I recently allowed a teenage girl to help watch my kids while I got some things done. I was embarrassed and disturbed at how immature this girl was. It was like a magnifying mirror being held up so I could see how I look when I act like that at times. Whining at the kids, bossing them by raising her voice, telling them to "stop it!" constantly, getting madder and madder each time they did something she told them not to do, acting like they should obey her simply because she was bigger; all tell-tale signs of immaturity. She is a teenager. She's immature by nature. What's our excuse?
The children were uncomfortable and went about pushing the limits, trying to establish some sort of boundaries. She only saw what they were doing as a challenge to her authority, which she had never established in the first place. She was too lazy to come up with a suitable distraction or even a consequence for doing things that were off limit, so she just raised her voice and maintained, a constant, "I'm about to lose my temper if you do that again," kind of attitude. It's easy to see the flaw in someone else, harder to see in ourselves. One of my favorite posts, Response-Ability, draws a line between being Responsible, and Response-able. Both attributes go hand in hand. How do I respond when children want to exercise their own will? How do I go about motivating them to be responsible? Do I just boss them around? When I'm lazy, do I act like that immature teenage girl?
I told the girl at one point, "anything that gets an emotional rise out of you, they will do over and over again." Yet she still used her emotions to scold and try to control them negatively. Then I asked myself, 'do I do that?' 'Do I listen to my own advice?' I am so annoyed with this girl, but is it because I see myself in her? Is it really myself I'm irritated with?
I noticed that she would whip them up into a frenzy, being wild and encouraging them to run and scream , for about 5 minutes, and then she was done, and would then go about pushing them away, and yelling at them for taking it too far, as children always do. She couldn't seem to keep on an even keel at all, and so neither could they. By the end of the evening, my children were emotionally exhausted and frustrated. My daughter acted out the whole time, with a smile on her face, and then when we got in the car, she burst into tears. She needed the calm, controlled, security of someone she could trust.
Needless to say, teenagers are not going to be babysitting my kids anymore, even if I'm in the room. I am more determined than ever to be the emotional rock in my home, so that the children can not move me. I am in control of myself, and they can count on me. If I feel strongly about something, I will control that feeling so that I express it in a constructive way, not just explode when my "buttons are pushed" or other nonsense.
"Button Pushing" is my current pet peeve. It really 'pushes my buttons' when someone tells me someone is 'pushing their buttons!' Stop letting people control you! You are powerful enough to choose your own reactions! I can CHOOSE to bless someone who is cursing me. I can CHOOSE to show kindness when someone else is showing contempt. I can lower my voice when someone else is raising their voice. I can feel love for someone who is seething with hate. I CAN CHOOSE to smile warmly when someone is scowling or glaring at me. It is possible with all relationships, but it is especially crucial when dealing with children. When they are out of control they desperately need an example of disciplined self-control to fall into.
I renew this goal right now. I promise myself and my children, I will be the opposite of the immature teenager. I will be the rock they need, and I will never allow them to be at the mercy of such insecurity again. Cross my heart.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Rededicating Our Home
HENRY B. EYRING
First Counselor in the First Presidency
April 2010
"The best counsel for us to give young people is that they can arrive back to Heavenly Father only as they are guided and corrected by the Spirit of God. So if we are wise, we will encourage, praise, and exemplify everything which invites the companionship of the Holy Ghost. When they share with us what they are doing and feeling, we must ourselves have qualified for the Spirit. Then they will feel in our praise and our smiles the approval of God. And should we feel the need to give corrective counsel, they will feel our love and the love of God in it, not rebuke and rejection, which can permit Satan to lead them further away."
"The example they most need from us is to do what they must do. We need to pray for the gifts of the Spirit. We need to ponder in the scriptures and in the words of living prophets. We need to make plans which are not only wishes but covenants. And then we need to keep our promises to the Lord. And we need to lift others by sharing with them the blessings of the Atonement which have come in our lives."
Thomas S. Monson
October 2000
"As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield its contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book in the library of learning of our homes."
When my child emulates me, do I like what I see? Am I annoyed and embarrassed at what I see? My daughter Kaylee is the most determined of my children to become like me, and is the most defiant when it comes to obeying verbal commands. She insists that she be allowed to follow my example, not my words. Of course there are times when this causes problems, such as when she tries disciplining her brothers, using sharp knives, or using the stove. A 6-yr-old is simply not equipped to do these things. Yet she feels entitled to learn from my example. Do I use the knife carefully? Do I use the stove responsibly? Do I discipline with love? 
There are many tragic times I wish I could take back my actions and words as soon as I see them repeated. So much we do is hurtful and harsh. Harshness is never ever necessary, but it is always hurtful. Let me repeat that, because it is something I've learned later in life, and it goes against what many believe, but is crucial to understand when searching for a more "peaceful way" to parent. It is NEVER ever necessary to be harsh or hurtful to anyone, least of all, children. The strictest discipline can be done with a spirit of love and compassion, with patience and good will. We can see the children as our equals, and teach them as one equal teaching another. It is not necessary to break them. It is not helpful to waste their early childhood puffing ourselves up to be infallible, angry gods who constantly disapprove of them.
What can you do if, like me, you find yourself guilty of the above and want to change? We, all of us can pray fervently for help, forgiveness, and for the children we have hurt. We can struggle and cry, and ask God for the ability to feel their pain, so that we can be in no doubt of every bit of the consequences of our actions. We can beg and plead with our Heavenly Father to open our eyes, and open our hearts, and through Christ, cleanse us of the desire to hurt. We can beg that Christ will intervene, so the child will not suffer long for our sin, and we can ask for their forgiveness, and the forgiveness of our God.
We can breathe, count to ten, say a prayer, cry, or do jumping jacks to keep from losing our temper. We can strive to be example-worthy in all our actions. We can maintain hope and confidence that our children will be able to grow into their best selves, even when they make mistakes. We can look at them as the best they can become, and see in them all the goodness of God. We can correct instead of criticizing. We can feed our Spirit, and qualify and pray for the gift of Charity.
Imagine if you will, a world of Christian love. If all people in the world had Charity for one another, there would be no suffering, no war, no unfed hunger, no untreated disease. There would be no hurtful crimes of any kind, no affairs, no unwanted children, no uncared for elderly, handicapped, or mentally ill. No one would be alone. No one would yell or hit another person in anger. This is a world worth striving for. This is MY dream, and it begins with me. It begins with you. It begins with little children.
"Happiness in family lifeis most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities." ~ The Family: A Proclamation to the World ~
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
In the Spirit
Living in the Spirit, and living without the Spirit are like living in constant day or night. It is so easy for us parents to let time pass on autopilot. Perhaps we are deeply afraid of failure? So we immerse ourselves, or maybe our kids, in constant distractions and we don't have to focus on the things that we're anxious about. TV, computer, video games,even worthy things like school work, good books, church responsibilities and activities, hobbies and social events can be distractions. These things are fine to do occasionally, some even regularly. Just be aware that if you're not paying attention, you may become distracted from the things that matter most. You may find yourself unknowingly spiraling downward spiritually, emotionally, and eventually, physically and mentally, if you do not stop and give attention to the present things that are of most importance. Your spiritual strength, your children's spiritual strength, your relationship with your spouse and children, relationships with all friends and family. But when you're living, breathing, and walking in the Spirit, you will your family's worthy activities will change from a distraction to an enrichment, and your success will be magnified, while the unworthy distractions will lose their strength of attraction.
Yesterday I spent all day going from one distraction to the next, when I decided to stop and feed my spirit. It was just about an hour before bedtime. My kids hadn't listened all day, I was discouraged, and I didn't feel like doing the laundry or other things I knew I should do. I guess I just had an off-day. But then, as my spirit was being nourished, I started to feel it. It was gradual; a slow warming, an opening of the eyes; a drink of cool water; a coming-home feeling. This occurred as I listened to a talk about finding happiness, and felt the spirit in the talk. I didn't hear all of it, but the spirit still entered the home.
