"  I'm tired of trying to push scenes from my mind, the constant assault against goodness and purity I endure daily as I partake of the entertainment industry that has pushed its way into into my home.  


Sweet silence.  Sweet rest.

This desire came to me the other day when I got home from a movie I will not mention, that I felt I was tricked into seeing, and I was offended and insulted by its content.  I then had a dream where I was screaming and ranting at someone for a choice I had made, blaming him, resenting him, working myself into a frenzy and frightening my children, losing my own self-respect.  I awoke in the middle of the night, and wept bitter tears.  I and no one else am responsible for my ALL my choices.


I remembered, like a distant dream, a time when I entered a place in my spiritual development where I felt the purity and peace Christ offers with such perfect intensity that I could not feel anger, resentment, or blame.  In that place, I had only the desire to do good, to see good, and had no hint of desire to partake in anything unworthy of a saint.  I felt an enormous sense of FREEDOM I could never have imagined.  I cannot stress that enough!  I felt as though I could fly!  Really!  I felt the deepest anguish for suffering and sins, and equally intense and thorough JOY for God and Love!  I felt released from all burdens.  Any troubles that came my way were easily handled, gently and simply, with all the effort of turning a head, or a releasing a warm smile.  Perfect clarity of vision and thought.  The clarity is physiological, so much that it appears to you that colors hold more vibrancy, shapes have more defined lines, your physical vision seems to improve, and your thoughts are orderly, without confusion or forgetfulness.  Things that once were old and stale become new, exciting, and fascinating.  This kind of experience can only be found when the Spirit of God is in you, driving you, and surrounding you.  It is Heaven on Earth.  Heaven in you.  That is my goal this week.  If I do not reach it, I will try again, and again, and again.  I testify that it IS possible to reach your personal heaven now, it is not necessary to wait until after we die.  In fact, it is crucial that we do not.

Who has not found the heavn' below

Will fail of it above,

For angels rent the house next ours

Wherever we remove.

-Emily Dickenson

HEAVEN is worth any effort to get to.  The reward is worth any sacrifice!  I promise you, He promises you, IT IS WORTH IT.


It requires a pure heart, it requires a deep, yearning desire, and willingness to surrender to God every moment of every day.  It requires studying scripture intently, and avoiding any possible temptations to darken or confuse one's spirit.  Love instead of anger, humility instead of indignation, kindness and mercy instead of impatience and irritation.  To think of Christ, to focus on myself instead of judging others, reaching out to others in service and love.  


The progress forward is easily lost, just one unkind word, one surrender to impatience or irritation, any degree of entertainment of non-virtuous or impure thoughts will hamper it.  But if we are seeking constantly, to only do GOOD, we will have no desire for these things. 


I recently heard a talk given, wherein the ability of Jesus Christ to remain unspotted by sin and darkness was looked at closely.  The speaker reminded us of the scriptures all throughout the New and Old Testament, that speak of His temptations, which means he was absolutely free to choose sin (spiritual separation from God.)  Yet he did not, as we so often do.  How?  The answer is revealed in the scriptures as well.  "He went about doing good continually."  He had the intense desire to always do good.  That must be our desire as well, if we wish to follow His path.   


THIS WEEK--Today


I will seek, pray, and study during all my free time.  When I am not free to read or study or pray, I will work internally.  I will not waste any time this week.  He promises that "If ye seek me, ye shall find me."


This journey is impossible without deep humility.  I cannot say, "I am so glad I don't have THOSE problems, and I don't make THOSE mistakes!  I'm really doing pretty good compared to...(what I used to be, him or her, etc.)"  Instead I must look without blinking at my own flaws, not even thinking of others' flaws.  "I am nothing.  I am pained by my sins, and all sin in general.  I am flawed and weak.  I have no strength of my own. I could not exist without His grace and mercy. I am SO unworthy of His love, and yet he gives it freely!  My will does not matter, only His will.  My wants are meaningless, only His matter.  I do not want my wants.  I want His wants.  I am powerless against my addictions (can be TV, Internet, Food, Caffeine, you name it!)  I give up!  I, of my own free will and choice, give all I am--to HIM."  