I know because not only could I feel it, but my son came in and asked what I was listening to. He is only four, but he decided to listen too. He asked some questions, and suddenly, my efforts to communicate were not frustrating as they had been all day, it was easy! The words just rolled off my tongue effortlessly, because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying, I was letting the Spirit speak. My son could hear and understand, unlike earlier in the day, when he just tuned me out. Then my daughter came in. Same story. Several things I'd been trying to get through to her suddenly broke through without effort. The walls between us fell, and we were able to bask in the love and understanding we felt. My littlest one came in and it was the same experience for a third time. I'm sure many of you out there have had moments like this, when the Spirit bridges the gaps and you're amazed at how easy that was!
The truth is, it doesn't have to be a moment here or there that we have help from the Spirit. Living in the Spirit can be the norm. We can live so the off-moments are the rare ones, not the other way around. I have lived this way before, and I know I can live it again.
Monday, December 20, 2010
A Mortal Experience
Today a teacher asked a question that I've heard before, but needed to hear again. She asked, "Do you FEEL as though you are a Human being, who occasionally has spiritual experiences, or do you FEEL as though you were a spiritual being, having a mortal experience?"
I have always heard that question as a sort of trivia question. I always knew the right answer, so I just answered correctly, and went on. But today I realized the question is about how we FEEL. There is no right answer! So today this thought was heavy on my mind: Perhaps I know better, but am I feeling like the cares and concerns of this life are all that matter? Am I thinking about the larger picture at all? Do I feel my own eternal spirit inside me, ancient and yearning for growth? Do I see it in my children?
Last night I put my kids to bed. I read them stories, I told them a scripture story, I prayed with them, and then I got ready to leave. Kaylee was feeling insecure and asked me to stay a little longer. I was tired, but I agreed, having a feeling she was only asking for what she needed. She asked if we could sing a song together. ''I Know That My Savior Loves Me." As we sang together, our voices blending, and our hearts open, we looked into each other's eyes. We felt the spirit of that beautiful song. I saw her singing with all her heart, as a testimony of her true belief and hope. I admired her simple yet undying faith. Her spirit seemed to rise and take comfort in those meaningful words.
She began to change shape before me. First, she was a baby again, so little, so innocent, so hopeful, and then she was an angel, trusting in her God with all her heart. I saw such purity that I was ashamed to meet her eyes. I saw such power that I felt weak to my knees. I forced myself to look into her eyes again. I needed to see what was in there. I saw such love and goodness that I wanted to hide. I smiled lovingly into her eyes, but deep down I wanted to curl up and cry and beg her forgiveness that I ever lost patience with her. I was ashamed that I ever didn't see her for who she really was. I was embarrassed and sorry that I ever yelled or got irritated with such a beautiful daughter of God. I told her what I saw. I prayed with her right then, that she and I would help each other grow, and that as she did, that she would look to her Savior for her perfect example, and I would too. I do not want to be the authority figure in my home anymore. I want it to be Him.
Deepak Chopra, in his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents:
"I was the daddy, and they were the kids. But there have been other, rarer moments when the whole facade fell away. I've seen my son give me a glance that said, 'Here we are again. What an interesting game we're playing this time.' I've seen my daughter smile in such a way that I just knew she was on the verge of laughing out loud at the masks we have put on to keep our roles alive.
"In those precious glances and smiles I felt the bond of innocence, which is more powerful than love because it transcends love. Instead of just being here as a unit with its own private triumphs and failures, every family is a communion of souls. What we have in common isn't where we live...We are sailing the seas of immortality together--that is the real bond. When you can see past the role playing and still act your role with love and dedication, then I believe you are truly spiritual in your approach to parenting."
He also explains, "I don't look upon spiritual law as optional--this is how the universe works as it unfolds from pure, unmanifest Being to the infinite variety of the created world." How true that is! This is not some gimmick to try, or some parenting tricks to use on your kids to get them to obey. When we understand ourselves and our families in context of our spiritual roles, our lives and the part that we play comes into the correct perspective. We, and all our associations begin to change at the core.
If you feel mortal and occasionally seek some spiritual uplift, you are not alone. I have been the same way. But to live in the Spirit is to feel immortal and understand that for the moment we must care for mortal things. The two perspectives are actually opposite.
Chopra, pg. 154 " Parents are used to being the authority figures. As such, we are above and beyond our children--smarter, more powerful, more experienced, in command of money and property. From this position of authority, parents have been able to pass judgement, to inflict punishment, to lay down rules of right and wrong, and to do so with a clear sense of duty and purpose.
"This book has outlined a different duty and purpose. In this...vision, a parent isn't an authority. You and your child are both souls; you are both embarked on the journey of soul-making. The only difference is the roles you have chosen. All souls are immortal; they cannot be created or destroyed. But we choose temporary roles to play.
"The most good you can do for yourself spiritually is to play your role as parent with total love, conviction, and purpose...This role will uplift and inspire you more than any other. The same is true for your child...your child has decided to be a weak, vulnerable infant...And yet both of you, if you strip away the role playing, are pure souls, equal as one. Innocence enables you to see this, to play the role yet go beyond it."
As I write this, I know there are going to be many who read this and fight against this notion. I know there will be some who will be offended at their authority being challenged. I get that. I feel it too a little. When I abdicate authority to God, I become I child too. We, my children and me, become siblings of our Father in Heaven, striving together to become what He wants us to be. Then my efforts to teach them become acts of Charity, not assertion of my authority. I of myself have no authority, I am only acting in His name.
These are the thoughts that are coming to me, I feel, as answer to many prayers, in order to help me along this process of a change of heart and soul.
Step ONE: Become my child's equal, and lead out from compassion, not pride, fear, anxiety, or selfish desire.
"All men [women and children] are created equal."
"God is no respecter of persons."
Pride is the trap easiest to fall into.
When I think of my children as immortal and eternal souls, equal to myself, the fight goes out of me. The anger, the frustration and the need to control dissipates, while love, acceptance, wonder and innocence slip reverently in.
Thomas S. Monson quoted in October 2001: "Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of Great Britain, expressed the profound philosophy: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of the society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”
Monson continues: "There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals."
1Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the atemple of God, and that thebSpirit of God dwelleth cin you?
I add,...and in your children? The powerful spirit I saw in my daughter can never be forgotten. It is as though I saw God himself coming to the surface of my daughter's face. I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magnificent. I have never realized my own deep horror at the thought of meeting God face to face in my sinful state. I remember with tears that moment, such beauty that I could not fully look upon it. It is truly beyond words.
All young children possess the capacity to reflect God himself because they are without sin. Find it in a young child, and you too will never be the same.
I have always heard that question as a sort of trivia question. I always knew the right answer, so I just answered correctly, and went on. But today I realized the question is about how we FEEL. There is no right answer! So today this thought was heavy on my mind: Perhaps I know better, but am I feeling like the cares and concerns of this life are all that matter? Am I thinking about the larger picture at all? Do I feel my own eternal spirit inside me, ancient and yearning for growth? Do I see it in my children?
Last night I put my kids to bed. I read them stories, I told them a scripture story, I prayed with them, and then I got ready to leave. Kaylee was feeling insecure and asked me to stay a little longer. I was tired, but I agreed, having a feeling she was only asking for what she needed. She asked if we could sing a song together. ''I Know That My Savior Loves Me." As we sang together, our voices blending, and our hearts open, we looked into each other's eyes. We felt the spirit of that beautiful song. I saw her singing with all her heart, as a testimony of her true belief and hope. I admired her simple yet undying faith. Her spirit seemed to rise and take comfort in those meaningful words.
Deepak Chopra, in his book, The Seven Spiritual Laws for Parents:
"I was the daddy, and they were the kids. But there have been other, rarer moments when the whole facade fell away. I've seen my son give me a glance that said, 'Here we are again. What an interesting game we're playing this time.' I've seen my daughter smile in such a way that I just knew she was on the verge of laughing out loud at the masks we have put on to keep our roles alive.
"In those precious glances and smiles I felt the bond of innocence, which is more powerful than love because it transcends love. Instead of just being here as a unit with its own private triumphs and failures, every family is a communion of souls. What we have in common isn't where we live...We are sailing the seas of immortality together--that is the real bond. When you can see past the role playing and still act your role with love and dedication, then I believe you are truly spiritual in your approach to parenting."
He also explains, "I don't look upon spiritual law as optional--this is how the universe works as it unfolds from pure, unmanifest Being to the infinite variety of the created world." How true that is! This is not some gimmick to try, or some parenting tricks to use on your kids to get them to obey. When we understand ourselves and our families in context of our spiritual roles, our lives and the part that we play comes into the correct perspective. We, and all our associations begin to change at the core.
If you feel mortal and occasionally seek some spiritual uplift, you are not alone. I have been the same way. But to live in the Spirit is to feel immortal and understand that for the moment we must care for mortal things. The two perspectives are actually opposite.
Chopra, pg. 154 " Parents are used to being the authority figures. As such, we are above and beyond our children--smarter, more powerful, more experienced, in command of money and property. From this position of authority, parents have been able to pass judgement, to inflict punishment, to lay down rules of right and wrong, and to do so with a clear sense of duty and purpose.
"This book has outlined a different duty and purpose. In this...vision, a parent isn't an authority. You and your child are both souls; you are both embarked on the journey of soul-making. The only difference is the roles you have chosen. All souls are immortal; they cannot be created or destroyed. But we choose temporary roles to play.
"The most good you can do for yourself spiritually is to play your role as parent with total love, conviction, and purpose...This role will uplift and inspire you more than any other. The same is true for your child...your child has decided to be a weak, vulnerable infant...And yet both of you, if you strip away the role playing, are pure souls, equal as one. Innocence enables you to see this, to play the role yet go beyond it."As I write this, I know there are going to be many who read this and fight against this notion. I know there will be some who will be offended at their authority being challenged. I get that. I feel it too a little. When I abdicate authority to God, I become I child too. We, my children and me, become siblings of our Father in Heaven, striving together to become what He wants us to be. Then my efforts to teach them become acts of Charity, not assertion of my authority. I of myself have no authority, I am only acting in His name.
These are the thoughts that are coming to me, I feel, as answer to many prayers, in order to help me along this process of a change of heart and soul.
Step ONE: Become my child's equal, and lead out from compassion, not pride, fear, anxiety, or selfish desire.
"All men [women and children] are created equal."
"God is no respecter of persons."
Pride is the trap easiest to fall into.
When I think of my children as immortal and eternal souls, equal to myself, the fight goes out of me. The anger, the frustration and the need to control dissipates, while love, acceptance, wonder and innocence slip reverently in.
Thomas S. Monson quoted in October 2001: "Mrs. Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of Great Britain, expressed the profound philosophy: “The family is the building block of society. It is a nursery, a school, a hospital, a leisure center, a place of refuge and a place of rest. It encompasses the whole of the society. It fashions our beliefs; it is the preparation for the rest of our life.”
Monson continues: "There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live influence not only the success of our earthly journey; they mark the way to our eternal goals."
1Corinthians 3:16 Know ye not that ye are the atemple of God, and that thebSpirit of God dwelleth cin you?
I add,...and in your children? The powerful spirit I saw in my daughter can never be forgotten. It is as though I saw God himself coming to the surface of my daughter's face. I have never seen anything so beautiful, so wonderful, and so magnificent. I have never realized my own deep horror at the thought of meeting God face to face in my sinful state. I remember with tears that moment, such beauty that I could not fully look upon it. It is truly beyond words. All young children possess the capacity to reflect God himself because they are without sin. Find it in a young child, and you too will never be the same.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Response-Ability
An ear can break a human heart
As quickly as a spear,
We wish the ear had not a heart
So dangerously near.
-Emily Dickinson
Tonight I wanted to say a family prayer, read some scriptures with the kids, and tuck them into their beds. In my naivety, I usually imagine they want that too, because they want a perfect, happy existence as I do, right? But often, like tonight, they don't want to think about the greater good or how stopping what they're doing in order to study and pray will help them learn self-control and greater joy in the long-run. Sometimes they're hyped up on sugar, or their minds are running too fast, and they want and need to work off their energy both mental and physical. Those are often the times when I find myself the most tired, and aching for some closure on the day's work.
"It's time for prayer, then we can read a story and go to bed."
"But we want to read a story now."
"No, we pray first. It's on our list. Prayer, then a story."
(Kids continue to walk around, looking for books to look at. I start to lose my composure, and I become impatient as my fatigue sets in. Kendon wants to nurse, and I just want to pray.)
So I try a little louder,
"Come ON...PRAYER TIME. Who's ready? I'm counting to 5 and then you lose your story if you aren't ready for prayer; 1...2...3...4...5... Are you ready? Okay I'll give you one more try, and then I'm out of here."
(Kids come and kneel down. I begin to offer a heartfelt prayer. In the middle of it, the kids get up again, and look for books. As the last straw has fallen, I get up and storm out of the room, saying nothing but, "I'm done.")
Privately, in my room, I begin the work of quenching the inner fire. I must not allow a prayer to become a battle of wills. I must not allow my children to determine my level of spirituality. I'm tired, I'm worn, I've nothing left but a silent prayer for myself, by myself.
I lie down, nurse the baby, and begin to sing a lullaby, soothing my own chi and his. He stares up at me with his big blue eyes, trusting me, depending on me, and I feel my strength of will begin to swell, and the frustration begin to fade. I let the kids be kids, I let them be hyper a little longer, I enjoy this moment with my baby, and promise myself I will deal with the kids when I'm ready, and not before.
Later, much later, when the babe is quietly resting in his crib by my bed, I am able to deal calmly with the kids, and get them off to bed. They will not stay put. I give warnings that aren't heeded, the finally lock them in their room for 5 minutes. This is done without drama, simply consequences stemming from choices. Then I give hugs and kisses, assuring them it's in their best interests to sleep. My daughter is crying, and I smooth her hair as I tell her that I love her, and suggest to her she take the time to pray now, but I won't force it. I leave the door open as I exit. They fall asleep within minutes. This is the picture of an imperfect family, struggling to find our way as we go.
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During a trip to the Temple one month, I browsed the used book section of the church bookstore. I found a book entitled The Soft Reply, Ideas for Christlike Communication by Barlow L. Packer. I fanned through the pages, and saw that a previous owner had marked key passages, and left notes in the margins, which I love, when those are meaningful to me also. I was giddy. Something told me that this would become a very important book to me. I could hardly wait to get home and read it. It is rare, but occasionally, a book can truly change my perspective and actually help me alter myself for the better. There are a precious few books that I can say have done this for me apart from the scriptures. This is one of them.
pg. 19 [Quote by Theodore M. Burton Ensign November 1974, p.56] "Whenever you get red in the face, whenever you raise your voice, whenever you get "hot under the collar," or angry...know that the Spirit of God is leaving you and the spirit of Satan is beginning to take over. At times we may feel justified in arguing or fighting... Do not be deceived... You can recognize the Spirit of Christ within you when you speak to another or speak of another person with warm smiles instead of with a frown or scowl."