One of the most heartfelt pleas I have heard is A Call to Anguish by David Wilkerson.  I ask you to ask yourself the questions posed there. Godly anguish is a clear first step, if we are ever to experience true joy.  I hope this will have the effect on you it did on me, to shake you out of apathy and contentment, and give you a desire to mourn for your own sins and the sins of the world.  "You allow HIM to melt and break you..."  and if you have done this before, do it again!  Do it again and again, and your heart will change within you.  You will become an instrument in His hands.  You will find a place of peace, rest, and rejoicing in Christ, which joy is always deepened by  your anguish for sin.


I do not know if any of you have been to the place I'm speaking of.  But I do know, and promise you that it is worth ANY effort you make to get there, even if you can't maintain it forever, just a small taste will be unforgettable, and you will strive your whole life to get back there.  The memory will be an anchor, a constant fixed point you can use to gauge your decisions, and take your spiritual temperature.  You will never forget, and there will be times you may say, how did I get there?  You will feel homesick for it.  You will mourn for it.  You will feel lost without it, and beg Christ to help you back there.  And when you find it again, it will be sweeter than you remembered, it will be as though you awoke from a very deep sleep, and you are now finally living!  You will rejoice with all your heart, and you will bless others beyond your imagining.


The Children Will Know, and Thank You


Perhaps the sweetest reward of arriving in the place I speak is that you will be a catalyst to your children through this journey.   Young children are so homesick for heaven, they will feel that touch of HOME immediately, and rejoice!  Their mouths will be loosed, their faces will beam with an almost visible light, joy will pour from them, as they speak things so profound you will be astonished, afraid to speak, lest you spoil the moment with your unworthy words.  
This was our experience, and it is beyond description. You will see them as wise, privy to knowledge and understanding you do not have, and it will humble you further.  It will effect them in ways they will remember for a lifetime.


click here for Heavenly Music

OH, I wish I had the words to adequately describe it--the purity, the freedom, the overpowering joy!  The sweet, sweet feeling of ultimate rest, the calm assurance, the LOVE, the cleanliness, the PEACE.  It is available to us ALL!!  We can begin TODAY.  I choose THIS day, to strive for Heaven.






"Remember that the only REAL control in life is Self-Control."

-Jeffery R. Holland

Scream-Free

I recently allowed a teenage girl to help watch my kids while I got some things done.  I was embarrassed and disturbed at how immature this girl was.  It was like a magnifying mirror being held up so I could see how I look when I act like that at times.  Whining at the kids, bossing them by raising her voice, telling them to "stop it!" constantly, getting madder and madder each time they did something she told them not to do, acting like they should obey her simply because she was bigger; all tell-tale signs of immaturity.  She is a teenager.  She's immature by nature.  What's our excuse?


The children were uncomfortable and went about pushing the limits, trying to establish some sort of boundaries.  She only saw what they were doing as a challenge to her authority, which she had never established in the first place.  She was too lazy to come up with a suitable distraction or even a consequence for doing things that were off limit, so she just raised her voice and maintained, a constant, "I'm about to lose my temper if you do that again," kind of attitude.  It's easy to see the flaw in someone else, harder to see in ourselves.  One of my favorite posts,  Response-Ability, draws a line between being Responsible, and Response-able.  Both attributes go hand in hand.  How do I respond when children want to exercise their own will?  How do I go about motivating them to be responsible? Do I just boss them around?  When I'm lazy, do I act like that immature teenage girl?  


I told the girl at one point, "anything that gets an emotional rise out of you, they will do over and over again."  Yet she still used her emotions to scold and try to control them negatively.  Then I asked myself, 'do I do that?'  'Do I listen to my own advice?'  I am so annoyed with this girl, but is it because I see myself in her?  Is it really myself I'm irritated with?  


I noticed that she would whip them up into a frenzy, being wild and encouraging them to run and scream , for about 5 minutes, and then she was done, and would then go about pushing them away, and yelling at them for taking it too far, as children always do.  She couldn't seem to keep on an even keel at all, and so neither could they.  By the end of the evening, my children were emotionally exhausted and frustrated.  My daughter acted out the whole time, with a smile on her face, and then when we got in the car, she burst into tears.  She needed the calm, controlled, security of someone she could trust.  