Try dissecting the above quote. Read it slowly again and again. Pay attention to each word. I like to stress the phrase, "warm smiles." He is not speaking of just any kind of smile. Not self-righteous, or triumphant smiles, not forced, hypocritical smiles--but "warm smiles." We can feel the difference, and so can anyone who sees them.
pg. 40 "Satan constantly seeks opportunities "to fan into a flame the slightest spark of discontent.1"
I learned something I had never considered before:
pg.41 "Talking out an emotion doesn't reduce it, it rehearses it." (Quoting Carol Tavris of Psychology Today)
We are told in American society that anger must be released, or it will harm our psyches. We are told that we must vent it out, or it will fester and boil within us. We're told that if we don't tell someone, either the offender or another person, that it will stay inside us permanently. Many of us can think of angry people who hold on to old wounds, and we mistakenly think that this is because they have not discussed it enough, or expressed this discontent in some way that they are unable to let it go. But prophets and scriptures tell us a different truth. The "vent your anger" lie is one of the most destructive lies that hurts humanity so many different ways. Children, Adults, and Infirm alike, all are scarred by the fire or others' ire.
Packer quotes President Brigham Young on p.41 when asked, "Had I not better let it out than to keep it rankling within me?": Young replies, "No, I will keep bad feelings under and actually smother them to death, then they are gone...This is what I call resisting the devil, and he flees from me. I strive to not speak evil, to not feel evil, and if I do, to keep it to myself until it is gone from me, and not let it pass my lips."
President Young is quoted again as saying, "If you are tried and tempted and buffeted by Satan, keep your thoughts to yourselves--keep your mouths closed...If we have light or intelligence...we will impart it; but our bad feelings we will keep to ourselves."
Satan models the temper tantrum perfectly in the book of Moses 1:19, 21, 22. He shows us the perfect example of venting anger, something Christ never practiced. "And Satan commanded saying I am the Only Begotten, Worship Me...And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook...And...Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth..."
Hold this image up to the mirror. This is Satan's way. God's way is much different.
pg. 86 "In many situations a soft reply will require you to relinquish your need to defend, or convince others of you point of view. It is so easy to lash back, but...the Savior "answered them not," and did not call down the angels of heaven to destroy His abusers...He had the power to overcome them all, but His unwavering commitment to the Atonement and the love it would demonstrate to all mankind was superior to any fleeting gratification, such as we ourselves might have enjoyed from taking a moment to "clean house" on our accusers to preserve our ego. In the long term, it is always easier to love. It always takes more effort to clean up after a spiteful relapse."
Let me repeat that next-to-last line for emphasis. "In the long term, it is always easier to love."
Brigham Young, who overcame this very weakness with which I struggle, was quoted on p. 40 giving the advice I took this evening. "I will say, there is not a man in this house who has a more indomitable and unyielding temper than myself. But there is not a man in the world who cannot overcome his passion, if he will struggle earnestly to do so. If you find passion coming on you, go off to some place where you cannot be heard;...struggle till it leaves you; and pray for strength to overcome."
Packer explains so eloquently that it is actually taking the easiest, most effortless path to simply control ourselves rather than contend. He quotes Deepak Chopra on p.86, "When you feel frustrated or upset by a person or a situation, remember that you are not reacting to the person or situation, but to your feelings about the person or situation. These are your feelings, and your feelings are not someone else's fault. When you recognize and understand this completely, you are ready to take responsibility for how you feel and to change it...Responsibility...means the ability to have a creative response to the situation."
There are many examples of this in the scriptures, such as the Savior's response to the woman taken in adultery. Packer sites (pp. 90-92) the dramatic story of Christ sleeping in the bottom of his disciples' fishing boat when a fierce storm threatens to sink them. He is roused by his disciples, and upon his awakening, he commands the winds and the waves, "Peace, be still."
Each of us has a secret weapon against the storms that enter us when we feel our temperature rising, and our thoughts begin to turn fierce. Sleeping in the bottom of our souls, is The Son of God, and when we awaken Him, he will rise up and say to our mind and body, "Peace, be still." As we surrender our own desires and adopt the way of Christ, we will feel the power of refusing to surrender to Satan's way, and instead surrender our weakness to Christ. While Satan laughs at our weakness and relishes each scar we leave behind, Christ rewards our surrender to Him with peace, confidence, and added strength for our next trial. I testify that this is true, and is possible for me, and you.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
A Family Pulling Together
Sunday, a day we usually get up, rush around, leave separately for church, arrive late, and do our best to partake in the Spirit there, which eventually fulfills us and gives us a good boost to get through the coming week. But today was different.
This morning I got up at 6am. I prayed, and fell into daydreaming during my prayer. 10 minutes later, started over. I was giving a lesson to the Relief Society women today, something I'd yet to do on a Sunday. After I showered and dressed, Kevin came in, and we got to talk a little before the kids woke up. He was also giving a lesson today for the young men, something he'd never done as well. We both got ready, and then he spent 20 minutes giving his lesson to me, and listening to any suggestions or input I might have. Then I quickly got the kids dressed, he made breakfast, and we all piled in the car. In the car, Kevin called together a family prayer, and I said the prayer before we drove away. We got to church 5 minutes early. Kevin got to use his priesthood to bless the sacrament during the meeting, and I was able to bear my testimony, as it was fast and testimony Sunday. I told of how thankful I was for a husband who loved kids and me so much, and was worthy to lead our home in righteousness.
Both of our lessons went okay. Nothing to brag about or that will be remembered for years to come, but we were happy that we fulfilled our responsibilities anyway. We were blessed.
The kids were well behaved all day. We cooked all our food at home. We were happy and patient with one another. We had no fights, no complaints, no whining, and no tension. We cleaned together a little, did a little laundry, watched some good shows, laughed a little, and hugged a lot.
Kevin said our family prayer tonight. Even though the kids were climbing on his back at the time, I felt the spirit of his prayer, and felt the Lord's love in our home. He, The Lord, was helping us, and pleased with us today.
Living and loving the Gospel as a family just feels so good. I keep saying, "today" because of course, not every day is so peaceful here. But we "celebrate progress, not perfection." I give thanks to the Lord today for the Gospel that gives me a greater love for my husband and children, and Jesus Christ, who helps us improve every day.
"The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children might be happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood."
President Boyd K. Packer, May 2010 Ensign, "The Power of the Priesthood" p.7
This morning I got up at 6am. I prayed, and fell into daydreaming during my prayer. 10 minutes later, started over. I was giving a lesson to the Relief Society women today, something I'd yet to do on a Sunday. After I showered and dressed, Kevin came in, and we got to talk a little before the kids woke up. He was also giving a lesson today for the young men, something he'd never done as well. We both got ready, and then he spent 20 minutes giving his lesson to me, and listening to any suggestions or input I might have. Then I quickly got the kids dressed, he made breakfast, and we all piled in the car. In the car, Kevin called together a family prayer, and I said the prayer before we drove away. We got to church 5 minutes early. Kevin got to use his priesthood to bless the sacrament during the meeting, and I was able to bear my testimony, as it was fast and testimony Sunday. I told of how thankful I was for a husband who loved kids and me so much, and was worthy to lead our home in righteousness.
Both of our lessons went okay. Nothing to brag about or that will be remembered for years to come, but we were happy that we fulfilled our responsibilities anyway. We were blessed.
The kids were well behaved all day. We cooked all our food at home. We were happy and patient with one another. We had no fights, no complaints, no whining, and no tension. We cleaned together a little, did a little laundry, watched some good shows, laughed a little, and hugged a lot.
Kevin said our family prayer tonight. Even though the kids were climbing on his back at the time, I felt the spirit of his prayer, and felt the Lord's love in our home. He, The Lord, was helping us, and pleased with us today.
Living and loving the Gospel as a family just feels so good. I keep saying, "today" because of course, not every day is so peaceful here. But we "celebrate progress, not perfection." I give thanks to the Lord today for the Gospel that gives me a greater love for my husband and children, and Jesus Christ, who helps us improve every day.
"The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children might be happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood."
President Boyd K. Packer, May 2010 Ensign, "The Power of the Priesthood" p.7
Friday, July 23, 2010
Messy
Yesterday my husband told me, "I think you're a really good mother to our kids. I think they are angels, and I couldn't ask them to be better behaved. I really appreciate all you do to try to stay calm, and teach them how to be calm."
I have a confession. I messed up the other day. I had had a really long day. You other moms know how it is. There we were, driving down the interstate, and Ken was screaming, because Peter had his hands on Ken's seat, and in spite of my repeated instructions, refused to let go. I pulled over, intending to work it out, and as I repeated for the thousand and thirty first time, "Peter, put your haNDS In YOUR LAP NOWWW!!" I felt myself lose all composure, anger just shot out the top of my head as Peter, who was gripping Kendon's seat even harder, stared petrified. "NOW! NOW! NOWWWWW!!!!!" I grabbed Peter's white-knuckle hands and forced them into his lap.
Kendon started imitating me immediately with his own screams. Kaylee said, "Mommy screamed like a little kid." Peter wailed. I obviously lost some respect from all my kids in my moment of weakness.
So how does a family come back from that? I will tell you what I would have done in the past. I would have beaten myself up inside, and lost all hope of our family improving. I would have internally projected years down the road, imagining that I would never be able to overcome this yelling habit. I would be defensive outwardly, while inwardly churning in knots. I would have sought out validation by telling the story to others, often in front of the kids, making my kids out to be the bad guys. (You know you've done it.)
Kendon started imitating me immediately with his own screams. Kaylee said, "Mommy screamed like a little kid." Peter wailed. I obviously lost some respect from all my kids in my moment of weakness.
So how does a family come back from that? I will tell you what I would have done in the past. I would have beaten myself up inside, and lost all hope of our family improving. I would have internally projected years down the road, imagining that I would never be able to overcome this yelling habit. I would be defensive outwardly, while inwardly churning in knots. I would have sought out validation by telling the story to others, often in front of the kids, making my kids out to be the bad guys. (You know you've done it.)
Instead, this is how it went. I was mad. Really mad. I told the kids
"I'm sorry. I just snapped and lost my power. I'm sorry Peter. It's my job to set a good example for you, not show you how to throw a tantrum."
Still, I was mad, and it took a little while to calm down. What was it inside that had been building up to that outburst? I had been wasting energy worrying about things I couldn't control. I was not taking care of my own emotional needs, so that I was needy. I NEEDED my kids to behave so I could be at peace. I NEEDED my kids to be happy so I could be happy. I NEEDED them to behave a certain way, because I was not okay inside. So that's where my work began.
I set about trying to humble myself. I apologized to my Heavenly Father. I told Him that I needed help, and couldn't do this without Him. I apologized for forgetting to read scriptures that morning, because things like this don't usually happen when I do. I asked the Lord to help me feel anguish for my sin, and help me to repent.
I took some deep Yoga breaths, I counted to 10, prayed, cried, and sang my heart out to country music. Meanwhile, my kids were talking in the back, trying to figure out how to be the adults, since Mom apparently couldn't handle that responsibility at the moment. My daughter was becoming very bossy, attempting to take over my role, understandably. I could have lost heart. I could have given up and said, "Calm is for perfect families, and we're just not that kind of family." But I didn't think that for even a moment.
"I'm sorry. I just snapped and lost my power. I'm sorry Peter. It's my job to set a good example for you, not show you how to throw a tantrum."
Still, I was mad, and it took a little while to calm down. What was it inside that had been building up to that outburst? I had been wasting energy worrying about things I couldn't control. I was not taking care of my own emotional needs, so that I was needy. I NEEDED my kids to behave so I could be at peace. I NEEDED my kids to be happy so I could be happy. I NEEDED them to behave a certain way, because I was not okay inside. So that's where my work began.
I set about trying to humble myself. I apologized to my Heavenly Father. I told Him that I needed help, and couldn't do this without Him. I apologized for forgetting to read scriptures that morning, because things like this don't usually happen when I do. I asked the Lord to help me feel anguish for my sin, and help me to repent.
I took some deep Yoga breaths, I counted to 10, prayed, cried, and sang my heart out to country music. Meanwhile, my kids were talking in the back, trying to figure out how to be the adults, since Mom apparently couldn't handle that responsibility at the moment. My daughter was becoming very bossy, attempting to take over my role, understandably. I could have lost heart. I could have given up and said, "Calm is for perfect families, and we're just not that kind of family." But I didn't think that for even a moment.
Honesty is always the best policy, and is easy with kids after a little practice. I told them I was embarrassed that I lost my temper, and I wanted to be a better example for them. I told them I loved them and I was trying to stop feeling angry, and asked for their patience while I tried to calm myself down. The more honest and heartfelt I was, the more I could see myself rise in their estimation. I felt a warm glow begin to surround me. I felt peace begin to return.
The rest of the day I was confident, and had complete faith in my Savior, that He was helping us. There were no more incidents that day. Each time I was tempted after that, I leaned on the Lord, and He helped me pass each test.
The next morning was Sunday morning. Peter didn't want to go to church.
"It's too long." He said.
This is when it took all my tools to honestly control my anxiety. I intentionally didn't project or predict future inactivity. Instead I smiled. I sat down next to him, and put my feet up. I said,
"You know, sometimes I feel that way too. Did you know that? Sometimes I don't feel like going to church. Do you want to know why I go?"
No reply.
"Can you think about it for a minute? Why do you think I would go to church, even when I don't feel like it?" Peter answered,
"You go to church to feel Jesus in your heart. But I don't want to go to church. It's too long."
I stopped and thought for a minute. What was he really feeling inside?
"Remember how you felt yesterday when I screamed at you?" He looked down at the ground.
"How did you feel inside when I did that?" He said nothing, but I could see the shadow of the memory pass over his face as he stared more intently at the floor. My heart swelled, and I trusted in my Savior.
"Did you feel angry, hurt, and sad?" He nodded.
"I felt that way too, Peter. Did you know, that when we go to church, we can feel the Holy Ghost, and through the Holy Ghost, Jesus can reach all the way down inside of you, and take all that hurt, all that anger, all those sad feelings and pull them out--and put in happiness, love, and peace instead? Do you want Him to do that for you today?" Peter nodded.
"Heavenly Father loves us so much. Do you think he would ever get mad and yell at you like Mommy did yesterday?" Peter thought about it, and said,
"No, Heavenly Father doesn't get angry and yell."
"I really need Him today to teach me again not to yell. I need Him to help me remember how to be a happy mom. Would you like Jesus to teach me that today?"
I looked up to see Kevin smiling down at us from the door. I smiled back at him, feeling only love and warmth. Peter hugged me and said,
"I love you, Mommy."
"I love you too, Peter."
"Mommy, we better get my church clothes on! Can I wear my tie today?"
Ideally, the above conversation would have been long before time to leave, and we would have had plenty of time to get to church early. But it happened to be just as we should have been walking out the door. We got to church 30 minutes late, but when we got there, we were humble, ready to learn, and relaxed, as opposed to hurried, anxious, and irritated.
After church, Peter asked me,
"Mommy, are you a better mommy now? Did Jesus take the bad feelings out?" I answered,
"Yes! He sure did. I feel so much love in my heart, I can't even remember the angry feelings!" And it was true.
"How about you? Did Jesus take the bad feelings out for you too?"
"MmHmm. I'm happy Mommy. I love you so much. You're a very good Mommy."