Needless to say, teenagers are not going to be babysitting my kids anymore, even if I'm in the room.  I am more determined than ever to be the emotional rock in my home, so that the children can not move me.  I am in control of myself, and they can count on me.  If I feel strongly about something, I will control that feeling so that I express it in a constructive way, not just explode when my "buttons are pushed" or other nonsense.  


"Button Pushing" is my current pet peeve.  It really 'pushes my buttons' when someone tells me someone is 'pushing their buttons!'  Stop letting people control you!  You are powerful enough to choose your own reactions!  I can CHOOSE to bless someone who is cursing me.  I can CHOOSE to show kindness when someone else is showing contempt.  I can lower my voice when someone else is raising their voice.  I can feel love for someone who is seething with hate.  I CAN CHOOSE to smile warmly when someone is scowling or glaring at me.  It is possible with all relationships, but it is especially crucial when dealing with children.  When they are out of control they desperately need an example of disciplined self-control to fall into.


I renew this goal right now.  I promise myself and my children, I will be the opposite of the immature teenager.  I will be the rock they need, and I will never allow them to be at the mercy of such insecurity again.  Cross my heart.

Rededicating Our Home

HENRY B. EYRING
First Counselor in the First Presidency
April 2010

"The best counsel for us to give young people is that they can arrive back to Heavenly Father only as they are guided and corrected by the Spirit of God. So if we are wise, we will encourage, praise, and exemplify everything which invites the companionship of the Holy Ghost. When they share with us what they are doing and feeling, we must ourselves have qualified for the Spirit. Then they will feel in our praise and our smiles the approval of God. And should we feel the need to give corrective counsel, they will feel our love and the love of God in it, not rebuke and rejection, which can permit Satan to lead them further away."

"The example they most need from us is to do what they must do. We need to pray for the gifts of the Spirit. We need to ponder in the scriptures and in the words of living prophets. We need to make plans which are not only wishes but covenants. And then we need to keep our promises to the Lord. And we need to lift others by sharing with them the blessings of the Atonement which have come in our lives."

Thomas S. Monson
October 2000


"As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield its contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book in the library of learning of our homes."

When my child emulates me, do I like what I see? Am I annoyed and embarrassed at what I see? My daughter Kaylee is the most determined of my children to become like me, and is the most defiant when it comes to obeying verbal commands. She insists that she be allowed to follow my example, not my words. Of course there are times when this causes problems, such as when she tries disciplining her brothers, using sharp knives, or using the stove. A 6-yr-old is simply not equipped to do these things. Yet she feels entitled to learn from my example. Do I use the knife carefully? Do I use the stove responsibly? Do I discipline with love?

There are many tragic times I wish I could take back my actions and words as soon as I see them repeated. So much we do is hurtful and harsh. Harshness is never ever necessary, but it is always hurtful. Let me repeat that, because it is something I've learned later in life, and it goes against what many believe, but is crucial to understand when searching for a more "peaceful way" to parent. It is NEVER ever necessary to be harsh or hurtful to anyone, least of all, children.

The strictest discipline can be done with a spirit of love and compassion, with patience and good will. We can see the children as our equals, and teach them as one equal teaching another. It is not necessary to break them. It is not helpful to waste their early childhood puffing ourselves up to be infallible, angry gods who constantly disapprove of them.

Children have tender feelings. You can't scorn a child, any child, and it not be felt deeply. They may keep a straight face, shrug it off, even smile; but your facial expression and your words will sink far down into their psyche, and they will not be able to forget your opinion of them. It will become a part of their self-talk, and it will take years of struggling for them to overcome your hurt. It only takes once. Remember? How many times have you done this to a child? How many times a day?

What can you do if, like me, you find yourself guilty of the above and want to change? We, all of us can pray fervently for help, forgiveness, and for the children we have hurt. We can struggle and cry, and ask God for the ability to feel their pain, so that we can be in no doubt of every bit of the consequences of our actions. We can beg and plead with our Heavenly Father to open our eyes, and open our hearts, and through Christ, cleanse us of the desire to hurt. We can beg that Christ will intervene, so the child will not suffer long for our sin, and we can ask for their forgiveness, and the forgiveness of our God.

We can breathe, count to ten, say a prayer, cry, or do jumping jacks to keep from losing our temper. We can strive to be example-worthy in all our actions. We can maintain hope and confidence that our children will be able to grow into their best selves, even when they make mistakes. We can look at them as the best they can become, and see in them all the goodness of God. We can correct instead of criticizing. We can feed our Spirit, and qualify and pray for the gift of Charity.

Imagine if you will, a world of Christian love. If all people in the world had Charity for one another, there would be no suffering, no war, no unfed hunger, no untreated disease. There would be no hurtful crimes of any kind, no affairs, no unwanted children, no uncared for elderly, handicapped, or mentally ill. No one would be alone. No one would yell or hit another person in anger. This is a world worth striving for. This is MY dream, and it begins with me. It begins with you. It begins with little children.

"Happiness in family lifeis most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." ~ The Family: A Proclamation to the World ~

In the Spirit

Living in the Spirit, and living without the Spirit are like living in constant day or night. It is so easy for us parents to let time pass on autopilot. Perhaps we are deeply afraid of failure? So we immerse ourselves, or maybe our kids, in constant distractions and we don't have to focus on the things that we're anxious about. TV, computer, video games,even worthy things like school work, good books, church responsibilities and activities, hobbies and social events can be distractions. These things are fine to do occasionally, some even regularly. Just be aware that if you're not paying attention, you may become distracted from the things that matter most. You may find yourself unknowingly spiraling downward spiritually, emotionally, and eventually, physically and mentally, if you do not stop and give attention to the present things that are of most importance. Your spiritual strength, your children's spiritual strength, your relationship with your spouse and children, relationships with all friends and family. But when you're living, breathing, and walking in the Spirit, you will your family's worthy activities will change from a distraction to an enrichment, and your success will be magnified, while the unworthy distractions will lose their strength of attraction.

Yesterday I spent all day going from one distraction to the next, when I decided to stop and feed my spirit. It was just about an hour before bedtime. My kids hadn't listened all day, I was discouraged, and I didn't feel like doing the laundry or other things I knew I should do. I guess I just had an off-day. But then, as my spirit was being nourished, I started to feel it. It was gradual; a slow warming, an opening of the eyes; a drink of cool water; a coming-home feeling. This occurred as I listened to a talk about finding happiness, and felt the spirit in the talk. I didn't hear all of it, but the spirit still entered the home.

I know because not only could I feel it, but my son came in and asked what I was listening to. He is only four, but he decided to listen too. He asked some questions, and suddenly, my efforts to communicate were not frustrating as they had been all day, it was easy! The words just rolled off my tongue effortlessly, because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying, I was letting the Spirit speak. My son could hear and understand, unlike earlier in the day, when he just tuned me out. Then my daughter came in. Same story. Several things I'd been trying to get through to her suddenly broke through without effort. The walls between us fell, and we were able to bask in the love and understanding we felt. My littlest one came in and it was the same experience for a third time. I'm sure many of you out there have had moments like this, when the Spirit bridges the gaps and you're amazed at how easy that was!

The truth is, it doesn't have to be a moment here or there that we have help from the Spirit. Living in the Spirit can be the norm. We can live so the off-moments are the rare ones, not the other way around. I have lived this way before, and I know I can live it again.

A Mortal Experience

Today a teacher asked a question that I've heard before, but needed to hear again.  She asked, "Do you FEEL as though you are a Human being, who occasionally has spiritual experiences, or do you FEEL as though you were a spiritual being, having a mortal experience?"

I have always heard that question as a sort of trivia question.  I always knew the right answer, so I just answered correctly, and went on.  But today I realized the question is about how we FEEL. There is no right answer!  So today this thought was heavy on my mind:  Perhaps I know better, but am I feeling like the cares and concerns of this life are all that matter?  Am I thinking about the larger picture at all?  Do I feel my own eternal spirit inside me, ancient and yearning for growth?  Do I see it in my children?

Last night I put my kids to bed.  I read them stories, I told them a scripture story, I prayed with them, and then I got ready to leave.  Kaylee was feeling insecure and asked me to stay a little longer.  I was tired, but I agreed, having a feeling she was only asking for what she needed.  She asked if we could sing a song together. ''I Know That My Savior Loves Me."  As we sang together, our voices blending, and our hearts open, we looked into each other's eyes.  We felt the spirit of that beautiful song.  I saw her singing with all her heart, as a testimony of her true belief and hope.  I admired her simple yet undying faith.  Her spirit seemed to rise and take comfort in those meaningful words.