"Thank you Peter, that made my whole day even better! I love you with all my heart, and I'm so sorry I was a mean to you yesterday." It reads like an after-school special, but it is true.
Sometimes it's the messy moments, when we think that someone else should probably be doing this job; when we doubt whether or not we really have it in us, and everyone is staring at our weakness; those are the true catalysts for change. It is the screw-ups and the failures that make us stop and make course corrections. It's the messy moments that sometimes can be the most important moments of our lives.
"It's too long." He said.
This is when it took all my tools to honestly control my anxiety. I intentionally didn't project or predict future inactivity. Instead I smiled. I sat down next to him, and put my feet up. I said,
"You know, sometimes I feel that way too. Did you know that? Sometimes I don't feel like going to church. Do you want to know why I go?"
No reply.
"Can you think about it for a minute? Why do you think I would go to church, even when I don't feel like it?" Peter answered,
"You go to church to feel Jesus in your heart. But I don't want to go to church. It's too long."
I stopped and thought for a minute. What was he really feeling inside?
"Remember how you felt yesterday when I screamed at you?" He looked down at the ground.
"How did you feel inside when I did that?" He said nothing, but I could see the shadow of the memory pass over his face as he stared more intently at the floor. My heart swelled, and I trusted in my Savior.
"Did you feel angry, hurt, and sad?" He nodded.
"I felt that way too, Peter. Did you know, that when we go to church, we can feel the Holy Ghost, and through the Holy Ghost, Jesus can reach all the way down inside of you, and take all that hurt, all that anger, all those sad feelings and pull them out--and put in happiness, love, and peace instead? Do you want Him to do that for you today?" Peter nodded.
"Heavenly Father loves us so much. Do you think he would ever get mad and yell at you like Mommy did yesterday?" Peter thought about it, and said,
"No, Heavenly Father doesn't get angry and yell."
"I really need Him today to teach me again not to yell. I need Him to help me remember how to be a happy mom. Would you like Jesus to teach me that today?"
I looked up to see Kevin smiling down at us from the door. I smiled back at him, feeling only love and warmth. Peter hugged me and said,
"I love you, Mommy."
"I love you too, Peter."
"Mommy, we better get my church clothes on! Can I wear my tie today?"
Ideally, the above conversation would have been long before time to leave, and we would have had plenty of time to get to church early. But it happened to be just as we should have been walking out the door. We got to church 30 minutes late, but when we got there, we were humble, ready to learn, and relaxed, as opposed to hurried, anxious, and irritated.
After church, Peter asked me,
"Mommy, are you a better mommy now? Did Jesus take the bad feelings out?" I answered,
"Yes! He sure did. I feel so much love in my heart, I can't even remember the angry feelings!" And it was true.
"How about you? Did Jesus take the bad feelings out for you too?"
"MmHmm. I'm happy Mommy. I love you so much. You're a very good Mommy."
"Thank you Peter, that made my whole day even better! I love you with all my heart, and I'm so sorry I was a mean to you yesterday." It reads like an after-school special, but it is true.
Sometimes it's the messy moments, when we think that someone else should probably be doing this job; when we doubt whether or not we really have it in us, and everyone is staring at our weakness; those are the true catalysts for change. It is the screw-ups and the failures that make us stop and make course corrections. It's the messy moments that sometimes can be the most important moments of our lives.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Attitude, Kids Cleaning, and More
Dear Mom,
Since I've been sick, I've given myself a free pass and slept in. That means I haven't read scriptures as dutifully as I ought. I still do read, but at odd times of the day it is more easily missed. Then the last two days I was upset at myself when I realized that both days I'd read to the kids, but not my personal studies. Shame on me!
I have also been on edge and cranky, and today it was probably the worst in a long time as far as my attitude toward my husband. He's been quite stand-offish for the last few weeks. He had come out of the cave he's been in. It was absolutely critical that I do not shut him down! Thankfully, the Lord did help soften my heart, and I did manage to keep my thoughts virtuous from then on.
Today the kids asked to get some of their confiscated toys back. When I realized that they've been keeping their room clean, and even Peter picked it up by himself today, I consented. I handed Peter two bins, and Kaylee got a bin, and we went to get some toys from Daddy's locked office. I said they could fill up all the bins they were carrying. Peter got two toys, which were actually two parts to the same toy, and put one in each bin. He had enjoyed some of the other toys for a minute, but chose not to put them in the bins. When I did it for him, he took them out and said, "No thank you." He said that was all he wanted, and left.
Kaylee came in, and I was certain that she was old enough to take full advantage of my offer. I started helping her out by sorting out some of the little dolls and such for her, and she spotted a few ponies. I put them in her bin, and added some princesses and misc. girlie toys in her bin. It was halfway full when she said, "Actually Mommy, I am happy with just the Ponies." Flabbergasted, I happily removed my other additions, and then with that and two fairies she found, she was finished. At bed time, there was not one toy on the floor of their room.
All I've done lately, is I've gathered up anything that's been on the floor that belongs to them, including clothes, and locked it in Daddy's office. This has given us a better idea of how many toys and clothes they can handle cleaning up on their own. It's also a consequence with some teeth, and incentive to pick things up. I did find pants and shirts stuffed in the toy bins today, and no organization at all in the bins, but I can't be too nit-picky, they are only 4 and 5, and they're picking up their room without being told!
Kaylee and Peter are so close, I sometimes feel left out! It's silly, but it can cause real problems with schooling, because they often just ignore me and go off together. I try to work with each separately, but sometimes it is impossible. I want K and P to be close, but Kaylee needs to be writing her name. Peter can hardly hold a pencil. Kaylee doesn't always think she should be held to a higher standard. She could also be reading a little, and she's not.
Kevin says it was a long hard struggle for him to learn to read, while math came much easier. So it's been with Kaylee. Math is easy. She just gets it. Same with Peter. They've both taught them selves to add and subtract with their fingers up to 5, and are working on numbers up to 10. Peter did 5 and 3 is 8 the other day! We don't do it on paper yet, per our new guidelines, but they are taking the reigns of learning it themselves. They're not waiting to be taught, they are actively learning on their own. I am only facilitating, and guiding loosely.
Overall, I feel good about our family. We have our bad moments, days, weeks, etc, but the good days outnumber and outweigh the bad days. We love each other, and are working on ourselves, and sometimes if all the stars line up right, we even work together at making our family run happily and smoothly.
I laughed when Kaylee felt so sorry for a girl in her class who only has sisters, "she doesn't have a...(she couldn't remember the word for brother) boy that lives with her that she could dance with like a prince or marry when she grows up. I guess she'll never get married. I feel so sad for her..." Sometimes when she gets very upset at Peter, she says, "I will NEVER marry you!" Then when she calms down, she changes her mind again. Though she did want to marry Kevin for awhile, then Pampa, now Peter. Ah the fickle nature of woman.
I loved reading your letter to your Mother. It reminded me of how important it is to the kids that the Gospel be important to me. It also showed me how I am the leader, like it or not, in my family, and I can't just go along, I've got to build the path and pave the way! I felt inspired to try and work harder. I have now set my alarm for 4:30am, and will repent promptly.
Love you!
Ginny Lee
Since I've been sick, I've given myself a free pass and slept in. That means I haven't read scriptures as dutifully as I ought. I still do read, but at odd times of the day it is more easily missed. Then the last two days I was upset at myself when I realized that both days I'd read to the kids, but not my personal studies. Shame on me!
I have also been on edge and cranky, and today it was probably the worst in a long time as far as my attitude toward my husband. He's been quite stand-offish for the last few weeks. He had come out of the cave he's been in. It was absolutely critical that I do not shut him down! Thankfully, the Lord did help soften my heart, and I did manage to keep my thoughts virtuous from then on.