She began to change shape before me.  First, she was a baby again, so little, so innocent, so hopeful, and then she was an angel, trusting in her God with all her heart.  I saw such purity that I was ashamed to meet her eyes.  I saw such power that I felt weak to my knees.  I forced myself to look into her eyes again.  I needed to see what was in there.  I saw such love and goodness that I wanted to hide.  I smiled lovingly into her eyes, but deep down I wanted to curl up and cry and beg her forgiveness that I ever lost patience with her.  I was ashamed that I ever didn't see her for who she really was.  I was embarrassed and sorry that I ever yelled or got irritated with such a beautiful daughter of God.  I told her what I saw.  I prayed with her right then, that she and I would help each other grow, and that as she did, that she would look to her Savior for her perfect example, and I would too.  I do not want to be the authority figure in my home anymore.  I want it to be Him.

Deepak Chopra, in his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents:
            "I was the daddy, and they were the kids.  But there have been other, rarer moments when the whole facade fell away.  I've seen my son give me a glance that said, 'Here we are again.  What an interesting game we're playing this time.' I've seen my daughter smile in such a way that I just knew she was on the verge of laughing out loud at the masks we have put on to keep our roles alive.

"In those precious glances and smiles I felt the bond of innocence, which is more powerful than love because it transcends love.  Instead of just being here as a unit with its own private triumphs and failures, every family is a communion of souls.  What we have in common isn't where we live...We are sailing the seas of immortality together--that is the real bond.  When you can see past the role playing and still act your role with love and dedication, then I believe you are truly spiritual in your approach to parenting."

He also explains, "I don't look upon spiritual law as optional--this is how the universe works as it unfolds from pure, unmanifest Being to the infinite variety of the created world."  How true that is!  This is not some gimmick to try, or some parenting tricks to use on your kids to get them to obey.  When we understand ourselves and our families in context of our spiritual roles, our lives and the part that we play comes into the correct perspective.  We, and all our associations begin to change at the core.

If you feel mortal and occasionally seek some spiritual uplift, you are not alone.  I have been the same way.  But to live in the Spirit is to feel immortal and understand that for the moment we must care for mortal things.  The two perspectives are actually opposite.

Chopra, pg. 154 " Parents are used to being the authority figures.  As such, we are above and beyond our children--smarter, more powerful, more experienced, in command of money and property.  From this position of authority, parents have been able to pass judgement, to inflict punishment, to lay down rules of right and wrong, and to do so with a clear sense of duty and purpose.
     "This book has outlined a different duty and purpose.  In this...vision, a parent isn't an authority.  You and your child are both souls; you are both embarked on the journey of soul-making.  The only difference is the roles you have chosen.  All souls are immortal; they cannot be created or destroyed.  But we choose temporary roles to play.
       "The most good you can do for yourself spiritually is to play your role as parent with total love, conviction, and purpose...This role will uplift and inspire you more than any other.  The same is true for your child...your child has decided to be a weak, vulnerable infant...And yet both of you, if you strip away the role playing, are pure souls, equal as one.  Innocence enables you to see this, to play the role yet go beyond it."

As I write this, I know there are going to be many who read this and fight against this notion.  I know there will be some who will be offended at their authority being challenged.  I get that.  I feel it too a little.  When I abdicate authority to God, I become I child too.  We, my children and me, become siblings of our Father in Heaven, striving together to become what He wants us to be.  Then my efforts to teach them become acts of Charity, not assertion of my authority.  I of myself have no authority, I am only acting in His name.

These are the thoughts that are coming to me, I feel, as answer to many prayers, in order to help me along this process of a change of heart and soul.

Step ONE:  Become my child's equal, and lead out from compassion, not pride, fear, anxiety, or selfish desire.
"All men [women and children] are created equal."
"God is no respecter of persons."

Pride is the trap easiest to fall into.

When I think of my children as immortal and eternal souls, equal to myself, the fight goes out of me.  The anger, the frustration and the need to control dissipates, while love, acceptance, wonder and innocence slip reverently in.

Thomas S. Monson quoted in October 2001: "Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of Great Britain, expressed the profound philosophy: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of the society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”


Monson continues: "There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals."


1Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the ^atemple of God, and that the^bSpirit of God dwelleth ^cin you?


I add,...and in your children? The powerful spirit I saw in my daughter can never be forgotten.  It is as though I saw God himself coming to the surface of my daughter's face.  I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magnificent.  I have never realized my own deep horror at the thought of meeting God face to face in my sinful state.  I remember with tears that moment, such beauty that I could not fully look upon it.  It is truly beyond words.  


All young children possess the capacity to reflect God himself because they are without sin.  Find it in a young child, and you too will never be the same.  

Lying Softly tell me gently, whisper lightly, ever kindly. Listen to my story young one.  You have uttered, I have wondered.  Wandering I'm searching for the innocence you sweetly plunder. Oh can you understand my hunger for the love I see you offer.  Can you feel my longing for the joy I see that shines inside you? My one--true love---my dear, small child. 'Come let me show how to dance in the winter and laugh at the clouds how they're changing the weather and see how the sun's brightly shining for you mother, and see how the grass gently blows in the summer!' How can a one so innocent and pure ever know a thing of this cruel world?   Light surrounds you, smiles abound you, wonder crowds you, beauty found you! Joy is here!  Pick it up!  And understand the love of God. Joy is here!  Place it in your heart.  And understand, the Joy of Love! Joy is here!  Pick it up!  And you will understand the Joy of God!  God is Love!

A Family Pulling Together

Sunday, a day we usually get up, rush around, leave separately for church, arrive late, and do our best to partake in the Spirit there, which eventually fulfills us and gives us a good boost to get through the coming week.  But today was different.

This morning I got up at 6am.  I prayed, and fell into daydreaming during my prayer.  10 minutes later, started over.   I was giving a lesson to the Relief Society women today, something I'd yet to do on a Sunday.  After I showered and dressed, Kevin came in, and we got to talk a little before the kids woke up.  He was also giving a lesson today for the young men, something he'd never done as well.  We both got ready, and then he spent 20 minutes giving his lesson to me, and listening to any suggestions or input I might have.  Then I quickly got the kids dressed, he made breakfast, and we all piled in the car.  In the car, Kevin called together a family prayer, and I said the prayer before we drove away.  We got to church 5 minutes early.  Kevin got to use his priesthood to bless the sacrament during the meeting, and I was able to bear my testimony, as it was fast and testimony Sunday.  I told of how thankful I was for a husband who loved kids and me so much, and was worthy to lead our home in righteousness.

Both of our lessons went okay.  Nothing to brag about or that will be remembered for years to come, but we were happy that we fulfilled our responsibilities anyway.  We were blessed.

The kids were well behaved all day.  We cooked all our food at home.  We were happy and patient with one another.  We had no fights, no complaints, no whining, and no tension.  We cleaned together a little, did a little laundry, watched some good shows, laughed a little, and hugged a lot.

Kevin said our family prayer tonight.  Even though the kids were climbing on his back at the time, I felt the spirit of his prayer, and felt the Lord's love in our home.  He, The Lord, was helping us, and pleased with us today.

Living and loving the Gospel as a family just feels so good.  I keep saying, "today" because of course, not every day is so peaceful here.  But we "celebrate progress, not perfection."  I give thanks to the Lord today for the Gospel that gives me a greater love for my husband and children, and Jesus Christ, who helps us improve every day.

"The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children might be happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood."
President Boyd K. Packer, May 2010 Ensign, "The Power of the Priesthood" p.7

The More We Know of Jesus

“The more we know of Jesus, the more we will love Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will trust Him. The more we know of Jesus, the more we will want to be like Him and to be with Him by becoming the manner of men and women that He wishes us to be,  while living now ‘after the manner of happiness’.”

Neal A. Maxwell, "Plow in Hope," Liahona, July 2001, 7

Dear Mother,

Sunday morning, I woke up early prayed, read scriptures, and got myself and the kids bathed, dressed, fed and in the car.  I made Kevin some toast and woke him up by giving him breakfast in bed.  I told him I loved him, and missed him.  He glowed and smiled in a way I hadn't seen in awhile.  I was feeling spiritual, and I stayed calm and spoke to the kids with the Holy Ghost as a conduit, so they listened.  Through every obstacle, like Kaylee refusing to wear shoes, we sailed through it, the Holy Spirit and I, and we kept my focus on the eternal perspective.  We got to church about 5 minutes early. 

Soft Answers

I didn't fret or let my light be diminished about whether or not Kevin would show up to church.  I only felt love for him, not even a smidge of resentment or judging him harshly.  Sacrament meeting was about---not judging others.  I did have to take the baby out several times.  We are not perfect, after all.  At one point the kids were fighting over the only toy we brought in.  I took it and them out to the car. I put it in the car, hugged them, and said we were at church to feel Jesus's love in our hearts, not fight over toys.  They seemed resigned.  

Kendon found that seeing other babies in the hallway was much more interesting than sacrament meeting, and kept pulling on me as I sat down again in Sacrament meeting, and saying, "Get UP!"  I held him close and rocked him, and whispered that I loved him.  Eventually he settled down and I was able to sit through the remainder of the meeting.

Rewards for staying Calm

Kendon went to nursery, climbed into a chair and sat with his arms folded.  It was amazing.  Usually he cries and hangs on me, or at least whimpers, and I have to sneak out while he's distracted.  Not today.  He looked straight at me, and smiled as he folded his arms reverently as I left.  In fact all the nursery kids were sitting in their seats instead of playing with toys.  They have some really good teachers, and I also believe the little ones can feel the Spirit.  

Instead of Reacting out of Anxiety, Using the Holy Ghost

The second hour of church, Kaylee was really struggling, and wouldn't go in to primary.  (It was a difficult morning for her.)  She looked really tired, or sad, like she was stuffing down some feelings.  I looked at her with spiritual eyes, and could see something was bothering her.  I sat down on the floor with her in the hallway, and asked in a calm voice what was going on. 

She finally muttered that she had a bad dream last night.  I asked if she wanted to talk about it.  She shook her head no.  Never before has she declined to tell me a dream.  She usually loves to go on and on and imbelish her dreams, even the bad ones.  I tried to get some details from her, and got out of her that she was hurt in her dream.  She lay her head on my lap and stared into the distance, looking very sober and sad.  I prayed silently.  I told her that no matter what, Mommy would always love her, and that Heavenly Father and Jesus love her and are watching her.  I told her she was just a little girl, and shouldn't need to worry about anything.  No matter what, me, or daddy, or another grown-up like Sister Sunny would make sure everything will be okay.  

She looked up and saw a picture of Samuel the Lamanite.  She asked about it.  I told her the story.  She asked over and over how Heavenly Father protected him from getting hurt.  I told her that Heavenly Father wouldn't let Samuel be killed because he still had work to do for Heavenly Father.  I told her that none of us can die until our work is finished.  After we've finished our jobs to do for Heavenly Father, He may let us die, and that's okay, because he will take us to be with him.  I said that as long as we stay close to Jesus Christ, He will take care of our spirits, and our hearts.  We won't be scared, or alone, because He will be with us, just like He was with Samuel.  We don't have to worry about if our body gets hurt as long as Jesus is taking care of our spirits.  We got up then, and went into my Sunday School class.  Kaylee told me after we got in that she felt better and was ready to go to primary.  She left her shoes with me, and went.  I let go of the need to keep up appearances, put her shoes in my purse, and went to Sunday School.

Refusing to be Embarrassed  

After church, I met with three women I'd asked to participate in a Relief Society activity.  We had a meeting about what I've asked them to do, and all of us felt the spirit.  All of them saw this a an opportunity to grow, and as we basked in the spirit, the kids ran in and were being rowdy.  I quietly shooed the kids out, without losing my temper, and told the women that I had read words of prophets saying that it is possible to feel the spirit even when little children are being loud and rowdy, but if an adult loses patience with the children, the spirit departs.  They all agreed, and we spoke of how precious children are.  I told them that the most spiritual event in my life by far happened with kids literally running and screaming all over the house.  I felt that truth fill my soul, and they felt it too.