Today the kids asked to get some of their confiscated toys back. When I realized that they've been keeping their room clean, and even Peter picked it up by himself today, I consented. I handed Peter two bins, and Kaylee got a bin, and we went to get some toys from Daddy's locked office. I said they could fill up all the bins they were carrying. Peter got two toys, which were actually two parts to the same toy, and put one in each bin. He had enjoyed some of the other toys for a minute, but chose not to put them in the bins. When I did it for him, he took them out and said, "No thank you." He said that was all he wanted, and left.
Kaylee came in, and I was certain that she was old enough to take full advantage of my offer. I started helping her out by sorting out some of the little dolls and such for her, and she spotted a few ponies. I put them in her bin, and added some princesses and misc. girlie toys in her bin. It was halfway full when she said, "Actually Mommy, I am happy with just the Ponies." Flabbergasted, I happily removed my other additions, and then with that and two fairies she found, she was finished. At bed time, there was not one toy on the floor of their room.
All I've done lately, is I've gathered up anything that's been on the floor that belongs to them, including clothes, and locked it in Daddy's office. This has given us a better idea of how many toys and clothes they can handle cleaning up on their own. It's also a consequence with some teeth, and incentive to pick things up. I did find pants and shirts stuffed in the toy bins today, and no organization at all in the bins, but I can't be too nit-picky, they are only 4 and 5, and they're picking up their room without being told!
Kaylee and Peter are so close, I sometimes feel left out! It's silly, but it can cause real problems with schooling, because they often just ignore me and go off together. I try to work with each separately, but sometimes it is impossible. I want K and P to be close, but Kaylee needs to be writing her name. Peter can hardly hold a pencil. Kaylee doesn't always think she should be held to a higher standard. She could also be reading a little, and she's not.
Kevin says it was a long hard struggle for him to learn to read, while math came much easier. So it's been with Kaylee. Math is easy. She just gets it. Same with Peter. They've both taught them selves to add and subtract with their fingers up to 5, and are working on numbers up to 10. Peter did 5 and 3 is 8 the other day! We don't do it on paper yet, per our new guidelines, but they are taking the reigns of learning it themselves. They're not waiting to be taught, they are actively learning on their own. I am only facilitating, and guiding loosely.
Overall, I feel good about our family. We have our bad moments, days, weeks, etc, but the good days outnumber and outweigh the bad days. We love each other, and are working on ourselves, and sometimes if all the stars line up right, we even work together at making our family run happily and smoothly.
I laughed when Kaylee felt so sorry for a girl in her class who only has sisters, "she doesn't have a...(she couldn't remember the word for brother) boy that lives with her that she could dance with like a prince or marry when she grows up. I guess she'll never get married. I feel so sad for her..." Sometimes when she gets very upset at Peter, she says, "I will NEVER marry you!" Then when she calms down, she changes her mind again. Though she did want to marry Kevin for awhile, then Pampa, now Peter. Ah the fickle nature of woman.
I loved reading your letter to your Mother. It reminded me of how important it is to the kids that the Gospel be important to me. It also showed me how I am the leader, like it or not, in my family, and I can't just go along, I've got to build the path and pave the way! I felt inspired to try and work harder. I have now set my alarm for 4:30am, and will repent promptly.
Love you!
Ginny Lee
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Survival vs. Thrival
To be perfectly honest, motherhood terrified me from day one. I felt the surge of motherly love toward my baby, I had read many many parenting books ahead of time, so I thought I wouldn't be scared. I thought I had it all planned out in my mind. But when I brought my little girl home from the hospital, all I could do was sit on the couch with her in my arms and cry for the next 5 hours. I felt panic and fear. I had majored in Early Childhood Ed in College, and I had been around many many little kids in my life, but I had never known the pressure--the responsibility of motherhood. That was when I turned on the survival switch in my mind, and it took me 4 years to figure out it was hurting not helping me. At the time, to help myself calm down inside, I said over and over in my mind, "Just keep her alive. Just keep her alive." Instead, I should have told myself, "Enjoy this. Enjoy her. Laugh. Have fun!"
The Survival Switch
The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it. You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum. When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode. I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children. It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.
What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:
Expect them to act out. Scream. Fight. Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine. Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them. They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work. Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.
So, what do we do?
Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!! I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that. It must have been 3-4 pages long, and that was shortened! His answer to me was simple. "Let go of pleasing everyone around you. Sit down with her. Enjoy her." Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind. I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them. The only one worthy of that burden is God.
The Specific Answer:
Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial. But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer. Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to. If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that. Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT. Change your heart. AGAIN." This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them. If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member. Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity. The same goes with God.
Have a problem? Ask this question.
Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?
It's only a decision away.
The Survival Switch
The Survival Switch is on when you figure out the minimum you need to do to stay alive and keep the children alive, and stay focused on it. You know it's on when you expect praise and applause every time you go the tiniest bit above that minimum. When you can sit for 3 hours reading a book, puttering on the computer, or talking on the phone, but can't find 15 minutes to play a game of memory with your child, you may be in parenting survival mode. I go in and out of this mode, but to the children, it's torture, especially young children. It's a battle I fight within myself, a battle I wish I'd fought several years ago before the bad thought patterns became habits.
What to expect from your children if your Survival Switch is active:
Expect them to act out. Scream. Fight. Expect them to get into things, make messes, tattle, and whine. Expect them to cry at you and hang on your legs, trying to get you to wake up mentally, and engage with them. They may try a positive approach, like talking to you, bringing a book to you, etc, but if that doesn't work, they will resort to whatever does work. Hitting, Biting, anything that triggers emotion in you, they will do it.
So, what do we do?
Well, the short answer is WAKE UP!! I wrote a letter to Kirk Martin about my daughter, unloading all my fears and concerns about her, asking how I could get her to do this, or stop doing that. It must have been 3-4 pages long, and that was shortened! His answer to me was simple. "Let go of pleasing everyone around you. Sit down with her. Enjoy her." Those last words, "Enjoy her" have repeated over and over in my mind. I have found that it is impossible to enjoy parenting if I don't unload all my worries, stresses, anxiety and concerns on one who can shoulder them. The only one worthy of that burden is God.
The Specific Answer:
Routine, traditions, self-discipline, and patience, are all crucial. But by far, the most important, in my opinion, is honest, open, heartfelt prayer. Then, with an open heart and mind, receiving answers to our individual situations, we can navigate our lives, and make the changes we need to. If waking up is what we need to do, God will help us do that. Many times I've prayed about what I should do differently, or how I can inspire so-n-so to change, or fix some problem I see, and the answer has been...REPENT. Change your heart. AGAIN." This is a life-long process for us, and our kids will bring us to our knees over and over if we let them. If we open our hearts to our Father in prayer daily, when we need to go deeper it will happen naturally, as it does when talking to a very good friend, or family member. Frequency of speaking to, and working along side a person leads to familiarity. The same goes with God.
Have a problem? Ask this question.
Have I confessed my sins, shortcomings, and weaknesses, and asked for help from my Father today?
It's only a decision away.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Do you control yourself, or does your 'self' control you?'
"This is just the way I am."
"It's the way I was raised, so..."
"This is my personality."
"I've been this way ever since I can remember. There's nothing I can do about it."
"I can't help it. I was born this way."
Have you ever uttered these phrases? I know I have. All of the above statements are excuses for complacency in unhappiness, and for us mothers, that unhappiness spreads to our children. Not sometimes, all the time. If we are simply a victim of our personalities, then we don't have to try to change, because change would be impossible.
Why don't we want to change? Why is it easier to do the same things we've always done? Is it laziness? No. There is no such thing as laziness. I am a firm believer of that, and so is Kirk Martin, my most quoted philosopher. "Lazy" is a put-down, as hurtful as "stupid" and we should never use the word to describe ourselves or anyone else. But what is the cause for lack of progress, growth, and hard work, if it's not laziness?
There can be many causes for this hiding from progression. It can be lack of vision, direction, motivation, but today I want to address the one that is often the most elusive. Safety. There is always fear, no matter how old you are, of the unknown. If none of my family or friends do things my way, I'm alone in my thinking, and it is scary. I firmly believe humans are herd animals, and it takes overcoming the herd instincts to discover our higher nature. There is a false perception of safety in a herd. We think that if we do what everyone else is doing we will be fine.
But all too often, herds are in danger and don't know it. They follow eachother off of cliffs and into high water, and wander into dangerous places where they are attacked by preditors. If we truly want to be safe, we have to rear up on our hind legs, and look out ahead to where the herd is going, and search those few sheep who've been to the edges of the clearings, and ask what they have seen. Safety is not garunteed, even then, but we will not make the same mistakes as we would have if we weren't paying attention. Think of how scary it would be for a sheep who's only looked at the ground and followed the sheep next to him, to stop and raise his head above the crowd, to see where they are going.
Can you remember being a child, lying in bed, certain there was a monster under the bed. Simply looking under the bed would have calmed your fears, but it seemed safer to simply stay put, and not move.
That is the instinct we have to overcome if we want to grow. How do we overcome those fears?
Thought patterns that portray ourselves as victims are evidence of lack of Hope. If we want joy, we must have hope. Naturally, my next question is: How do we find hope?
That is when my answer is give up.
HUH?
Want to grow. Then give up trying to force growth on yourself. Seriously. Surrender. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change yourself. Certainly that has been my experience. Sure, I could change myself for a few months, even years, but eventually, I just couldn't keep up the effort any more, and slipped back to who I used to be. The phrase "Lift yourself up by your own bootstraps" was first coined to show how impossible that is! So where does that leave us?
The only way to change is through a higher power who possesses the strength and growth we need as well as the ability to endow that upon us, and then instead of trying to change ourselves, we are acting in faith in that higher power. We do not need to believe in ourselves, only believe that something bigger than ourselves, who cares deeply, and knows all will do that which we cannot do.
So if my goal is to stop smoking, or to stop yelling, and I have tried for years and years to kick the habit, but always find myself retreating back to a percieved, false safety, the answer is to first surrender--not to the habit, but to a loving God, and admit my powerlessness.
Then, I will receive a gift that will enlarge my soul, and change my very desires down to the core. Falling off the wagon, turning back to old habits, and other retreating actions, often stem from a desire for safety. Whether it be to follow friends and family like a herd animal, or to retreat toward a habit--to do what we have always done when we felt threatened--in other words, safety in sameness, it all stems from the same basic fear.
Fear of what? I have already stated that fear of the unknown is a factor, but searching deeper still, I ask, unknown what? Often the real triggers seem hazy. Perhaps nothing happened, or our reaction to something that happened was unbalanced. So the answer is then to dig deeper. I believe the deepest core of the issue is found in the truth in this quote attributed to Nelson Mandella:
My goal this week is to rely in the arm of God when I feel threatened or scared, instead of my own base coping mechanisms. My goal is to believe in Christ when I cannot, and have proven that I cannot, believe in myself. My goal is to surrender every day to a loving God through prayer. My goal is to release my crutches, and walk in faith, not in my imperfect self, but in a Jesus Christ, my savior. I love that this works every time. HE can do what I cannot do--again and again and again, He's proven this to me, and I am learning slowly, to let all the Glory be his forever and ever, Amen.
"It's the way I was raised, so..."
"This is my personality."
"I've been this way ever since I can remember. There's nothing I can do about it."
"I can't help it. I was born this way."
Have you ever uttered these phrases? I know I have. All of the above statements are excuses for complacency in unhappiness, and for us mothers, that unhappiness spreads to our children. Not sometimes, all the time. If we are simply a victim of our personalities, then we don't have to try to change, because change would be impossible.
Why don't we want to change? Why is it easier to do the same things we've always done? Is it laziness? No. There is no such thing as laziness. I am a firm believer of that, and so is Kirk Martin, my most quoted philosopher. "Lazy" is a put-down, as hurtful as "stupid" and we should never use the word to describe ourselves or anyone else. But what is the cause for lack of progress, growth, and hard work, if it's not laziness?
There can be many causes for this hiding from progression. It can be lack of vision, direction, motivation, but today I want to address the one that is often the most elusive. Safety. There is always fear, no matter how old you are, of the unknown. If none of my family or friends do things my way, I'm alone in my thinking, and it is scary. I firmly believe humans are herd animals, and it takes overcoming the herd instincts to discover our higher nature. There is a false perception of safety in a herd. We think that if we do what everyone else is doing we will be fine.
But all too often, herds are in danger and don't know it. They follow eachother off of cliffs and into high water, and wander into dangerous places where they are attacked by preditors. If we truly want to be safe, we have to rear up on our hind legs, and look out ahead to where the herd is going, and search those few sheep who've been to the edges of the clearings, and ask what they have seen. Safety is not garunteed, even then, but we will not make the same mistakes as we would have if we weren't paying attention. Think of how scary it would be for a sheep who's only looked at the ground and followed the sheep next to him, to stop and raise his head above the crowd, to see where they are going.
Can you remember being a child, lying in bed, certain there was a monster under the bed. Simply looking under the bed would have calmed your fears, but it seemed safer to simply stay put, and not move.
That is the instinct we have to overcome if we want to grow. How do we overcome those fears?
Thought patterns that portray ourselves as victims are evidence of lack of Hope. If we want joy, we must have hope. Naturally, my next question is: How do we find hope?
That is when my answer is give up.
HUH?
Want to grow. Then give up trying to force growth on yourself. Seriously. Surrender. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to change yourself. Certainly that has been my experience. Sure, I could change myself for a few months, even years, but eventually, I just couldn't keep up the effort any more, and slipped back to who I used to be. The phrase "Lift yourself up by your own bootstraps" was first coined to show how impossible that is! So where does that leave us?
The only way to change is through a higher power who possesses the strength and growth we need as well as the ability to endow that upon us, and then instead of trying to change ourselves, we are acting in faith in that higher power. We do not need to believe in ourselves, only believe that something bigger than ourselves, who cares deeply, and knows all will do that which we cannot do.
So if my goal is to stop smoking, or to stop yelling, and I have tried for years and years to kick the habit, but always find myself retreating back to a percieved, false safety, the answer is to first surrender--not to the habit, but to a loving God, and admit my powerlessness.
Then, I will receive a gift that will enlarge my soul, and change my very desires down to the core. Falling off the wagon, turning back to old habits, and other retreating actions, often stem from a desire for safety. Whether it be to follow friends and family like a herd animal, or to retreat toward a habit--to do what we have always done when we felt threatened--in other words, safety in sameness, it all stems from the same basic fear.
Fear of what? I have already stated that fear of the unknown is a factor, but searching deeper still, I ask, unknown what? Often the real triggers seem hazy. Perhaps nothing happened, or our reaction to something that happened was unbalanced. So the answer is then to dig deeper. I believe the deepest core of the issue is found in the truth in this quote attributed to Nelson Mandella:
"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the World. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -
My goal this week is to rely in the arm of God when I feel threatened or scared, instead of my own base coping mechanisms. My goal is to believe in Christ when I cannot, and have proven that I cannot, believe in myself. My goal is to surrender every day to a loving God through prayer. My goal is to release my crutches, and walk in faith, not in my imperfect self, but in a Jesus Christ, my savior. I love that this works every time. HE can do what I cannot do--again and again and again, He's proven this to me, and I am learning slowly, to let all the Glory be his forever and ever, Amen.
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