My kids came back in and were being irreverent, and running, but the spirit still did not depart.  Eventually, the kids mellowed out a little, as we stayed calm.  One of the sisters spoke of how she never grounded or sent her kids to their room.  She said that she instead had them sit at the kitchen table until the bad feelings went away.  She said it helped both of them, because they were still around eachother, and when they are alone, they just stewed and the bad feelings get worse.  Her kids all turned out well, and are now parents and have told her that they never wanted to rebel because she treated them like they were angels and they couldn't bear to disappoint her.  I told her I wanted to try that, because I lock my kids in their room, and they hate it and I hate it.  Another said that her parents were the same way.  They treated her as though she were an angel, the light of their life, and she never wanted to disappoint them.  I felt like I needed to learn from them, and use their insight in my own parenting.  Kids have missions from Heavenly Father.  If I keep the spirit in our home, they can feel what missions they are to perform.  

Tough Love Can Still be Soft Love

The kids were wild because they were hungry.  We got home and I made some lunch.   We cheered when we saw Kevin, and ran and hugged him.  Kevin had a headache, and was not feeling well, but he felt loved, and was happy to see us, and came up and ate lunch at the table with us.  (Though the reason he didn't come to church was because I was not there to tell him where his good pants were, which tells you how behind I am on the laundry.  I don't take responsibility for his choice, but I do see I can be accountable for my part.)  

Kaylee complained that she wanted cereal instead of homemade burritos.  I didn't let her move me, and refused to give her cereal, but in a calm, cheerful way.  I told her later, with love in my heart, that the reason she doesn't get to chose her food all the time, is because she's still a little kid, and she doesn't always understand about food.  Grown-ups know more about food and our bodies, and what our bodies need to stay healthy.  I said I need to choose her food until she's a grown-up and will know enough about things to choose her own food.  I of course try to teach her about nutrition, but it's a work in progress.  She tried only one more time to sneak into the cereal, and I, still with love in my heart, allowed only Peter to eat the cereal, because he had eaten his burrito.  I cheerfully told her that when she ate some healthy food, she could have a little bit of the sugar food.  I explained that she must eat more healthy than sugar foods. (The burrito, was ground up kidney beans with black beans and cheese mixed in, wrapped in a tortilla.  It was pretty darn healthy.)  She had this look of happiness on her face, even as I took the cereal away.  They love it when I stay calm AND keep my promises.

Soft LOVE

Kevin had a migraine.  He was miserable, and asked me to sit with him.  I told the kids that daddy had a headache, and we needed to be quiet, and I sat with Kevin that afternoon, and read scriptures while he slept or moaned. I brought him water, a cold pack for his head.  The kids were very good and quiet, and left him alone.  At one point, I heard Kaylee tell Peter, "Daddy is very sick, Peter, you have to be quiet....He's probably dead."  I assured them that Daddy would be okay.  

The Root of 'Discipline' is 'Disciple'

The kids started arguing over some trains.  Kaylee has been feeling extra protective of Kendon lately, and thought she was defending him, and was mad at Peter, who was hogging the trains saying, "I want to play all by myself!"  I followed the prompting of the Spirit.  Kaylee kept telling me, "Mom, will you please just pack up the trains, Peter isn't sharing with Kendon."  But I said no, I wanted them to practice playing together.  After several attempts of letting them work it out on their own, I had to go intercede.  

I took Peter in my arms, and rocked him.  I spoke gently of Heavenly Father's love for him, and my love for him.  I told him about his brother and sister, and how much they love him.  I explained that when Kendon tries to take toys from him, it's not because he's trying to steal them, it's because he wants to play with him.  I said, "Peter, Kendon wants to be your best buddy.  Can you be his best buddy?"  We talked a little about how to play together, and Peter was still whiney and unreceptive.  But then Kaylee and Kendon came over, and started handing trains to him, and I praised them, and told Peter, "you see?  Kendon loves you way more than that train.  Kaylee loves you more than that train too!  Pretty soon, Peter was sharing back, and I praised him, and said, "see?  you love them much more than trains!  We all love to be a happy family, more than we love toys, don't we?"  All the kids agreed, and each of the kids ran and hugged me, and told me they loved me so much.  After that, they played well together, and eventually lost interest in the trains, and focused on eachother. 

At the End of the Day

I tidied up and put in some of Kevin's clothes to wash for the next morning.  I noticed at 11pm that he had no socks for the next day.  So I stayed up late washing laundry.  I set out his clothes for the morning, because he'd told me he had extra work to do in the morning, and I knew he would be pressed for time.  So at 2am, I had all his clothes, including socks, set out for him.  It felt like the perfect end of the perfect day.